Chương 1: Death – Part 1
Slowly, I opened my eyes. As soon as I did, sunlight hit them and forced me to close them again. Annoyed, I turned around to face a wall.
"My bed is soooo soft~. I love it." I thought as I arched my back and strechted with a content smile on my face. I soon fell back onto my soft blanket and pillow as I sighed in pleasure.
After a few more minutes of basking in the afterglow of a few long hours of sleep, I finally decided to get up from my bed.
I walked into my bathroom and did what I always do. First, I take a shower (even though I don't really need to, as a chakra beast, my hair does not naturally get greasy and grimy, it does get dirty from outside influences though), I mainly do that because the warm water feels great on my skin. I use fire-natured chakra to quickly dry my long hair that reaches down to my waist.
"Gosh, I love my hair ... I always wanted soft, long hair like this ..." I couldn't help but giggle at the thought of my hair.
I move on to brushing my teeth and again washing my face with water. I don't actually need to do any of this, but it helps me feel cleaner. In the end, it's just for my mind to feel at ease.
My body is almost entirely made of chakra by now ... I'm a chakra beast after all, so that's natural. I can change my form to whatever I want it to be. If I want my hair to be clean, then I can simply think of that. My chakra follows my intent and my wish, you could say, we chakra beasts are the "children of chakra". We were born directly from the Juubi after all. Though it's a bit different in my case.
I leave the bathroom and reach out to wear my favorite panties and bra. I honestly can't tell you how euphoric I feel now that I can finally wear things like this.
I put on black, comfortable pants. Come to think of it, I still do like wearing black, just like in my past life. Some things never change~.
As for my upper body, I chose to wear a black long-sleeved shirt. I really like long sleeves~, like, the way you can make them go over your hand is soooo cute~. I love it!
After I finish dressing myself, I leave my room and enter the door right next to mine to wake up my sleeping brother.
He is lying on his bed that looks very similar to mine. I kind of feel like going back to sleep actually~. But, no, today is ninja academy after all, and we shouldn't miss that, right? ~
I slowly walk over to his bedside and slowly stroke his cheek while whispering to him: "Naruto-nii, please wake up~. We need to get ready for the academy soon, don't you want to be hokage? Then you really need to work harder~ *giggle*. I know you like your pranks, but you should at least work hard in the academy, okay?"
"Mhm~, hnn~ ..." he mumbled, while his eyes slowly fluttered awake.
"Morning, Naru~. Did you sleep well?" He asks, while rubbing his drooping eyes.
"Mhm~, I did. Now, get up so we can get going." I say while smiling at him with my eyes half-closed. It was a smile filled with genuine kindness, just like the smile I give my kind foxy brother that is sealed inside of his stomach.
"Kura is probably still sleeping~" I think while turning around and leaving the room.
I quickly make my way over to the kitchen. I take out some bread and prepare a small sandwich for my brother's breakfast.
I'm actually not eating much, only when I really feel like it because I don't need food. My body functions all on its own, there's no need for any outward energy source. Chakra is all I need~.
I'm not gonna lie, this body is perfect. I love it, its heaven compared to the one of my past life.
Naruto comes down, dressed in his signature orange jumpsuit (that we all know all too well~) and he quickly feeds on the sandwich I made.
After putting on our shoes, we finally leave for the academy.
---
[Actual Beginning]
What greeted me after that ... was only darkness. And after that ... was more darkness.
Perhaps, this isn't too bad? What did I expect.
Yes, what I expected wasn't this, certainly. Actually, I don't even know what I expected, did I even expect anything?
Things were supposed to be over, for good. Life, had always been taxing and tiring and I was quite honestly exhausted.
And when it had finally ended, not even through my own hand, I was relieved. Not in pain, no, not at all. It all went differently than I could have ever guessed it to go.
I had planned to finally go through with it, I had nothing left after all. Now that I think of it, I never had anything anyway. I never had anything. My body, did, though. Parents, friends. But I was never actually close to them.
I hesitated. Though I had known life to be worthless for years.
Still, I hesitated. For so long. Years.
I waited and waited and waited for change. I didn't even try to change anything by myself because it was too tiring. Change is tiring. Actually, I have never actually done anything without being forced in some kind of way. Forced to experience boredom, for example, and thus forced to relieve it.
I mean, you had to do something to get through the day, right?
Thus I "wasted" my time. Always.
I had fun. Probably. I don't know. I mean, how can you ever be sure that what you are feeling is real? I still don't know if I actually ever truly wanted to die, or if I was really just influenced to think like that by my "feelings". Depression, anxiety, dysphoria. Though the last one was rather weak in comparison.
It might have been the spark that invited depression and anxiety to the party though. (Hehe~, I'm the party. I hate parties.)
