She fell silent for moment once I straightforwardly asked her what I thought. She seemed lost in thought whims tapping the corner of her cheek, then answered my question pretty naturally...
"I admire the courage you displayed when your decisively killed your enemy. Those as competent as you at your age are hard to find in this era."
"And now you left me without any words to respond to that 'answer'..." I sighed while shaking my head disbelievingly at the girl before me.
"I know it's strange, but I feel admiration for the decision you made nonetheless. That decision you made to take a life in order to protect another is something I had never believed someone with a peaceful upbringing like your own would ever try to make!" Her eyes sparked as she continued excitedly.
"As I said previously. A year ago, my father secretly brought convicted criminals to this Training Ground and ordered me to execute them for my 'mental
training'. The first few time I killed humans of my own race... I puked while deluding myself that I was upholding justice, scared of my father who forcibly made me push my sword into the throat of another living person. It was like I was in hell...
However, after a few days, my hands went numb as I started to actively kill those common criminals without my father's urging to do so. It was at that time I realised how tainted my hands were and how cruel this world really is...
Father securely tied them, but he didn't gag them... so I was able to hear their rapid mad screams before they died by my hands. Some of them begged for mercy, some of them cursed, while others seemed so apathetic towards their deaths as if they had lost their will to live before even arriving here." She may have merely wanted to explain herself once she began talking, but after a mere few words... her emotions got the best of her as she sobbed.
My mind was blank for a moment at the sudden development. Then a sympathetic feeling arose in my heart as I looked at Sapphire more carefully.
I wasn't dense enough to NOT understand why she would tell me her feelings and not anyone else. We both already had a good idea of each other's personality after our first encounter.
Compared to the older servants of the household who only know how to give lip service and children her own age who are too naive to understand what death really meant... telling someone like me who was both honest with his feelings and her own age must have been more suitable in her eyes.
I don't know how long she had bottled up her emotions but it seemed like the dam she built and fortified within her own heart had already broken apart. Everything was gushing out right now...
What should I say? I couldn't empathise with her pains from feeling compassion at all... Even though I'm a year younger than her and have 'now' killed 'round about the same time she first did... the dark feeling a person should feel when killing another human being is something I had gone immune to...
As a man who murdered enemy soldiers on a daily basis in my past life to earn my next salary for countless years, I had already forgotten what it's like to feel disgust when killing someone. I'd only be spouting lies and nonsense if I comforted her now.
Why do I want to be more honest with her than I was before? Easy, it's because she touched my heart, this youthful heart of mine isn't completely stone cold to the point of emotionlessness... yet.
Perhaps the me of this life will grow to be the same man I was in my past life, a man who had lost the ability to see the countless colours around him... or maybe this new me will change over the years after being moved by the many beautiful scenes in this world...! It's all up to how I live from now on.
Either way, there's no need to be so secretive and manipulative towards my first 'friend'.
Instead of talking nonsense about some kind of killing philosophy to her, I lifted my arm and patted her head while waiting for her emotions to simmer down. I glanced towards where Merilin and Sylphy who were playing around with a carefree atmosphere before feeling more at ease while patting her...
It wasn't like I was embarrassed or anything for patting the Young Miss's head. It's just that it would be tedious to explain why we were being intimate. I was only trying to comfort the crying girl in front of me, not take advantage of her chaotic emotions.
Who knows what they would think?
With my high perception towards Mana and Ether, I even eliminated the 'bugs' (probably placed for security measures after what happened) that were keeping tabs on us beforehand. I'm sure the Duke won't find out how I'm breaking courtesy...!
"I'm fine. I'm fine. Stop treating me like a child already." She suddenly wiped her tears off her face and smiled sweetly. She gently pushed my hand away as if she didn't need any form of comfort.
"Thank you." She followed up while tracing her hand on where I petted her. I was a little put off by her words since I expected her to be a Tsundere, giving me the whole: 'It's not like I like you, baka~' skit.
She didn't seem embarrassed after crying in front of me so pitifully. If I was to point out the change I felt in her, then it would be that she looked more refreshed. It was as if a burden had been taken off her shoulders. I was once again stumped for words as I felt she's breaking some sort of status quo...
"What? Your now a friend of mine~ It's only natural you'd comfort me when I'm down." She said innocently. Well, it looks like I was needlessly worried... It looks like having twin-tails as her hairstyle didn't immediately make her a Tsundere.
She seems have taken this chance to overcome her childhood trauma.
I hid the admiration I had for her deeply in my heart. Who knows what kind of arrogant and narcissistic quotes I would hear if I voiced my thoughts...? I'd rather bury these feeling I have.
At first, I thought I was the only special person in this magical world, but it looks like I was completely wrong. How could a normal 11 year old girl with a mind as strong as hers not be special as well?
