Chương 25: Confession (1)
(After the events of episode 23)
Robbie's POV
I guess I overestimated myself. Although I thought I could make it up to Tony, his words made me realize that eight years of pain couldn't be resolved in eight days. Tony's remarks were on my mind after meeting him and my son. He has such a deep wound in his heart as a result of my cowardice, selfishness, and arrogance. Despite telling him I would meet with him again, I had no idea how to confront him. It makes me mad to think that I failed to respect his wishes, or to consider his consent, or to know that he saw me as his family....!
I felt like hitting myself! What the hell was I thinking?? I wanted to scream but ended up hitting the car's steering wheel, unintentionally. I was behind the wheels today. I didn't bring my chauffeur with me last night. I wanted to keep Tony and my son's identity a secret till I was sure I can give them a secure life. The last thing I wanted was my dad to find out about them before I could get away from him. Considering how things have turned out, I don't even know if I have the right to say that I will make it up to him. They are my family and even if Tony hates me, I don't want to see him or Twen suffering because of me again. I couldn't provide them a good life, but I can at least give them some support.
I came back to my room, feeling a little dizzy. My head was still filled with what Tony had said. I lied down on my bed covering my face with my hands. Just a few words from me turned his whole life upside down and our relationship....haahh!! My naivete had me thinking that an apology could undo years of misery.
I was so engrossed in my self-reflection that I didn't hear the knock on my door or the sound of it opening. It wasn't until I felt someone patting my leg that I became aware of someone in my room. I got up with a jolt,
"Who?"
and got face to face with my mom. She was looking at me with concerned grey eyes. Her jet black curly hair falling over her pale face. I heard many people say, I looked like her. Now that I see the resemblance between me and my son, I can see what others meant. She put her hands on both my cheeks and said in a worried tone,
"Dear, what happened? You don't look well. Do you have a fever? Should I call Doctor Foster?"
Unlike my dad, my mom was caring and understanding. Still, I did not have the courage to confess anything to her especially since I was way closer to her than I had ever been to dad. This made it even harder to open up to her. She knew me and understood me on a deeper level. Though she was very busy with her work, she still somehow made time for me, whether during my birthday, important events in my school or college, my passing to the next grade, my convocation, my sports day; she would always make sure she is there for me.
I turned my head towards the full-size mirror beside my bed and saw that I was sweating a bit. My face had an unhealthy color. My eyes were slightly swollen and red. I looked like a mess. No wonder mum thought I was sick. I held her hand and said in a throaty voice,
"It's nothing mum. I am just a little stressed!"
"Take some rest, dear. I will send for Dr. Foster. Work must be very stressful! Should I speak with your dad about-"
"Mum," I interrupted her and pulled her to sit beside me, "You don't need to call Uncle Foster or speak with dad. I am not sick and it is not work that's stressing me out. You know well that I can handle it. It's just.." I said looking away from her eyes which still looked very anxious.
Should I confess? Will she be disappointed in me? Will she be ashamed of my cowardice and selfishness?
Mum quietly waited for me to speak but I just didn't know where to start. She patted my head softly, before shocking me with her words,
"Is it the same issue from your college days?"
My eyes widen. Did she know? I stammered,
"Wh-What?!!"
She gave me a knowing smile and said politely,
"You haven't exactly been the ideal son during your college days. I was aware of all your frivolities. I had wanted to stop you but you rarely stayed home for me to speak. It was obvious that something happened that had changed you so dramatically. Would you tell me what exactly happened?"
My heart was beating painfully in my chest. Of course, those stupid things I did. How could I have thought she wouldn't notice? I wanted to bury myself in shame. We both remained sitting quietly. I can't bring myself to say anything. However, she did not push me, and calmly said,
"It's okay, sweetheart. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to but I wish you would share it with someone. I can see that it has been eating you up from inside"
I always felt wary of her insight. It was like she already knew what was going on inside my head. I saw her getting up to leave. Seeing this re-awakened me. For how long will I keep this a secret? How long am I going to act like a coward? After everything Tony told me, am I still going submit to my fear…
"MOM"
I called her holding her hand. Mom looked back at me, blinking blankly. I want to tell her everything but how do I start? My lips trembled as I stuttered,
"Hav-Have you ever made a mistake? A mistake that you cannot amend?"
Mom tilted her head slightly before sitting back and answering thoughtfully,
"I have made many mistakes in my life and many that I regret. Whether it can be amended or not, depends"
"I made a mistake and I don't know how to amend it. When I tried to amend that one mistake, I ended up making many more" I mumbled
"What mistake did you make?" she asked in a neutral tone.
"I-I" I buried my face in my palm, unable to speak.
How do I even begin to explain that I got Tony pregnant and then left him?"
No matter how I phrase it, it is still going to sound like an excuse.
"Was it intentional?" my mom asked, looking at me seriously.
"I d-did not want to. I-I was scared and did not want to face the situation" I felt choked to utter just those few words.
"Listen, darling. No one is perfect in this world and everyone makes mistakes. But there is a difference between mistakes made to hurt someone and mistakes made out of fear. Intentional mistakes are not regretted. It may evoke guilt but not remorse"
Her words made me raise my head to see her gentle and beautiful face. She was in her fifties but she hardly look it. She was a popular jewelry designer who came out with her own brand 'Coruscent'. Her works were world-renowned and she even receives exclusive orders from many high-profile customers. Recently, she was attending one such order, and hence, I didn't see her for over a month. I did not even realize how much I longed to see her. She was the only one who could make me feel warm even when I am down in the dumps.
"I can tell from your anxious state that you did whatever you did unintentionally."
"Intentional or not, I lost him anyway, mom."
"Him?"
"Yeah, the one person who accepted me for me and not for my status as 'Walker family heir' or because I was an 'Elite' or because I was 'part of an aristocrat'. He was the only one who loved me with all my faults and I-I lost him"
Whatever Tony told me yesterday and today, it was clear that I might never be able to mend this relationship. I felt like crying but even my tears refuse to ease my pain.
My mum's eyes went round in worry. She put her hand on mine and asked in a soothing tone,
"What is his name?"
I whispered looking at her grey eyes, "Tony"
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