章節 48: I'm fine
As I'm staring at myself, still thinking, my phone goes off. Just a notification. I pick it up and look at it. A text from Laureen.
'I had fun tonight' It says. 'You still have the necklace for Mark, right?'
I check the bag and see it, so I reply, 'Yup! I have it ready for tomorrow.'
'Great! Alexis will meet us at the door and I'll give her the dress to give to Mark' She already told me this, but I know she's just making sure. I'm pretty sure she likes to be prepared, but I don't think she prepared for today.
'Sounds good' I agree with the plan, but I'm kind of nervous. What if Mark doesn't like it? 'But it's getting late. I'm tired. I'll see you tomorrow.'
'Ok, see you then'
'Yeah, see you then'
I put my phone on the charger and finish putting my pajamas on. I don't like my weight. It's on my mind at the end of the day, and that's what I fall asleep to. I hate it, but am I really big enough to fight it? And on my own? I know that I want someone to ask me, 'Are you ok?' and I want to break down crying, telling them no. But each time I'm asked I just say, 'I'm fine' and go on my day. Sometimes they ask, 'Are you sure?' and I'll pause for a bit. I want to say, 'No, not really.' but I don't. I always lie to them. Why? Why do I do this to myself? No matter how much I want to break the cycle, it never ends. Why?
I flop on my bed and roll on my back. I lay there, just staring at the ceiling. Mom's right, why can't I do anything right? I'm just a disappointment. Why else would she hit me? I don't feel like she loves me. She doesn't, she hits me. Why would someone that loves me hit me? It just doesn't make sense to me. I want to get out of this house so badly, I feel like I'm being choked. I feel like I can't breathe. But, that's all I'm doing in this life. That's all I do according to my mom. I'm just a lazy piece of shit that does nothing but takes up air, space, and food.
At this point, I'm crying to myself. Why? I don't know how I feel, let alone control them. Mom says emotions are the easiest thing to control, yet she loses it all the time. Why must I be better than her? Her expectations are killing me, that's what's choking me half of the time. I feel so much pressure from her. Dad's not that bad though.
All of a sudden, my phone rings. It's kind of weird, I usually have it on silent. I look at it and it's a number I don't know. I start hyperventilating. Why would someone call me at this hour? What if Mom hears and gets mad again? What if they hear her shouting? What if it's just a telemarketer? Still, I haven't practiced what I'm going to say, but I don't know who it is.
Ok, ok. I can do this, right? I take a deep breath and reach for the phone. I pick it up and answer it.
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