"The reason you told me all that was due to the fact you wanted to ask me something, right? I am absolutely sure your holding a question in your heart and want it answered!" I asked deeply.
"Mhmm. I wanted to ask was: From your perspective, was what I did that time right... or wrong?" A darkness clouded here eyes as she asked something that was obvious to me personally.
"That's a stupid question." She didn't point out our status or anything even after seeing how informal I was. All she did was listen attentively to my opinion without interrupting my casually spoken words.
"There's no 'right' or 'wrong' way to murdering someone. No matter what justifications you use to sugarcoat your actions and no matter how much you think it wasn't your fault: What's done is done.
You can either be a good person by living with guilt of killing and torture your heart with your regret, or you can be a bad person and move on... The choice is yours to pick. Whether your right or wrong no longer matters now that your hands tainted like my own." I shrugged unconcernedly. It's not that I wasn't seriously giving her an answer, it was just that there was no right answer to her question. The world isn't as black and white as she made it out to be.
In my past life, I struggled to survive on the battlefield and threw away things like moral values in order to claw my way to victory. I did many crimes and killed dozens of people without mercy, yet all my sins were rewarded with golden medals.
If the world was a fair place, a man like me wouldn't deserve to live a happy life, so it's pointless to ponder on such useless things like right or wrong when pragmatism seems like the only option.
"Be good by regretting or be bad by moving on?" She sighed deeply while thinking hard about my words.
"It's as simple as that." I spoke with certainty.
"What makes you so certain?"
"Nothing great in particular. I mean, everyone has their own circumstances. And trying to make sense of everything would only lead down a path of self-justification. So don't think too deeply about it..."
"But... I want to be on the side of justice." She didn't seem convinced as she spoke of something all nobility desired. I mean, they are called 'nobles' for a reason. No one wants to consider their actions evil.
"Oh don't even try. No matter where you look through those books of yours, history has always shown that those on the side of 'justice' being the ones with most blood on their hands. Do you want to become someone can only move forward by telling yourself the lives you've taken weren't for nothing? I wouldn't advise this path..." I smiled knowingly as it wasn't like I had never been conflicted in the early days of my life as a soldier. As time went by... I had realised that war gave no room for such signs of compassion, so I cut it out of my heart to do my job.
"I'm not sure why you're acting like you're so experienced with murder when you've only killed one person." Sapphire brought me back to reality about my current life. Maybe it was better to regain my heart that could feel empathetic towards those I've killed. At least I would be able to consider myself more human if I agonised about it a little more.
However, I knew better than that. There might one day be a time where I would need to kill off my hesitation to pull the trigger towards someone in the future. Getting compassionate now would be hypocritical considering what I've already done.
"Now that's just being narrow-minded. Who cares about how many you kill? You won't be able wipe away the blood on your hands just because you've killed less than someone... In that way, you could say that we're both equals of the same standing."
"The same...?" She widened her eyes.
"Of course!" I nodded my head vigorously.
"Since we're both on the same level. How about it? Do you want to be a good person or a bad one?"
"...Would you judge me if I was to be a bad person?"
"Of course I... WOULD! Even I have my own moral standards, you know? Even I would feel scared if you thoughtlessly started to kill people." I surprised by giving her a dose of reality. There's no way I wouldn't be able to judge my employers actions.
"You're supposed to be on my side here..."
"Not gonna happen. Someone who killed people shouldn't act like a spoilt child. Get real already..."
"That's funny coming from someone who just recently blew off another person's head? I should be the one feeling scared here...!" She retorted by bringing up a pretty sensitive topic in her defence.
"...You're words are quite brutal."
"I guess we're cut from the same cloth."
"Come on, you know better than that."
"I guess so... but even so, I still admire you."
"You shouldn't..."
"Why not?"
"I'm a bad person. One without a heart."
"Liar."
'I'm serious..."
"And so am I. It looks like we're both equals." I really didn't know why she would tell me such a thing.
It was then she closed her eyes and became lost in thought for a moment. I didn't interrupt her as she took everything I said in and started to make a decision in her heart that would affect her for the rest of her life. Only after a few minutes did she open her eyes after coming to a resolution in her heart.
"What a strange but bold answer... As expected of you!" She laughed with a lively expression. The hint of sadness in her eyes dissipated at my words. It looks her heart was now free of its previous shackles that had always been strongly weighing her down.
"There's no right or wrong when killing, huh? You sound like a grown up." The Young Miss complained while pouting her lips. I really find this 'noble' girl interesting... To think she'd be so inwardly powerful! I still have long way to go in understanding women...
"I am a grown up... from the inside anyway." She looked at the 'mature' expression I was making on my face and couldn't help but roll her eyes. Even if I was to tell someone I'm a reincarnated old man on the inside, I doubt there's no one who would believe me. It is a little too unbelievable even on Sphera.