章節 4: Expectations, Lies, and Despair
All of my cousins grew up to be really smart and talented people, my dad expcted the same for me too, if I had trouble learning something he would say it was because I wasn't spending enough time on it and to study more. So I began to thread a careful lie.
I told him i aced my tests and class, that went all over to college, which at first I could keep up the lie but as classes got harder in an Engineer major, as my father wanted and expected, i began to fall behind.
I am the only daughter of my father. Me and my sister share the same mother but not the same father. They were relying on me. For me to have a good career to aid them once they grew old. So i could have a good life. i just wanted a simple life, a simple job, i dont want luxuries or anything, but since dad lived a harsh life and he couldnt study engineering not because he wasn't smart enough, but because his father didnt had enough money to send him to school and he had to work to feed his smaller siblings along his father and pay their schooling since he was the oldest, he now wanted me to have a good career.
My first f came. And i keep it a secret. A withdrawal later i finally passed chemistry, but got stuck at physics and high lvl maths i kept having to keep repeating.
Now after 5 years, i have been kicked out, they expected me to graduate from the one of the best universities in the state for Engineering thanks to my lies, but I was lucky enough I was even in college, with my 2.3GPA there was no way that the school would accept me.
Being kicked out because I had no money to pay the school classes, nor a way to keep my grades up hurt. Now how would I tell my parents I wouldn't be graduating after all? That I was a failure in life who wasted 5 years of money and time?
Dad never let me date until I were to finish my career, now that its not finished, I just cant face my parents, how to even start to tell them? My dad is sick, the shock from the news would kill him.
Because of the conflicts we had when I was in highschool, my mother and father now cant spend a day without arguing, they were such a loving couple, but because of me that turned into hate. Maybe If i hadn't been born, maybe my mom would still be able to walk, maybe they would have another child who would be the smart one.
Depression came without me even realizing it. I often found myself wondering how I could die without troubling my parents. You see. Dying is the easy part, but funerals cost money, i dont want to leave them indebted. I dont want them to find out i was a failure after my death, having to deal with funeral money they dont have and having people mocking them for having a daughter who suicided. So i made up my mind. I will live my life alone, continuing my lie until my parents pass away, then I can go too.
I cut ties with the little friends I had. i also left yet another online guy who I was starting to grow feelings for, what was the use in hoping to be with someone? If i couldn't be with them at the end? If my father would never accept m being a failure. If i am a depressed mess, why trouble yet another guy with a bag of trash like me? So I parted ways with him too.
So now here I am, my parents are busy in mexico and I am here alone. What to do what to do? Every day is even more tiresome than the last. My parents needing money while coming back in a couple of months with the dream of watching their daughter graduate at last. Just what the hell is my life worth?
I wondered this day and night. Trying my best to find a job as a college dropout. I wasn't even a bit good looking or charismatic enough or even skilled enough to pass job interviews being socially awkward the way i am.
What I am supposed to do? Guess I didn't have to worry, its not as if I was directly looking for death, but when the man began stabbing me out of boredom in the middle of the night as I walked home, felt painful, but with the pain came such a peaceful feeling. Maybe now I can rest. Maybe now I can finally be free of all the pressure I had.
I'm sorry mom and dad, but the darkness is so peaceful, so quiet... So warm, would it be too bad if I stay here for a bit..? I'm so sorry I couldn't be the daughter you both deserved. I'm so sorry for pushing you both apart. I'm so sorry for being a failure, please have a good child on your next life once its time for you both to move on at last.
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