Chương 5: Chapter 4 Called me lucky
"Master William was here, yesterday." My dear mother said with a gentle smile. I did not wish to speak of him. I just sighed..
"What's wrong Nashe?"
"I want to go back home.." I immediately burst out crying. I had been holding it in for so long that being with my mother.. just made me show my vulnerability out in the open.
"It's not easy out here in the field, my child." She rubbing soft circles behind my back. I knew why she was happy for me... My two brothers had been sold off when they were only sixteen and we hadn't seen them in over eight years. That hurt my mother deeply, we had no communication with them.. infact we did not know if they were still with the living.
"I know but—"
"No but's, this is what's best for you. I had to serve Master William's father and it did me good. My husband was treated better and so were my kids. Well atleast a tad bit better.."
I was absolutely taken aback but then it all made sense how my mother had to spend the night else where and—
My brothers!
"Stephan and George were his kids weren't they?" I gasped my mother only nodded.
"Master William's father must know where they are then?"
"He was disgusted that's why he threw me out of the house and made me work in the field. He sold them because he never wanted to see them again..."
I felt absolutely stupefied, how did I never notice that my two older brothers were of fair skin and their hair was— my mom always made them cut it all off. I suppose she didn't want to draw attention towards them. Above all Master William's father seemed like the devil, I had never spoken to him but I heard of the things he did.. the gruesome beatings he gave, the torturous punishments..
"Did dad...?"
My mother nodded. My late father must have been bellowing in his grave.
"..he couldn't do anything about it. That's how it is.. if the Master wants you there is no way of going about it."
"Do you still see him..?"
"Who?" She questioned.
"Master Gallagher the 1st.."
"Occasionally.."
"Do you like it?" I questioned and this made her laugh. "Stop with the stupid questions dear."
I felt guilty.
"You said Master William was here yesterday?" I changed the subject.
"Yes, apparently rumor has it. He wants to permanently buy you off from his father."
There goes my life.
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing.. I just don't like being deceitful, I can't keep this up for the rest of my life like you have. I just always thought.. I had a better purpose.. this is all just a cycle." I paused for a bit. "Do you think God will ever forgive us for this infidelity?"
"If God exists.. my question is why would he give us a life like this?"
"Mother, please here you go again with your negative thoughts!"
"I feel they created a 'God' so we slaves could have something to live for especially when we need hope by our side. If that's not the case maybe this God is for white people."
I kept quiet. My mother had always been a very outspoken person. Ever since my father passed on it had just been the two of us and some other older slaves whom I referred to as uncle's, aunts and cousins even though we weren't related in the slightest bit. You find family in the people you see and converse with everyday.
"Has Master William asked you to go down on him?"
Did I mention my mother was a bit of a drinker? well I just did.
"What's that?"
"To put his... in your mouth.."
"Mother please that's disgusting."
"I'm your mother, you can talk to me about anything. I'm most overjoyed that we haven't been separated, it would have killed me if you were sold off far away up west.." The USA..
I hadn't thought of it that way. Obviously Master William's father ran an auction once every year and he would have likely sold me off even to an owner from another country.
"No.. he hasn't asked that of me and I pray he never does.."
"Is he rough with you?"
I shook my head.
"You're very lucky!" She gave me a small smile.
"Are those marks on your back from..."
She nodded.
"Why?!" I questioned yet again.
"I suppose that's how he has always liked it. For the other parts it was punishment.. after his wife found out and after I got pregnant."
Getting Pregnant.. my worst fear.
I gulped down a daunted feeling. I would never be able to see Master William's father the same. He sexually and physically abused my mother. What was I expecting? The first time, I met him.. he kicked me to the ground.
"As long as I don't look at him or touch him. On the most part.. he is somewhat gentle." I replied, at this point. I knew how good I had it or maybe it just hadn't come to the worst. I wasn't going to mention to my mother that he kissed me and that he allowed me to touch him. I wouldn't—
I was even more disgusted with myself and the things, he made me do. The things he made me feel. I was disgusted because when he didn't come, my core throbbed for his touch and for him to fill me up. I would never tell my mother this. I was ashamed and I hated myself for it. I walked home, it allowed me to think and just to be by myself. I was grateful that I was allowed to spend a bit of time with my mother every Sunday after church at the ranch. There was a pastor, Mr. Richardson. He was very nice, he wedded black people as well. At church the white would seat on their side and the slaves on their side. Slaves from other ranches, plantations would be able to meet and converse. Slave owners thought this was a good thing so their slaves could mate like animals and they would have an addition to their slaves which meant money. I was happy I had not seen Elliot, I wouldn't be able to face him knowing exactly what I went up to with my Master. I hated myself for it. I felt like the dirtiest harlot there is.
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