Chương 4: Act I: Chapter II — The Feeling of Guilt
Of all the cruel tricks fate plays on a person, none is more devastating than unrequited love.
© Maxim Gorky
[One year ago — 1993...]
It was midday on a weekend in autumn—still warm and bright like summer. The sun gently warmed the green lawns, where children were running around.
Their parents were keeping an eye on them—faces filled with fondness here and there. The green park with a fountain attracted many, and people came here with their families, hoping to take a break from everyday worries.
But even if crowds gathered here, he would still find her, recognize her among the unfamiliar faces. Yes, now they saw each other no more than a few times a month; yes, she had bound her life to another forever, but wherever he went, he would still seek her out.
Sheltering from the heat in the shade of a sprawling tree, she didn't notice him, an unexpected guest, at first. It wasn't until he got close enough that she realized.
"Well, hello!"
"Oh, Kariya!" Aoi looked up from her book, a restrained but welcoming smile playing on her lips. Her hidden sadness struck Kariya, his heart tightening with a foreboding feeling. He suddenly saw clearly that something was gnawing at Aoi. He wanted to ask what it was, to offer any help, but... he didn't dare. They weren't close enough for him to ask such personal questions.
"It's been three months, hasn't it? Your trip took longer than expected," Aoi remarked timidly.
"Ah, well, yes..."
In his dreams, he had imagined her warm smile a hundred times, but as soon as he saw Aoi in person, Kariya realized that he couldn't quite bring himself to look her in the face. It had always been this way, at least for the last eight years. And it would always be this way. He wasn't capable of earning her warm smile. Not here, not in real life.
His shyness always got in the way, muddling his thoughts. As usual, they greeted each other, exchanged pleasantries, and then he, Kariya, frantically searched for topics of conversation, but nothing came to mind, and they ended up in uncomfortable silence. It had always been like this. And it happened again.
To break the awkward silence, he started looking around for someone else to talk to. And he got lucky: among the other children on the lawn, a girl with two pigtails appeared. Still just a little child, but Kariya could already see the beauty of her mother in her.
"Rin!" Kariya called out to her and waved. Rin immediately noticed him, beamed with joy, and hurried toward him, skipping.
— Uncle Kariya! You're finally back! Did you bring me any presents?
— Rin, stop it! You shouldn't be like that!" her mother blushed with embarrassment, but Rin seemed not to hear. Her eyes were bright with anticipation. Kariya smiled and took out two gifts. He handed one to Rin, and she exclaimed:
It was a brooch made of beads of different sizes, and Rin immediately took a liking to it. It might seem that such trinkets are of little interest to girls her age, but Kariya could see that Rin's tastes were beyond her years.
— Thank you, Uncle Kariya! You always know what to give! I'll take very, very good care of it!
— Ha-ha. Uncle Kariya is just glad you like it.
He reached out and started to pat Rin's head while looking around for someone else he wanted to give the second gift to. But she... was nowhere to be found.
— Where's Sakura?
As soon as he asked, the smile vanished from the girl's face. Rin seemed to mentally distance herself.
It seemed as if she had recently been forced to understand something terrible and insurmountable, but still didn't grasp it, so she decided not to think about it at all.
— Sakura... isn't here anymore, — Rin replied in a flat tone, with an empty expression. Then, afraid that Uncle Kariya might ask her something else, she dashed off toward the children playing on the lawn. Kariya stood frozen in place. Confused, he silently asked Aoi with his eyes, but she... didn't even look at him. She was staring off into the distance, at nothing.
— She's not here anymore... What does that mean?
— Sakura is no longer my daughter or Rin's sister, — Aoi replied dryly, but firmly. Much more confidently than Rin. — She's now with the Matou family.
Matou... The name was familiar. Painfully familiar with its horrors. So revolting that the mere mention of it made his heart ache as if pierced by needles.
— Why? How should I understand this, Aoi?
— Why do you ask? Don't you understand it yourself? You should know first of all," she turned away completely.
No trace of friendliness.
Her voice became colorless, and her tone—very cold, like steel. — The Matou need an heir with magical abilities, a descendant of true magi. If anyone should know that, it's you."
— But how... how could you allow it?
— He decided. As an old friend, he granted the Matou family's request. After all, he is the head of the family... My opinion doesn't matter.
