Chương 53: Aftermath
I couldn't sleep… I couldn't close my eyes. I stayed wide awake all night. My mind kept going back again and again to what happened just hours ago. I grabbed my phone to check the time and realized it was way too late to even go to early morning practice.
"Zayn where the fu-" Laverne came into my room dressed like she usually did for work. She stood in my doorway inspecting me as I stared up at the ceiling in my pajamas. "You good?"
"Yeah."
"You seem ok. Did you sleep?"
"Nope." I turned my gaze over to her. "My eyes hurt but I can't close them."
"Well you should get some shut eye cuz it looks like you don't plan to go anywhere." I don't think I'm capable of that right now. I've tried but I just end up with my eyes wide open again, checking the time and staring at the blank ceiling. This was supposed to be my way of putting my mind past everything but that didn't happen. Instead I'm here thinking of him. I feel flustered and confused. I don't want to like him anymore. I thought I'll forget about everything but now he's on my mind. I feel like punching myself.
I grabbed my phone again to check my messages. Lorel left messages asking about how things went, asking really personal questions. I cringed while scrolling through her dms, I switched over to Saintclair who sent a receipt for the rest of the money. I forgot I was supposed to receive that.
I tried once again to close my burning red eyes but as I said I ended up twisting and turning and staying awake again. Fuck. I need to get this guy out of my mind.
I didn't usually go on early morning runs because I hated the harsh heat of the sun, random dogs owned by careless owners who were busy on their phones and kids who ran wild while their Stay at home moms try to forget about their existence. I didn't want to be annoyed by other people. I like the idea of solitude. I like being by myself. I enjoy the quiet, especially at the dead of night. I could push through though and just focus on running. I didn't have to interact with anyone.
"Where are you going?" One of the twins stepped out into the hallway with his phone held up to his ear as if he was on a call.
"To the park."
"K…" I don't know if my hunch is right but my siblings have been a bit more jumpy around me. I think it's because I seem more down lately but it's kind of annoying to have them this diligent around me. Tiptoeing this much in my presence. It bothered me. I was bothered by many things recently but they shouldn't bend backwards for me. I'm fine. I am trying to be fine. I don't like the idea of people worrying about me or me being bothersome in some way.
I like the idea of the air hitting me as I pass through it. I like focusing on moving rather than my constantly running thoughts that run in my head. I didn't like sticking in the past and I wasn't that type of person. I got over things pretty quickly. I never drilled on things. I could fall for someone, get what I want and move on like nothing but for some reason I still had a hard time moving on. I just want to get back to my normal groove of things. I feel like I was in a trance, I keep going back and back and never progressing past this. I wanna be back to the old me. Now I feel like I've changed. I'm flustered constantly, I give into my feelings, I think differently, I'm shy, I think of things differently. I want the bitter, arrogant, selfish, narcissistic me back.
I think I need to find a new focus. I need a new lover. I need a fresh start. Some may say that's entirely counter productive but it's my way of healing. I might restore some of my core personality traits. I'm not looking for much of a romantic relationship but someone to keep around and take my mind off things. I don't require much to stay happy.
Maybe Lorel can help; she could lead me in the right direction towards someone right for me and fitting my standards. I just need to get over Aaron and I should treat him like the plague while also trying to maintain a balance of unbotheredness. I just have to plan out my moves in advance. I found it particularly hard these days to do that. Before it was easy to plan ahead for anything but now it's as if my mind goes blank and I move on impulse. I just need to get it together and get over it.
I could have been doing so much more than drilling on the feeling I have for someone who may or may not have ever cared for me. I kinda wish he did though. I mean it's expected to feel that way when you crush on someone and at times it felt like he did though. I mean at the same time like I said Aaron was an amazing actor. He would have benefited more if he went to Crystal High rather than here as they are geared towards the performing arts. He might be a good politician one day because he could make you feel things even if he's faking. Oh my lord I'm still complimenting him. I feel like I should have pulled some sort of revenge on him and the rest of the chronicles. Like I don't know if I ruin their careers? Well it kinda already happened through Mormon exposing everything to the principal and a bunch of people into their mess.
I was to be called in because my name was called but I'm yet to get a call but people like Chantelle and Daniela were asked questions. Danie said she asked Chantelle what came up and he said to close that topic which makes me think he's involved. What if he's a chronicle member that wasn't included on the drive? How many people could be left out? I'm suspicious of him now but I've always been suspicious of Chantelle. He has no ties to anything. He has no motive to do anything he does other than spite. The case could be he's somebody's lapdog but I don't know. It's pure speculation. I don't want to accuse him of anything. If I'm thinking it, Danie might be on the same page but she might be too ashamed to bring it up with anyone yet.
I think these days I dig way too much into things and think everyone has some sort of suspicious motive behind it. I'm afraid of people getting close to me but at the same time I'm very welcoming and trust way too fast. I think I'm controlled by my ego. People get into my head by feeding into me and I trust them quickly. I need to stop this. I need to get in control of everything.
I really need to get my head in the game.
I know I'm not the most perfect person but I would like to fall in love again and I get it. I'm a highschooler and the love I get now is considered not real and in my head but I know what I used to feel once was love. I want to feel like that one day and it will be returned. I wish to be loved for real this time once again. I just want someone to see me and appreciate me. Think of me and consider me as a person. Forget about my past and be with the real me. I want that one day. I know it's not too much to ask but I'm treated like it is. I want a lot of things and this should be a simple basic request.
I think I take a lot of things for granted and if I just learn to heal and appreciate what I have, maybe I can find love or something like that. As you can see I'm so confused on how these things should go. It's not like I'm not trying to work on these things. I attend therapy sessions and exercises weekly and I'm still stuck like this for a while now. I still have the same problems. It's not like I'm ungrateful and don't care for others. I care way too much and that's where my weak points start to show. I like doing and saying the things people want to hear. I like pleasing others because I would hate for someone to be disappointed in me. I have a lot to work on and I'm trying and been trying but no one sees that.
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