章節 131: Chapter Nineteen: A Father's Shame
Let us return to the night Haruna ran away.
As his daughter bolted out the door, Haruna's father stood still. A tense silence had fallen over the living room, and his wife watched him, waiting for what he would do or say next. When he finally spoke, she was a little surprised.
"I suppose I should call the Nakatomis," he said with a sigh. "Dear, are you sure about that?" Haruna's mother asked. "Of course I am," he replied. "Then why do you look so conflicted?" the woman asked. Sure enough, if Haruna's father would've been able to see the expression on his face in that moment, he most likely would've asked the same question to himself.
In all his years as a father, he couldn't recall a single time he had yelled at his daughter the way he had that night. Over the years, they had had arguments like any other parent and child, but it was clear to all involved that this one was different. This wasn't just about a child being disobedient, or a parent losing their temper. This was about, well, everything.
While a child only thinks of the days ahead of them, a parent thinks about the entire future. They want their child to do well in school so it will help them get a decent job in life. They want the child to behave in a suitable manner because they won't be able to function correctly in society without doing so. But perhaps most importantly, a parent wants their child to be happy.
Unfortunately, the definition of happiness varies wildly person to person, which makes it nearly impossible to know what would truly make another happy. Buying them a gift of something they want could qualify, but that's only minor and fleeting. In the grand scheme of things, only the people themselves can know what will make them happy in the end.
That's why when it comes to future happiness, a child and parent can come into conflict so often. While the child may believe just getting a job is best for them, the parent may insist on them going to college when they don't want to. In a similar vein, and in the scope of Japanese society, the parent may want their child to be married to a certain individual, despite the child's protests.
While arranged marriages have certainly fallen out of the norm, the idea that a parent believes they know what will make their child happy has not. For Haruna's father, that belief included Haruna marrying a man, ideally one who could provide for her and support her. Perhaps that thinking was a little outdated, but at the very least, Haruna's father had always thought his daughter's future partner would be male.
As a whole, Haruna's parents had never wanted to control their daughter's future. Sure, they were strict at times, but they had never once felt that Haruna needed to be "this" or "that." So long as she was achieving good results and aiming for a good future, that was all that mattered. Now though, that ideal was being challenged by something neither of them had ever expected.
The concept of same-sex couples was not a new thing to either Haruna's mother or father. However, because they were aware, they also understood that challenges came with a relationship like that. Between a failure of acceptance in society or judgment from the people around them, it would surely be a difficult path to follow, and one that could potentially lead to a miserable future.
With all of that in mind, and seeing his hopes for his daughter getting destroyed by something that could end up being fleeting, Haruna's father had lost it. Instead of listening, he had thrown every excuse he could think of at her and every line in a parent's book to shut her down. To him, there was no way he would hear her out if it meant allowing her to live a difficult life. Though honestly, this was also partially the result of a stubborn streak.
He said all he could, and yet it still hadn't seemed like enough. Just like any other case of rising human emotion, the atmosphere had begun to escalate, and before he knew it, he had raised his hand. In mere moments, Haruna's father would strike her, forever changing their relationship.
As if time had slowed, a thousand thoughts ran through the man's head. What was he doing? Was he actually about to hit his own child, whom he loved? Was he truly so stubborn that he would go this far? What if Haruna had good reasons? More so, what if she was making the right decision in her romantic partner? What exactly was the definition of a "good future?" Was it possible with two girls together now?
A thousand thoughts, and yet somehow, even more feelings ran through him. Anger and confusion were prominent, of course, but there was a more prevalent feeling spreading through him. It was one not so easily remedied nor forgotten. It was one that often haunted people, and it was one that helped to put everything into perspective.
Shame.
More than anything, Haruna's father felt ashamed. Here he was, spouting nonsense about how his daughter would bring shame to their family name when he himself hardly cared about something so old-fashioned anymore. There he was, speaking of shame when he was about to do something so shameful himself. Contradictory and hypocritical and altogether wrong.