And still, Kariya couldn't understand, it just didn't make sense to him. As an old friend? Just like that, to deprive a mother of her daughter, to separate sisters?
But Aoi and little Rin had to live with this fact.
Such is the fate of everyone born into a family of magi. These are the laws they live by, and Kariya knew about them firsthand.
— And you're okay with this?" Kariya suddenly asked angrily. In response, Aoi only smiled helplessly.
— I was prepared for this when I accepted the proposal to enter the Tohsaka family and become the wife of a magus. I accepted my fate. If you bind yourself to a magus, you can forget about simple family happiness."
Kariya was about to protest somehow, but Aoi gently but firmly stopped his attempts:
— In any case, we're talking about the affairs of the Tohsaka and Matou clans. You've renounced the magical path and are no longer involved with us," she finished, shaking her head.
Kariya was petrified. It was as if he had taken root, like the great tree in the park. Inside, everything was twisting with pain, horror, and helplessness.
He and Aoi had known each other since childhood, they were like brother and sister.
Being three years older, Aoi always spoke to him casually and sometimes affectionately.
They cherished this relationship through childhood, adolescence, and even when Aoi got married and had two daughters. But now, she wanted to draw a line between them. To show the coward where his place was.
— If you see Sakura, please take care of her. She's grown so attached to you."
Aoi watched Rin with exaggerated attention—she had forgotten everything, was playing with other children, as if wanting to dispel the sadness.
But Kariya could see the clear drops of tears forming at the corners of Aoi's eyes.
She couldn't hide them.
Kariya walked briskly through the quiet streets of the foothill district, hoping he would never see them again. Once, he had vowed never to come here, and even if he visited Fuyuki, he had decided that under no circumstances would he cross the bridge...
Ten years had passed, but everything around him was still the same. The neighboring New District was rapidly growing and developing, while the foothill district seemed frozen in time.
Every detail was exactly as Kariya remembered.
But nothing pleasant, no bright memories remained. One single phrase he had thrown in Aoi's face kept spinning in his mind: "And you're okay with this?" What was he even thinking? Hadn't she suffered enough already? Kariya hadn't expected such rudeness from himself.
Once, he had decided to live quietly, not bothering anyone, not arguing with anyone. He had left his hatred and anger in this time-frozen district.
As soon as he left, nothing touched his soul anymore. All the vile and disgusting things faded away when he remembered what he, Kariya, had to endure in his childhood home...
He had spoken with such anger perhaps only once before, eight years ago. And he had said the same thing, in the same tone. He said it to Aoi. It happened the day before her wedding, when she could still refuse to take the Tohsaka name. Kariya would never forget her face that evening.
In her gaze—confusion, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. She kept trying to find words of comfort, to explain something to him, but she couldn't and just nodded. And Kariya, swayed by her confusion and smile, backed down: — I've accepted my fate. If you bind yourself to a magus, you can forget about simple family happiness.
But that was a lie, a pure lie! Back then, eight years ago, she accepted the proposal from a young magus hoping to finally arrange her happiness. It was clear from her embarrassed smile. Kariya believed that with this man, she would find the happiness she desired, and so he stepped aside. He thought that maybe, only in marriage would she be happy.
But how wrong he was! Now Kariya understood that he had made a fatal mistake.
He had once dabbled in magic himself, tasted its bitter cup to the very last drop, and then abandoned his clan, his brother, and left town for good.
But there is no escaping the horrors of magic. Kariya had tried—fled as far as he could—and yet, it seems, he hadn't gone far enough.
Moreover, he hadn't just left anyone behind; he had abandoned the most important person in the magical world. Regret gnawed at his soul.
Not once, but twice now, he had failed Aoi, throwing her situation back in her face like a coward: — And you're okay with that? — He should have stood his ground and said, — This isn't going to happen!
If only he, Kariya, had had the courage to object, Aoi might have had a different future. If she hadn't been married, she wouldn't have been bound by the Tosaka family's rules. She could have lived a peaceful and happy life.
And today... if Kariya had spoken out, cursed at Mato and Tosaka, Aoi might have been angry, scolded him, even driven him away for meddling.
But at least she wouldn't be carrying this heavy burden alone, holding back her tears with all her might.
