章節 9: Let Go
Chapter 9: Let Go..
The dead bodies...so many people dead..
Dead.
Because of the Winter Soldier.
I didn't sleep for a few nights...
I kept seeing him. The Winter Soldier. He's always there..watching. Waiting for the right moment to strike.
Steve decided to stay for a while until I was getting better. But if that was the case he was probably going to be staying for a long time because I never improved. At all.
"Buck? Did you hear me?"
I looked at Steve and frowned. "No sorry. I was thinking about something.." I muttered.
"I think maybe you should get...professional help with what your going through. I have a friend who-.."
"What do you mean by professional help?" I asked.
"Like a doctor." Steve sighed. "A doctor who could help you with the trauma."
"Doctor?" The closest memories I had of doctors were the doctors or scientists at H.Y.D.R.A.
The needles and syringes and scalpels and papers and-
"I'll let you think about it." Steve said before standing up and walking away.
Natasha sat by me and ran her fingers through my hair, humming a song I didn't recognize. "How are you feeling?"
"He's still there." I sighed. "I wish it would all just go away."
I tensed up as I saw a dark figure standing in front of me. His face was covered by a mask and the most noticeable thing about him was his arm. His metal arm.
"I know." She kissed the top of my forehead. "I wish he would go away too."
"How did you get away from it?" I asked, my eyes still fixed on the Winter Soldier.
"I don't know honestly..I think once I accepted myself and felt that I was 'redeemed' so to speak, it went away." Natasha shrugged. "I had blood in my ledger and I wiped it out."
"You make it sound so easy." I looked at her and it felt as if my worries were gone. I wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her closer.
"We'll figure it out." She smiled reassuringly. "I know we will. It'll just take time."
She always said that..at this point I think she was just saying that to herself. "Yeah..." I gave her a small smile.
"About what Steve said..." Natasha sighed. "He really thinks it'll be good for you."
"Yeah but Steve doesn't think for me. I don't think me seeing a therapist is a good idea. I don't need to be telling some random stranger my problems when I have people here that I trust and that I know won't let me down." I held Natasha's hand in mine.
"But they can give you what I can't." Natasha avoided making eye contact with me as she spoke. "As much as I've tried I haven't helped you. Mentally speaking. These 'doctors' know how to deal with these things, I think maybe you should try it out for a few days at least."
"I don't know Tasha.." I could tell she really wanted me to do it. I guess I should...I owe it to her. "One week?" I asked with a smile.
"Deal." She smiled back and gave me a quick kiss. "I'm going to go take a shower." She said before standing up.
I looked at Steve who walked back into the living room. There was a bit of tension between us since the day that Russian guy came. I knew he partially blamed me for what had happened..and he was kind of right. "I'm sorry for everything." I randomly said.
"It's okay. I just want to get this fixed as soon as possible." Steve simply said and held his hand out. "We're good right?"
I took his hand and shook it. "Yeah. We're good." I stood up. "I talked to Natasha. One week of the therapy stuff and that's it."
"Really?" He looked at me in shock. "I thought it would take a lot more convincing."
"I'm mostly doing it for Nat. I owe her a lot and she wants me to do it. I also wanted to thank you. You've done a lot and I'm sorry I haven't been as appreciative." I did honestly felt a little guilty, Steve's been staying here and he has done so much for me.
"No problem. I'll always be here." He smiled. "I have some things to do...I'll be back in a bit."
I nodded in response and watched as he left the apartment before walking into my room. Now that I was alone I could take in everything. I was going to be seeing a therapist and now that I thought about it...
It sounded horrible.
I don't know how I would be able to last even a week. I huffed in annoyance as I sat on my bed, running my hand through my hair. This was going to suck so bad. How did Steve know the therapist was able to be trusted? What if they tell someone about me? What if they're H.Y.D.R.A.? Maybe I am being dramatic but...anything could happen.
And I was not ready for that.
I snapped back into reality when Natasha entered the room. "Hey..you good?"
"Yeah. Of course.." I almost said sarcastically. "Everything okay with you?"
"Yeah..you just look a little bummed out I guess." She shrugged and sat by me.
I couldn't help but notice her wet hair as it draped along her shoulders, her blue eyes filled with worry. "I'm okay..really. I do like how much you worry about me though.." I smiled and moved a strand of hair behind her ear gently.
"Good. I'm always going to worry about you Barnes." She smiled back.
I gave a forced laugh, realizing how much Natasha had to put up with when it came to me. I mean..the nightmares in the middle of the night, the hallucinations, the constant threat of being taken away...
"I'm such a mess.." I said with a sigh.
"Your my mess." Natasha held my hand in hers, trying to reassure me. "I love you.." she said before pressing her lips to mine.
I pulled away, biting my lip. I could still feel the warmth of her lips on mine, the warmth I longed for but now...it almost felt wrong. "Natasha..." I said her name quietly, looking at her.
"What's wrong?" She asked, her expression even more concerned.
"I try to tell myself otherwise but- I can't- I feel so useless and I want to be better. For you- but of course I'm not and I feel like I'm just a problem for you. I'm just this burden on you and I don't want that for you." I ran my hand through my hair, gripping it tightly in frustration. "I want to be enough.."
"You are enough for me." Natasha took my face in her hands. "You always have been. Your not a burden or a problem or anything like that. James..your the best thing that's happened to me."
Her eyes spoke so much more than her words did, I knew she was being honest and I could see that but I also saw the fear in her eyes. It was the fear of losing me. "Your really okay with all-" I gestured to myself. "This..?"
She nodded. "Yeah. I am. I love you so much James. Don't you ever forget that."
"I won't forget. I promise..." I bit my lip, something that became a habit now, and leaned my forehead against hers, my arms wrapped around her waist. "I love you too...more than anything."
That night, I couldn't sleep as usual, but it wasn't because of nightmares it was because my mind wouldn't shut up.
So many questions. So many "what ifs". So many doubts. My mind blamed me. Hated me. Bullied me. Tortured me. What to do what to do what to do what to do...
I sat up, glancing at Natasha who was still asleep. I walked to my dresser and grabbed a shirt, putting it on and also grabbed a hoodie before leaving the apartment.
My mind was driving me crazy, going through so many things at once that it was making my head spin. I walked up the stairs and went to the roof. I sat on the edge, I had a sense of deja vu as I looked down, my legs dangling off the edge, the cars and trucks driving, people walking past going about their business.
The thought of falling...
What would it be like? It would be a quick way to go...
I leaned forward slightly, the only thing really keeping me from falling was my metal hand, holding onto the concrete. I could feel the metal digging into the concrete. What if I just-?
I let go.
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