Amorphous Shape pov
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Sometimes I wonder why I exist.
Oh course I know HOW I came to exist. Or rather, I figured it out over the years. Mother discarded a piece, without much thought to it, and that piece was cracked into many pieces and became me.
Or...us? I know I am an odd existence. Mother has said most people gain a Soul from the AXOLOTL. But I am made of many souls. Possibly the souls of the people from that planet mother devoured. I've seen the old news surrounding that incident. It resonated within me as something familiar.
I, we, I have no memories from before I crawled out from the ground and was discovered by mother. What I did have was conflicting emotions and thoughts and desires. We were many and yet there was only one I. Things settled as mother gave me his flame. We solidified into one, melting together until I could speak because I chose to speak. I could make decisions, the multitudes of I all expressing what their course of action would be in an instant and we would go with the majority vote.
As the years went on, we combined more and more until sometimes I felt alone in here. There was only I and it felt so quiet as the we remained silent. But then a conflict of desires would arise and we were relieved that I wasn't alone. Mother tried hard to understand, to teach us. We appreciated that. When the time came for the decision of whether mother is mother, the collective we acted like an I and we all said yes.
Truly a testament to mother's love that I agreed with us on a decision. When asked if we loved mother as he did us, I responded with a yes. There are few things I agree with. Our love for mother is one of the few.
The other is our ire for grandfather.
I remember that if we think back, far back to the day mother found me, I had met grandfather. Mother had asked him if we were mother's child and grandfather responded no. I did not think this was important back then, we had only just met mother and mother was not mother to me back then. But years passed and we now knew that I am mother's child.
Grandfather had lied.
Mother loves grandfather. He excuses grandfather's lies and neglect. I did not understand why. We do not like grandfather. He is a liar. But mother does not listen. Mother continues to trust grandfather. We find this strange because mother hates lies. But I have learned through books about the subject that love is blind and mother ignores grandfather's faults because of love.
I do not understand. We love mother but that did not mean we were blind to his faults. Mother is violent and vicious. We find that to be in his favor. I have read that mothers are always more dangerous, especially when they have children to protect. So I see no problem with mother's rage. We remember well the day I was hurt. Mother reacted as he should. As any mother should when their child was harmed.
That is why I do not understand why people fear and blame our mother so. Why are they angry when mother is only acting as is expected? I am not mother's only child. Though mother calls the others 'Friend' his care for them is much the same as his love for us. Why then, do people shun mother for her protection of us?
Teeth says it is because mother is scary when he is angry. Teeth is afraid of giving in to his own anger at those who have wronged him.
Pyronica says it is because mother cannot be controlled. Pyronica is afraid of others dictating her actions.
Kryptos says it is because of mother's power. Kryptos is afraid of his own weakness.
Hectorgon says it is because mother goes against the Federation. Hectorgon is afraid of how much power the Federation has.
Keyhole says it is because people don't understand mother. Keyhole is afraid of not understanding his own self, he flounders to find purpose for his goals or future.
PaciFire says people fear the way mother does whatever he wants without caring what people think. PaciFire is afraid of his own desires and hides them from us.
8-Ball says people are angry because they cannot make mother work for them. 8-Ball is afraid of being used again.
Xanthar did not say anything. Xanthar cannot talk. But from what he is capable of expressing, Xanthar thinks they fear mother because they do not understand mother's kindness. Xanthar is afraid of what might have happened to him if mother had not found him on that day and took him in.
Their explanations are not incorrect, but they are bias. Yet, I do not disregard them, for these reasons ring true.
As for us, I do not know why people hate mother so. Mother is mother. He is powerful, vicious and loves us all more than anything else. What is there to fear? His faults are that he gets angry, he kills others, he loses control. But can anyone else claim to have never gotten angry? Can the Federation claim they have not killed thousands? Can anyone else claim they have not allowed their spur of the moment decisions cause them regret?
And yet, despite all of mother's faults, he does not directly lie to anyone.
Grandfather is a liar.
And yet everyone loves him. Worships him. We do not understand. I have often watched him in his tank and wished to ask why. But we know he would only lie to us. So we watch him. We have decided that I will call him out if he lies again.
"I think you won the staring contest long ago."
