章節 47: Sentimentality
Lucian had never felt so unsure of himself before. But in this short span of a month, since Aileene figure had so decidedly turned away from him. He thought that he would have been happy, or even somewhat satisfied with this conclusion. This was what he had wanted, what he had prepared himself for. This would be the best for the both of them, he couldn't simply enter her life once again after so many years. He was not someone that could justifiably stand by her, his goals were all but pitted against her. And with so few interactions over the years, she had lived a life of her own in the country that she loves. She would not find it in herself to give up everything to rekindle any relationship that they could have had. Even so, who was he to barge in and demand of her anything?
What if this was just a fleeting interest for him? He was still young, what if any and all special fascination they had with each other were simply immature?
He could not answer his own questions, nor could he bring himself to move on. He was stuck in a loop of feelings he didn't specifically understand, so long had he been driven to complete only his singular goal. He had forgotten what it was like to simply experience life. In some ways, he was emotionally stunted. And no matter how he had grown over these few years, he could still recognize this deficit.
Lucian wasn't someone that could easily deal with pure feelings or emotions. He had gotten the trait from his father, who had been brilliant, but rather antisocial from a young age. The only light in their world was his mother, whom had always been rather talkative and social. She was both emotionally intelligent and clever, having interest and knowledge in anything and everything.
When he had been a child, he would sit on his father's lap every time they had summer picnics together. His mother would sit beside them with a care-free smile, as she always insisted that they spent time together as a family. No matter how busy they were, they would have each other. She would also add with a small smile at the end that they would all have something to excuse them from their duty. Or in his case, his long and dull lessons. His mother also stubbornly told them that being less stressed would improve their mental health and even make them happier. And he couldn't agree more, the happiest he had ever been was sitting on his father's lap, as he listened to his mother's unending tales.
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