章節 4: Rolling With It

A short, somewhat pudgy man with dirty blond hair and wearing a cape barreled out of his carriage towards me. With his rounded (if somewhat tired-looking) face and obvious excitement were it not for the actually quite bushy blond mustache over his lips he would have been quite the babyface.

"THOSE CLOTHES, WHERE DID YOU HAVE THEM MADE!" he spat at my face. Then he began circling around me and patting my shoulders. "I've never seen such a design before, and this needlework… how is it possible?"

"Roll with it?" I whispered.

/"Roll with it."/ Monika answered softly, her tone just as dumbstruck.

"I SEE YOU ARE ALSO A MAN OF CULTURE AND TASTE!" I replied back to the strange overly excited person. "Yes, indeed, this clothing is my own invention – the Universal Suit Mark II! Simple but formal, suitable for all occasions! Light on the shoulders, cool when the sun is out but warm when closed up. Easy to move in, resistant to being wrinkled! Water resistant too!"

He drew back with exaggerated shock. "Astounding!"

/"Um, okay we're rolling but could we do with less Indiana Jones Temple of Doom-sized boulders?"/

"Too late, there was a time to stop but clearly we're long past it so let's just keep going and see what happens," I whispered in return.

/"That was less than five seconds ago!"/

"Excuse me, what was that?"

"Ahem. You are a clothier or involved in the fashion business or the arts, I trust?" I asked the man again.

"Indeed we are kindred spirits, sir! This is indeed a very fortuitous encounter! I am ZANAC, THE FASHION KING!" He grinned and began rubbing his hands together. "May I know your name?"

"Mmm. I guess you could call me… ZAH PLAYA. Technically, Zah Playa /von/ Chara but those titles are worthless this far from my homeland. Just Playa will do. Excellent to meet you, Your Trendy Majesty."

/"My what bullshit you weave my dear."/ Monika was completely unamused.

I grinned at him and beckoned him closer. "I'll tell you another secret…"

Zanac crab-walked closer and presented his left ear. I whispered into it "… although this outfit is made for a man, you will find that there are few designs so sexy despite being fully covering when you put it on a woman."

"Gurk! How… how SENSATIONAL! If you say so, it must be true!"

/"I didn't know you had a thing for office ladies. Not squishy tight thigh-high stockings? I'm a bit disappointed."/

I clacked my tongue against the roof of my mouth. "Tell you what, I'm about due to make the Universal Suit Mark Three. I'll sell you these clothes and open the possibility for further cooperation in exchange for giving me a lift to the nearest town."

"C-certainly! It would be my pleasure to assist, sir Playah!" Zanac got his excited panting back under control and motioned to his open coach. "But if you wanted to go to the nearest town, did you know you were headed in the completely wrong direction?"

"Obviously not. I am a traveler from very distant lands. Let's just say I encountered unexpected difficulties along the way and that's why I'm walking having lost even my umbrella."

"Then please, allow me to provide you transportation!" He held out his hand. "Once again, I am Zanac."

We shook hands. "Once again, I am Playah."

And as we sat inside the carriage and it trundled along to its destination, Monika began singing, her voice hopping from ear to ear on my headphones.

/"Why the bleep you lying? Why you always lying?"/ She was grinning widely, swaying and gyrating her hips.

"For the lols."

"Excuse, what was that?" Zanac asked.

"The Lolz. They were such a nice old couple. I just remembered a memory related to the design of these clothes."

Monika pointed finger guns at me. /"Oh my gosh, could you stop bleeping lying?!"/ (1)

Monika please. This is sales talk. Half of sales talk are outright goddamn lies and the rest raw bullshit. I'm getting 100% commission on pre-owned material, this is amazing.

/"You look like want to say some-thing. But I can't read your mi-ind- so let's leave that for la-ter. You gotta explai-ain. Why you so good at lyin'?"/

Zanac reached out to try and touch my sleeves and then pulled back. He began to rub his fingers, trying to remember the feel of the cloth. He noticed that I was looking down at his moving fingers and tried to meet my eyes, but of course I didn't have any visible eyes, so he looked away disturbed at how well I was able to perceive things anyway.

Rather than ask the obvious question, "What material is that?" he inquired plaintively.

"Polyester. Artificial silk."

He let out a little happy squeal. "Marvelous! Just marvelous! Do you happen to have any more?"

"Unfortunately, no. I do recall the formula for an inferior version that could be made out of wood pulp though."

/"Oh. I see. You do have most of Wikipedia downloaded in here. It's not a total lie."/

"That sounds downright miraculous! Are you sure? Just how inferior?"

"It will shrink when washed carelessly."

"Real silk also does that," Zanac waved the issue aside. "If what you say is true… this could be immense! The possibilities!"

"I can prove it if I had access to a laboratory and chemicals. I'm no charlatan out to weave the Emperor's New Clothes out of nothing."

"A what now? That sounds… interesting."

So I told him that old Andersen tale-

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That there was once an Emperor that was so enamored of new clothes that he spent most of his money on being well-dressed. A pair of swindlers pretending to be weavers talked him into clothes made out of the most magnificent fabric, one that not only had colors and patterns uncommonly fine but had the special quality of being invisible to anyone fit for the office or specially stupid.

The Emperor thought that was such a great idea, he would be able to tell the wise men from the fools. He gave them lots of gold and whatever fine fabrics and tools they required to start working.

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Zanac winced. He could easily see where this was going.

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So of course, every person the Emperor sent to tell him of how it was going reported to him that it was the most brilliant work they had ever seen. And everyone else, just as afraid to look like fools, confirmed what they said.

In the end, the Emperor himself saw the nothing on the looms and after hearing all the praises of his ministers feared that he was himself a fool. He gave the swindlers his highest approval and titles of Sir Weaver.

The swindlers made a show of cutting the air and sewing, preparing for the Emperor's procession. They presented him with such 'clothing' so fine and airy, lighter than a spider's web it was like wearing nothing at all.

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By this point Zanac had his head on his palms and groaning.

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And to sum it up, the Emperor went on a procession to show off his expensive new clothes buck ass naked. And everyone was singing praises over the most magnificent clothes because they didn't want to admit to being stupid.

Until a child decided to shout "But he hasn't got anything on!" Though quickly shushed, the whisper began to pass through the crowd until they had to agree and cry out – the Emperor hasn't got anything on!

And the Emperor shivered, for he suspected they were right. But the procession had to go on, with head held proudly high and his noblemen holding high the train that wasn't there at all.

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"That is indeed a most excellent tale for clothiers. A good cautionary tale about vanity and courtly pride. It sounds silly, but somehow I feel that someone somewhere must have been stupid enough to try it. You are indeed a comrade, Sir Playa. I will help you to the best of my ability!"

/"Seriously? Come on, you can't be persuaded that easily. What sort of silly isekai story is this?!"/

Well he was a nice guy. That boded well. We're not rolling for loyalty, Monika, just general good rapport for business.

/"Is this to be a riveting tale of plagiarism and industry?!"/ Monika paused to consider it. /"Considering that Andersen first published that in 1837 but himself may have been inspired by 1335 Spanish story from the Tales of Count Lucanor, and in itself maybe based on an even older story from India, that's basically just how new intellectual properties evolve."/

Monika clutched at her head and let out a pained moan. /"I remain very conflicted about the whole benefits and drawbacks of copyright violation. But I think a nice and fluffy business isekai would at least be nicer and safer than a war isekai or a harem isekai."/

War isekai I understand. But what's so dangerous about harem isekai? Kinda a weird worry for a character from a… ̷d̷a̷t̷i̷n̷g̷ ̷s̷i̷m̷ psychological horro…

Oh.