章節 51: A true Mister Hyde to your Doctor Jekyll
For my only friend in this world, I am willing to take the effort needed to save them. However, I am not willing to risk my livelihood... I don't believe a fantasy-like friendship so rare even exists anyway.
Sapphire's and Anna's disappearance foiled all my plans as now my dearest 'Uncle' wasn't willing to take me to Grandma's house. The only thing we could do now was wait for her to pick us up herself after Dad sent a letter all the way to where she lives.
I have always had regrets in my life. Not because I did anything wrong but due to always living with a retrospective lens on my actions and words. When I realise that I could have done or said something a bit more efficiently the next day, I get hit by remorse.
This is also the reason I avoid talking to people. If I can't do it properly, then what's the point in doing it? Failure isn't an option on the battlefield... is at least that's how I saw it in my last life and left the socialising for things that aren't professional for others. Now... I feel I was wrong, and was missing out on the finer things in life. All that good stuff...!
When I got to my bed and rested my eyes, a familiar scenery with buildings and glass windows appeared in my eyes. In front of me stood a man I couldn't recognise, but felt a deep familiarity with anyway...
Do we know each other?
"Your losing control of your Skill Roots. You're letting your emotions run too wild. Calm down." The soldier in a familiar uniform spoke coldly yet his voice seemed to contain deep concern within it.
"Who are you supposed to be?"
"A true Mister Hyde to your Doctor Jekyll."
"Meaning, some kind of split personality?" This sounded a little too generic for my taste.
"Don't act so ignorant. You've read the book, haven't you? When was Mister Hyde a split personality?"
"...That doesn't answer my question." You expect me to remember a book I read as a teen in my previous life? I should be about a hundred years old now. All that memory isn't something I can just 'access'.
I don't have photographic memory!
"Hmmm, let's just say that I'm your 'common sense' for a minute. You've seen how animators would represent desires and conscience when illustrating someone's inner conflict in cartoons, right? It's just like that. Only... just a tiny bit more complex."
Now this sounds too kid friendly. I'd rather he be a split personality so I could kill him and move on.
Wait, can I even kill him here. I looked at my hands and imagined up a AK47... To think it would be this easy. Seeing my threatening actions, he took out a military grade pistol and pointed it at me while hiding a survival knife near his waist with his other hand. His stance was a lot different than the time I used these weapons. In fact, though it seemed to leave openings, how he angled his right side towards me while hiding his vitals showed a lot of experience.
"Shut it. Just leave, and don't tell me what to do." I decided to see if I can get this familiar figure out.
"That would be a little hard. I'm you after all." It was only now did I remember that the face he was using was the one I 'used to have'... Nah, I'm not even curious right now. I just want him to screw off.
"Don't make me bury you here. I'm pretty sure that would count as burying you into my subconscious."
A bayonet appeared on the end of my rifle, looking like I'd it would stab him if I came any closer.
"Sheesh...! I'm only here to help,.. and criticise how moronic you were for killing that little assassin." A tremor arose across my body as my hand loosened a little. If it was the me of the past, I would have taken advantage of such a great opening showed by my enemy. However, it looks like he didn't see me as such. Instead choosing to silently watch over me.
"And why would my 'common sense' tell me that?"
"You... aren't a soldier anymore."
"..." What is he trying to say?
"You've felt it before, right? How alien this world is compared to our own? How 'warriors' exist here?"
"That has nothing to do with me." Even if this world is alien, as a resident of it, that description could probably apply to me as well. Or mauve 'I' should be considered an alien since I am an other-worlder.
"Oh, but it DOES have everything to do with us. You didn't kill someone, you 'murdered' someone back then. An experience that is haunting you. Your heart wasn't ready to take someone's life no matter how much you feign being indifferent to death."
My body was numb as I could feel the sky turning darker and darker, my inner world was revealing its true colours as he exposed my feelings. It was as if he was reading my heart and acting accordingly.
Could it be he's really... telling the truth about being my lost 'common sense'? The one I had back then?
"I've killed people in my past life, a lot more than one person. So many I can't even count anymore." I tried to harden my heart. This is me now, I was already a murderer anyway. Nothing more than that.
"Don't act like you actually believe that. You want to live a normal, ordinary, and happy life, don't you?"
"...And what of it?" I don't understand what he's trying to imply. No, I don't even want to know...!
"It's funny. You want to be happy, but you can't accept moving on from the sins of your past life."
"Don't act like you know anything!" What the hell do you know?! Stop reading my heart! Don't look!!!
"I don't? Then let me ask you this-" He smiled while moving towards me, then asked into my ear:
"-Who are you now?" His voice was sinister and wicked like the devil himself. Those eyes seemed to see right through me. His question was like a tendril that sank into my brain and turned it into mush.