Anyway ... back to what actually happened to me in my last moments. The rest before that was boring, generic and normal. Nobody is interesting in that ... or is there someone?
No ... nobody is interested in that. I'm sure of that. I mean ... I had never had any "good" reason to be depressed. (Again, now that I think of it, it might have been my dysphoria and hatred for my own body that started around puberty that sparked all of it.)
And you'd think people get help, right? Well, I didn't exactly do anything.
I just went with it. It made me special, and I needed that, desperately.
I still want to be special, but I'm "dead"? Probably. Hopefully.
Though if this is death ... then it is just as shit as living. Though ... I do not need to worry about food, or do I? I don't know. There's nothing here. Actually, I'm not even here. I have no body. I'm just thinking. Everything is black, whether my "eyes" are open, or closed.
Perhaps it's not life that I sought to end, but existence instead. Now ... let's work on that later. Let me get on with what happened. You'll laugh! Probably. It's funny, at least to me.
Honestly, it was so cliché that I can only laugh.
I didn't usually go outside much. I never really enjoyed being outside, for various reasons. Mainly though because of my anxiety and because of the way it made me feel towards other people.
I think, my hatred for other human beings was caused by ma anxiety. It made me feel that they were always, ALWAYS, judging me in some kind of way. And it hurt. It really bothered me.
I think ... I coped with that by insulting them inside of my mind. It helped me disregard their existence ... maybe this seems foreign to some, but there's gonna be someone out there that has also done this before, right?
But regardless of what my anxiety told me ... I actually ventured outside that day.
I slowly and lazily crossed street after street, aimlessly. Perhaps not that aimlessly, as I soon reached my school. Perhaps I looked, yearned, for something familiar in this "outside", that I usually so dislike.
I never felt truly at home here. I hate almost everything ... there's always contact with humans, ugh. I do not like humans. They live, they judge, they breathe, they scare, they intimidate.
See ... that's how I cope, I needed this ... to speak with strangers for example ... because I always felt insecure about myself.
If I could, I would wanna be as far away from them as I can. But today, I felt like going outside and walking in the gentle rain while heavy, dark clouds covered the sun.
It was a beautiful day, honestly. And days are only beautiful if it's dark, cold and rainy.
I hate the summer. I hate the heat. I hate the insects. But, what I really hate about it all is ... that I can't play around outside ... have fun with everyone ... because I'm too busy hating my own body.
I walked and walked and walked. I soon passed the old gym, arena, thingie that I used to be forced to do P:E. classes in by my teacher.
It was horrifying every, single, time. But that's over now.
I finished school. And after that, just like I expected everything went downhill and broke apart.
My parents, although they probably already were long before that, were disappointed in me. Truly, disappointed.
I have no drive to work for a future that I do not want. I rejected it ... there was nothing it could have held in this world that would have made me desire it. Nothing.
What I yearn for, what I need, what I desire and what I prayed for ... is not something of this world. Thus, my hopes would inevitably be crushed. Every single day they would be crushed again and again.
How can you not despair? How can you not lose hope?
I did. I despaired, though that faded soon. Like all my emotional spikes do. They last for seconds, maybe sometimes minutes and then they are gone as if they never existed. Perhaps I was already broken all along and I just didn't notice it?
Because I probably didn't notice it, I waited. I waited to be broken so change would come on it's own. Either, I'd search for eternal rest ... or I'd give up my dreams, my wishes and abandon all of me to survive. I didn't want that, so I desired death ... or now, the end of my existence. The total and complete end. There is no need for a second life. Unless my wishes are fulfilled, I cannot bear life.
Maybe I'm selfish and childish. Maybe. But I do not care. I am, who I am. Probably. Who am I even?
See, I'm a mess. But I love that, it makes me special, doesn't it?
I'm sorry, to everyone, that is broken and has a real, genuine reason for it. To all those with trauma's, I'm sorry.
I just casually don't want to exist.
Again ... I walked, or rather, lazily strolled while enjoying the rain. I closed my eyes at times too. And I looked into the sky, where the oh so free birds flew.
(Stupid birds.) I envy them. In fact, I envy all animals that live in freedom.
They are not human, they don't need to be human. Sure, they have their own troubles and problems, but if I could be, NOT human, then I'd like to try it. See, if being human is what kept me from living.
After some time, I fell after stumbling on a rock. Yes, a rock. I was so engrossed with the sky and the rain and chill that I did not notice the rather big rock in front of my feet.
I fell and face planted into the ground. Rather anticlimactic, I'd say.
I soon rose again and continued walking. It didn't hurt much, surprisingly.
I lately took to try some self-harm stuff. At first, I wanted to try cutting ... but I decided against it. Probably because I was scared of actually dieing while doing it.
Instead I opted to beat myself. Does anyone else even do that?