Kariya couldn't forgive himself for making the same mistake twice.
So, he would return to his father's home, confront the forgotten horrors of his past, and accept that as his punishment.
It's the only way he could find redemption.
Yes, facing the very thing he's been running from all this time, the danger he's been trying to shield his fragile life from, is the only way forward.
But this time, Kariya would face his fears.
The sun's rays struggled to penetrate the gloom of the room, furnished with expensive European-style furniture.
A smiling young man sat on a leather sofa, opposite an old man who looked like a reanimated corpse, his scowl deepening the shadows on his face.
His appearance could easily frighten even a self-assured man if encountered suddenly at night, but that was part of the local lore.
— Mato-san, I heard a little rumor, and I found it so remarkable, so shocking, that I was truly moved by your wisdom and kindness. — The young man's crooked smile exuded the softness and gentleness of a well-bred scholar, seemingly sincere.
Yet a flickering shadow revealed a predatory grin, though it might have been a trick of the mind—at least to the average observer.
The old man raised his eyebrows slyly and replied calmly, — Yes, what can we old men do, living out the last of our days? The young have forgotten how to respect their elders—irresponsible and lazy…
The young man interjected, "And so, you, the eldest, decided to perform such a noble deed, taking in a poor girl from the Tosaka family and even agreeing to give her the Mato clan's heritage. What was the crime of your descendants?" Though he tried to encourage the old man to relax, the latter merely continued with a quiet cluck:
— Take my son, for example—he's a coward and a useless piece of my flesh and blood! He left everything behind and went off on his own, doesn't even want to visit this poor old man, not even once to see my old bones…
— Yes… — The man glanced at the withered figure before him and held back from mentioning that Zoken himself was to blame.
As if amused by some private thought, the young man chuckled, which caught Zoken by surprise. He explained, "Oh, forgive my bad manners, but a little bird whispered to me about an upcoming guest at this manor. I'm certain he'll want to discuss many things with you, Mr. Mato Zoken. — As he finished, the young man's warm smile faded, casting the already gloomy room into a frigid chill.
Mato grinned wickedly, and, guessing who the guest might be, he picked up his cane. "Yes, my young friend, you're quite right. Even a disrespectful brat can do great good if you guide him properly… I'm sure a warm, cozy father's home will warm his broken heart, haha…"
The young man rolled his eyes. — Oh, yes, it's certainly warm and cozy here, especially down in that hole…
— It's nothing! — The nasty old man, barely able to move his legs, waved him off dismissively.
The young man straightened his tie and brushed off his pants, as if afraid of catching something from the old man. — And they say people don't change… Maybe some don't, no… People just settle for the status quo, afraid of change… You're still too soft, Mr. Mato.
Watching the young man depart, the old man muttered absently, — I'm just curious how long you'll keep wandering this earth… Has desire so clouded your once-bright mind? — He sighed calmly, with a faint touch of pity.
After a brief altercation with the servants at the door, Kariya was unceremoniously ushered into the living room. The furnishings were painfully familiar, as was everything in Mato's mansion. He sat down on one of the couches and waited.
— I thought I made it clear I never wanted to see your face again, — muttered the hunched old man as he lowered himself into the chair opposite him.
In front of Kariya sat the head of the family, Mato Zoken. His emaciated body, with its withered hands and bald skull, made him look like a mummy, but in his deep-set black eyes, like small pearls, there burned an unquenchable flame.
The old man's implacable demeanor and unyielding poise cast a heavy, suffocating atmosphere that chilled to the bone. No one knew exactly how old Mato Zoken was. In the genealogical records, Kariya and his brother were listed as his sons.
Yet, by some strange coincidence, both his great-grandfather and his great-grandfather's father had borne the same name—an impossibility, it seemed.
No one had ever managed to uncover how many generations Mato Zoken had controlled the reins of power. The methods he used to keep his withered body alive were too grotesque to contemplate.
Kariya despised his father, viewing him as nothing more than an undead specter—a monstrous abomination.
— A rumor has reached me that cannot be ignored. It seems the House of Mato has reached a new level of depravity,— Kariya began, his voice steady despite the storm of emotions within. He knew all too well that he was facing an exceptionally cruel and powerful mage—the embodiment of all his fears, hatred, and loathing. Yes, he feared the old man, but the threat of death could not deter him, nor could it force him to speak with respect or without contempt. It was this courage, born from disgust, that had once given him the strength to defy his father, to spit on family traditions, to leave home, and break free.