The shame of his actions overrode his anger, but it was those conflicting feelings that had caused him to turn away from his daughter. He just couldn't bare to look at her face, nor let her see his own. But, he also still wanted what he felt was best for his daughter, and so he had pressed on. In the end, the only thing that had been achieved was driving a wedge in between himself and his own child, done by his own hand.
"Dear," Haruna's mother said. "Are you alright?" "...I…" he said weakly, staring at the floor. "I… will go look for her." "Should I come with you?" Haruna's mother asked, but her husband shook his head. "No, one of us should stay here, in case she comes back." And with that, the man grabbed his coat and headed out.
*****
In the week that followed, Haruna's father looked high and low for her. He checked every business in town, talked to neighbors, and even reached out to people at his workplace to see if any of them knew where his daughter was. He called, emailed and visited many other places, and at one point he went as far as Sapporo (though the city was too big to realistically search thoroughly with only one person).
With each passing day, the man's feelings became more and more complex. He started questioning everything, from how they had raised Haruna to how he had reacted to her new relationship. The doubts that had already formed in his mind on that fateful night had only continued to fester, eating away at his conscience. Could he still call himself a good father? Or, did he ruin the relationship that he had with his child?
By all accounts, Haruna's father had always been on good terms with her. While there were times that they fought, ultimately it was nothing more than a parent-child squabble. Now, having truly yelled at her for the first time out of nothing but his own anger, he felt plagued by failure.
It was with all of these feelings in mind that he had continued to search. He had tried looking in Haruna's room for any clues, but all he had found out was that she had left without her phone. He wasn't sure if Haruna could afford to do so, but he even began checking all of the nearby hotels and inns (not that there were many). At each one, he found the same result: no girl matching Haruna's description was there.
On top of all of this, there was his daughter's new partner, Kanako. Of course, Haruna's father had known Kanako her whole life, but if he had to say whether or not he had any sort of personal connection with her, the answer would be no. To him, she had simply been one of Haruna's good friends, and when they fought, Kanako became "someone who wasn't good friends with Haruna" to him. He had never really bothered to give it much more thought than that.
However, now he was being forced to view Kanako in a new light. She was no longer just "a good friend." She had become "his daughter's partner." Because of that, he was hesitant to approach her. Just how exactly should he act around Kanako now? There was no way he could treat her the same as before, but was it possible for him to go to the opposite extreme and treat her as a prospective marriage candidate for his daughter? The question alone dizzied him. He had never even considered the possibility of Haruna liking a girl romantically in the first place, let alone marry one. Now, it was all a potential reality, and Haruna's father was having a hard time wrapping his head around it.
It was with feelings like those that he had wanted to keep Kanako away from the house, at least until he could figure out the mess in his own head and heart. But, yet again, he was forced to confront the unexpected, as when he arrived home from work, the girl he found with his wife was none other than Kanako.
He eyed her with suspicion, but not because he thought she was plotting something. Rather, it was because he suspected she had quite a lot of things to say to him. Things like, "why didn't you let me help you look for Haruna?" or "You're responsible for Haruna running away, aren't you?" or, worse yet, "How could you say such awful things to your own daughter?" Whether or not Kanako actually knew about what he had said, Haruna's father didn't know, but he still braced for impact nevertheless.
"Just what… is going on here?" was the first thing he said. Seeing his wife, who had agreed to keep Kanako out, together with the girl in question, prompted the question. In front of him, Kanako stared at him, seeing both a mix of surprise and anxiousness. Behind her, Haruna's mother seemed calm, but it was clear that looking closer, she was tired and worried.
"Um," Kanako began, breaking the awkward silence that had taken over the space. "I-I was just trying to find out where Haruna might've gone." Hearing that, Haruna's father looked at his wife. "I just got a call from an inn," she said. "They said Haruna has been staying there." "What?" Haruna's father said, confused. "That doesn't make any sense. I checked all of them personally." "I guess she was hiding then," his wife said. "I'm just relieved she's safe. I was actually sending Kana-chan to go get her." "Huh?" Haruna's fathe let out. "Why are you sending Kana-chan? Shouldn't we just do it?" "You know she won't listen to us. We should let… her girlfriend do it," Haruna's mother said hesitantly.
