Chương 124: Chapter 124 - I get it.
Slash! Xin's fingers buried deeper into the trunk of an elderly, half-rotten tree. His ethereal tiger claws extended, slowly working their way into the wood until, with a final twist, the tree snapped and fell with a loud bang. He stood over it, his breath as unsteady as his thoughts.
If it's half-dead, I should just kill it! I am freeing space for the new saplings, that's what the foresters always taught me…
Why do I mourn it, then? Why do I feel this unbearable grief towards an old piece of wood? I like to imagine myself an axeman, yet I am more akin to this tree itself, grandiose and useless, begging to be put out of its misery…
Xin sighed. Several more days of cultivation have passed, and despite the totem being much closer to manifesting now, he felt no relief. He still felt like an alien in his own skin — clearly not his body, but something else, completely detached from his soul and spirit.
An angsty spook.
From under the old tree's bark emerged a wave of insects. Centipedes, bark beetles and alike, crawling and scurrying about their business. Xin smirked. Several breaths ago, this tree was their world, yet they moved on now, leaving the memory behind. For a bug, there is no past or the future, not even the present. A bug just is. Curious, we may think bugs pathetic, but in this aspect, they're clearly superior to us.
Xin remembered squashing the Little Mantis yaoguai. Imagined his childish, smirking angular face beneath his insectoid mask, bleeding moments before his nose bridge was split in half.
I don't hate him, Xin realised, as if stung by clarity. He was just a bug, out of his depth. No one loved him, and humans are nothing without other people. The audacity to think otherwise creates monstrosities. Like… Me?
Chop! Another small tree fell, this time downed by a crescent metal qi infused kick.
What if Lei was correct? Isolation is not growth. There might be no Enlightenment, the ascesis is not a virtue by itself, just a prelude for a grand return. Still, I only realised this in seclusion. Ironic.
Xin stopped his exercises as his thoughts drifted, staring at the retreating bugs once again.
Little Mantis. He had no love to bind him, but what about me? Xin's heart jumped. I love my friends. My masters… But that's not it. I don't feel fulfilled. The closest person I have is Lei, yet sometimes we're worlds apart…
I need to fill this hole. Badly. The dagger in Xin's chest twisted again, almost as painfully as when he failed his first breakthrough.
True love is sacrifice. Comradeship is great, but is it comparable to the type of love that makes you sacrifice all you are to build something that's bigger than both of you? A family. A child.
Xin shivered. Me, a father? I'm twenty soon, it's about time to get married, but it feels weird. The world is a painful place, to pull Nothing out of the void and make it Something, is it not cruel? Especially with what's going to happen to our world.
An invasion of cultivators from another world. Who are they? Are they Clay Folk, like us? What language do they speak? What drives them? Do they love their children? What do they want? An average cultivator that's going to invade, are they a villain or a victim of circumstances?
Springvine jump! Woodcutter's Axekick! Xin left a deep dent in another old tree.
It doesn't matter, I'll cut them down nonetheless, loving fathers and aspiring prodigies alike.
A faint sound, somewhere far. A voice?
Qi infusion — hearing.
"Xin!"
Erdeni! All the thoughts vanished from his mind, filling it with warmth. He was embarrassed for a moment, but to be delivered from this mind prison was too grand of a relief to justify pushing it away. He grabbed a fat hare he caught on the outskirts of the steppe earlier this morning, then leaped towards the source of the sound.
When he arrived, Erdeni sat on a tree trunk, weaponless, staring at her reflection in the water ripples. It was windy. She raised her head, then spoke:
"Xin. Hope you don't mind me coming again."
She needs something. You'll get used.
At this point, do I care?
Xin shrugged, then slowly approached her. He then groaned lightly, and threw a hare towards her feet. Erdeni jumped up in surprise, but quickly sat down.
"Why give me this? Is it? Oh." Xin is giving her food, she realised. Much more than he took away the last time. Is he apologizing? "Thank you."
Xin felt too embarrassed to smile, so she just gave her a light smirk with a corner of his lips. There was so much he wanted to say, but having your soul torn to shreds wasn't worth it.
"You Clay Folk try to save face. That's why you took my food the last time. I am not angry at you, we are used to starving for days, a few hours on the way home is nothing."
Xin groaned in disdain. Don't belittle yourself to buy my favour, this is pathetic. He turned his back to her and sat on the lake's shore, putting his feet into the water. It's getting colder, just a few weeks and the water will be too cold to bathe in, even for me.
"Xin, is everything alright?" What is the purpose of this? Why is he angry? How am I supposed to reach him, if he sees through my intentions with such ease? Is my plan just wishful thinking? Cultivators are wise, and I have no leverage.
"Ugh." Xin made a guttural sound and tapped a patch of grass aside him. He then took a sizable leather strip out of his belt bag, folded it in two and laid it like a mat for Erdeni to sit on.
She hesitated for a second, but stood up, tense, approached and sat to his side.
"How gentlemanly." She smiled anxiously. Still, Xin's presence was weirdly comforting. "Thank you."
What now? Xin was confused about what his next action should be. He longed for human contact for so long, his only company the animals he killed and that disgusting totem skulking around his soul, but now that he got it, he didn't know what to do.
"Things are tough." She blurted out. He figured me out, he knows what I am doing, I shouldn't be saying this. "Sorry."
Xin handed her a piece of dried meat, along with some berries from his pouch. She took a handful of food, confused, and started munching on it, feeling pressured. She wasn't hungry, as this time she ate in advance, but it would be unwise to anger the host.
Xin smirked. Erdeni's nervous eating was too funny, he was probably too intense and caused her to feel nervous. He quietly let her finish eating, then waited for her to speak again. When she didn't, he gestured "continue" with his hand. Hope she gets it.
