章節 18: Dancin' Homer

-So, what happened in Capital City? -Oh, Barney. We're dying of curiosity. The only thing worse than being a loser is being a guy telling the story of how he became a loser. -I don't want that to happen to me. -Please, Homer? Well, okay. It was "Nuclear Plant Employee, Spouses and No-More-Than-Three-Kids Night" down at Springfield Stadium. I think we lost them. And we're at the ballpark! All right! Two birds with one stone! Okay, everybody out! Some of the players you see may make it to the big leagues. -Will we see washed-up major leaguers? -Sure, there's a nice mix. There's no better place to spend a balmy summers' night. The grass of the outfield, the brick of the infield and the chalk lines that divide the man from the boy. Lisa, you're forgetting the beer. It comes in 72-ounce tubs. -Space out the tubs this year. -What do you mean? Last year you got rambunctious and mooned the umpire. Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty to make a complete ass of myself. The Gammills! Good to see you. You're an inspiration to us in Waste Management. Forget about contaminants for one night and have a hot dog. -Put a smile on his card, Smithers. -Already there, sir. -The Simpsons, sir. -Well, if it isn't the Simps. Oh, the Simpsons, sir. Oh, yes. Homer and Marge Simpson. Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa and Expecting. The card needs to be updated, sir. That's okay. The baby's name isn't important. Let's go. Red Hots! Get your Red Hots here! Flash Bailor! I gotta get his autograph. He was a star. -Will you sign my ball? -No. Lousy, washed-up, broken-down tub of guts! -Who does he think he is? -What's wrong? -He won't sign my ball. -He's a fine role model. Bart, give me that ball. Check out the mature quail heading over. Little lady, what can Flash do for you? Here you go, Bart. "Springfield Kozy Kort Motel, Room 26. How about it? Flash. " Wow, Flash Bailor came on to my wife! You've still got the magic, Marge. Hey, Dad, look! You're on Jumbo-Vision! Hey, everybody! How you doing? Look at me! I'm Homer Simpson! Homer. Homer! X-Y-Z. Examine my zipper? Why? -Thanks, everybody. -Throwing out tonight's first ball the man whose name is synonymous with the safest energy source: Mr. Montgomery Burns! -They love you. -As they should. When I was a young buck my fade-away pitch was compared to the trouble ball of Satchel Paige. -Spit on this for me, Smithers. -One hawker coming up, sir. What a lame-o! -I could hear the air being torn, sir. -Oh, shut up! Hey, Burns! Hey, rag arm! -You throw like my sister! -Yeah, you throw like me! To honor America, please rise for our national anthem sung by Springfield's R & B sensation, "Bleeding Gums" Murphy. Dan Horde, mikeside. Our Isotopes take on the Shelbyville Shelbyvillians. We look to snap the longest losing streak in pro baseball. How about that? We're in the record book! Sitting with the employees proves I'm their friend. Get me an aisle seat. I don't want to be surrounded. Let's go! Swing, batter! -We want a pitcher, not an itcher! -We want a catcher, not a scratcher! -Here we are, sir. -Oh, no! Sitting next to the boss. The best night of the year and it's ruined. Of all the lousy, rotten. It just means you can't wave your fanny in public. Rub it in. -Beer here! Duff Beer! -Beer. Did you hear that, Marge? Delicious, frosty beer. Fat lot of good it does me sitting next to Burns. Now, Homer. -I suppose you want a beer? -Me, sir? Not a chance. Only idiots drink beer. I wonder if you'd join me. My treat. If someone of your stature can enjoy a beer, maybe I'm wrong on the subject. -Are we having a drug test tomorrow? -No. Vendor, two, please. The hitter's off his rocker, kissing Betty Crocker! Good one, sir! I used to rile Connie Mack with that one at old Shibe Park. Little baby batter, can't control his bladder! Crude, but I like it. What do you say we freshen up our little drinkie-poos? Don't mind if I do. -Well, Simpsie, up for another wave? -All right, Burnsie. Bases loaded, 'Topes have 1 out, down by 3. Swung on and missed. Strike 3, of course. These banjos couldn't carry Pie Traynor's glove. After Bill McCIoskey pops out, our post-game show starts. Come on! All we need is a grand slam! My one game of the year, ruined by pathetic incompetence! What's wrong with you? Show some spirit! Your team needs you! Come on! As I got up, I felt an intoxication that had nothing to do with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle. Some nut's dancing! He has the crowd going. Can he shake up mediocre slugger Bill McCloskey? Swung on and belted to deep left field! Going, going, gone! It's out of here! Oh, my God! The Isotopes win a game! The Isotopes win a game! -That was certainly exciting. -Yes. But Simpson's shameless display of exhibitionism tainted the evening. He's banned for life from all company outings. Way to go, Homer. Thank you. You're too kind, but I can't take all the credit. The batter did his part too. Excuse me. You, the dancing fella. I'm Antoine "Tex" O'Hara. I own the Isotopes. -Would you like to be our mascot? -Me? A mascot for a bush-league team? I should've slept on it, or at least stared blankly. If I hadn't thought of a nickname, all our lives might've been spared. -Get on the bus, Dancing Homer! -Shut up! I'm thinking of a name! Well, I'm ready to punch in. -Hey, cool, man! -Our lives have taken an odd turn. -Did they ask you to dress like that? -No, this was my idea. Don't fill up on those vegetables. Save room for nachos. All right! For the first time, people didn't laugh at me. They laughed towards me. 