The man was sure a conflicted expression was on his face once more. Just what was he supposed to make of this situation? Was it really okay to let a girl who he had no idea how to approach anymore be the person to bring back his daughter? Question after question kept popping up in his mind, until finally, it was all too much.
Taking in a deep breath, he then expelled it all. Every question, every doubt, every wondering, he let it all out into the air. There was something obvious here that he needed to do, and he couldn't do it properly without a clear head. Rather than ruminating on all of his anxieties, he chose to be open with it all.
"Kana-chan," he said. "I believe I owe you an apology." "H-Huh?" Kanako sputtered as the man continued. "We've been nothing but rude to you. Regardless of our feelings about you dating Haruna, she's still someone that means a lot to you, and we stood in your way of trying to find her. I'm sorry about that." Finishing with a bow, he waited for Kanako's response.
"I-If Haruna's mom hadn't let me in, I don't think I would've gotten to find out where Haruna had been," Kanako said plainly. "It's true I felt frustrated by your not helping me, but in the end, as soon as we worked together, it worked out. So it's fine, isn't it?"
Looking up, Haruna's father saw Kanako giving a gentle smile. It was unlike any he had seen on her before, and it was one that gave off the mature aura of an understanding individual. "You've… certainly grown up," he said quietly, standing up straight again. "As one of the actual grown-ups here, I feel very foolish." Facing Kanako and matching his eyes with hers, he continued. "I've been cowardly and avoiding you during Haruna's absence when I should've just been honest from the start."
"So, Kana-chan. Can I speak with you?"
*****
"I never thought I'd be speaking to both of Haruna's parents in one night," Kanako thought as she waited. Haruna's father had gone to change out of his work clothes (and most likely to gather himself), so Kanako was just sitting on the couch. His wife had also gone upstairs, deciding to give Kanako and Haruna's father the room.
Kanako could feel her nerves rising. While she had never had any issues with Haruna's father, she couldn't say they had much of a relationship either. Really, the only impression Kanako had of the man was someone who was stern, but not mean. With that in mind, she really had no idea what to expect out of him.
"Sorry for making you wait," the man in question said as he entered the room. He had switched to a pair of jeans and a basic, blue t-shirt. "Is he where Haruna got her fashion sense from?" Kanako wondered idly. "I actually hate wearing suits," Haruna 's father added. "So I like to change as soon as I get home."
He walked over to Kanako, but instead of sitting down, he remained standing, taking a spot across the coffee table. "Kana-chan," he began, his face tense. "The first thing I'd like to ask you is this: are you really dating my daughter?"
"Yes," Kanako answered without hesitation. "And what exactly are your plans with her? Have you thought about the future at all?" Haruna's father asked. Kanako had wondered if she'd be asked something like this, but admittedly, she felt a little embarrassed answering it. She started blushing somewhat as she spoke.
"I… want to be Haruna's wife someday…" she said shyly. "I-It's embarrassing to say, but I actually think about our future a lot. O-Our wedding day, our future home, what our lives will be like together… I-I think about all of that stuff."
Haruna's father stared at her for a moment. Then, once again, he bowed. "I'm sorry," he said. "W-Why are you apologizing again?" Kanako panicked. The man stood up straight again and stared straight at Kanako. "Because I truly am a failure of a father." Hearing that, Kanako could only look back at him in confusion. "Failure… of a father?" she repeated. "I-I don't understand."
Finally, the man's tense demeanor loosened a bit as he began to walk around the room a little. His feet carried him to a picture frame on a small table in the corner. Picking it up, it was a photo of him, his wife and his daughter when she was quite young. He looked at it as he spoke. "I love my daughter. She's my pride and joy. There are so many parents out there who only care about what their child achieves, whether it be academic excellence or awards of some kind. But me? I never really put much stock in that. Of course, I expect Haruna to do well in school, but I've never forced her onto a path that meant she would be unhappy. After all, that's what should really matter. Whether or not your child is happy."
