Chương 45: Too much on my mind
Dani was being colder than the arctic. It was as if I was a wall to her. She paid me attention whatsoever which is warranted. Again the weight of her feelings fell on me and as I always feel the need to consider it. It wasn't just Daniela's ice wall I was faced up against but as well as Lorel's fiery eyes piercing my soul. Her glare was harsh and I feel like I'm physically in pain.
"You okay over there? You are kinda cold-sweating."
"Am I?" I passed my hand over my forehead and didn't even realize I was sweating that much. I probably sweated out my hair gel. "Give me a minute." I excused myself off to the bathrooms, the working ones this time to fix myself. I don't know why I was getting inside my own head this much. I was already overwhelmed and they haven't done much yet. No voting took place yet only first impressions and they haven't even asked the girls any questions yet.
What Saintclair mentioned earlier stuck with me and now I was rethinking things. Maybe everyone thought that of me. Do I need to be more assertive? Did I always do that? Block out the bad parts. I guess it's a defense mechanism thing, I talked about this with Kady before and she said it's expected but is it normal. I feel like I'm beginning to seem see-through like everyone except me knows me.
I whip out my handkerchief and wipe away the stray sweat bullets on my forehead. I could see in the mirror the back of a head that looked familiar but I kept my mouth shut and pretended like I didn't see them. He did look good today in his Chocolate suit but why would I mention that to him when we both already were in a compromising position.
"I can feel your eyes on me." Christian mutters, turning his head slightly. I just kept my mouth shut and ignored him. "I don't really care if you stare, it's just unsettling." We haven't seen each other since the painting drama. He looked the same but didn't feel the same. "Stop staring at me weirdo."
"Sorry." I muttered.
"Can we break the ice already? You saw the painting, you heard what I had to say, don't be awkward." How can I not be? He made everything this way. If he was upfront everything wouldn't have been so muddled. I hardly hurt but the others might be.
"I don't think that can happen. Come on Christian, you used people with no feelings involved of course it's not something I can overlook. You ruin the best time of my life because of your twistedness. Come on, how do you expect me not to take it well?" Was he not even phased by the fact he lost a girlfriend over this? "What does Elenore think?"
"Who cares what she thinks?" Is he for real? "I didn't really…." It was as if he was contemplating what he was about to say was appropriate to say. "I use to care, she was sweet, she had a big heart but I didn't really enjoy what we had. She's not my type honestly." He laughed off what he was saying while I stood there pissed. This guy not only stole but led on my ex for so long and didn't care and was now laughing about it irked my soul. His face was irking my soul, his presence irked my soul. "I hoped you liked the painting. I think it captured you well. Took me really long to work on it and to see you hate it makes me sad." I didn't want to listen to him anymore because if I heard just a second more of his yapping I might become the next Renee.
It's not like the painting wasn't good, I'm amazed at what he did but the artist is a horrible person so why praise him? Isn't praise encouragement? If I didn't know what I knew I probably would be contemplating his confession constantly. It's the same case with Aaron as well when I think about the clips I remember who he truly is.
"Please go fuck yourself." Today was supposed to go well instead I feel like I was thrusted back into before summer again where I feel kinda alone in everything. Everyone is sketchy and no one is trying to see my side. I then again feel like an outsider not because I happen to live differently than everyone but I'm just not like them. I keep cursing myself and trying to fix my state of mind but no matter what I still feel the same way. I just shouldn't have come. Maybe I could quietly and covertly leave if I go through the back entrance. I know this was going to be publicized as publicity for the school and my absence might look bad because I was a big part of Saleena's court but I just had to dip.
"Why are you home?" I sat still in my suit with a bowl of cereal pouring into my mouth. Laverne's stern voice almost shook me up.
"I dunno."
"What do you mean you don't know? When I tuned in earlier I saw pictures of you walking in Lorenzo Mendez's daughter now you're here. What's going on?"
"I dunno…" I shrugged and as my eyes dragged over to her.
"You're not okay, okay what happened? Please talk about it." She sank down to be level with me. I could tell she was actually busy with the way she was dressed and she probably just stopped off at home before going back to work so I didn't want to burden her with my problems.
"I'm fine, go back to work." My phone was blowing up but I could find it in me to care. I probably should have sucked it up and stuck around even if I was in a bad mood but I couldn't see the point of torturing myself to keep someone else I had no real feelings other than pity for. I just couldn't care and I feel like I shouldn't be there. No one was gonna miss me other than Saleena and her court. I probably looked like the bad guy because I left without a word but it's better than excuses. I feel bad for Saleena though. It seems like she likes me.
Intense knocking from the front door alerts me from my dozing off I was having on the couch. Still dressed in my suit which is now covered in wrinkles and crinkles I make my way to the door to see a shaken Aaron which is utterly surprising.
"Zayn, everyone was looking for you. Saleena said you left covered in a cold sweat and everyone was looking for you fearing the worst but you're here and you seem… fine." Why would they send him of all people to look for me?
"Yeah, I'm okay. Why did they send you?" It came off harsh not that I intended but I didn't care.
"Huh." I don't want to say I know about the recordings but when I think about him these days I just think of how fake he actually is. "What? Is this about when we talked in the car? Is this why you're avoiding me?" I rolled my eyes internally but I guess I did on the outside too because he seemed extremely upset.
"Not just that, just everything. I don't really wanna have anything to do with you to be honest. I just can't."
"Understandable, I respect that." He had more on his mind but he pushed that to the farest.
"Tell them I caught something. Act like I am in a bad condition. I know you're really good at lying so that isn't hard." I shut the door before I regret what I said but of course it still did make me feel guilty. I could never feel justified for saying what I said without thinking about how it might affect the other person. Despite popular belief of me being heartless I'll like to believe I had one there.
The thing is even if my mind is raging against him I still like him or the fabricated version he showed me. I still want to pretend he isn't that bad of a person. I kinda want to throw myself at him but that's a horrible idea. I know I might crack one day but I couldn't be that dumb.
The rings and dings of my phone didn't cease but continued on and it was becoming very annoying and interrupting my nap so I turned it off. This might cause something even bigger but who cares for now. I feel like a bad person and there isn't a scenario where me leaving doesn't look bad. Maybe I had to start my process all over again and fix all my quirks and problems. You could never truly fix yourself but a bit of tweaking helps a load.
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