"You want me to speak?" She was puzzled. His vow was frustrating, but she knew he probably had it harder.
Xin nodded.
"Our tribe is beset from all sides. We don't have enough horses. The shaman that is teaching me isn't good enough herself. She loves me, but I also think she resents me for my gifts. Some young men fled and joined rival warbands, we don't have enough men… And my brother is still young and weak."
Xin nodded. What does this mean, Erdeni thought? "I know this", "it's tough", "I get it"? What's the point of this?
Xin gestured "continue" once again.
"Our banner was stolen. No one respects us. We are fleeing constantly, and the steppe traditions are the only reason no one descends upon us to pillage us. Still, the less reputation we have, the more likely it is that someone comes up with a false excuse to attack us, and everyone else will just let it slide. That's what I fear every day."
Xin stared into the water again. He pitied Erdeni, but a cynical thought made him snap out of this feeling. These people raided imperial border outposts for centuries, built pyramids out of infant heads, worshiped evil spirits and raided with no regard for our feelings. Just like any society, Erdeni's tribe was founded on violence. If they were stronger, they'd be doing the things Erdeni is fearing are going to be done to them. Being weak isn't a virtue by itself.
The only way to stop this is a benevolent monarch waving his scepter around, holding the weaklings in check… And there is no real reason to cry over her tribe's destruction. If they settled in imperial lands or joined another tribe, they'd be much safer. Happier? I don't know. Is happiness a meaningful category, anyway?
"I'm sorry, Xin. I am sorry if what I said made you upset. I don't know what you think, it's just… It's nice to talk to someone who isn't part of this whole thing. It's much harder to find, what's the word, solace, in someone who is in the same situation as you are. Thank you for listening."
Xin felt a melancholic note resonate through his soul. Erdeni's tribe was fading, his own hometown was in ruins, but their lives went on. Still, a part of them they cherished was dying, and nothing could replace it. A grim reminder that you, too, will die one day. He faced death so many times, brawled and danced with it, yet it was still something incomprehensible.
Nothing. No thoughts. When you sleep, at least you dream and breathe. No motion. All things you held dear, all the expectations — gone. There is no afterlife. Reincarnation of your soul isn't you. Your ghost is also just an echo. Life is a futile agony against nothing, I see it clear as day.
Erdeni squinted, worried. What's that on his face? I probably made him remember something sad. Should I apologize? What if… He gets me? And he reacted like this, because he read my soul? Am I that… Upsetting?
Erdeni gazed at her reflection in the water, only to catch Xin's reflection staring back at her. Startled, she jumped slightly, her heart racing.
Xin's face flushed with embarrassment. Right. If I can see her, she can see me staring. That's how reflections work, I am such a retard.
Please, just refine me already, the tiger totem groaned within. I can't endure this anymore.
Xin burst into hearty laughter, echoing through the glade.
"What?" Erdeni's confusion deepened. Is he profound and thoughtful, or just completely unhinged?
Xin rose to his feet, a mischievous glint in his eye. He channeled qi into his legs.
Qi infusion – expansion jump!
Without warning, he sprinted toward the lake, launching himself into the air with a powerful leap before nose diving into the water.
The water engulfed him, cold yet soothing. Darkness closed in, suffocating yet liberating at the same time. No hesitation — just pure, childish excitement.
I figured it out! Xin resurfaced, delighted.
"What happened, master Xin?" Erdeni decided to stay as polite as possible, in case he was dangerous.
Xin looked back at her then realised that he forgot to take his leather "jacket" off before diving, and it was all soaked. His heart skipped a beat, if the leather jacket spoiled, he'd have to jump through so many hoops again! Whatever. He took his clothing off and threw it on the shore.
What should I even tell her? I can't explain what I felt, what I understood! It's not about the thoughts, but about the attitude you channel! And I managed to capture just the right one!
How do I share it?
A thousand thoughts, but a childish impulse surfaced, stronger than each of them combined.
Splash! Splash! He walked closer to the shore and hit the shallow water with his foot, sprinkling a little rain at Erdeni.
"Ahhh! What are you doing?!" She jumped up, scared, but grabbed the hare before standing up.
Xin laughed again.
"I knew a guy just like you, caught a cold, it spread to his brain, he also became eccentric. I was talking about serious things, why did you splash me with water? What was your point?"
Xin splashed her again.
Erdeni stood up and walked away from the shore, towards her horse, who looked unbothered by the whole thing.
She's leaving! I am an idiot, got too excited! I guess she didn't share my sentiment…
Erdeni looked back at Xin, and there was a hint of something in her eyes. Am I imagining things, Xin thought?
A thousand thoughts flew in his head again. "Whatifs", "Whatabouts" and "Actuallys", yet they all felt insignificant. A moment later Xin held Erdeni by the hand.
Stay. I am alone. Not in this forest, in this life. I made my soul empty, because I couldn't bear what it was filled with. I want to breathe again. I want to snap out of this, and I don't know how. Please.
"What?" Erdeni's eyes were slightly wet, avoiding his gaze. "You want me to stay?"
Xin nodded, and took the hare. He pointed to his belly, then her. He then made a small spark with two Resonance Nails.
"You just fed me meat, why would I stay for a rabbit?" Erdeni smiled. Xin saw her little imperfections, but they didn't take away from her beauty.
Xin shrugged and smiled, disarming Erdeni. This guy. Knows the effect he has on women, how many hearts did he break?
Xin wiped the water drop flowing down her cheek. It looked like a tear, but was caused by his splashing. Him and the nomad girl were awfully close when he did it.
"That's too much, naked gentleman! I'll let you cook for me, but don't get touchy! I am a Skyfolk shaman, not one of your fancy city girls. Got it?"
Xin smirked and rolled his eyes. Let's make a campfire.
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