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Chương 1: João Neto's diary - Pubic hair
This story takes place in the interior of Maranhão, Brazil. And the texts that follow are pages from João Neto's diary, in which he wrote his perceptions about his sexuality, when he began to feel sexually attracted to his childhood friend. Without any information, he created the most innocent and silly theories to explain his sexual desire for people of the same sex.
Pubic hair
Friday, April 5, 2002
Today, I realized that I am different. I had suspected this for a long time, but I had no one to talk to about it and everything in my head seemed disconnected. What happened today led me to a theory, it's still a theory, but I need to prove it. It all happened when I went to the fields with Tiago to collect corn for the pigs.
He wanted to show me that he was already a man, or almost so. He told me that he was anxious for someone to see that he was no longer a boy, and asked me if it would be okay if he showed me. I told him no and he showed me. He took off his pants and, standing in front of me, showed me some hair around his dick. I looked embarrassed, not knowing what to say. And he, proudly, said:
- Look at this, it's already turning black - and I just looked and nodded.
Not satisfied with the situation, he wanted to know if I also had that hair. Embarrassed, I didn't want to show him, we were both 12 years old and it was very likely that I was too, that was his thought. Because I didn't want to show it, he concluded that I was embarrassed because I had less hair than him. I didn't care about the amount of hair, for me it was irrelevant. The fact that I didn't show it had nothing to do with what he thought, in fact, I even had more hair than he did. I didn't show him because I got excited seeing him naked.
Knowing that men attracted me was nothing new, I knew that men enchanted me. But getting excited in front of a male figure was scary. Until that moment I just thought men were beautiful and smelled good. It didn't even occur to me that I could have sex with them, I thought that at that stage, during adolescence, all boys had the same feeling.
I went home feeling bad. I was embarrassed by what had happened, even though no one but me knew. However, the fact that I knew was enough to scare me. During the night, in my insomnia, I concluded that all boys went through this. Convinced of the veracity of my thought, I decided to check it. And as soon as I met my friend again, I would show him my hair and see if he, like me, would get excited. I was sure so. If he gets a hard-on, I'll prove my theory: all boys have the same feelings as me.
The theory
Wednesday, May 1, 2002
Today's lunch here at home was very good, our dog caught an armadillo and my mother made a very nice lunch with armadillo, rice, beans and mayonnaise salad. Everyone liked her food, everyone is one way of saying, actually only the neighbors, my mother, my father, my brother and I had lunch here.
This is one of the disadvantages of living in the middle of a forest, we lose contact with people. The few residents who live here, five families to be exact, are too busy with their daily affairs to visit their neighbors. I miss people, I miss being in a crowd listening to screams, conversations, whatever, but let it be the noise of people.
Living in the forest has its advantages, we can bathe in the river, eat meat whenever we want. My father always says that living in a city is difficult, because everything is bought. He told me that even the water we use, we need to pay for. Not here, we have as much water as we want in the river. However, his argument doesn't convince me, I live immersed in these little notebooks that I got from my grandmother, when I told her I wanted to be a writer. And I keep writing, I don't know who. If that's anything to go by, writing calms me down. I feel like only the notebook understands me.
The school I attend is in another town, I'm in the 8th grade and I'm desperate, as this is the last year of study for those who live here. If someone wants to continue studying after that, they need to go live in the city, and my mother told me that she can't afford to keep me in the city just studying. I saved a little money, but I can't afford to spend even a week in the city, where everything has to be bought.
Jeez! I talked and talked and forgot to tell you what happened to Tiago, that story of my theory. One day after what happened, when he showed me his hair, he went to his grandmother's house and spent a week there. His grandfather was sick and he needed to go there to help take care of the old man. His luck is that his grandparents' farm is the same one where we went to school. So, I saw him every day of the week at school, but I didn't have the opportunity to put my experience into practice.
When his grandfather got better and Tiago came back, we continued working together. We went to get food in the fields for the animals and stuff. During one of these trips to the countryside, I decided to put my experience into practice, I wanted to prove, through him, that all boys, in their adolescence, felt attracted to other boys. And out of nowhere I told him that Thomaz had taken his father's shaver and shaved his cock. Tiago was horrified, because the hair around the cock was what defined how much of a man you would become.
I continued, and told him I was thinking about shaving mine too. He laughed and told me that I didn't have hair on my cock. I told him I had it and he said I didn't have it, we discussed it for a few minutes, until he challenged me:
- show! - told me.
- Yes, I'll show you - I replied.
I dropped my pants in front of him and saw him surprised by the amount of hair I had. I've always been very hairy, and the hair that appeared on me when I was 12 years old had been on me since I was 11 years old.
- Woo! - he asked, looking fixedly at the hair that covered my cock. But for my theory to be proven, I needed to see him naked and notice his excitement in front of me. I then asked him to show his, he resisted. I was very hairy, I had hair all over my body and I even shaved, as I was embarrassed by the small hairs on my face. He didn't have much tendency to be hairy, he was white and very smooth. And I've always noticed that straight white men get old without hair on their faces, arms and legs.
And while he looked at my hair and said things like: - you can get a woman pregnant now - or - if you want, you can even get married. Really, for Tiago, everything was related to the amount of hair on his dick. And while he talked about his beliefs and the power of dick hair, I found a way to make him get naked and thus prove my theory. I told him I didn't want to show my hair because I should have shaved it like Thomaz had done.
Tiago pulled down his pants without even responding to my accusation and showed the shy hair that grew parallel to his dick. I kept looking at his naked body to notice his dick getting hard, but nothing happened and I despaired. Embarrassed because I looked at him too much, Tiago asked me what had happened. All I could say was that he had as much hair as I did, that made him happy. I was left without action. He then got dressed and called me to continue working, I also got dressed and continued collecting corn and putting it in Tiracolo
.
My theory was discarded. I was different, I would definitely turn into a queer and wear women's clothes, and be the joke of society... Those thoughts tormented me, and I didn't know who to talk to. I had a million doubts and no one who could tell me about a single doubt, because I was too embarrassed to talk about it. I was even embarrassed to be in the presence of people, for me they saw what I thought and what I felt and when they looked at me they realized that I was excited by seeing naked boys. I felt very embarrassed.
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