Chương 8: Eight
Lucas walked into the mostly empty park, hands shoved deep in his pockets and he immediately spotted a familiar petite male standing by the waterfall. Lucas hadn't talked to Noah for a whole year so he wasn't exactly sure what he was supposed to say. But he had to do it. He had a showcase to win. He was going to listen to whatever the hell Noah had to say and then he was going to leave. Simple, right?
He walked towards the other male and stood beside him wordlessly. Noah almost jumped back in shock when he saw him.
"W-What are you doing here?" He asked, slightly in shock. He was supposed to be meeting up with Elijah.
"I'm here to listen to whatever you have to say," Lucas replied, voice gruff and emotionless.
"What?" Noah had a confused expression on his face.
"I'm guessing Elijah didn't tell you," Lucas sighed, "That's besides the point anyway. If you have something to say to me, now's your chance. You may not get it again."
Noah took a minute to calculate the situation before it all clicked. Elijah. "Oh."
He turned to stare at the waterfall wordlessly. Silence engulfed them for a few awkward minutes before Lucas finally spoke up.
"I don't have all day, you know."
Noah was still silent. With a roll of his eyes, the other male began to walk away, "Never let it be said I didn't try."
"I've missed you."
Lucas halted his steps, shoulders stiffening but he didn't turn around, wondering if he heard right.
"I miss being your friend. I miss being your partner," He paused, "But I guess it was great while it lasted. I hope you have a great life, Lucas. I really hope all your dreams come true."
Lucas felt like a cotton ball was stuck in his throat and he didn't even know why. He turned around and finally locked eyes with the shorter male. "Is this all an act? To make me feel sorry for you?"
Noah's eyes didn't change, "No. I'm speaking the truth-"
"Like hell you are! I fucking ruined your life! I made everyone turn their backs on you. I was the reason you were getting fucking beat up every day. You're supposed to despise me. Hate me with every fiber of your being. And here you are, telling me you hope all my dreams come true? What kind of sick fucking joke is this?!" Before he realized it, he was yelling at the other. Noah slightly winced but stood his ground.
"It's not an act," He said softly, "And my friends never walked out on me... They were ready to stand up for me but I was the one that pushed them away. And yes, maybe you did ruin my life, Lucas. But I never hated you. I never blamed you... I still loved you." He whispered the last part.
"Shut up shut up SHUT UP!" Lucas walked back towards the other with heavy steps and fisted the front of his shirt harshly, "Stop fucking lying. Stop pretending to be a fucking angel!"
Lucas's angry eyes were burning into the shorter male but they gradually softened once they took in his appearance. Noah had his hands tightly clenched around Lucas's wrists and his eyes were shut closed, as if preparing to get hit, a tear ever so slowly running down his cheek.
And that was when he realized something. Noah could fight. He wasn’t weak.
Yet he never fought back. Not even once.
What... What am I doing?
He felt a thousand arrows being shot at his heart as he stared at Noah. He remembered that once smiling boy just a few years ago, the boy who everyone liked and adored, the boy who respected everyone and would never hurt a fly, the boy that was once his best friend. The same boy who was in his hands right now, just one breath away from getting hit.
Again.
The boy whose life he absolutely, completely, and irreversibly ruined.
Why was he feeling so guilty all of a sudden? Why when he didn't even bat an eyelash before fucking his life up just a year ago?
"You're the one with the disease."
He let go of Noah's shirt and stepped back, running a hand through his hair as the other's hands loosened around his wrists and dropped down to his sides. Noah didn't dare lift his head up but he didn't have to look up to see that Lucas was leaving, walking away. He didn't even know whether he should've been disappointed or relieved.
What the actual fuck is wrong with me?
Lucas's head was a mess right now. Noah's face kept flashing in his mind. He didn't even know what to think of anymore.
Am I really feeling sympathy for this fag?
Lucas ended up at home in a similar condition as the day before, if not worse. He felt like his head was going to explode from all the thoughts going through it. He didn't want to leave this matter hanging- no. He needed closure. And he knew just the person he needed to talk to.
"Mom!"
Lucas roamed the halls searching for his mother, before knocking at her bedroom door, "Mom, are you there?"
"Yeah Lucas, come in."
When he walked in, he saw his mother standing in front of her mirror, rubbing some anti-aging cream on to her face.
"What's wrong?" She asked gently, taking in the distressed look on his face.
"Mom... Is being gay wrong?"
She slightly widened her eyes at the question, "A-Are you...?"
"No! I'm not!" He stammered almost indignantly, "It's just... Is it wrong?"
Her eyes softened, "What makes you think so?"
"I... It's because..." he shifted his feet, looking down uncomfortably.
"Lucas," She sighed, "Why are you asking me this?"
"Should I be hating gay people?"
His mother stood silently for a while, just watching her son, before sighing again. "Lucas come here."