I twist one of my blocks to see mother. He looked amused at how I watch grandfather. "Indeed." I inform mother, for grandfather has blinked a few times while I have not done so even once. I read somewhere that those who lie will blink. "Grandfather is very bad at this." I inform mother. He shrugged. "I don't think he's playing actually."
I considered this. I closed my eyes. "I see. So grandfather doesn't even consider me an opponent." We felt somewhat irritated at this knowledge. So he wasn't going to give me the satisfaction of a proper match. Then I must find some other way to strike against him. Mother patted my back. "Come on Ammy, you've been sitting there all day. Wanna go do something fun?"
I twirled our hand around mother's. "I have no plans but I do believe your favorite show about colorful equines will be coming on shortly." Mother grinned. "Oh right. Do you wanna watch with me?"
I nodded. Bonding exercises such as these are essential to continued relationships, or so we've read. Mother sang along to the theme song. I confess I do not get this show. There are many things that do not make sense. "Why are they keeping other sentient creatures in their farm? Is that not slavery?" I question.
Mother shrugged. "I'm pretty sure the writers didn't think about the implications before they put them in." I nodded, that seemed reasonable. We watched the show quietly for a while before I had another question. "Why didn't they think about the implications before they put it in? Wouldn't the story boarding, animation and production process be more than enough time for someone on staff to point out the inherent problems of having sentient, sapient animals owning other animals?"
Mother rolled his eye. "Because they don't think about it. They're usually just focused on making something as fast as they can because animation is difficult and they're on a schedule so whatever the story boarder draws out ends up in the final draft because checking requires more work and care than most of them are being paid for." He paused "This generally means some questionable content is allowed through because no one on the team is thinking about what implications it would have with the audience based on the established world and no one has the time or energy to do research and double check anything." He paused again "Or they're just too lazy."
I nodded. Truly, mother is the greatest fountain of knowledge. We watched the show together as I continued to question everything and mother patiently explained or gave me his own interpretations of what was happening. I liked watching shows together with mother. He always took the time to answer whereas the others would sometimes grow annoyed at our incessant need to question the plot and story. Something about how I was ruining the show for them.
I liked this, spending bonding time with our mother. I floated closer to lean against his side, he brought an arm up to hug me.
As the episode ended and we changed the channels to watch some anime instead. I absently reached a hand into a storage block to pull out some chips so we could both have something to snack on while we watched.
I leaned against mother and ended up dozing off. He was warm. Comforting. I think this is how mothers are meant to be.
----
I awoke to find myself tucked away in my bed, the blankets neatly draped over our form. Of course. If I had the features necessary for smiling, I would do so. At most we could squint our eyes. No matter, I was quite good at expressing my content with the situation. I took this chance to look around my room. It was quite bare as I had no desire to own most objects. I enjoyed taking objects, slipping items into my blocks absently without even thinking, but owning those objects has never appealed to me.
Teeth, Keyhole and Pyronica loved to own stuff. They collected things that caught their interest. Video games, figurines, clothing...they filled their rooms with clutter. My room was sparse. A stranger who knew nothing about us would assume that perhaps mother did not give me gifts as he does to the rest of our little family. This is simply not true.
Mother has tried to give me many gifts. Once a year he will claim it is a birthday tradition to give gifts. We accept his gifts so as to not make mother unhappy. But mother, with his emphatic insight, quickly realized I did not care for the toys. So he began to give me gifts of a different nature. I enjoyed new experiences and knowledge, learning new things, seeing new things.
Now my birthday gifts involve traveling with mother to a planet I have never seen before. I am allowed a few days to run free and examine everything I would want. Mother seems to find joy in my own happiness. It is one of the many things we love about him. My room, therefore, is bare of anything that would be considered 'stuff'.
My bed is large and extravagant. Mother dotes on me so. I appreciate the soft blankets and the large mattress with which we can spread our blocks around with plenty of room to spare. The walls are colored in a vibrant pattern of many hues. Keyhole once joked that if I were to press myself against them and close our eyes, no one would tell that I was here. He is not incorrect.
I rose myself from the bed, brushing past the slowly spinning mobile above it. It has been there since I was a child. I felt no need to be rid it and mother has not taken it either. I left my room to see what has happened during my rest. Our family keeps to their own schedule, many of us sleeping while others wake. Mother requests we at least have our meals together. Mother worries that we don't eat enough.
