Chương 5: Can I believe it’s true? [Rebecca’s POV](Part 1)
Nicolas started snoring two minutes after we said 'goodnight', but there is no way that I can fall asleep anytime soon! My mind is still racing from the conversation we just had.
Nicolas' personality did a complete 180! How much of his spiel should I believe? Was playing a trick on me? Did he plan to get my hopes up only so that they can be destroyed later? Or maybe he hoped my dream after 6 months would be something taboo that he could report to the authorities so that I would be punished… I need to be extra careful. Lets go over everything that happened starting from when Nicolas entered the bedroom so that I can order my thoughts.
First off, I tried my best to be sexy so that the first night could go smoothly. I felt really uncomfortable because of a combination of my lack of practical experience and Nicolas being the last person I would want to do that type of thing with. But it is my number one duty as a Duchess to bear an heir. The quicker I get pregnant, the quicker I won't have to personally deal with Nicolas anymore. My original plan was to get pregnant within a year and then move to my own wing of the mansion so I could minimize contact with Nicolas. But now maybe I can have my dream in only 6 months?
Luckily, he stopped me before anything really started and we instead had our conversation. The first words that came out of his mouth felt like a fever dream. He actually apologized to me for the way he embarrassed me at the wedding ceremony. Of course, I would have preferred it if he never embarrassed me in the first place. However, that is the first apology he has ever given me since the 12 years we were engaged…
The regret conveyed in his eyes made his apology feel truly sincere. He even reiterated his apology after I told him it was no big deal. The Nicolas I knew would always spin the narrative in such a way that he would convince himself he was in the right. What could have changed him so much?
After his apology, he claimed that he had changed and that his new long term goal was to have a loving marriage with me and only me. This left me baffled. It was the antithesis of the man that I have known for 12 years. I remembered the countless times in the past when he would tell me that I was too stubborn. That I was plain. That he would never hold any feelings for a woman like me.
By the time I was 15, I already knew that Nicolas would have countless women in the form of wives, concubines, and even prostitutions in the future. With this is mind, I gave up any dream of a fairy tale romance. Since there was no way to avoid this marriage, I lowered my standards. I decided even if I was one of many, as long as I was the first wife and shown the most love and respect in public I would be happy.
When I let Nicolas know my stance, he crushed even that small dream. He laughed in my face saying,
"How could I ever show love to you in public? You are so plain! I could never be seen together with a woman who doesn't wear makeup! I need a flashy woman by my side."
This impasse was where any chance of us having a good relationship was destroyed. I prided myself in being humble and hardworking in private. I hated the type of people that would come to balls decked out in flashy jewels and thick makeup just to get attention. Maybe I was too stubborn about my values when it ended up ruining my chance of a decent marriage, but it was something I could selfishly not back down from.
But tonight, on our wedding night, he said he wanted to love me and only me. How could I believe that? After so many years of disdain for my humble appearance. After reminding me over and over again he would rather die then get romantically involved with me.
If he was trying to make me believe he had changed, he should have made it more believable. How could he say he would love me and only me? Even the most faithful husband in the kingdom would have one or two concubines to sleep with while their wife was pregnant.
I once read in a book that there was a far away foreign kingdom near the sea where both men and women would only have one partner in life. To me, this was a type of fairy tale that was fun to day dream about but in reality it was something truly unattainable. However, what if he was being serious? Could I have someone all to myself? Without having to share with anyone? I shook my head before I went down a rabbit hole. Even if I could have such a miracle, I won't be happy if my partner was the Nicolas that I have known so far.
I was also asked if I had a type of man I liked. I had never once thought about it because I knew I had no choice anyways. On that note, if we were only going by looks I would have been considered lucky to have married Nicolas. He had short black hair and pitch black eyes. His black eyes gave him a mysterious aura, if only he never opened his arrogant mouth. He has a slim but muscular build from training as a Royal mage. There was a reason he had his pick of women on a nightly basis. Many girls would openly fawn at him whenever he would be walking anywhere public. Luckily, I was not the type to fall for looks alone. Even though I find him handsome, I could never have any feeling towards someone with such an awful personality.
Then, he revealed that he wanted to have 6 months to court me. That he would do everything in his power to shower me with love and affection. That he wanted to make me happy. It all felt too good to be true. I used to dream of being courted like my other friends had. They would come to our monthly tea parties with blushing faces and stories of how they were swept off their feet. I doubt Nicolas has any ability to be romantic like that.
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