He stepped closer to his mother and she smiled at him before abruptly smacking the back of his head with her palm.
"Ouch! What was that for?!" He whined, pouting.
"Is this what I taught you, you idiot? I taught you to be kind to others, regardless of what their age, gender or sexuality is. Love and respect everyone because we’re all equal."
"But... after what father did..."
"So this is what this is all about, huh? Oh dear." His mother rolled his eyes, walked to the bed and motioned for him to sit next to her. He silently took a seat next to his mother on the bed and stared down at his hands.
"Lucas-ah... What happened between your father and I has nothing to do with you or the rest of the world. We were bound to split up some day, anyway," She said softly, "Our marriage was arranged. There was no love between us at all."
"But I saw how devastated you were after he left with that man, mom."
"Of course I would be. After all there was you, and there was all the years we spent together. But maybe it was partly my fault too. I never showed him any love. After a while I came to realize that even though it was wrong of him to cheat on me with another man, it wasn't entirely his fault either. And I had already forgiven him. So you have to forgive him, too"
"I... I can't." Lucas muttered, staring down at his clenched fists.
"Yes you can. I could, so you can. You'll be surprised how big one's heart can be," She lightly tapped the left side of his chest. "And just because of what your father did, it doesn't give you the right to hate all the gay people in the world. In the end they're still human. They have a beating heart and they have feelings. And I believe that love can overcome all that is moral in your eyes. So to answer your question, no, it is not wrong. It is never wrong to be able to choose who you love regardless of gender."
"... You really think so?"
"I know so." His mother smiled at him.
He looked up into his mother's eyes, "If that's the case then.. I think I really messed up. I messed up so bad."
"Aw my stupid son," She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him to her chest affectionately, running her hands through his brown locks, "It's never too late to fix what you've done."
"I don't know if the damage I've done will ever be redeemed."
"Well then, in that case, it's never too late to try."
This time it was Lucas who was waiting for Elijah in the practice room. The blonde came in after ten minutes, glaring at Lucas.
"What did you do?"
"What?" Lucas blinked.
"Noah hasn't been answering any of my calls all day yesterday. I checked for him at his apartment but he wasn't there either. He didn't even come to school today. I swear to God Lucas, if something happened to him, I'm gonna have your head." The blonde looked absolutely furious and concerned for his friend. It looked like he hadn't slept all night.
He would have denied it but he knew it was probably his fault anyway. A sense of panic overcame him. What if something happened to Noah? He knew it would be his fault. He would never forgive himself for it. He tried to rack his brain for all the possible places Noah could be. Where did he go when he was feeling down?
That's it!
"Answer me, Godammit!"
"I think I might know where he is," Lucas was already rushing out of the room before Elijah could even comprehend what was happening. He ran as fast as he could down the stairs and towards his car, wasting no time in revving the engine up and driving frantically to his destination. Knowing Noah, he knew he'd be at the bar where he usually drowned himself in alcohol whenever he was out of it. It was about a ten minute drive, and as soon as Lucas arrived in front of the familiar building, he practically ran out of his car. The place was closed so there was no way Noah was inside. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he made his way to the back of the building.
"Noah?" He called out and as he half-expected, he saw a sleeping figure slumped against the wall on the ground right next to the back door of the club.
"Noah," He rushed over to his side and lightly slapped his cheek, trying to wake him up. The smaller boy simply stirred in his sleep but didn't wake up. Lucas carried him up in his arms and made his way back to the car, gently placing him in the back seat. When he arrived at the driver's seat, he saw that Elijah was calling him.
"Hello?"
"Where are you?"
"Don't worry. I found Noah."
"Is he alright? Can I talk to him?"
"He's asleep right now. I'll talk to you later, okay?"
"... Fine. You better not hurt him."
Lucas glanced at Noah sleeping through the review mirror.
"Never again."
About twenty minutes later, Noah stirred in his sleep and scrunched his face up in pain. Lucas knew he must have been really hung over. He watched as Noah slowly opened his eyes and shot up when he realized where he was.
"Shit did I get kidnapped or something?" He murmured to himself.
"No but you could have if I didn't come find you."
Noah's head instantly shot to the direction of the voice and he widened his eyes.
"Lucas?"
"In the flesh," He sighed as he pulled up in front of Noah's apartment complex. "You've been drinking."
Noah was still recovering from the initial shock and didn't reply.
"What happened?" He finally managed to let out.
"You probably drank a little too much last night and I found you outside the bar a little while ago. Are you feeling alright?"
Noah blinked before flopping down on the seat again, "Yup. I must be dreaming."
Lucas chuckled, "No you're not." He stepped out of the car before opening the door to the back seat. "Come on. I'll help you up to your apartment."