The halls are quiet. We wonder if it is 'night'. Our wandering bring us to the garden with it's open view of the outside. Mother's power keeps the void from encroaching within the house and we stop to admire the view. The vastness of space stretches out as far as our eyes can see. The swirl of a distant nebula lights up the sky. I wonder briefly how the void can be so vast and dark when the stars that exist are many and bright.
I see Xanthar sleeping in his nest, the grass stamped flat from his girth weighing down upon it night after night for centuries. I see mother, sleeping among Xanthar's thick fur. Mother does not sleep alone. He hates being alone. We floated closer to watch him. Mother's expression is calm. This is good. I brushed a tendril along his plane as I watched his bricks glow and fade faintly, as if he were breathing. It always settles my worry to see mother so peaceful.
I floated away, leaving them to sleep in peace.
My wandering brought us to the main living room, the teleporter at the far end next to the door/window that opened out into space. The television is on, paused on a screen of some video game. Teeth and 8-Ball laid unconscious on the couch. It appears the two had fallen asleep during another late night gaming session. I switch off the TV and pull out some blankets to drape over them. They aren't strictly necessary, it is not cold in the Death Star. But mother has stated that blankets made everything better. I tucked my not-quite brothers/uncles in and floated around the room to stop in front of grandfather's tank.
He is awake.
I stared at him. We stared at him. "Why are you awake?" We asked him. As per usual, he did not respond. He never does. He is a terrible parent. Mother always responds when we ask him things. Mother gives us his attention, because mother cared. But grandfather doesn't seem to care. If he did, would he not respond?
Perhaps I am being unfair. Mother has claimed to have spoken with grandfather. Perhaps it is only that grandfather refuses to speak to the rest of us. Even so, what few times I HAVE heard of grandfather's words were blatant lies. He cannot be trusted. I stared at grandfather. He stared back.
He blinked.
"I know you are a liar." We told him. "You told mother that I wasn't his child. You were lying. You should have known. Are you not the granter of Souls? Do I not exist because of you?" I frowned at him. "Even if you had a good reason, a lie is a lie. How do I know you have not lied about other things? More important things?"
I felt...angry.
"Mother trusts you. Are you really worthy of that trust?"
To my astonishment, grandfather reacted. He ducked his head down and looked away. I narrowed my eyes. "Is this an admission of guilt?"
Grandfather swam away into a little rock castle. I watched him go. "What else have you lied to mother about?" I questioned. Grandfather didn't respond. I didn't need one. His actions were proof enough for us. "We do not like you." We told him.
"Why did you create us?" We asked him. It was mother who birthed us, but we wouldn't be here, be who we ARE, if not for grandfather. None of us would have existed without grandfather. But why? Why were we allowed into this world? Why had grandfather made and discarded us?
For what reason could there be for his silence? Grandfather made us and then left us, not a word, not a care. I….am grateful that we exist. If only so that we will be here to ease mother's loneliness. To ease each other's loneliness as well.
What were we but a family of lonely misfits? I have not suffered as the others did. I have heard their stories over the years. Their pain, trials and joy at having become a family here. I am not like them. I have not suffered loneliness in my life. Part of us feels that makes us unworthy of the love in this family. We have not earned it. We have not struggled as they did so we did not deserve to be here.
Of course, mother was horrified to discover we had such thoughts. I remember that day well. Mother told me that suffering is not something that should ever happen. He told me that my life of care and support didn't need to earned. That everyone should be allowed to live without pain. Everyone deserves to be happy, whether or not they have gone through hardships. Mother held us close that day and told us that he loved us and would not allow us to ever go through what he had.
So I try to keep these thoughts quiet. It upsets mother. But it is hard. How can I convey that I feel unworthy of mother's love?
I wish we could do more for our family but we are lazy and forget to put in the effort half the time.
I made a vow to myself. If mother asks something of me someday in the future, I will do all I can to be a good son. Maybe then I can settle this feeling within us. I stared at grandfather for a while longer before floating away.
