Chương 24: AWAKEN
"Just my luck…" groaned Xiao Tian, standing up painfully, he immediately pulled off his body armour, checking his ranger green FROG suit underneath. Fortunately, the Kevlar armour and the ballistic plate inside stopped the pistol round, and Xiao Tian is unscathed.
"Good to know that my equipment is working at least…" he joked, behaving like a true professional, not giving a damn that he almost bit the dust.
Sean on the other hand is not calm at all. He stared at the unloaded magazine from his FN 5-7, finding live ammunition.
The realisation that he had just almost caused the death of a comrade due to his mistakes, and it would have been the SECOND time sent the crushing terror of guilt onto him, which finally broke his mental state that has been hanging on by a thread.
He ran away, not having the courage to face Xiao Tian.
"SEAN! It's ok!" yelled Xiao Tian as he chased after Sean.
Sean dashed into the men's washroom and locked himself into a stall. He slumped down in a corner, grabbing his face with his hands as he buried his face in them, bawling uncontrollably in self-hate and guilt.
"I really am a menace to my comrades…" he thought in between cries. The images of Freyja's head being blown open right in front of him replayed in his mind, followed by the angry fists from Maia and the majority of Squad Artemis plummeting on him afterwards, then followed by the cruel berating given to him by his fellow cadets for his screw ups.
Xiao Tian entered the washroom, tracing Sean's crying and stopped in front of his stall. He gently knocked the door.
"Sean, you there?" he asked.
"No…" muttered Sean in between sniffs.
Xiao Tian chuckled, remembering that Sean is barely an adult, and being among the younger ones of Squad Artemis, he is not surprised that Artemis 9 "Sean" is speaking in a childish manner.
"Look, really, it's alright," he comforted.
Sean is incredulous at how calm and chill Xiao Tian is at almost being killed.
"YOU ALMOST DIED!" Sean yelled; his voice croaked from crying.
"How is that your fault?" retorted Xiao Tian. "The chances of a FN 5-7 drop firing are like the chances of being struck by lightning when you are completely insulated!"
"Heck, I am going to write an email to FN! They really need to watch out their QC!" remarked Xiao Tian. "Really, Sean, it's not your fault, ok?" he comforted.
"Did you break any of the rules of firearm safety when the incident happened?" asked Xiao Tian. "I believe the answer is none…"
"Sir, please!" yelled Sean, interrupting Xiao Tian. "Don't try to make me feel better…I am not deserving…"
"If I hadn't loaded wrongly, if I hadn't dropped the gun from the recoil, your chances of being shot from drop firing will be zero!" said Sean, his voice croaked.
Xiao Tian sighed. "The reason why you are here is because you need help right…Well, technically I volunteered myself…but that's beyond the point!"
"Since you are here because you need help, I don't expect you to not screw up! While such an incident is out of my expectations the same logic applies!"
Xiao Tian knocked on the door again. "So, how about we continue? We still have 30 minutes before light's out!"
He pulled the door, gesturing for Sean to open.
Yet, Sean remained silent, having lost the energy to cry.
Not getting a reply, Xiao Tian asked again.
"Sir," muttered Sean, his voice raspy from crying. "Just…leave…me…alone…please…"
"It's just…that…I…"
"I…don't want…to lose…any…more…comrades…because of me…"
Xiao Tian laughed incredulously, feeling as if his IQ has been spat on.
"So, what now, are you just going to give up?" he asked.
"Is this what Freyja will want?!" he asked, squatting down and raising his volume. "Is this what Aya will want?! Is this what Frederica, Nanami and Vasily will want? To see their comrade. No, sibling gone again?"
"Is this what Phineas will want? To see you continue lying to yourself and revert back to the hippie that lives on E-cigarettes?"
"Is this what your new friends, the so called "gang of 6" want? To see you quitting when they are trying their best to help you move forward as a team?"
"It's better for them anyways…" replied Sean.
Xiao Tian sighed.
"You think you are being selfless, but in fact you are being selfish!" scolded Xiao Tian, "What, you think all of us are cold machines? We are LIVING PEOPLE!'