'Topes win! Two in a row! A Simpson on a T-shirt! I never thought I'd see the day. I'll stick this where the sun don't shine. Oh yeah? And where might that be? I'm in a Caribbean mood tonight. Give me "Baby Elephant Walk" with a little reggae beat. -Go, Dancing Homer! Get up, man! -Lively up yourself, Dancing Homer. Bases loaded, two outs. The good guys trail by a run. S-P-R- -l-N-G- -F-E-E-L-D! Springfield! Here's the pitch. Swung on and missed. Strike three. 'Topes lose. 'Topes lose. 'Topes lose. You wanted to see me? Now we both knew when you began doing this, you wouldn't be here forever. You can't fire the players, so you fire the mascot! -You make me sick. -I'm not firing you. You've been called up to Capital City. -Me? The majors? -That's right. Wait, Capital City has a mascot. The greatest one there is: The Capital City Goofball. He's getting old, needs someone to fill in a few innings a night. -Could be a big opportunity. -I'll say! -Why don't you talk to your family? -Because they might say no. This was a big decision. I should've listened to my kids, not my dumb wife. I shouldn't call her that. Bite my tongue. I can't go! I was born here. I thought I'd die here. It's not so bad. You'll die someplace else. -What do I do about friends? -You'll make new, better friends. But, Dad, we're simple people with simple values. Capital City is too complex. Everyone here knows us and has forgiven us. I'd be lying if I didn't say this scares me a little. But we all have a calling, a reason God put us on this earth. Yours is dancing on dugouts. -You mean--? -Let's do it! Let's never look back! Whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger. I've gotta convince my supervisor to give me time off. Sure. What would you like? Four, five years? So you're really moving to Capital City? -That's right. -And all this is for sale? I don't know how to say this, but. Knock it off. Don't start blubbering on me. I'm gonna miss you too. Not. I don't know. I'll miss you and all, but-- Milhouse, this way, we'll be friends forever. Well, okay. -I'll miss you, spit brother. -I'll miss you, spit brother. If we had known each other better, my leaving would actually mean something. We have one quick stop, and then it's on to Capital City. I can't believe it. Our baby sister. -I'll call every day. -Me too. Look. He can use a horn. Oh, shut up! Some may say that I have been given a bad break in life. Little education, bald as a cue ball 10 years on the same job for the same salary. But today, as I leave for Capital City I consider myself the luckiest mascot on the face of the earth. With the fickle fans already forgetting me I was ready to take the biggest step of my life. Well, kids. There it is! Capital City! Look! The Crosstown Bridge. -Wow! -Wow. The Pennyloafer! Kids, look! Street crime. Wow, that's service. -Look, it's Tony Bennett! -Hey, good to see you. Fourth Street and D! The Duff Brewery! Capital City, yeah! C-A-P-I. -Come to bed, Homie. -Sorry, honey. I'm just a little nervous. We would talk about it always: For the first time ever Marge fell asleep before I did. Okay, here are your tickets. You're with the players' wives. Cheer for me. See you afterwards when you're a star. Bart was strangely quiet. Later, he said he was confused by his respect for me. It wouldn't last. Oh, my God, I don't believe it. It's you! -The Capital City Goofball. -Hello, glad to have you. If you need anything, just squeeze the wheeze. The 5th inning will be yours. Everyone is settled in, had a couple of beers. -It's an important inning. -The 5th. It's also the inning I wish I had a zipper in the front. -Right, Mr. Goofball. -Call me Goof. What's your plan? I dance and spell out the name of the city to "Baby Elephant Walk. " Mancini: the mascot's best friend. See you on that field. I set them up, you knock them down. Dave Glass talking at you. We got great weather tonight under the dome. Let's see. Upper, upper, upper mezzanine. -Yes, these must be ours. -These seats stink! -I thought the wives would be closer. -This section is for the ex-wives. -He had some bimbo in Kansas City. -Throw at his head! A free ticket to a big-league park, but I was too tense to enjoy the game. I was too focused on the task at hand. -Red Hots! Get your Red Hots! -Ooh, Red Hots. Ladies and gentlemen, Capital City's newest sensation: Dancin' Homer! These do taste better at the ballpark. There he is! I was graceful. I was witty. Brother, I was something! But they didn't care. What is with these people? -What's he doing wrong? -I don't know. It was so quiet, I could hear each smart-ass remark. -He doesn't make me want to cheer. -I pity him, making a fool of himself. These cornball antics don't play in Capital City! The only applause I got was for leaving. Mr. Showmanship, the owner wants to see you in his office. I'm sorry, you're not ready. Pick up your check. And put some clothes on! Well, back to Springfield. I can't! Not after I've seen Capital City! I'll wither and die like a flower. Stop it. Don't look too down. It's hard enough for your dad. -All right, Homer! Way to go! -What a family. My wife and kids stood by me. On the way home, I realized how little that helped. So that's it. The costume's buried now. As my son would say, I'm one sad, ape-like dude. -Wow. -What a saga. You guys are hanging on my every word. I'm the center of attention. -It's riveting. -Tell it again, Homer. I wonder why stories of degradation and humiliation make you more popular. I don't know. They just do.