Prologue
I'm old now. I'm slowly nearing my end. Which is why I decided to write about what I did in my life, thought, to do so i'll need to speak about my previous life. You see, it all began with a disappointing life.
I was born in France in the summer of the year 1991. My father is a Gendarme, it's a kind of police in France, it's just that they don't work in the same places. Policemen is mainly found in the Cities while Gendarmes are more present in the villages and remote area, but you can still find them in some big cities too. My mother is a housewife, well that's what they were doing at the time. I have three sisters the eldest is 2 years younger, the middle one is 10 years younger and the last is 18 years younger. There is also one that was stillborn after the last.
And so my name is Charles Dupond, i went to school like every kids since it's an obligation by law. My first time suffering bullying was when i was 6 years old, at the time i was naive and lost all my marbles to another kid. He came to me, who had only shortly arrived in the village because of my dad works (Gendarme move every 5 years usually, sometime more and often less). And this kid came all friendly to a loner like me who had lost all my previous acquaintances, i made for an easy target and after he told me to bring marbles so we could play together, he cheated all my marbles out of me. They were not merely marbles to me they were from my mom, she played with them when she was little and there were not just one or two but a dozens or two. I was angry, it was my first time encountering malice. He stole the precious marbles of my mom. And when i went to the teacher, that brutish idiot told me off and gave reason to the other kid. Thinking back to it, it was my first time losing trust in an adult as a child. That's the starting point of me being bullied for two decades.My dad words that he always was saying is never do something to someone else if you wouldn't like having it done to yourself. That's the basis to live together in society. As a 6 years old i suffered from it because i couldn't retaliate when i was taken advantage of. And it continued for years.
At 8 years old my parents made me do an official IQ test because i was bored in class and kept reading the dictionary. As a result, it was proven that i had above average IQ, 100 being average and i did 120 or something. Well, years later i'm still disgusted at something like intelligence being put in numbers, or comparing it to others. End result my IQ was good enough for me to jump grade, so i was 1 year younger than everyone else at the very least (some people repeat even in grade school). I got bullied again, this time around they excluded me of everything they could, like playing soccer together and more. They were verbally picking on me. It was a bad year that i spent without a single friend because the one from the previous class were jealous that i jumped a grade and the one of my current grade were feeling bad being compared to someone younger achieving better.
The next year was better as i entered middle school and was separated from them. I had a hard time trusting people already but i did manage to make a few friends, even went to a birthday celebration of one of them. The next year was harder.
I wasn't in the same class as my friends and as i already said i have issue with trusting people which make me socially awkward. I did manage to open up to people of the class but nowhere near the previous year. The bad part is that my dear friends of the previous year ended up in the same class as the guys that bullied me from grade school. I ended up avoiding them and ressenting them for befriending those cruel people. Once again my trust in people got a hit.
I moved away again because of dad works. My second sister was born just before we moved away.
I arrived in a school were students pastime is to fight, insult, spit on peoples faces and try to fuck as many girls as you can when you are not smoking tobacco or trying drugs. And some did like to customize their scooters. I was totally ganged up and spent two years in suffering, well physically i wasn't hurt, safe for the time one of them used his lighter to burn my hair.
No, most of it was being spit in the face, insulted for being the son of a Gendarme, encircling me to have fun putting pressure on me and destroying my furniture or stealing them.
When i finished middle school, i was only wanting to be far away from every damn person.
My first year of highschool went well, most of the people that were doing bullying, harassment and shaddy thing didn't get enough at the end exam. And the one who did weren't in my class so i managed to have one year to breathe. I went for scientific option the nest year in highschool. I don't know how it works in other countries but we get to choose between different option based of how well we do in the differents subjects starting the second year of highschool. I was doing well in Math, Chemistry and Biology, so so in English, Spanish, History/Geography and PE, and bad in French and Civism.
It was the first time i cursed fate in my heart. There were 2 classes for the Science option, 30 students by class, not the same teachers but the same subjects. And i ended up in the class that had the bullies. You can feel all the apprehension i had before the first day even started. Nothing bad happened, they were too occupied to discuss of which girl was still virgin and who wanted to go for a smoke after the first day.
