Chương 10: Chapter 10: The false mariage
In the study room.
While she was charging the cell phone, she exhaled a loud sigh of exasperation. She never thought the day would come when she could reveal her true feelings to him.
It was difficult to struggle with one's self. She was not a self-deprecating kind of person. She was neither too little nor too much, and she did not have to prove herself to anyone. Maybe she was a more conservative type of person.
Becky was looking back on the long-ago days of her youth. She thought of her school days when she felt the hardest. She had to study and go to work at the same time. Although she was bullied by the older girls at school, she didn't even harbor a grudge against anyone. Also, when she grew up a bit, she understood better the true value of money. In business, though she had to work with trading partners, she no longer felt inferior like before. But, whenever she met Elias, she would try to stand up for her boss, but she just was not confident enough. Obviously, she knew he was not her type of person. Because a man like him should marry a beautiful, gentle woman who was good at cooking, not her. Therefore, it was difficult for her to balance the inequality of treatment for him and her.
She used to believe in marriage and thought he used to love her. However, time could change all the things she once believed. Three years of courtship and now, ten years into marriage, she would have to admit that she was tiring of it.
Obviously, it was just a false marriage. Although he married her because he did not want to lose face and refused to admit he had made the mistake of falling in love with the wrong person, she accepted to become a replacement for his first love because she was really broken-hearted when seeing him in pain and sadness.
She wandered about like a lost soul while staring at the screen of the phone.
Everything was nice at the dawn of love. However, love would not obey her expectations. Skepticism had kept her from believing in true love - one that was pure and enduring. If she did not find out that Elias sent money home year after year to help her family, she would feel more comfortable. She still thought she was his benefactor. Unfortunately, she found herself from the position where she had to be very nice to him and always helped him with lots of things to the poor person who needed his help.
She discovered she was just a mere tool, an innocent pawn in the hands of him. Maybe a messiah could be spontaneous and childish in front of the person he liked. However, a piece had no business to do this, because she was just a pawn for this mutually beneficial trade.
After so many years, whenever he was standing in front of her, he constantly terrified her with his presence and she was all thumbs. The words would be awkward, stilted because of her embarrassment, though they seemed sincere. She felt like she owed him and was not good enough for him. And day after day, time passed away. He became her boss, and she quickly got into the swing of things.
The secure grasp made her resume spirits. She took the velvet box out of her pocket. Then she surreptitiously shoved it in a drawer which contained old court papers. Becky hoped he would never find out about this new pair of rings. She would never admit that she was afraid. She encouraged herself that the timing was just not right and she would find the time to give him the ring.
She was kneeling at her dressing table, closing the drawer slowly and her eyes were dazzling, but her face had lost its color within twenty seconds. And as she stood up, he caught sight of her reflection in the mirror.
Facing her pallid reflection in the mirror, it forced her to admit that she was lying to herself. It was a woman, her uniform immaculately smart and knife-edge pressed, looking as though she had never been to bed. She did not wear plastic-rimmed glasses anymore. Instead, she wore gold-rimmed frames. She was no longer as rustic as she was. She had changed so much in the last ten years. However, nothing could change her love for him.
Meanwhile, Elias paced back and forth in the living room, almost unintentionally looking at the closed door of Becky's room. He wanted to knock on the door, but he didn't know what to say after seeing her face. This waiting and worrying really tied him in knots. He even saw every cloud of smoke as a little confused thought released into the air.
Although he and Becky had been together for eight years, something was wrong with their marriage. They did not seem to communicate anymore. He felt that there was a distance between them. They even talk a lot less than they used to. They just often talk to each other about their work. But when he would like to talk to her in private, she would not even speak to him.
In addition, she was always avoiding him. He knew her job was very hectic, with lots of stress and trouble, and she always took it. She had her hands full and had lots to do, which was exactly busier—compared with him, at least. Therefore, she hardly ever stayed at home. He even thought she did not like being in the same room as him.
He didn't understand why their marriage life became worse and worse. That made him really offended. There was nothing sadder in this life than to watch someone he loved did not love him anymore. To watch the distance between your two bodies expanded until there was nothing left but space and silence.
Obviously, he was her husband, but she treated him as though he was her master. He was worried, so worried, that someday she wanted to institute divorce proceedings. If she left him, the bottom would drop out of his world. Because his one fear in life was the fear of her leaving, he would be heartbroken and don't want to live anymore.
It was not just negative self-talk; it was the voice of the future. But he knew if he kept thinking negatively, he would get worse. So, he stopped thinking nonsense, shaking his head and sighed. Then he left the living room and rushed into the bedroom.
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