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"What is the meaning of life?" We asked mother one day. He paused while preparing breakfast, another ramlette but this time with cheese. "There is no definitive answer for this. Every single person has their own unique answer that only they can figure out themselves." Mother responded. "One person might decide their meaning is to collect stamps, another might find meaning in starting a family."
I considered that. It made sense. "What is my meaning?" We asked. Mother shrugged. "This is something you must discover on your own. Heck, I'm still trying to figure out mine." mother laughed lightly. "Another thing, most people don't realize it but sometimes, what holds meaning for you changes over time. While you might like one thing right now, that can change down the line. So don't get too attached to what you ultimately decided on."
I tilted my head "For a god of knowledge, how are you so wise?" Mother blushed. "W-well this is the sort of thing I contemplate. I enjoy having deep philosophical debates with myself." He mumbled something about introspection, soul searching and understanding.
I nodded. This was quite helpful.
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I was out with mother shopping. Mother enjoys using my storage blocks to hold items so he doesn't have to use a 'germ covered shopping cart that's been touched by hundreds of people'. Sometimes we think mother's need for cleanliness is a bit much.
"Smeet flour...bread...oh, we need more tomato sauce, 8-Ball drank it all yesterday…" mother mumbled to himself. He does this often, speaking aloud to himself. Sometimes even asking questions to himself and holding entire conversations. This is fine. It's simply a quirk. But what worried all of us, especially Hectorgon, is how Bill sometimes has imaginary conversations with us.
Keyhole was quite confused when mother once came up to him and continued a conversation that Keyhole never had with mother. We found mother speaking with an empty sofa as if Keyhole were sitting there a few hours later. This was understandably distressing for everyone involved. When we pointed this out to mother, he seemed confused. Kryptos wonders if it's another sign of mother's insanity or perhaps his powers going out of control and making him react to the psychic impressions of us that are left behind.
That WAS Keyhole's preferred spot on the sofa. Kryptos theorized that mother may simply be reacting to theoretical conversations he could be having. We still worry. Generally this can be fixed by one of us being with mother at all times so that we can stop a fake conversation before it gets too far. Hectorgon worries. I have heard him state that mother is like a daughter to him but he was too afraid to tell mother so.
We told him that mother may not mind. Grandfather is like mother's father, but there's nothing that says you cannot have more than one father.
I am shaken from my reminiscence by a scream. I see another shopper screeching at mother in fear. Ah, this has not happened in a while, this customer must be new, most of the staff and regulars here have gotten used to mother's presence. As mother had told me once, with enough repetition, anything can become normal. Of course, he said that during a conversation about how, as a joke, he had placed a star on the bellies of a species of Beach Bird (something about how he wanted to recreate Sneeches on beaches, whatever that meant) which startled the birds so much they screamed and ran around in a panic. So mother had taken the stars away. And, as a joke, given them back the stars just to watch them scream and run around some more. After a week of this, the birds eventually stopped reacting and just went about their business as usual whether they had stars or not.
Mother claimed this was a good experiment. I found myself agreeing.
Back to the present, the screaming customer was being quite rude. They were picking up cans with their tendrils and throwing them at us. We can see mother struggling to keep calm. I don't know if mother has realized this but because he is an empathic creature, he gets worked up and upset when others are upset and this leads to him losing control of himself.
When around people who are calm and content, mother is...for a lack of a better word, sane. But when others are distressed, mother loses himself and it is difficult for him to stay calm. Sometimes it can happen just from mother Looking at upset people during his Flickering for information. And sometimes it can happen from mother remembering these incidents. Pyronica says it is because mother is an emotional mess who's too sensitive for his own good.
I take mother's hand, trying to convey my calm and help grant him some stability. For extra measure, we pulled mother away from the incredibly rude customer to try and put some distance between them. I feel a flash of irritation when the stupid person FOLLOWED us, continuing to throw things.
Mother is trembling with the effort it took to not lash out (he has confessed that when he was younger, he had more trouble holding back and would simply strike out before he realized it). I see his eye following the thrown items and catching them with his power to lower gently to the ground. Of course, mother hated seeing food go to waste, if any of these containers broke, so too would his patience. The security team finally got there and we were told to leave. I feel mother nearly boil over.