"We have feelings, we treasure our relationships, we have faith in you, we want to see you succeed," he said.
"It will be the cruel to us to see you taking the faith and hope we have in you, crumple it and throwing it into the trash can, just because of your own self-hate! Because you didn't even get defeated, you have not been washed out, but yet you choose to quit!"
"If Freyja is watching over you, I don't think she wants to see you like this. Artemis 9, Sean, the happy fruit of her "family" being the mess you are now!"
"Remember our talk? Don't become your persona?" asked Xiao Tian.
"I know for a fact that you care. You want to be back, you want to mend things, you want to advance together with your new friends! This is why you have persevered on up to now. The Sean that I saw at Tokyo? That's just a persona trying to cut himself off from his past, a walking lie pretending that "all's good, man"."
Sean looked down, knowing that Xiao Tian is right.
"So please, awaken. Come back from your act to the real you and stop lying to yourself."
Sean remained silent, slowly absorbing Xiao Tian's words.
"It's hard, I know," he said, sitting down outside the stall. "I have lost many comrades too."
Sean is both surprised and not, surprised that Xiao Tian mentioned more personal things, not surprised given Xiao Tian's long service time, hence likely seeing a lot of deaths.
"But our screw ups are why we learn, right?" he asked rhetorically in a more calmed tone now. "We remember our mistakes and mend them, but we don't let it define us. Keep her death close to you, but don't let it plague you. Wallowing in your history and self-hate is only going to cause more suffering, why not think with an open heart, understand how to avoid it— and move on."
"Remember, Sean, you are Artemis 9, one of Earth's best," he said, further encouraging him. "You have a duty to fulfill, remember our oath? The last line?"
"I vow to devote my life for the glory of mankind. Save the last bullet for me," said Sean softly.
"Yup," replied Xiao Tian. "You want to do that right? Paradise is behind us soldiers while hell is in front of us. Our job is to use our bodies to block and stop hell from encroaching into paradise, so that it remains one."
Sean thought of his former co-workers in Hokkaido, the civilians in Kiev, and the time he threw himself at a live grenade to shield children in Rangoon.
Organising his thoughts, he opened the door. He looked around, for a moment he thought he saw Freyja smiling and waving at him, as if affirming him for taking the first step in stepping out of his trauma and truly making an attempt at recovery. He smiled back at her as she "disappeared".
He readied his gear and saluted Xiao Tian. Xiao Tian laughed, from both delight and amusement at Sean's puffy eyes, spreading his laughter to Sean too.
"16 minutes left, let's hurry!" said Xiao Tian, the 2 returning back to the range, finding to their surprise that Maia is there, arms folded and staring at them.
She darted to the bullet hole on Xiao Tian's body armour, then she glared at Sean.
"Can you screw up screwing up?" she sneered.
"Shut up," retorted Xiao Tian as he handed Sean a fresh rifle magazine. Sean took a prone position, aiming down the 300m range.
Sean loaded the magazine and disengaged the safety of his SCAR-H rifle. Xiao Tian pressed the start button, and soon targets started randomly popping up.
Just as Sean is going to fire, Maia threatened him.
"If you dare to pull that trigger, I will beat you up, how many more people do you want to harm? 3 times' the charm?"
Sean bit his lips, moving his finger away from the trigger.
"If she lays a finger on you, I authorise you to beat her up," said Xiao Tian. "There are only the 3 of us here, testimony wise it's 2 against 1," he joked.
"So, shoot, Sean, shoot!" encouraged Xiao Tian.
Sean breathed, adjusting his breathing and slowing his heart rate, opening fire at the targets that appear, hitting them accurately, his hands, while still shaky, is no longer butchering his shots severely. All of his shots landed on target.
The crisp sounds of a bullet fired, hitting the target and the spent casing being ejected out of the chamber resonated, forming a steady tempo and beat. It echoed Sean's state of mind, taking firm and orderly steps towards his new future.
His persona is silenced.
Artemis 9 has awakened.
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