Chương 1: Iris
"This semester's Model Student goes to--" Sobra kong na-appreciate yung effort nitong si Miss Ruiz para i-hype yung buong student body pero I just have to admit that it's failing, it's not working. Wala na ang utak ng mga estudyante sa harap niya sa program na ito dahil nasa isip na ng mga taong 'to ang sembreak, can't she see the bored look that's etched on the faces of this people? Can't she see how this bunch is no longer suppressing their yawn? We are just a few minutes away from freedom! I can't blame them for spacing out and being unresponsive, I have the same thing on my mind. I just want to leave this place and head out. "Iris Kyle Figueras!"
I graciously stood up from my seat, ruffling my ash-colored short hair to achieve the messy bangs I was aiming for, and started walking to the podium to accept the recognition. Sa bawat estudyanteng dinadaanan ko, I am being warmly greeted with smiles and congratulatory words by the students I pass by. They all do. They are all happy for me. These people made me feel like I'm some sort of celebrity, they are extending their hands waiting for a handshake.
Hindi naman sa pagyayabang ano, pero ikatlong taon ko na sa pag-tanggap ng recognition na ito. Simula second year, ako na ang napili nila to be the model student. Pero instead na matuwa at ipagyabang, ang awkward actually sa pakiramdam tsaka nakaka-pressure. Yung tipong hindi ako pwedeng mahuli ng discipline commitee na gumagawa ng demeanor or else matinding kahihiyan ang aabutin ko sa buong student body. You know naman what society tends to do to people climbing up the stairs of fame, they tend to highlight your opportunities and bash you relentlessly until you falter. And once they succeed in bringing you down, they will laugh at you until you lose your confidence. The award is more of a restriction than a recognition, to be blunt. It restricts me to be human, not that I know how to be one but yeah, the award controls me to look perfect in the eyes of the entire studentry. Hindi ko naman magawang tumanggi because who am I to do that? And even if I am someone who is audacious enough to not accept the award, I am not fond of saying no to people. I don't know how to say no, to reject and or decline to someone without feeling bad because I know how bad that feels. Sobrang sama sa pakiramdam na matanggihan kaya as much as possible, as long as I can, I never say no to someone. I can't have someone endure the same pain I have constantly felt.
I nimbly walked my way up from the set of stairs to the podium, matamis ang ngiting isinasalubong sa akin ni Miss Ruiz. She's beaming like a proud parent which is somehow true since adviser ko kasi siya nung second year at medyo masasabi ko na isa ako sa mga gusto nyang estudyante. I am aware that she treats me way better than the other students which actually stirred up some issues. People have been calling me names and such. I have been called a teacher's pet, I have been compared to a straw for being sipsip, I have been called mapapel, atribida, epal and such. The judgments were coming right and left. On my defense, I have never taken advantage of her exceptions. I take all the tests and quizzes that the other students take, I pass my projects on the day of submission if not earlier and I never let them assign me a leader kapag may groupings.
Miss Ruiz handed me a microphone, wordlessly egging me to share a little something to everyone. I was about to say no but I remembered that this will be the last time I would be able to do this so hinayaan ko na lang. "I don't want to keep you from enjoying our short break so maikli lang itong sasabihin ko. Thank you so much for being there, thank you for keeping up with me. As per my parting words, I want you all to be courageous, I want you all to continue being yourself in this world that forces you to be someone else. We all exist for a reason, and that reason is for us to be ourselves. Do not let others control you. Have a good day guys, see you when I see you."
"Kulang pa ba yung mga plaques sa bahay mo Iris at kumuha ka nanaman ng isa?" pa-birong tanong sa akin ni Arra, yung bestfriend kong kulot pa sa kulot, habang naglalakad papalapit kasama si Paul matapos nung recognition program. Paul, by the way, is my boyfriend for five months already. "Nga pala, sama ka sa'min, nag-yaya sina Rico na mag-bowling."
"We just did bowling yesterday, right?" Paul's arm draped into my shoulder as I voice out my confusion. My eyebrows showed my disconcertion because I don't know what's with bowling and they wanted to do it again. "Regardless, kayo na lang muna. I'd go straight home today."
