章節 8: My pain

After talking to Hazel, I kept on thinking on what kind of guy had she actually dated until she become like this. Maybe it's because of what happen to her mother and her father not caring much about her that makes her felt lonely. She had never told me before that she's dating because I guessed it myself seeing her Instagram's story and post. It was obvious that she's in love but I decide not to ask her because that was her privacy. I don't want to invade her privacy just because of this. Maybe some people might actually think I'm stupid for not invading her privacy. For me respecting one's privacy makes ones respect your privacy as well.

I continue doing homework while listening to BTS's songs. I like to put their songs on replay as their songs really help me do my homework. Without their songs, most of the time I would be distracted by other things. I did my homework until my mom calls me down for dinner. When I enter the kitchen, I just sat down and eat my dinner as they have already started eating without waiting for me. We don't act like others family where they wait for each other to sit down on the table and eat together. I just want to finish up my dinner quickly and continue doing my homework. I know that many people think that I'm a homework freak but I'm actually trying to hide away from troubles. I don't want to get into trouble with my brother.

Nothing good could ever come out whenever the both of us talk. He's so disrespectful that I'm actually trying to discipline him a little by scolding him but he just wouldn't listen. If I was the one being disrespectful towards my mom, she would have scolded me already but when it comes to my brother, she seems to not do anything. I hate the fact that my mother pampers my brother to the point that he's too lazy to study. And now she's paying the price for it. Every single time she asks him to study he would give 1001 reasons just to avoid studying. When she forced him, there will be tons of beautiful words that will be flying out from his mouth which is unpleasant for me to hear. All that I could conclude is that I've lost my mom favour since I was Form 3.

Because of what happened during Form 2, I start to distance myself from everyone even my own family. I just don't want people to pity me. I want to build a wall between me and other people so that they wouldn't be able to hurt me anymore. I'm actually quite sick of getting hurt. It just hurts so much to the point that I wish I have never existed in other people's life. I've always felt like a burden to other people. And my family just proves me right. Since young, I don't know how does it feels like to have a father. It's not that he's dead. He just doesn't want me. I stayed with my grandparents until the age of 2. I can only come back and stay with my parents because they were worried that one day, I will choose to forget their existence in my life.

I think the truth is that they were just worried to let my younger sister take the responsibility to be the eldest. I'm hated by my own parents. How I hope I could turn back time and stayed with my aunt at that time? How I wish that I would never be back here? How I wish that I was never born? Of course, being the role model is a very important duty of mine. I was forced to study every day. And worst of all I have to take the initiative to study on my own. I could not ask anyone if I don't know anything. I have to work hard on my own. I push myself to prove myself worthy of their love but sometimes I think that all my efforts just went into the drain. I was never being appreciated. I had never been a child to be proud off. Can anyone imagine how does it feels like to be called stupid at the age of 7? At that time, I don't even know the meaning of that word. When I truly know that meaning, I don't know that it could hurt me so much to the point I started hating my own father. In my eyes, he just donated one sperm in my body and did nothing else to teach me on becoming a useful person.

Maybe some people say it's not right to hate your own father but for me why must I love him when he was the one who doesn't want me in the first place. No one could treat me like how much first aunt treated me. She was the only person that had truly loved me. From young she pamper me like no tomorrow. Every week she is willing to travel from City S to City Q just to bring me out to have fun. Although my first aunt has 2 daughters but my cousins treat me well too. They would bring me to places that my parents have never brought me to. For me, that was the most beautiful moment of my childhood. But sadly, my happiness doesn't last long when my first aunt went bankrupt and she had a falling out with my so-called father. She stopped visiting me after that. I once again become like a bird being caged in its own home.

All my life just revolves around study from that day onwards. I don't know that I could still laugh but I do realize that those laughter and smile were no longer the same. I know that I have changed. I might not understand why I had done that but I know that my own father had hurts me the most. It makes me hate guys in the world thinking that they're all the same. Until BTS came into my life, I had never been kind to any guys. Thankfully BTS slowly changes my point of view towards guys. Because of them I would be able to know how does it feels like to be loved and happy again.