Chương 22: Like Sugar | Chapter Twenty-two
"I'm going to get another calculator," Darnell said, getting off his seat before walking around the table and giving Jared a kiss on the cheek. The two held hands for a bit until Darnell let go and left the living room for the hallway that led to the staircase. Jared smiled, only looking away when Darnell was out of sight. It was Sunday, and Jared was helping Darnell out with his Math. The older man nibbled on his bottom lip, picking up a pen from the dining table before twirling it as he tried to keep his thoughts in check. You could say he was having a hard time teaching Darnell hours on end with just shoulder squeezes, light kisses and brief touches here and there. On a normal day, he wouldn't have believed that he would be desperate to be over and done with, but here he was — filled with want and anxious.
He tapped his thighs as he bit down on his lips and waited for Darnell. The younger man was taking a while, and Jared wondered if he should call him back and just deal with the accounting calculator they had been using. His eyes scanned the dining table, and his gaze focused on the small book sitting next to Darnell's calculator under a piece of paper. Judging from the cursive writing that was peeking from under the sheet of paper, Jared guessed it was one of those many romance novels Darnell liked to read. His curiosity was piqued, and he reached out for it, bringing it up to his eyes.
He stared at the cover, his face flushing at the two almost naked people embracing each other. Jared couldn't figure out why Darnell liked stories like these. It wasn't that he had anything against romance — he was a big romantic himself. It was just that he couldn't relate to the people in them. They were all pretty, even when the characters themselves didn't believe that they were. Love stories like that were too perfect — too removed from his lived reality. As Jared let the base of his finger brush the paperback cover he started to wonder if once upon a time Darnell wanted to end up with someone as handsome as one of the men on the covers. A part of Jared told him that was a silly assumption, but another part felt that it was realistic. Darnell was very good looking, and it made sense that a good-looking person felt like they deserved someone equally as attractive.
"What are you looking at?" Darnell's voice scared Jared a bit and made him look up and instinctively drop the book. Darnell was now standing beside Jared's sit with a calculator in hand and a confused look on his face.
"S-sorry," Jared mumbled, running a hand through his hair before looking away from Darnell. Jared didn't know why he felt embarrassed. He wasn't sure why his heart was beating fast and in face felt so warm. What was he expecting Darnell to do? He didn't know.
"Were you reading this?" Darnell asked as Jared saw a hand come into his few before placing itself on the romance novel. Jared swallowed his spit, nodding as he heard a hum from Darnell.
"If you want to read it, I can give it to you when I'm done," Darnell said, picking up the book. Jared looked over at him, watching as the man flipped through the pages, probably wondering if Jared had messed with his bookmark. "I didn't know you read romance books too," he continued to say, pulling out the chair beside Jared before taking a seat.
"I don't," Jared said, making Darnell look up with a confused frown. "I was just... curious," Jared said, taking a while to figure out what to say. He balled his hands into fists, shrugging as Darnell shut the book in his hands before placing it on the dining table next to the new calculator hew brought down with him.
"Curious about what?" Darnell asked, deciding that Jared might be wanting to say something, but didn't know how to go about it.
Jared shrugged his shoulders, not wanting to say anything. He felt his thought process was silly, and it was ridiculous that he got anxious over the most minor things. Darnell says something nice about someone on T.V.? He's on edge. Darnell compliments Yves? He's on edge. And now he was feeling inferior because of a stock model on a pulp fiction cover.
"Come on," Darnell said, leaning forward. Jared could feel the younger man's breath fan his face as his hand moved to take a hold of Jared's hand. "Please talk to me." Jared felt guilty now. Darnell's voice was soft and stained with concern. Jared didn't want him to worry or make a fuss over his nonsense, but he couldn't help feeling the way he did. He wished he was a lot better at been reassured and confident.
"I'm just paranoid," Jared said in a low voice, and Darnell had to strain his hearing. "I'm paranoid," Jared repeated, and this time Darnell could hear him. The younger man took his hand away from Jared before moving from his seat to Jared's lap. He wrapped his hands around the man's shoulders, resting his head on the crook of Jared's neck.
"I don't know. Everywhere I look I see competition, and it stresses me out because I'm not good at competing. Practically any other man's better than me—" Jared paused talking, blinking when he felt his eyes burn. He wanted to say more, but he wasn't sure what he had already said would make Darnell look at him differently. He didn't want to be one of those paranoid boyfriends that set rules and boundaries. Jared didn't want that, but he was paranoid about the possibility of Darnell realizing he deserved and could get someone who was a million times better than him.
"And I get jealous all the time. I get jealous of Nathalie. I get jealous of Yves. I get jealous of all the people one million times better than me that flirt with you during your shows. I got jealous of the man on that cover," Jared groaned, taking in a deep breath. He waited for Darnell to say something back — anything. The younger man just clung to him, hugging him with a tight grip as they just sat there in the silence. Jared wondered what Darnell was thinking about. He probably thought Jared's thought process was annoying.
