章節 4: "LIFE": To be continued...

LIFE

To the Man I Want to Build My Life With

Everyone I've met thus far in my life has played a part in my story. And while some have taken up chapters, most just scribbled notes in the margins. You are the one I want to grace all of the pages I have yet to write. In an instant, you changed my life.

I'd refer to you by name, but for now it's best I don't.

Everyone I've met thus far in my life has played a part in my story. And while some have taken up chapters, most just scribbled notes in the margins.

You are the one I want to grace all of the pages I have yet to write.

I've made no secret of the misfortunes in my life.

You expect your mid-20s to be a time for starting your life as an adult. You start a career, settle down with the one you love, and look to build a beautiful family together.

I wanted that -- more than anyone. I dreamed of being a wife and eventually a mother. Unfortunately, it just wasn't my time. So instead of starting my life, I had to pick up the shattered pieces to one that was once filled with so much promise -- alone.

There are no words to describe that type of pain. It just hurts... like hell. The sun doesn't shine as brightly, life moves a little bit slower, and your heart -- it just doesn't beat the same way anymore.

There's this numbness -- to everything.

And so for the longest time, I've ventured along this broken road in hopes I would find something that would give my heart every reason to beat normally again. Pain made me fear it wouldn't, but faith led me to believe it would.

Regardless, I've journeyed. Along the way, life has pulled me in different directions, introduced me to new people, and given me a completely new perspective.

As I began to open the doors to another potential relationship, I forced myself to be extremely selective. I'm no longer teen-something looking for a girlfriend. I'm a 21-year-old looking for a Man to build my life with.

"Settling for mediocre love isn't something I am willing to do. Not in this life anyway."

Someone to complement me, and conquer everything with -- one who will stand by my side and love me no matter where this journey takes us.

Needless to say, what I'm looking for today is a lot different than ever before.

But I don't believe in using others as a Band-Aid to a cover up a wound, either.

Sure, I get lonely at times (a lot of times, actually). But you have to reserve that spot for someone special. If you give it away freely, it loses meaning, and you'll never fully appreciate the right person when they do come along.

Time is so damn important. It's precious and should never be wasted on someone who doesn't make your heart scream. So I'm hesitant in giving it just to anyone. I love a man's companionship, but I'm not desperate for attention. While most women find value in making themselves available to any man that gives them the time of day, I've made myself unavailable to most. Unorthodox, yes... but I value quality over quantity.

As for the ones who have gotten my time? Some have been kind, others not so much -- yet none have ever made my heart beat the way it once did.

I guess I expect to look at someone and just want every piece of them in my life. Their mind, body and soul... their hopes, dreams and fears.

I've thought at times, "Maybe it's me. Maybe I just don't have the emotional capacity to feel that strongly for someone again."

You start to believe that pain sort of scars you and that everything you're looking for is unrealistic, especially when you're part of a generation whose dating habits consist of swiping on a screen.

Do I find that disappointing? For sure.

But settling for mediocre love isn't something I am willing to do. Not in this life anyway.

So willingly, I've walked alone. In hopes that one day I'll take a glance at someone and feel that fire burn violently inside me once again. Someone whose hand I'll grab and march together with toward the moon.

As the months have passed, I've focused on bettering myself, building a strong career that will serve as the foundation for the life I wish to give my family, mastering my craft as a writer, but more importantly, rebuilding a part of myself that was once lost.

And I've lived, hoping one day, someday, something magnificent would happen; something that would make sense of everything I've been through.

Time has passed, but I've never lost faith.

And sure enough, I glanced up to notice something more magnificent than I could have ever dreamed.

I laid eyes on you, and nothing in my life has been the same since.

You were draped in this beautiful outfit that contoured your body like a glove.The way you walked to me . The glance you gave me.Everything around you was black and white, and you shined in color.

It was magical. In an instant, you changed my life.

That feeling I prayed about just sort of happened. It's that feeling we all get once in our life -- if we're lucky. And on that day, I guess luck was on my side.

You were this different kind of beautiful, unlike anything I had ever seen. When you smiled and looked my way -- I can't even explain what that did to me.

You made my heart beat in a crazy way, like never before.

It was like my eyes locked onto a soul that I waited years to find.

I felt something so deep within me, and I immediately knew that this broken road filled with pain and uncertainty led me to you.

And while I didn't know how or even why at that point, I knew I had to clear space in my mind for you to stay. In whichever capacity destiny had planned.

But I knew I would have to let you go until destiny allowed us to meet again.

I went home that evening with this overwhelming desire to learn everything about you.

I wasn't sure if or when I'd see you again, but I was determined to find a way.

Of course, life is never that simple. Circumstances have prevented me from expressing my true feelings for you. But life teaches us that the greatest things are worth waiting for, right?

"You were this different kind of beautiful, unlike anything I had ever seen. In an instant, you changed my life."

Somehow I knew that it would take time and patience; both of which I already knew you were worth. And both of which I was prepared to give.

So I waited.