Chương 2: Paroxysm
(n) an outburst of emotion or action
Everything just keeps feeling weird and awkward for Zayn. He currently stood in the school bathroom staring at himself. He felt slightly nauseous and excused himself to the bathroom. He held back, bile that was sitting in the back of throat. He was exhausted from stressing himself over something that would seem so small to others. He felt like the only taste in his mouth was vinegar and it felt guilt and shame. He didn't realize how much he was sweating until he took a double take in the mirror.
He didn't want to feel or look like he was losing his cool. He always came off calm, almost stoic so his panicked eyes seemed a bit out of character if anyone else saw him. Zayn turned on the tap at the sink he was standing at to let the water run. He splashed his face and tried to calm his emotions and expressions in the mirror. Once he became satisfied with his resting face he realized how long he was standing in the bathroom for. His legs carried him into the cafeteria where his friends sat around at their usual tables eating lunch together.
"You ok?" Daniela asked, patting him on the back as he took his seat. He eyed her and muttered a small yeah but she narrowed her eyes at him knowing he was hiding something but she would drop it for now.
One thing about Daniela is she knew when to drop topics but she always had his back. She was always trusting, maybe a little too trusting. She and Zayn had a complicated relationship which stems from their past romantic relationship. It's a "what are we?" Grey area thing. Their relationship could seem weird and or complicated depending on what lens you see it through. When you see them from the perspective of Zayn practically working under Daniela as somewhat as a babysitter in a way you would see the dysfunctional, unfair side of their relationship and unfortunately almost everyone at their school sees it that way. They thought of Zayn as someone using her to benefit when he in no way thought of that but you can't change people's mind when they already see you one way.
"Uh what were you all talking about?" He pulled forward the lunch he asked Lorel to buy for him before he disappeared.
"Our weekend plans of course. Were you not invited to Ebany Walker's Birthday Party?" No he hasn't. He was under the impression she didn't really like him or appreciated his reputation or just looked down on him in a way but he was mutual with her friends and all his friends seemed to be invited to this girl's party so why not crash? He wasn't interested in going but it could be fun. She didn't really have a reason not to invite him. Maybe he offended her in some way some time ago but he may never know.
"No, I wasn't"
"You weren't?" Harry asked with a surprised voice. This guy was very close to Ebany. If he wasn't eating with them he was over at her table which consisted of many members of the journalism club. Harry was a sketchy guy who snaked his way into Zayn's friends list. He hardly trusted him in any way and heard rumors that he was a backstabber but ignored it to give him the benefit of the doubt. There were also hints dropped that he could be part of the worst people at his school but Zayn didn't have time to care. "I thought everyone was, honestly."
"I don't wanna go anyway."
"Why?!" Daniela exaggerated. "C'mon it could be fun and we haven't done anything together for awhile." Zayn glanced at her pleading eyes but he wouldn't be moved by that. If he wasn't welcomed why show up?
"Hiiii!!" Zayn rolled his eyes as that annoying person who said that drawn out "Hiiii!!" approached the table. Elenore settled down by the table next to Christian who walked in with her. He didn't realize until but Elenore's voice was grating. If he had to rank her on his list of annoying voices she would come second because the first didn't stop talking. It was hard to tell when she was being genuine and ingenuine because Zayn couldn't tell their whole relationship but that was a story for another day. He didn't realize how much disgust was showing on his face when Christian and Elenore kissed until Lorel lightly slapped him on his cheek. Ugh he hates seeing all that sappy shit. He wasn't a fan of public pda. It made him sick.
"So what were yall talking about before we got here?" Elenore questioned.
"Ebany Walker's Birthday that Zayn wasn't invited to but we thought he could still crash but doesn't want to."
"I mean… Makes sense. Why go somewhere you're not wanted right?" Zayn just smiled but it was starting to settle in on his mind. Why The Fuck Does That Girl Not Like Him? It's not like he did anything to her directly maybe played with the feelings of one of her friends but he did nothing to her. This made him bitter.
"Yeah, why would I want to celebrate with someone who didn't even invite me?"
"Yeah! But to be clear I'm still going though even if you don't want to. We're all going right?" Elenore asks the rest of the group sitting at the table. The group didn't know how to answer and diverted their eyes from Zayn who they thought would be offended if they all said yes.
"Go ahead, I don't care." He did care but he didn't want to show that. He wasn't that type of person.
"I don't give a fuck either way." Lorel excitedly said ignoring Zayn who laid his head on the table as he pushed away his lunch tray.Zayn's mind was running wild with different thoughts compiling in his head.
"Are you sure?" Daniela asks as she passes a hand through his hair. All he did was nod.
Something about not being invited hurt his ego. Was he at the bottom of the totem pole now? Was he finished? Did people not care about him anymore? He knew everyone and everyone knew him and he was under the impression they all liked him but realizing that not everyone might not be in his favor started settling in.
The bell went off for the end of lunch and Zayn was the first to get up to leave. His friends eyed him strangely because he was the usual procrastinator but no one said a word. He went through his last two periods like water. He wanted the day to be over so he could go home and not break down in the middle of the damn school. He did not wait to say bye to his friends when the last bell sounded he just marched to his car and sped incriminating him just a little more.
Home was where his peace was, sometimes. Living as the youngest sibling is both a blessing and a curse. It's great to be doted on sometimes but sometimes you feel as if you are a burden and you only feel that way when things are phrased to you a certain way. His parents disappeared on them a year before he started highschool and that time period was something he either forgot or wishes not to recall. For some reason he blamed himself because now his sister had to move back home to pay attention to him and he could feel her energy. She didn't want to do this at all but was smiling through it. He feels like he kinda robbed her of her personhood but those were things he was too afraid to mention to her so he kept that to himself.
"Zayn fucking Snipes!!" His sister called him as soon as he stepped through the front door. He rolled his eyes not wanting to deal with her concern and prodding. He gets it she cares but it becomes a little too overwhelming sometimes. "Zayn Snipes we need to talk, Kay" He walked in the direction of her voice really not interested in speaking to anyone. "What was that last Saturday? You haven't been around enough for me to ask like you're avoiding me. Are you avoiding me?" She couldn't possibly be referring to when he accidentally violated his friend? "You just…" She made a gesture with her hands, a running stickman. "Ran out. For no reason. What the fuck was that?" He wasn't into explaining this especially to his sister. "You left your lil friend here. It was weird." He just couldn't form anything to say no witty thing to avoid just silence. "Please don't do that again please, it was alarming." He just nodded and walked away trying to end this conversation.
"Maybe he ran out to catch one of his lil girlfriends!" He could hear one the twins add from somewhere down the hallway.
"That's what I thought and he had on slides too." The other commented. His sister Laverne rolled her eyes.
"Kenji shut up."
"You shut up Toby!" Zayn rolled his eyes as he left for his room. Finally Silence. Finally no one asking him questions. When he's alone he's at peace.
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