"They're not better than you," Darnell finally said, giving Jared a soft squeeze before leaning back a bit so that he could look at the man's face. Darnell had picked up that Jared had an inferiority complex. His hesitance to believe that Darnell was in love with him, and his hesitance to believe anything good about himself really. The young man just wished he could make Jared see how wonderful he was. He was kind, well mannered, smart and a long list of other things that Darnell loved about him.
Jared let out a dry laugh. He was laughing at himself. He was laughing because no matter how many times Darnell tried to reassure him that he was good enough he didn't believe that he was deep down. "I wish I believed that," he sighed as his eyes moved from Darnell's to settle on the man's chest. Darnell was wearing one of Jared's many loose shirts. It looked great on him. Anything looked great on him.
"I'm sorry," Jared muttered when Darnell didn't say anything. "I'm sure I'm making you uncomfortable," Jared added licking his lips. His eyes went wide when he felt Darnell's hands take a hold of his face, making him look straight into his dip brown eyes. They looked sad and desperate.
"It breaks my heart that you don't know how wonderful you are," Darnell said, his voice becoming shaky. "It hurts me a lot," he added, making Jared stare at him with wide eyes. "Please take my word for it; you're an amazing person, and I love you so much, okay?" Darnell added, watching as Jared's eyelids flickered as the man tried not to look at him.
"Please?" Darnell tried again, making Jared face him. The man eventually nodded, making Darnell smile before leaning in and giving him a peck.
"There's no one I would rather be with," he said, letting the base of his thumbs brush Jared's cheeks. Darnell didn't have much up his sleeve, but if he kept showing Jared how much he loved him he hoped the man would internalize the love with time. He pecked Jared on the lips again, and again, before settling on giving the man an open mouth his. They moaned into each other's mouths, kissing and sighing as their hands found their way on each other's bodies. Jared's hands travelled under Darnell's shirt, and the man let out pleased hums as Jared rubbed his thumbs over his nipples.
Because of the vocal encouragement, Jared pulled Darnell's shirt up, and the younger man obliged, raising his hands up to make the purpose of taking off his top easier. He was soon bare-chested and comfortably sitting on Jared's lap. The older man looked at him, drinking in his appearance. He leaned in, kissing the younger man's jaw and collarbone before pressing his lips against the man's nipple. He licked the hard bud, moving to suck on it after a while. Darnell brought his finger to his mouth, biting it in an attempt to keep his moans in. He let his free hand brush Jared's hair as he let himself enjoy the ripples of pleasure that rushed through him.
As always, he couldn't keep still and almost shuffled out of Jared laugh. The Older man laughed when he caught Darnell by his waist, watching as the flustered young man apologized.
"It's alright," Jared said with a smile. "I-I l-love you," his words came out forced. It still wasn't something he was used to saying casually. There was a feeling on coming humiliation or heartbreak that hovered over him when he said them, but he wanted to say those words. He wanted Darnell to know how much he meant to him, and he would fight his fears to do that.
Darnell grinned from ear to eat before his eyes went wide like had had just remembered something. "I wanted to ask you something," he said, his voice soft and a little edged. "My father was asking about you. Can you come and meet him with me later this week?" Darnell asked. He still remembered Nathalie's offer of bringing them to a drag show, but he'll make that offer later when he was sure his father and Jared got along fine. Jared didn't hesitate on giving Darnell an answer like he thought the man would. Jared just nodded, smiling as he reached out to brush back the clumps of curly hair around Darnell's face.
"I would love that," he said, making Darnell's chest swell up with happiness. His reaction to the over was wonderful. Why did he think Jared would be freaked out by it in the first place?
Darnell chuckled in relief, stretching himself forward to hug Jared again before leaning away and looking at him. "That's great. I'll send you the details," he said before looking down between them. He shuffled, making Jared bite his bottom lip before closing his eyes.
"I figure," Darnell chuckled getting off Jared's lap. "We haven't washed, so you can use my thighs," he said with a smile. He started pulling down the sweatpants he had on, and it was only then Jared realized what was happening.
"You don't have to—"
"I want to," Darnell said, insisting. He had taken off his boxers and sweatpants now and was currently standing naked. He moved towards the living room table, pulling out a sweat before grabbing a hold of the wooden table's edge. "Come one," he said in a low voice, shaking his butt a bit. Jared almost lost it, and how red his face got made Darnell laugh. The older man got up, unzipping his pants before positioning himself behind Darnell. The younger man's hand reaching out of his and placing it on his waist made him feel like a kid that was being thought what to do. He took in a deep breath, pressing himself between Darnell's warm thigh. It wasn't the same thing as been engulfed my Darnell completely, but it was warm — and it was Darnell.
Normally, Darnell facing away from him would have bothered him and made him freak out, but this was one of the most comfortable ways to do this and Darnell turning to face him from time to time eased his anxiety.
They probably looked ridiculous, crooked at the edge of the dining table and just moaning from their skin touching, but neither of them cared. There was no other place they'd rather be. As long as they were with each other, any form of intimacy was ecstasizing.
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