Noah looked at him incredulously but stepped out of the car anyway, slightly losing balance. He probably would have fallen if it weren't for Lucas holding him steady. The two walked into the building wordlessly and stopped in front of the elevator.
"I can go by myself from here. Thanks." Noah said softly, staring down at the floor. His head was throbbing and the fact that Lucas was there wasn't helping.
"Wait..." Lucas grabbed his arm to stop him from going into the lift, "Look... I'm sorry about yesterday. And I'm sorry for everything I've done to you. Please... Please forgive me. I was stupid and unreasonable and I had no right to do what I did. I'm so sorry, Noah. I know it'll never make up for everything I made you go through but I'll keep saying it... Until you forgive me."
Noah was frozen in his spot. Lucas was here. He was real and he was apologizing. He stared at him for a long moment, eyes wide in disbelief and shock.
"I... I've already forgiven you long ago. I've never been mad at you in the first place."
"You're too kind for your own good, Noah. You have every right to hate me with everything in you... And I would understand."
"And yet..." Noah sighed, "Don't apologize anymore. I forgive you."
Lucas couldn't help himself and hugged the smaller male, taking him by surprise. Just like he did whenever they won a competition together. It brought back a lot of memories and Lucas desperately wanted to take it all back, rewind the clock and never do any of the things he did to Noah. But what's been done has been done.
"Promise me something," Lucas said when he pulled away from the hug, "Don't ever let anyone do what I did to you ever again... And if they do, make sure they pay for it."
Noah smiled, a genuine smile. He finally felt at ease now. "I promise."
"So I'm guessing you guys made up." Elijah finally spoke up. After dropping Noah off at his house, Lucas texted Elijah and told him to meet up by the beach. They were sitting on the sand silently, not really caring much about their clothes getting dirty. The only sounds heard were those of the seagulls and waves crashing against the shore.
"I guess... Well, I apologized to him."
"Why'd you change your mind all of a sudden? Just a day ago you couldn't bear to even say his name."
Lucas stared down at his hands, "Maybe it was your words. Or his. Or mom's. Or maybe a little bit of all three." He chuckled humorlessly, "I've been an asshole, huh?"
"Yes you have."
"You know why I couldn't stand gay people so much?" Lucas looked into Elijah's dark eyes. "Four years ago mom found out that dad was cheating on her... with a man. They got divorced and I saw my mother's condition. She was absolutely devastated. Ever since then I just despised gay people. And now when I think back to those days, I realize how stupid I've been. This is why Noah was so understanding about the situation, even though I didn't deserve it. And now he's leaving so I don't even get the chance to make it up to him properly," Lucas shut his eyes and clenched his fists, chanting over and over in his head how stupid he was.
"I'm really sorry about what happened with your father but... that was really unreasonable of you, Lucas. You understand now, and that's all that matters," Elijah paused before adding, "I'm not gonna apologize to you for what I said the other day, though."
"That's okay. I think I deserved it anyway."
They sat in silence for a while, just listening to the calming sounds of nature, before Lucas broke the silence again.
"Hey Eli?"
"Hm?"
"I'm thinking of maybe throwing Noah a party after the showcase. And since you guys are close now, I could use your help. I'll invite all our friends and make it a surprise for him. What do you think?"
"Not that bad of an idea." Elijah nodded, "Okay, I'll help you out. As for now though, we might wanna go get our dance costumes. The showcase is in three days."
"Yeah," Lucas sighed, "But let's just stay here for a while. This... is nice."
"It is," Elijah agreed. He looked to the side to see that Lucas was lying down on the sand.
"You're gonna get sand all over your hair."
"Yolo, right?" Lucas replied, eyes closed but a small smile on his lips.
"Are we still saying that?" Elijah lifted an eyebrow amusedly.
"Who cares? I'm Lucas Kim, I can make anything sound cool."
"You're so full of yourself," Elijah shook his head in disbelief.
"By the way... Yesterday, at the rooftop... you told me I wouldn't see your face again after the showcase."
"Yeah? And?"
"I... I don't want that. I was hoping we could make this partnership thing a little more... permanent?"
Elijah was slightly taken aback at that.
"I think I agree with what Mr. Lee said. We go well together." Lucas added. "And well, you're not that bad of a guy, I guess."
The blonde quirked a brow, "Was that a compliment?"
"Take it or leave it," Lucas huffed, making Elijah chuckle and lie down on the sand next to the other male.
"I guess I could say I don't feel like punching you when I see your face anymore so that's a step forward."
"You know, that's the first time you say something mildly nice to me," Lucas was slightly in awe, "I'll take that as a compliment. Partners?"
"Okay, Lucas Kim," Elijah chuckled, "Partners."
For once, it felt like the barrier between them had fully dissolved. It wasn't as awkward anymore. No, maybe they could come to actually find comfort in each other's company as they did now.
Maybe they could even be friends.
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