"Haruna's grades have always been around the middle or so of the pack, and that's fine. When she won trophies in snowboarding competitions, I was just glad she was doing so well, and… a little relieved that she'd come back uninjured. Unfortunately, it was a severe injury that put an end to that enjoyment for her, but the end doesn't erase what she accomplished. I'm proud of her for that."
"As long as Haruna was happy, that was all that mattered. But… I think wanting her to be happy, and actually watching her became two different things. I never noticed before, but when we fought the other night, I started to. I realized I was trying to decide what made her happy, instead of listening to her. I did the very thing I hated seeing other parents do."
"I'm a man who has his own beliefs, and truthfully, I don't think dating a girl is the right decision for my daughter. However…" Finally, the man paused, setting down the picture frame and turning back to Kanako. "I'm also hardly in a position to give such an opinion." "What do you mean?" Kanako asked. A pensive look crossed Haruna's father's face. "I… said some horrible things to her. I yelled at her about bringing shame to our family and even accused her of lying about her feelings. I called them perverse… Even if I don't agree with them, that's no excuse to be so cruel and negligent to my own child…"
"I'm… so ashamed of how I acted toward her. I almost hit her. My hand was raised, and it was only through realizing what I was doing that I was able to stop myself. Honestly, I don't blame her at all for running away…"
Haruna's father looked crestfallen, and Kanako had no idea what to say to him. This was the most he had ever spoken to her, and it was still taking her a minute to process it all. Once she finally had, an awkward silence had settled over the room, making Kanako question if she should say anything at all. "Then again, if I don't say something, we won't get anywhere," she thought.
"I think…" Kanako began. "Haruna knows how much you care about her." "...How so?" the man asked. "W-Well, it's not like you've been mean to her all the time, and she's never complained that much about you either. You work long hours, and so does Haruna's mom, but you both still do your best to spend time with Haruna when you can. I think all of that makes it easy to see that you care."
"But even if she knows that… won't she hate me now?" Haruna's father asked. "She won't-" Kanako began to say, but she stopped. Thinking about it, Haruna had hated her for years over something as simple as jealousy of new friends. Being told that her feelings were wrong, and that she was shaming her family, was definitely bigger than mere jealousy. "...A-Actually, she might hate you a little," Kanako said quietly.
The man's shoulder's slumped. "Yeah, you're probably right. She's always been good at holding grudges." "Yeah, I know," Kanako sighed, recalling her years of dealing with Haruna's foul attitude. "But… she's also a good person."
"Huh?" Haruna's father let out, looking up at Kanako. "Even though she said she hated me for a long time, we were still able to make up. We were able to do that because we talked about all of our feelings. We were clear with each other, and in the end, that helped to fix our problems. I think if you did the same, that would go a long way. I won't guarantee Haruna will forgive you. Honestly, it's more likely that she'll stay mad at you… b-but if you at least explain, then I think she'll come around one day."
"You think… she'll forgive me?" Haruna's father asked. "Even after all I said and what I did?" "I-I mean, you didn't actually hit her, did you?" Kanako asked. "Of course not," Haruna's father said immediately. "Then why not?" Kanako said with a smile. "Haruna's a good girl. She may hate your actions or words, but I don't think she'll stay mad at you for forever."
The strength in Haruna's father's legs went out, causing him to drop to his knees. It was as if a massive weight had been lifted off of him. He still needed to talk to Haruna, but he felt so much better about the idea than he had only minutes before.
"A-Are you okay?!" Kanako exclaimed, but the man put his hand up. "I'm fine," he said. "Just… you're words helped me a lot. Thank you." "Ah… y-you're welcome," Kanako said. After another moment, he composed himself, standing up again and facing Kanako. "I have one more thing I'd like to say to you." Hearing that, Kanako gulped. Haruna's father's face was stern, causing her to worry.