My best friend scowled at me upon hearing my response. "Yeah, we did bowling yesterday but you seemed to have lost interest in one of your favourite past time. Madalas nasa gutter yung shots mo when it is easy for you to do strikes."
I like bowling since I was a kid but I don't know why though. Maybe, just maybe, dahil ito lang ang bagay na sure akong may mapapatumba ako. Oftenly kasi, it is me who stumbles. Ako madalas ang tumutumba. So siguro, somewhere within me elates kung may nakikita akong tumutumba aside from myself. Kidding, I don't think the younger version of me is already that profound in doing life hugots.
"Sumama ka na, besh. Iilang beses mo na nga lang kaming nasasamahan dahil either may ginagawa ka or busy ka sa pag-aaral. Bakasyon naman na so pwede kang mag-chill kahit ngayon lang." I averted my gaze somewhere dahil hindi ko na kaya pang titigan si Arra, I can't afford to falter. I have to keep my resolution and looking at Arra would not help me. "Dali na, besh. Ngayon ka na lang ulit sasama oh. Aside from yesterday, do you remember the last time you joined us? Hindi na 'di ba? Kasi sobrang tagal na since the last time!"
Let us just say that I have been distancing myself to my social circle hence me not frequently joining them on their hang outs. In the long run, it would be for the betterment of everyone, hindi na kami mahihirapan kung sakali mang magkakalayo kami. I'm saving ourselves from separation anxiety.
Arra, together with the subtle persuasion that my boyfriend did, tried her best to nag me to come with them to the mall so that we could bowl but thanks to the tenacity that I inherited from my mother, I withstood her. "You guys enjoy, we'll see each other soon. Do not forget me."
Instead of going straight home like what I told to my bestfriend and my boyfriend, I hailed a cab and asked the driver to drop me off to this secluded park that I have grown fond of. When the cab reached my destination, I headed straight to the more secluded part of the secluded park. Medyo pa-gubat na yung feels nitong part na'to which is naeenjoy ko naman since I'm that gay guy who loves nature. Nature makes me forget everything, it makes me forget all that I am shouldering.
It's around three in the afternoon, the sun beams brighter as it shines the last of its rays before succumbing to the darkness of the night but the heat it emits is being perfectly blocked by the towering trees of various types that covers the sprawling area of the park. Despite the sun, it was a chilly afternoon as well, the leaves are waltzing on an unfamiliar tune from the gentle breeze that's blowing. The area is spacious and is practically empty so the tearing of dried leaves as I tread down the path is the only thing that you will hear aside from the occasional chirping of the birds and the whistle of the breeze. I have the entire space by myself and I am happy for I would be able to do what I want here, away from the prying eyes of the people around me.
Once I get into my desired spot, kinuha ko yung baon kong kumot mula sa bag at inilatag iyon upang may maayos akong mauupuan, matapos nun ay sunod kong kinuha yung tripod at yung camera na mula rin sa bag ko at sinet up iyon. I first looked around the area, checking for any signs of human being, before pressing that button in the camera that says record. Now is the beginning of the end.
"Hi there, Iris here! I don't want to know what you are feeling now for I know that it might not be good. I mean, unless you are some random stranger out there who stumbled upon this video then I would totally understand. Bakit ka nga naman malulungkot and such over a death of someone you don't even know? Oh sorry, I didn't mean to be snippy but yes, you heard it right. You heard me clear. Chances are, I have succeeded in taking my own life once this video gets into your hands."
I now agree with most people, it's really easier said than done. Sobrang daling sabihin kaysa gawin. Hindi ko alam na ganito magiging kabigat yung nararamdaman ko. To think that I am just starting this video. I just spoke merely a paragraph of words but I can no longer control the wide array of emotions that I am currently going through. My emotions felt like animals in the woods: wild, full of vigor, unstoppable. But truth be told, I don't exactly know how to put my emotions into words, para bang may kettle bell that weighs a ton or 2 ang nasa loob ko. I feel so heavy. I kept on drawing large breaths because I find it hard to breathe normally. I feel constricted like my lungs is being wrapped around by thorny veins.
"Flash News: Iris Kyle Figueras killed himself by committing suicide."
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