章節 12: Duality
What do you do when you like has transformed into a personal hell? One that you cannot share with anyone else, because they wouldn't get it, because it's nothing like their own personal hell. Is it useful to compare it? Or you just go hide back in your own darkness and pretend you have not met other kinds of pain, because you need to choose one to commit to, and step by step you will register them as your most precious assets. What do you choose to have? How do you want it to continue and who or what will you allow to stay by your side when the moment of truth comes?
I always have two ME to carry around, one that I get to show to the society, the one that makes people laugh by pretending to be silly and unaware of all my problems. This part of me that I call the Pleaser, the one that always listens and never judges, the one that is always there when you need her, but even though she may seem sweet and nice, in reality she is actually suffocating the other me, which is the Real ME.
I get so tired sometimes of carrying these two versions of myself, one that looks perfect on paper, always happy and funny, loyal and honest. But the other me, is the one that I hear in the back of my mind whispering:"You are not worth it!", "You are not enough.", "Stop trying".... Sometimes I want her to be gone, to leave me alone and find peace, but in the end she always seems to be right. And she is the only one who actually is always there when I need someone to talk to, she always finds a way to solve any situation. She doesn't like second chances, romance and happiness, she prefers the pain, and ecen when I think I want the pain to be gone I realize then is the only moment I actually get to feel something at all. When she isn't around I do not feel complete, I search for her, I need her, I must have her around to scold the Pleaser for being too gullible, to innocent, to genuine. The Real ME hates the Pleaser, but also needs her because without her she feels like she is actually right about the others, the others care only about them, care more about showing that they are capable of love that actually truly loving someone.
Sometimes they fight so much that they go quiet all of a sudden, that is the most terrifying moment ever, when the silence and the emptiness swallows me, but not for too long... it takes a few second to regain consciousness and realize that I have wasted all the potential ways of distracting myself. From what you may think....
Answer: From thinking
I have when I have to think, it never ends well for any version of ME. They get dissapointed, frustrated and anxious and they do reckless things, like getting involved is useless matters, like "love" and "friendship", am I that cynical?!
What about you? How many sides of you are there? In your head? Or are still on the quest of discovering them?
Well, keep going. I cannot guarantee you will like what you find, but THEY will definitely find you eventually, so get ready because it's gonna be a hell of a ride.
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