"I don't approve of your relationship with my daughter."
A throb of pain shot through Kanako's chest. "Oh…" was all she could manage to say. What exactly did that mean for her? What about her future with Haruna? Was her girlfriend's father going to force them to break up? Question after question came to Kanako's mind, but before she could give much thought to any of them, the next words she heard put a stop to all of them.
"I don't approve, but… I will allow you to date her."
"...eh?"
As Kanako stared at him in sheer bewilderment, he continued. "It's true I don't like the idea of my daughter dating another girl. It's just something I can't be for, as I think there are far too many impracticalities and difficulties associated with such a relationship. However… even I am not so blind as to have missed how much happier Haruna has been lately. Even before hearing about your relationship, she'd always get this oddly gleeful look on her face. Now that I know about her feelings, I'm certain she was thinking about you in those times."
"If you bring a smile to my daughter's face, and this is the future she wants, I won't stand in the way of that any longer."
Kanako didn't know what to say. A part of her had been sure that Haruna's father would say that she had to stop dating Haruna. How she was going to fight that, she was at a loss, but Kanako was determined to not let Haruna be taken from her. To her surprise, that determination had turned out to be for nothing, as she had somehow gotten some level of approval.
Seeing how speechless Kanako was, Haruna's father couldn't help but let out a small chuckle. However, he didn't elaborate on what exactly he found amusing. Instead, he said something else. "You were about to go get Haruna, right? It's already gotten late. Perhaps you should wait-"
"I'm going."
Kanako cut the man off. After a whole week or so of having no idea where her girlfriend had gone, she finally had the opportunity to see her. There was no way she was going to pass that up, regardless of the hour. "I need to see her. And… I promise I'll bring her home."
Hearing that, Haruna's father could say no more. "I see," he said. "Then I won't stop you." Giving her thanks, Kanako then headed for the door for the second time that night. She left the Endo residence, went back to her own home, then after grabbing a few things, she went to her mother.
"Um, m-mom?" she said tentatively. "What is it sweetheart?" her mother respond as she watched TV from the couch. "C-Can you… take me to this inn?" Kanako asked, showing her mom the address. "An inn…? What on earth for? Did you want an impromptu vacation this weekend?" "N-No, um… t-that's where Haruna is…"
Kanako's mother stared at the address for a moment before she reached a conclusion. "Oh my! Don't tell me you're going to-! You're too young sweetheart! Can't you wait until you're an adult and out of the house? At least that way I won't have to know what you're getting up to-" "I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!" Kanako shouted, having a feeling she knew what her mother was imagining.
"I just…" she continued more quietly. "I want to see her…" "Well…" her mother said, looking wary. Even if Kanako said she and Haruna weren't going to do anything explicit, there would still be doubt. Any parent would be (or probably should be) hesitant to allow their child to be alone in the same room as the person they're dating. Worse yet, in this instance, there was the possibility Kanako would try to stay the night with Haruna. Kanako's mother considered all of this, but eventually, she relented.
"I suppose you're only young once…" she mumbled, then spoke louder to Kanako. "It's late, but I know if I tell you not to go, you'll probably just sneak out." "Urk…" Kanako let out, all but admitting that was her contingency plan. "So, I'll take you, and… let you spend the night there." "Really?!" Kanako exclaimed. "But!" her mother said quickly. "Keep it PG, okay young lady? I don't want to be seeing any 'morning after' vibes coming off of you!" "Just what kind of person do you think I am?!" Kanako cried.
*****
After a somewhat awkward drive, Kanako arrived at the inn. It was nothing impressive, displaying only the typical wooden exterior with large windows in the front. Considering the location, it made sense that it wasn't big either. "So this is where Haruna has been…" Kanako thought as she stood outside of the building. Taking a deep breath in, she breathed out and then gave a little fist pump with both hands. "Okay!"
"It's time to come home, Haruna."
End of Chapter Nineteen.
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