Chương 26: State of mind

Left alone tattered in the room with a cut on her left cheek. Blood flowed down onto her lips. While the metallic taste seeped into her taste buds, Emilié thought why she had to go through all those shits.

Can they not leave her alone living her life. It is not like she was bothering anyone, so why were they always finding trouble with her?

Everyone has something to nitpick about her, the adults, the innocent minded children with their cute and naïve thoughts, her own grandfather and even her own sister, whom should have understood Emilié better since they grew up together.

It was puzzling like a jigsaw, howsoever she turns over this piece of uncertainty in her mind, she can't place it anywhere.

Why?

Emilié just doesn't comprehend the reason, for all the heartless actions and situations she gets in. Although the reason lays mostly because of her.

She wishes deeply from her heart that she will be accepted and loved but her aura from birth on was and still is cold and passive, that brings to everyone a distance between them, teling them 'stay away from me'.

Which wasn't making her loveable at all.

Then came a day where she had to recognize she wasn't getting any love like how she wished it to be.

She then in her head hypnotized herself that she only wanted to have a 'peaceful' life, minding her own business, but, she forced herself on this position so violently, that the distance to her present family grew undismissable.

It may be true that many outside forces played a role in her getting all this hate and dislike, yet she could have resolved it easily with only some words. In the end everything leads back to communication which was her main problem.

If she communicates, talks what she minds, what she dislikes, Valentin would be able to change too, that girl wasn't that unreasonable.

She was just overwhelmed with all those expectations and pressure on her in such young years, it was only about time she snapped with her uncontrollable jealousy and clouded her head that Emilié had a better life then her; when that was not the case.

This was a completely normal reaction from a child, who doesn't know better to cope with everything the adults onload them with.

The stress eats her rationality, her sensibility shots high and makes her lightly irritable to everything around her. And since Emilié was a girl too and of the same age, she always had someone to compare herself with.

She had classes everyday, from eating manners to studying etiquette, to playing the violin. And Emilié! She? She didn't have to do any of that! Valentin always had to display a certain image her mother choose, but again, Emilié didn't have to, she could live her life how she wanted to.

So in her mind Emilié deserved every misdeed she did to her, until this day where she went overboard with it.

Valentin was just a pitiful child caged by the many expectations that were put on her tiny shoulders from all sides.

But now! Coming back to the real problem, Emilié's consciousness. Her state of mind, from the start on it was a total mess to the point she can't properly analyse her environment and make appropriate decisions for herself, which an adult of 23 in mind should be able to do, with all the experience that age would bring with it.

But with more years progressed in, it was like her state of mind regressed instead of maturing and she somehow genuinely fell in the role of a helpless and fragile five year old child.

She should have stopped letting others bully her to such extent, she had to step up before it became a habit and integrated in the normal routine of the people who had regularly contact with her. But as the resolve to change came and to do something for herself a fear broodled up in her heart.

She curled herself in to a ball, grabbing her legs tightly with her arms, digging her nails into her flesh to suppress that fear with pain.

What if she is going to be abandoned?

What if... she is going to be alone again, like her mother left her alone...with, with that man.

She was afraid. Afraid of, when she comes out, that this little cocoon she build for herself cracks and something bad happens to her. She had to take little steps, one by one, for herself to fully unfold from the darkness that wrapped her to a suffucating point.

She was too afraid that something was going to go bad that she couldn't take this little steps for herself to turn around the bullying to a positive point.

However, the reason she wasn't breaking until today, was because of the cocoon she made for herself.

If there was really a possibility to see improvement for this unstableness, then it was to take it by the roots of all her problems for her emotional chaos. And that was someone from the outside to heal her, hold her and reassure her that everything bad she lived though is over and bring her back to the present.

She was sitting there quivering from the cold that swallowed her from inside and outside her head swirling in the pool of depression.

It was like she sat there for half an eternity, when in actual, only a few minutes passed by.

Then she heard the door opening and closing, followed by a 'click' sound that indicated for the door being locked off.

This wasn't a good sign but Emilié had no care for it nor for her life's safety, she wanted right now for everything to end. Life should stop torturing her with his stupid decisions.

No it should stop in general!

Valentin's aggrieved posture let Emilié doubt her life. When her whole existence was only hurting...

then it is better off being gone.

She never even asked for a second chance in life, she was fine with her death.

It was everything that shity Fate's decision afterall.