"Are you a 'Soldier of a hundred battlefields'-" He hesitated once more and circled around me, letting me soak his words bit by bit. As I heard the first part of his sentence, I remembered the 'tool' I was in my past life. A weapon that had always been controlled by a superior, never making big decisions himself. A fool who was like a bullet shot by his Squad Leader.
"-or a whiny prepubescent child who happened to gain the memory of said individual?" The ending of his question was really brutal, showing how I preferred to have the mentality of a child so I could feign innocence. I acted like I hadn't been exposed to the real cruelty of the world before. I'm sure that I might even believe in a tiny corner of my heart that this was the case. That I'm just a helpless child...
"Granted, you have the same soul as that person, but even if you are 'Damian Stuman', you are not a soldier. After all, you haven't been conscripted into a nation's army. All you are now is... a murderer!" His words cut deeper than any wound I ever received.
"I'm not!" I denied with all my heart!
"Then why are you feeling so guilty? Why do you feel that it's because you killed someone that something unfortunate happened to your friend? Why aren't you awakening your power and saving her?" He put his hands on my head and forced me to look at him.
"One shot to the head and you get experience. Isn't that how killing works? The only reason you can't accept it as anything other than 'murder' is because you saw her as a fellow human being. Just accept me and you'll feel better, isn't a conscience too much?"
I know he is right. I know, but I don't want to accept this logic. This isn't a game! The blood, the horrid feeling that comes from killing a child, one that could have changed if guided properly... isn't something that can be 'stimulated' by a game.
I have sinned once more. My hands are bloodied once more, and I can't get rid of this feeling. Why can't I get rid of it? I was fine when killing people left and right in the past, but now I'm incapable of it...!
"Don't act like you know what I feel!" You're just reading what you see. What do you know yourself?!
"Fine then. If you're going to act like you 'represent' my common sense, then let me represent what I feel right now. The anger, the depression... everything that's making me think I'm the problem here!" My eyes flared holes into his head as I got back up.
I pushed him away, then pulled the trigger. 'Mister Hyde' seemed to see this coming as he hid behind cover. Even though he had a pistol, he didn't shoot me whatsoever. Just waiting until I vented enough.
It was only once I finished and acted like I ran out of imaginary bullets did he pop his head out carefully.
I wasn't done with him yet. Not by a long shot.
That's why I decided to ask my own question.
"Instead of asking me the obvious. Then answer me this: What the hell am I living for anymore?!"
What was the point of all this!? Being summoned and reincarnating... It just really make me ask:
'What was the actual point?!'
I met a God and was reincarnated by him.
For what? To fight against my will?! To once again be thrown into endless conflicts I want no part of?
"You have a family now... Try living for them!" These words pierced deeply as well, just like everything else this 'Damian' guy has been saying. His words made an image of everyone holographically appear before me. Looking at their smiles, I shift my head.
"I don't deserve them. I don't deserve anything! Why is Enigma making me fight again? What was the point of reincarnating if I'm going to be forced into another 'battlefield' again? I don't want this!" My eyes were filled with tears as I fell into denial.
This had once happened previously, at the time before I resolved myself in the past. I wanted to live as a farmer and do anything to avoid the chance of killing someone again. In the end, I relented... for them. It was for them! I murdered FOR THEM!!!
"Calm down. Your reincarnation is complete now. I am the steeled heart and common sense you need to get over 'being a murderer'. What you've grown into without me is too wishy-washy. You've actually started to feel sympathy towards your 'targets'."
Damian shook his head. As if what I did then was really illogical, that my feeling themselves were 'illogical' and I was wrong for feeling sympathy for killing a fellow human being. It was uncomfortable to hear. Even if she was an 'enemy', how could this soldier shrug off killing someone? As if murdering a child is right as long as you have justification?
"You shouldn't have talked to that girl. If you had kept your mouth shut and just thought of her as mere target practice, you wouldn't be feeling such disgust. In this new world, can't you think of her as a dead Monster? You know, like that of a video game?"
"..." I understood what he was trying to say, and I didn't like one word of it. However, I couldn't deny that there was logic to his words. If I had done that from the beginning, I wouldn't be feeling this...
No, perhaps I'd still feel this way after my only friend had disappeared. Isn't my reaction pretty normal...?
It's normal, right? Right? I'm normal, aren't I...?
"You'll get your 'happily ever after'! You can't expect a protagonist like you to stay in a stagnant world with no conflict, right? Every good Author knows that exciting conflicts are better than slice-of-life."
Happily ever after... slice-of-life... Damn it! I don't care about me. This guy... he's really done it now!
I never wanted to think about this, you prick!
"Is that why I can't live peacefully? Because of a omnipotent God that dictates my future? Is HE the reason Sapphire... the only friend I ever made after opening my heart... is no longer with me anymore?"