— You took Tosaka's youngest daughter. Is this your final, pathetic attempt to continue the Mato bloodline? — Kariya's accusation made Zoken's eyebrows twitch in anger.
— And you've come to reproach me? Look at you, daring to speak out! Need I remind you whose actions have put our family's future in jeopardy? That worthless son of Byakuya has been stripped of his magical lineage! It's as if a curse has fallen upon our entire family! But you, Kariya, even though you were the younger, had far more potential. You were meant to be the heir, to master our ancient arts, but it was all in vain! You insolent wretch! You're plotting to ruin our glorious clan! — The old man's fury grew with each word, until he was nearly foaming at the mouth.
But Kariya remained unfazed. He hummed dismissively and cut his father off.
— Enough of this nonsense, you vile bloodsucker! Your lamentations are meaningless. You couldn't care less whether the Mato dynasty survives or not! All you want is to last another 200 years—or better yet, a thousand.
His words struck a nerve. Zoken grinned predatorily, the grin of a wild beast with no humanity left in it.
— Look at you, still throwing things in my face, as always."
— Courtesy of your upbringing," Kariya retorted coldly. "So don't try to deceive me with your grand speeches."
A wet cough erupted from the old man's throat instead of a reply. — You're right. I'll outlive you and Byakuya's offspring. Perhaps more than one generation. But I'll do whatever it takes for the House of Mato, for it has no need of descendants—only magicians to claim the Holy Grail.
— So that's your game," Kariya muttered, realizing the old man's true intention: eternal life. And what better way to achieve that than with the Grail? That's why the beast inside Zoken Mato had not yet given up—its insatiable thirst for the all-powerful artifact drove it onward.
— The sixty-year wait ends next year. But Mato has no one for the Holy Grail War. Byakuya has no magical talent and can't command a Servant. He hasn't even obtained the Command Spells yet. No matter. We may skip the fourth war, but even after another sixty years, we'll still have a good chance of winning. Tosaka's daughter has shown exceptional abilities since she was a child. With such a valuable asset, we can hope for success."
Kariya closed his eyes, and in his mind's eye, he saw the image of Tosaka Sakura—a weak, frail girl who lagged behind her sister Rin in physical development but tried her best to imitate her.
No, Sakura was too young to bear the burden of a mage in the Holy Grail War.
Before responding, Kariya forced himself to suppress the rising tide of anger.
The last thing he could afford when dealing with Zoken was to let his emotions take control. That would lead to nothing good.
— So, all you want is the Grail. Then you don't need to involve the girl, — Kariya said, his voice carefully measured.
The old man squinted, sensing a hidden motive.
— What are you suggesting?
— I'll make you a deal, Zoken. I'll participate in the fourth Holy Grail War as the representative of the Mato family, and you'll release Sakura. — The old man seemed momentarily surprised but quickly snorted in disdain.
— Don't be absurd. To master our arts, you needed to practice daily until now. And you think you can learn to command a Servant in a year?
— What about the secret arts of our family? What about the vaunted Crest Worms? — Kariya stared directly into the old man's eyes, refusing to back down. The stakes were now higher than ever. — Implant the Crest Worms in me. After all, I have Mato blood running through my veins. My body will accept them more readily than a fragile girl from another family.
At that moment, Zoken's face lost every trace of humanity, becoming a true embodiment of a heartless mage.
— Have you, Kariya... decided to say your final goodbyes to life?
— Are you concerned, Father? — Kariya's voice was calm, yet it carried the weight of his determination. Zoken finally seemed to grasp the depth of his son's resolve. He gave Kariya an icy, penetrating stare and murmured deeply.
— I must admit, your abilities aren't much better than Byakuya's, but there's still a glimmer of hope. The Crest Worms can strengthen your magical circuits, perhaps turning you into a decent mage within a year. But I still can't fathom what the girl means to you if you're willing to go this far."
— A true Mato pursues his goals independently, without relying on outsiders.
