Chương 41: Act 6, Chapter 4
You really could have started crying on the spot because when you tried to open the door it was closed.
Even shaking, pulling and pressing several times didn't help at all.
You snorted angrily.
You let the rain soak you completely for nothing.
Frustrated, you ran back to your car and sat down.
The cold outside and the rain made it even worse and it all already went through your bones.
When you started the engine of your car, exactly this cold made itself felt because a few sneezes escaped you.
"No wonder..." you mumbled before you drove off.
As you were driving through the woods to your house, one of your favorite songs started playing on the radio.
'At least there's something good about this day' you thought, and turned up the volume.
You started singing along to the song, letting the rhythm pull you along.
Your favorite part was coming up when something big scurried across the road right in front of your car into the dark forest.
A scream escaped you and at the very last moment you managed to brake to avoid crashing into whatever ran in front of your car.
Your heart was pounding wildly, your eyes were wide with shock and your foot was still pressing the brake pedal.
You sat frozen for a few moments before daring your eyes to follow the path that whatever it was must have taken.
So your gaze led you into the forest.
You couldn't see anything except a rock that looked like a tall and broadly built human being.
You stared at it for a while but it did not move.
When you had collected yourself you lifted your foot off the brake and slowly drove off again.
The rain that started this afternoon was still pouring down relentlessly on the ground.
As you unlocked the door to the house and stepped inside, Chrollo was, unlike usual, standing right by your side.
"What happened?" he asked worriedly, taking a few steps towards you and bending down to your eye level with worried eyes.
You were confused about his question, he couldn't have seen the incident.
Chrollo seemed to understand what you were thinking.
"You're pale, completely soaked, and you look like you've witnessed a murder." He took another step toward you, even reaching out for your hands, but hesitated.
For a moment his hands were in the air as if he wasn't sure if he could actually touch you.
But finally two hands rested on your shoulders, the thumbs of these hands rubbed the fabric of your jacket which you were still wearing, in a soothing, calming motion.
You were so lost in your own thoughts however that you only snapped out of them when you felt the weight of Chrollo's hands on your body.
"I...um..." you tried to get a start and to be able to answer everything as actual as possible.
But you couldn't think of a start.
When you said nothing, Chrollo's hands went down your arms, very slowly, until they reached your hands and he took them in his.
His hands were warm and firm and you imagined him and you walking hand in hand through a park in spring.
You would talk to each other, laugh, be happy.
You shook your head.
That was stupid to think, it could never be like that.
Not only were you alive and Chrollo was dead, but maybe he didn't think of you the way you thought of him.
Besides, it was wrong, so infinitely wrong, to love someone you didn't really know and who died before you were born.
He stood still in time while it ran on and on for you until at some point you would just die with gray hair and wrinkles all over your face.
Either way, you couldn't have anything with Chrollo.
No life, no family, no love.
Still, you couldn't just slap his hands away and when he saw your head shake, you didn't resist his arms gently enclosing your torso.
Your ear was pressed against his chest and you imagined you could hear a heartbeat there, that would have been too nice.
You carefully raised your arms and wrapped them around Chrollo's waist, gripping the clothes he was wearing tightly.
Like that would keep him from losing his power and becoming transparent again, like you could keep him with you forever if you just held him in your grasp until the end of time.
For a long time you had the feeling that you cared more for Chrollo than you would have liked at first.
In the very beginning he had scared you, worried you, made you angry and made you feel like going crazy all the time.
Surely he had driven you to some of those emotions on purpose as well.
But now he was like a friend.
He had explained himself, made his point of view clear to you and you realized that he wasn't the bad guy, that there was no such thing as a bad guy in this story.
What you didn't know was how wrong you were.
Chrollo's hand rose, came to rest at the base of your hair and slowly brushed your hair down.
"It's alright, you're safe with me." He whispered.
You didn't even realize you started crying.
The tears ran silently from your eyes.
You weren't even sure if it was still the shock that made you cry or if it was the pain in your heart knowing you could never have a life with Chrollo.
But you couldn't tell him that, you couldn't confess your feelings to him.
You were afraid of it, and several other things you couldn't really name.
Mainly because you thought you knew what Chrollo was going to say.
He was a reasonable man and he would tell you exactly what you told yourself: that it was impossible.
But maybe he would also tell you, and that was your greater fear, that he didn't feel like you did.
Even if you weren't very sure about your feelings and didn't know him that long, you were sure that you couldn't just live without him.
Everyone you had in your life before lived far away from you and in this town you didn't know anyone except for your boss and your annoying colleague Hisoka.
You were basically alone, only Chrollo was with you and you couldn't just let go of him.
You couldn't bear the loneliness it would bring.
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