"Who knows? And why are you killing her off so easily? You can go look for her. There's no reason to think she's dead unless you see a dead body. Just act calmly and rationally so you can see her again." The man acting as my 'common sense' said indifferently.
"...A true friend wouldn't be staying calm right now and collected. He would be feeling depressed." Now I'm certain that even if we are the same person, his heart doesn't have level of intimacy with Sapphire.
If he felt anything, he wouldn't talk this casually. I'm her true friend, my feelings aren't a lie!
"You're wrong. Your depression is only the result of knowing too much yet understanding too little. You are too immature without me... too easily moved by irrelevant nonsense. You're too bugged by the 'right decisions'. Even if I leave you alone, you will one day understand that there isn't any 'right decision' in any world in the universe. The only thing that exists is the 'convenient decision', the most logical one."
"You're twisted." I have my honest thoughts.
"Hmmm?"
"You almost made me brainwash my sister." I'm sure that it was him. He must've have influenced me!
That's it! There's no way I would have done that if I was in full control. He must have messed with my head! After hearing my words, Damian looked surprised for a moment, then... started laughing.
"Hehe, haha, hahaha! Is that what you think!? I had yet to return to you back then. What you tried to do was the 'convenient decision' you came up with after knowing what you COULD do. I guess you already had signs of 'common sense' even without me. Not that it's surprising considering how you turned out in your last life. No, how 'we' turned out back then."
"I... No... But I am disciplined...! I would never be corrupted by my own power! You're lying!" There's no way that was me! I... wouldn't do that to my only family! How could I use my abilities so selfishly?
"Discipline like steel doesn't exist. As long as you fall into temptation once, you'll no longer feel like holding yourself back. Don't misunderstand my words though... You aren't a bad person, there just isn't a reason for you to be 'good' anymore. It's not like the police can arrest you if you gain unrivalled power, like those you can obtain on this world."
As he spoke these words, he waved his hand. On the left appeared four 'horns'. One was the 'Horn of the Moon God' while the others weren't recognisable to me. However, I knew instinctively that they were 'my own'. Powers that truly belonged to me.
And on my right appeared four 'halos'. Similarly, one of them was the 'Halo of the Sun God' while the others were unrecognisable to me. The only thing I could instinctively figure out was that possessing all eight of these Skill Roots made me invincible.
"Aren't they all pretty? Four Horns and four Halos as Skill Roots, and they all have 'God' in their names. It is the unrivalled power I talked about. With this, you can save her, feel better, and become unrivalled."
"I... don't want to accept it."
"Why not...?" He asked in confusion.
"I feel like I'll no longer be 'Human'." After all, this wasn't a level of power humans were capable of.
Little did I know his next sentence would break all the previous misconceptions I had about myself...!
He said:
"That's fine. You were never Human to begin with."
"...What?"
"You're a Omni Being that can be any 'Race' you want to be, just like I am a Uni Being that can become the perfect fusion of any Race I want the power of. Don't our abilities perfectly fit each other?"
"..."
"Now come and take my hand. Let's merge."
"..."
"You're thinking too much. Isn't this world a great adventure? They will always be safe if you're strong."
"..."
"Are you THAT devastated about not being completely Human? You know, we can go beat him up after this. Although we can't be omnipotent, we can become close to that. Isn't that what you want?"
"..."
"Simon, I'm losing my patience. Answer me, are you seriously going to reject? You're the one who mixed up professionalism and emotions. You big ball of anger, indifference, paranoia, and depression!"
"...I didn't know I was so talkative." I slapped away his hand and looked around thoughtfully.
"You finally decided to respond. You have me worried there. Of course I'd talk to you a lot. You are me and I am you. We're inseparable!" He didn't mind my hesitation, seeing my acceptance of his deal as inevitable. After all, I'd be invincible with these.
"Haha, you're right...! Aren't we? Now that I think about it: We've always been like this, right?" There was a hint of nostalgia in my eyes as I looked back towards the times I used to talk to myself because there was literally no one else to talk to.
"The talking to myself thing? I'm pretty sure that only happened after we had turned senile."
"Do you think stuff like that also passes over?"
"Not that I know of. Your mind's perfectly healthy."
"That so?" I walked over to where my 'Horn of the Moon God' was and looked at it more deeply.
I never really noticed how well-crafted it was. How sharp and deadly its edge was under the moonlight.
They say Skill Roots reflect the person. If so, then why was mine a Halo and Horn? Was it some sort of symbolism to this, trying to say that I was both good and evil, like any other before me? No, maybe... It had to do with the forces standing behind me.
Angels and Demons, now isn't that some catholic symbolism right there. Am I supposed to be a Nephilim then? A fallen who awaits his impending judgement by God? How ironic considering being who call themselves 'Gods' exist in this world.
"Really. Now let's merge and save Sapphire." The soldier representing my common sense offered again. This time without feigning a smile. Hmmm, I feel that expression looked better on his face.