Second day the same.
First week the same.
And then we got to choosing the class representative. And they forced me as no one wanted to do it they planned it and every damn vote was for me. Well i can handle if it's just going to some meetings with the teachers or the like i guess. What was bad is that our homeroom teacher discovered that i had jumped a grade because he needed to access my data to make me the class rep. And he decided that i would repeat this year because he thought that having higher IQ wasn't a reason to jump grade. If it was only one person… Our Math teacher was his sister, her husband the Civism teacher and he our homeroom and Chemistry teacher.
That year i discovered a different kind of hell. A hell were the teachers grades you 0 without looking at the copy and you have to keep smiling while they tell you that you are the worst of the class again and again and again. The bullies, safe for forcing me to be class rep, ignored me, the entire class was doing its best to be the farthest from me. And that family of teachers kept on humiliating me.
I felt like killing myself so many times. I also felt like killing this family of "teachers".
But i never retaliated. My dad teaching kept me firm in the belief that i was right. So why does it hurt so much ?
We moved away, this time my parents bought a small piece of land in some remote village. They had a house built and we lived here, my dad was forced to have a second house (Gendarme are provided houses for functional purpose) at his casernement. He was doing the travel every now and then, especially the week-end.
I was repeating my second year of highschool in a different school. I had an extremely hard time socializing with my classmates. But i finally manage to have a good relationship with them.
My third sister was born during my last year of highschool.
The third year of highschool began with some fear and apprehension on my part as i got separated from all my previous classmates, literally annihilating all my hard work to get a "normal" relationship. Well, i managed to do it last year so i succeeded in having a "normal" relationship.
But what is this "normal" relationship i'm talking about ? That's being close enough to know their names and their hobbies, far enough that they can't grow too close in order to avoid being hurt again and also far enough that they will likely not remember you in a few years and i won't either.
At the time i graduated, i choose to go for Medicine and become a doctor. Why ? Because the subject i'm good at are the main ones i'd have to study in Medicine and that's what the teachers pointed to me. As can be expected, it didn't go well at all. There are lots of reasons, first time living alone and far from the family, the students are extremely competitive as there is a quota per year and they only take in the best. Foreigner are also competing with french and not only do they take some spots but after they graduates, they go back to their countries. And we end up with a deficit of doctors…
Well, the atmosphere for studying is the worst, you need to go to cram school, forgo sleep and when the year ends you're like a zombie. It was also during those years that i lost my stillborn little sister Amelie. I did a depression. I was alone and it took me a few months before i crawled back up.
In the end i tried 2 times. Didn't pass.
For the third year i went to a sport college. Some of the subjects from Medicine are also studied there so i thought why not. And i crashed down again.
I was beginning to think that "family of teachers" were right. I'm scum, an idiot beyond hope and i began to really lose faith in myself. Not only distrusting people but even myself. How laughable…
I got a harsh scolding by my mom at home. She doesn't get it, the words didn't mean anything to me but seeing her cry over this scum like idiot helped me stand up a bit.
I took whatever money i had spared and registered for a computer course. Incidentally, in the same town where my father works. I lived with him, during those 2 years. Well, not totally as he got sent to Afghanistan to teach the Gendarmeries methods to the native police forces.
I managed to get the diploma. I went to the bank to get a loan and studied 3 more years, i finally got myself a Master in IT and work now as a Cybersecurity Administrator. That sound corny, like doing pentest for companies would be awesome but that's not what i do at all. I'm administering the firewall, proxy, antivirus servers and keeping everything up to date.
Well, i died. Not some truck, saving people while dying or anything of the like. I got a cancer and it was too late when i realised it. Not every people with cancer is an old man unfortunately. I'm not even 30. Just a few months and i could jokingly call myself a mage or wizard as the rumor says.
No other way after all, i don't have confidence to find anything attractive about myself thanks to my very low self esteem. And how i am supposed to approach someone when i have an extremely hard time just speaking with colleagues.
Well i died with plenty of regret.
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