Chương 18: Lurking Hopes
Troy always balked at the concept of "love at first sight" when it was nauseatingly perpetuated in the songs and movies he enjoyed growing up. He was much too rational to believe in such mystical forces. Love always felt so much weightier than something one could experience at a glance; it was a connection, emotion, understanding, patience. It should never be tossed out haphazardly, without adequate forethought and some semblance of sureness. All of that still feels true.
Theoretically, then, he should not believe in love at first sight. In recent years, however, something has started to bug him.
Whenever he analyze the process by which he'd come to experience strong feelings for someone — feelings that have or could have resulted in romantic love — he'd noticed the sequence always starts with a distinct flurry of inexplicable chemistry. His memory has captured these things.
At16, with his first crush, sharing witty banter at their desks, getting lost in his gray-blue eyes. At 21, with his first adult relationship, locking gazes across that crowded bar, slowly trading glances and sips of their drinks until he finally walked over to her. At 24, with his ex sex mate , a flutter of anger snapping to the surface at a difference of opinion, in such a heat wave of irrational attraction he couldn't stop recalling it for months.
These notable moments have forced him to acknowledge that those early, irrational, impulsive things might be the canaries in the coal mine of a complicated phenomenon. They prompt a rush of why-am-I-acting-this-way, WTF-am-I-feeling processes, that evades total comprehension by his brain's left hemisphere.
If not "love at first sight" (or "love within early days"), then he would have still felt something right away for Amber. The feelings he had when he picked Amber up in dirt and pool of blood is still something Troy couldn't understand or explain to himself till this day. Something strong, like he'd never loved before. Like a shot of tequila mixed with an internal car crash, strong, familiar emotions, long dormant in his chest, will leap, whirr, pulse or snake their way to the surface and…boom!.
"Please," Amber thought to herself, this man is so beautiful, how did I ever get so lucky? My eyes are misting up and I'm afraid he thinks I'm upset. These tears are happy tears, but how do I get him to be himself; to take what he needs from me if he thinks he's hurting me? Troy, I need you, all of you. I don't want you to hold back because you think I'm too fragile. I may have been, but you have brought me back a stronger, fiercer, loved woman. I want all you need to give me. I need to know I'm giving to you in return. That is how I will repay you for your kindness."
The look on his face tells her that she had said the wrong thing, but what? She thinks he is counting to ten to get his temper in check; like taking time out before scolding a petulant child.
God Dammit, Amber! This is not about a payment you feel you owe. I need you! I want you more than I wanted the newest Star Wars action figure when I was ten. I love you like I have never loved anyone. Even before I knew your name I knew you were mine. I didn't nurse you back to health for payment of some debt you think you owe. How many ways can I say it, Baby, you're it for me.
I don't need months of courtship or a long engagement to prepare for a lifetime commitment, Amber. I... Love... You! I want to grow old with you, have babies with you and spend the rest of my life trying to deserve you. Marry me? Those better be happy tears since I'm not taking no for an answer." Almost reverently she whispers,"
"Yes."
He fuses his mouth to hers and at the same time shoved deep. He swallows her screams as her body milks his for everything it's worth. He pumped his body twice more and follow her over into never-ending bliss. Troy hopes and pray that the more time he spend with Amber and he sated by her, that his endurance will last a little longer. He could barely control himself
Troy thought to himself: It's common thing to hear stories of people who claim to have experienced "love at first sight." There's a lot of appeal to the belief: It swirls together the swoon-worthy ideas of destiny, soul mates, true love, and "the one." But can you really fall in love with someone you've just met? And do those feelings really lead to a happy, healthy relationship?
Love at first sight isn't necessarily dangerous or unhealthy, and there are plenty of happy couples in healthy relationships who claim to have fallen in love at first sight. That said, because the feelings associated with love at first sight are usually more based on physical attraction and infatuation—as opposed to the enduring, committed care and intimacy that are hallmarks of lasting love—it's possible to get invested too quickly in a relationship that may not actually be healthy or with a partner who might not actually be compatible with them.
Early feelings of love don't necessarily mean two people are a good fit for each other,
The idea that 'love conquers all' is quite misleading," Having an initial sense of deep knowing and loving connection with another person can serve as a strong base, but healthy and happy couples are also compatible in their approach to daily life, use communication and conflict resolution skills to overcome inevitable challenges, and work hard to stay in tune with each other as they evolve.
Whether or not you want to call it love, Troy believes it's Ok to lean into those initial feelings of passion, desire, and connection in the early stages of a relationship. When we act on those initial feelings of connection and attraction, we can allow ourselves to develop the feelings of love.
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