However, I couldn't agree with him. Took a few steps back and kept my distance from him. Choosing to decline his invitation. This second chance at remoulding myself doesn't come everyday. If I was to accept his power, I'd return to how I was before.
Even if I had thoughts of change, I would shamelessly choose not to take any proper steps in that direction because it wouldn't be 'convenient' for me to do so. I've also realised that although he could read my heart, I could also read his as well.
Hah... and I only managed to realise just now due to actually wanting know how he felt. This was unlike a few minutes ago where I was so wrapped up on my emotions that I couldn't bother caring about others.
Talk about being hypocritical. It looks like in the end of the day, Damian was the only one opening up...
Without any hints of hesitation, I took the horn in my hand and placed its edge beside my temple.
"What are you doing?!" Damian was shocked as I pushed it into my head, causing blood to spill.
"You know, if you broadened up your world and connected with people other than yourself. You wouldn't have died a lonely death. One where nobody even bothered looking after you."
"...You-" His eyes erupted his flames. He wanted to stop me but found the world itself obstructing him.
"I don't want the past to repeat itself." I gave a small sigh as the horn sank more deeper into my head.
This pain... this sensation I was feeling apart from pain... was this the 'death' I had forced on others?
"If you reject me now, you lose all chances on saving your only friend. Why are you acting so insane?" He looked flustered as he defied the world itself to try to stop me, yet his efforts were fruitless. The more he tried to move towards me, the more reality bent.
"I'm insane? Well, you may be right there. I DID try to brainwash my little sister out of 'convenience'."
"You're going to reject me for something you did yourself? I'm different. I know when to hold back."
"You're contradicting yourself now. If you truly are me, then you already know that if two Skill Roots were able to corrupt me. Then wouldn't eight of absolute power also undoubtedly corrupt me?"
There's a saying in my past life: 'Absolute power corrupts absolutely.' I fear what I might become.
As my inner world started to become more unstable due to my actions, Damian suddenly fell back and looked at me in suspicion. Thinking that this was some kind of plot to get him to kill himself.
Of course, he wouldn't disappear that quickly.
"...You're not budging on this, are you? Then what are you going to do? Bury both me and your hidden potential right here? Pretend we don't exist so you can act like you never had a chance to save her?"
"No, I've realised that burying you wouldn't help me do the right thing." My actions stopped for the moment, causing him to sigh in relief. He then silently started to walk forward with a fast pace.
"Fine then, I'm sure you'll still be able to hold onto these feelings even after we merge. I don't understand what this 'right decision' is that you found, but you should know mine is 'correct'."
"You consider becoming a tyrant to be correct?" I rolled my eyes at him while ignoring his incoming figure. I took the 'pick' out of my head, displaying a gaping hole that was oozing with BLUE BLOOD.
"Mind you, it's actually 'benevolent dictator'." The soldier joked as he increased his pace towards me.
"Even so, that's not the type of person I want to be anymore. I want to change. This life... is different."
"I don't understand what you're talking about."
"You wouldn't. After all, you never tied to change."
"People don't ever change. We stay the same and act on our own convenience. Even if we change what we look like on the outside, we'll always be creatures that strive for the 'convenient'." He shrugged.
"If I won't change my thoughts... Then I'll change my 'perspective'." I lifted the horn once again. This time using my other hand to stab it into my uninjured temple the same way I had done moments ago.
"Wait, what the hell are you doing?" My inner world forced him back once more with a powerful push. He felt infuriated, not knowing why I had even started pushing the 'pick' deep into my skull again.
"Dying on the inside?"
"Don't joke! Are you going to leave Sapphire for dead? Are you going to abandon your only friend?!"
"I will." I spoke with conviction I wasn't proud of. I knew this was an act of betrayal. One I MUST do!
"You ungrateful little scum. She is your light and you are hers. Don't pretend you never noticed before!"
"I noticed... I just can't answer her right now."
"She'll die!"
"She won't..." I denied his claim, then for the final time, I destroyed by brain by detonating the Moon Mana within the Horn of the Moon God. The top part of my head blew into smithereens...!
My last words to him were:
"...For once, I'll believe in HER."
I'll trust her properly. I won't give that 'more convenient' type of trust with strings attached, but the type that will believe in her unconditionally. A trust that ISN'T filled to brim with paranoia.
I don't know if I'm making the right decision. Maybe my 'trust' is just another form of running away, a farce put on to avoid responsibility... Even so, I'm not the type to follow a script. I know that this is the only way, the only way to become worthy as her friend. I won't run away... I won't back down. So please, Sapphire, be safe, don't make me regret...!
Those were my last thoughts that arose in my mind a split-second before the explosion took my life.
創作者的想法 
FlowingWaves
FlowingWaves This one was a little harder to write considering the emotions packed into it. A very complicated chapter.