— Ah! So you're a compassionate man, are you? — The old man's face twisted into a malicious grin, capturing the vileness of his soul with unnerving accuracy. — You know, Kariya... you really shouldn't have involved outsiders, but what's done is done. Do you even realize how long Tosaka's daughter has been under my care?
A sudden wave of despair swept over Kariya, freezing his blood. His heart clenched painfully in his chest.
— You... despicable degenerate.
— For the first three days, the girl screamed and cried incessantly. By the fourth day, she fell silent. I tossed her back into the pit today, just to test the toy's resilience. And wouldn't you know it? After half a day of being tormented by the worms, she's still breathing. The legacy of the House of Tosaka speaks for itself!"
Kariya trembled. His burning hatred flared into an unbearable bloodlust. He wanted to kill the old man right then and there.
He wanted to seize Zoken's withered neck and squeeze it with all his strength until it snapped.
But Kariya restrained himself, knowing full well that despite the old man's frail appearance, he was more than capable of retaliating. As a mage, killing someone in a confined space, from which there was no escape, would be child's play for him. To attack openly would be suicide.
If Kariya wanted to save Sakura, he had to make concessions. Zoken, seeing through his son's internal struggle, seemed to savor it. Once he was certain there would be no resistance, he grinned wickedly and rumbled:
— So? What do you say now? The worms are crawling all over her, gnawing at her flesh day and night. The poor girl's probably beyond her limits by now. But if you still want to save her, well, I won't stand in your way."
— I haven't changed my mind. Do your worst," Kariya replied in a flat, colorless voice after a moment of meek silence. There was no other answer he could give.
— Excellent, excellent! Let's proceed, then. But be warned, the girl won't see the light of day until you show me results. I'll continue to raise her as I see fit, — Zoken rasped, his voice filled with sadistic pleasure. He took delight in toying with Kariya's emotions, reveling in the helplessness and despair of others.
— You see, unlike you—the traitor—I view the girl as a far more promising candidate. My sights are set on success in the next War, so I'm willing to forgo this one. But if, against my expectations, you manage to bring me the Grail... Well, then I'll wash my hands of it. In that case, I'll have no need for Tosaka's daughter. She'll endure her suffering for a year and then leave this nest."
— Will you keep your word, Mato Zoken?
— Kariya, my son, before you doubt me, you must first endure the Crest Worms. Be a bed for my pets for a week, and if you don't lose your mind or die, then I might believe you'll keep your promise."
Leaning heavily on his cane, Zoken struggled to rise from his chair.
As he loomed over his son, a devilish grin once again spread across his face.
— Well, let's not delay. I'll begin the preparations immediately... However... if you're thinking of backing out, this is your last chance.
Kariya shook his head. His doubts had long since been cast aside. He knew that by allowing the worms into his body, he would become Zoken's puppet, forever unable to defy him. But in doing so, Kariya would unlock the extraordinary abilities of a mage, and the Holy Grail would choose him as a rightful participant. The Holy Grail War was his only chance to save... Tosaka Sakura.
His current, mediocre body was incapable of anything else. But the price for this chance was his very life: even if he survived the battles against other Masters and Servants, the Crest Worms would devour him within a few years.
But none of that mattered. He had realized too late what he should have done years ago. If he had acted sooner, Aoi's daughter might have lived a peaceful life with her mother.
Instead, the cruel fate he had tried to escape had befallen an innocent girl.
There was no way to atone for such a sin.
The only way to make amends was to give Sakura a bright future—a future as a human, not a mage. To do that, Kariya had to eliminate six rivals and claim the Holy Grail.
And one of those rivals... he would kill with great pleasure. The one who had sent Sakura into this hell. He was sure that man already had the Command Spells on his arm.
— Tosaka... Tokiomi!
Beyond his longing and guilt for Aoi, and his deep-seated hatred for Zoken, another emotion had been simmering in Kariya's soul for years—one he had desperately tried to suppress. It was the thirst for revenge. And now, that fire was raging within him, growing stronger by the day.
— Of course, you can't do anything for the one you love... — murmured the man, observing the scene from another room, his voice laced with a mocking chuckle. The vile old man, Zoken, had seen the desire buried deep within Kariya's timid heart and had twisted it for his own selfish ends.
But where that unfulfilled desire might lead... the thought made the man's lips curl into a sly smile.
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