"WHAT? US LEAVE?! THEY'RE THE ONE WHO ASSAULTED US FOR NO FUCKING REASON!" mother screeched. The security team apologized and gave mother a book of coupons before asking us again to leave. A shelf caught fire with his anger but I pulled on his arm until we had left the store.
"The fucking nerve of them!" Mother hissed as we left the store behind. I patted his back and smiled, reaching into a block and pulling out a jar of tomato sauce. It was more than simple to grab it. We had found the locations of all the cameras as I followed mother through the store and the workers were all sufficiently distracted.
Mother stared at me for a few seconds before laughing. "I hate shoplifting on principle but this, this is hilarious." Mother grinned. I keep quiet about the multitude of other items I had acquired within the store. Mother would be upset if he learned of them. I will give them to Pyronica later. Or Kryptos. He is always asking me to smuggle items for him. Many of them seem to be materials listed on the Federation restricted list.
"Why do we still go to grocery stores when we could just as easily create the products ourselves?" I question. Mother sighed. "The multiverse runs on money. There are a lot of terrible people as well as good people out there, running terrible and good companies. For example, it's cheaper for certain farms to produce enough meat to sate demand if they mistreat their animals. Meanwhile, there are other farms who treat their animals well, which costs them more money. So, by buying their products, I am giving them money to support their ethical treatment of their livestock."
"...can't you just donate money to them?" I question. Mother laughed. "I do. But I also enjoy shopping. Plus, if I buy the stuff in the store, the store will realize it is selling and therefore, buy more products from that company to restock the shelves. Once I've done this enough times over a course of years, the store will go out of its way to stock items from that company more often and with more prominence. Continue doing this and other people will begin buying the products as well, since it's there, it's visible and convenient."
"Repetition into normalcy?" I ask. Mother grinned. "Exactly! And then everyone else is also sending that company money so I won't have to support them alone."
Mother's brilliance is amazing.
----
I stared at grandfather. He was hiding from us again. We wanted to drag him out and demand answers, but he wouldn't answer. But we know now. Grandfather has lied to mother before. And he probably will again. Informing mother of this doesn't work. Mother trusted grandfather. Mother loved him.
So I will need to find the answers myself.
----
In the middle of dinner, while everyone was gathered around for some pasta and tomato soup, I spoke up "I have decided what my current meaning of life is." Pyronica stared at me incredulously, since I had interrupted her while she was in the middle of trying to talk about a dress she saw in a store that she really wanted. Mother grinned. "That's wonderful Ammy, but it's polite to wait for a lull in conversation."
I nodded and apologized to Pyronica, as mother has taught me. "I am sorry for interrupting you. Would you like to finish your conversation first?"
She shrugged. "Naw, it's fine. I think yours is more important." She grinned at me. "Meaning of life huh? That's some pretty deep thoughts you're having~" PaciFire nudged her. "Don't tease him, this is a big moment. Not everyone can figure such a thing out." Everyone turned to me expectantly. "I've decided I will become a researcher." I stated. Everyone blinked in confusion. Keyhole asked "Research about what?" I tilted my blocks "Everything."
"So...like Kryptos?" 8-Ball asked. Kryptos scoffed. "I plan to be an inventor! And a teacher!" Teeth snorted "And the future ruler of the universe." Kryptos blushed. "I...I won't deny that was on my to-do list…"
Mother flew over and hugged me tightly. "Well I'm proud of you." he said with a happy hum. "You want to learn stuff right?" we nodded. "There is so much I still do not know. I think I would enjoy finding the answers myself. And perhaps…" ...perhaps I can discover more about mother and grandfather, about why they exist, about why I exist...why any of this exists...
"Perhaps?" Mother asked. I squint my eyes into a smile. "Perhaps I can even learn something you do not know."
Mother appeared surprised before he squealed loudly and hugged me again. "Awww~I look forward to that Ammy! I really do!" Mother spun me around in delight. "I would love to have YOU teach me something someday!" It was another odd thing about mother. For a god of knowledge, he absolutely loves when others teach him about things he doesn't know.
I hugged mother back as everyone clapped politely in congratulations.
I had my meaning of life. Find out the truth about grandfather and protect mother's happiness.
Maybe then, I could feel like I deserved the love mother gave me so unconditionally. Mother said that his love is freely given, but that doesn't mean I did not wish to give back as well.
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