But, it's probably again, for attention and feeling special, as all the things I do. I manipulate others into loving and caring for me, though they never do. So it isn't working, right?
As long as I can truly remember, I have wanted, desired, to be cute, beautiful. To be a girl. Perhaps, I'd have been happy. But I wasn't that. I just failed in the lottery of life.
Instead I was a guy. Huge, ugly, slightly fat, but not overly so. I was around 6'1, so around 188 cm big. Disgusting height. No worries, I do like guys that are handsome ... but it just isn't me, okay? I don't want any of that. I'd love that in my significant other though~.
Oh, how I would have loved being a beautiful and cute girl. I could have tried actually loving myself and after that ... I might have been able to love others too. And then I would have actual reasons to live right?
I could live for others, right?
---
I somehow reached unfamiliar streets. The houses around me were lit with bright lights. Those lights illuminated the dark streets I was walking on.
Their front gardens were decorated with beautiful flowers, all of them actually. Why aren't there some with trees? Weird, but ... does it actually matter? Perhaps they all liked flowers. I like flowers too~.
I soon arrived at a crossroad.
The streets were unusually empty. Sure, it was quite late by now, but not that late. It wasn't even midnight yet.
I looked around, bewildered by the quiet atmosphere.
I soon saw a small, cute, cat walking around on the open street, without a care in the world.
Ah, it's so cute and free and soft. Yes, it's soft. I unconsciously moved towards it and it let itself be pet by me.
Weird, normally animals don't like me.
It had a collar around it's neck upon which "Little Butterfly", was written. What a strange name for a cat. No, maybe it wasn't strange, maybe it had a deeper meaning to the person that named it. I couldn't ascertain it's gender, so it'll be called by "it"?
Though, little butterfly seems rather feminine to me.
So, let's go with she after all~.
I continued petting her for a long while, without a care for my surroundings.
What could go wrong ....
Yes, maybe you have imagined this already, but Truck-kun came to visit me. Oh god, that's really awkward.
A big truck, with an overworked and slightly asleep man sped towards us. He probably, accidentally, pressed the pedal to go faster and accelerate.
Neither the driver, butterfly or me, noticed anything until the collusion was unavoidable. I did not even hear it approach until it was really close to us. I was too focused on petting the little bundle of fluffy fur.
The streets had been quiet after all, right?
To be honest, I was quite happy as I laid there.
I had pushed the little kitten away and it seemed to have made it, as long as my eyes aren't fooling me.
*cough*
I spat out a lot of blood that had risen up my throat and into my mouth.
I couldn't feel my legs or my arms or anything, actually.
There was no pain. No pain at all. Perhaps my nerves had been cut? I'm not expert in biology, so I wouldn't know.
The only thing that needs to be known is, I didn't feel pain.
Oh how I had feared the pain I would feel before my death.
I had feared it for years. But, haha, it's funny. It was actually so underwhelming. The pain was actually the main reason that I used to keep living.
Perhaps it was the feeling of doing it myself that was so horrifying. Perhaps it was the action of kindness this old, weary man gave me that I needed?
Perhaps I really needed someone else to do it for me because I was even too useless to kill myself.
But now, it was finally over. I saved the kitten and soon my mind grew hazy.
My eyes lost their strength and closed, slowly though.
---
Then ... at some point, I just came into "existence" over here. In this dark space.
And as I already said, if this is what death is like, then I need to search for a way to end my existence. Because this is not what I needed.
I needed an end. An end to my existence, but it wasn't granted to me.
Sigh, there's nothing obvious that I can do right now. I could keep thinking and blabbering to myself about my past life ... but, that's become tiring too.
I guess, I'll sleep? I mean, that's what I wanted? Can I sleep?
Hopefully I can. Because if I can, then it's not too bad here.
I closed my "eyes", or rather, my mind. And soon, my thoughts stopped.
___
A/N: I have to admit. I might not continue, so please take notice of that. If anyone actually reads this, ever, or likes it and I happen to not continue it, then please know that I'm sorry. I hate it when people stop writing things that I enjoy reading. (Well, maybe no one will enjoy this ;), then I'll be good either way.)
So, this will have updates when I feel like. There are some of my actual feelings involved. Maybe you can call this "self-insert", I'm not actually that familiar with that term, so please forgive me if it's misused here.
There'll be plot holes, I'm no expert writer. This is not the first thing I wrote, but it is the first thing I ever published. There are mistakes. There will be mistakes. I'll make an effort to fix them. (It should be readable though?)
Yeah, so ... I like longer stories, with more to read. So that's what this will hopefully be. It'll also be a place for me to write down my dreams, what I sincerely wish for. So, my character might change a lot from what it was shown to be in the beginning ... and all the other canon characters might be slightly OOC too. Be aware of that.
That should be all for now? I'm not sure. Until next time?
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