Chương 68: I Want To Hate You 1
Happy reading.
Neil saw the glass filled with milk transmit the warmth to his fingers clasped on the handle of the mug. Neil's eyes stayed there still not wanting to take his eyes off to see Sain who had been making a lot of noise through things to attract Neil's attention to him.
Neil formed his lips into a straight line and leaned his back on the chair. He could see his hair shading in front of his eyes, maybe Neil should cut it off, turning him like Skylar.
"Neil, why don't you want to say anything?" This time Sain said what he said out loud to Neil making Neil flinch a little. However, Neil didn't bother to answer what Sain asked at all because Sain already knew it.
"Why are you acting stupid again?" Sain's tone dropped he walked over to Neil and stood on his knees by Neil's side.
Neil blinked a few times hearing what Sain said, he somehow became very sensitive now and felt a sense of tightness when Sain said that even though Sain himself didn't mean it.
Sain's hand moved on Neil's fingers breaking his grip on the glass to replace it with Sain's hand. Neil stared blankly at the warm hands that wrapped around Neil's fingers. He wished that the warmth surrounding his hand would also spread to Neil's frozen heart, but it didn't.
Neil remained silent, locking his lips tightly letting Sain do whatever he wanted. When Neil told him that Neil was a toy for him, Sain didn't deny that at all. He instead left Neil somewhere, then Neil would make things easy for Sain by behaving according to what he intended.
Neil's life was also now useless and meaningless, he was broken and dirty what could be hoped for. He had no place to live and no family, there was only himself now. Neil couldn't pay to live here, so the only way was to spread his legs wide for Sain.
"You're about to kill yourself, Neil," he said rubbing the back of Neil's head where he should feel pain from his touch there. "You want to leave me here alone?"
Neil restrained himself from snorting. Here? he said.
Sain was not alone, there was a woman with him when Neil was sick at that time. Why can't he just be with him? Why Neil?
Neil himself wondered to himself, why did Sain let Neil go and let Neil stay on the streets then? Why did he bring Neil to live at Sain's house? Wearing Sain's clothes that are too big on Neil's body, sleeping in his room, using his bathroom, using his eating utensils. Just why Neil? What does he wait was the love that Sain meant, it seemed impossible. Because Sain lied.
Even though Neil himself gave all his heart and life to Sain at this time, it was impossible for Neil to get a similar reply from Sain. Sain himself did not expect such a thing.
"You were sitting in the water the whole time, and I found you passed out with a lot of blood. You don't know how I feel seeing you like that?" Neil could hear Sain's voice grow hoarse and thin when he reached the end of his sentence.
Sain is lying, he doesn't understand anything about feelings at all, if Sain understood he wouldn't have left when Neil fell in pain in the school corridor at that time, and he wouldn't have gone with another girl while Neil was lying in a hospital bed.
Neil's eyes became hot, he bit his tongue to stop himself from screaming right in Sain's face that he was lying.
Neil just needs to follow the path that Sain plays, until the man holding his hand gets what he wants and leaves Neil's life as soon as possible.
"I'm not lying," whispered Sain starting to stand up and then lowered his head to cup Neil's face which he turned to face him.
Sain lifted Neil's body easily and put Neil on his lap instead of the chair that Neil was originally sitting on. Sain brushed away the hair that covered part of Neil's face.
Neil's eyes lowered away from Sain's gaze who was staring at Neil intensely. Even though he didn't know himself, Neil had a sudden strong urge in his heart to hug Sain tightly and bury his face in Sain's shoulder.
"Neil, you don't want to talk at all? You don't want to see me either?"
Neil remained still, holding his hand tightly as Sain buried his lips on his. Neil hates himself seeing Sain treat Neil like this.
It's true what Neil thought long ago, there are times when something he shouldn't have. Neil only knew enough that everything would keep turning on its axis even without Neil himself.
Sain's mistake was the only one that kept replaying in Neil's mind which he finally brought out with his words to Sain in the end.
"Riksa, why did you have to come when I wanted to end it all?"
***
Sain seemed to hate Neil so much, that he never left Neil without insulting words coming out of his mouth. Neil was initially going to let it happen as if he had never heard of it, but as time went on the insults and taunts Neil received became painful to his ears as he continued to insult what Neil was supposed to do, put on his body, how he got along until his time he begins to implicate Michelia in Neil's problems with Science.
"You insolent Sain," growled Neil darting forward and slamming his fist straight into the jaw of Sain who didn't seem to move to grimace.
Neil could see Sain's skin was red from the blow, Neil himself was still breathing heavily because of the blazing anger that surrounded him. He took a step forward holding Sain's collar, looked up, and looked at Sain with his fiery displeasure. "Can't you control your mouth? Don't get Lia involved with your hatred for me. Do you hate me just do it with me? Why did you involve Lia?"
Sain snorted, there was a strange look across Sain's face which was then the closed expression he displayed next. Sain started to say back, "Defending your girlfriend?"
Neil didn't need to say that Michelia was his best friend instead of his girlfriend to Sain, after all, he would still do other bad things to Neil tirelessly. Neil released his grip on Sain's collar roughly, he backed away his eyes couldn't take his eyes off of Sain who just raised his chin high.
"There's no point in me wasting my energy on you," said Neil, breathing steady.
"Your power is not at all suitable for hitting people, you can do a lot of other sweaty things to me," Sain said, appearing to be talking to himself which Neil didn't understand at all what Sain meant.
"Shut up, Riksa. You can find someone else to mess with your days," said Neil, turning around and leaving Sain behind him, Neil could still hear what Sain said next, which made Neil even more confused.
"I came here for you."
***
Neil turned around and found Sain had fallen asleep beside him. Neil watched how the frequent eyes were closed and sleeping peacefully. How could he sleep as if nothing had happened to him?
Neil slowly shifted slightly away from Sain's embrace, it did make Neil comfortable, but Neil didn't want himself to depend on it if he would lose him at any time.
Neil then whispered to himself. "Riksa, what do you want?"
No reply from Sain he got, making Neil calm when he was about to convey his complaints. "What do you expect me to be like? What kind of toy? What kind of character do I have? What is my behavior like?"
Neil was still cool to ask Sain's sleeping body, who didn't seem bothered at all by Neil's rhetorical conversation with himself. "I would if I could just get out of your life as soon as I could because I just didn't feel right for you. I survived because I always thought you were the only one willing to hold dirt like me."
"Our life is all about sex, which I didn't know anything about male relationships before, now I understand."
Neil closed his eyes slowly to block the tears that were about to come out and opened them. He saw Sain again who was still asleep with a steady breath in front of him.
"My only family kicked me out of the house because I became gay. So I don't want you to be like me either."
"You said you love me Riksa? But you were the first person to hurt me so deeply that I tried to kill myself." Neil's tears had involuntarily flowed down his cheeks.
"You said you wanted me, but you went with another girl," Neil said sadly in his own cryptic and pitiful voice.
"But it's not a problem, the problem is when I'm lying in the hospital, where are you? At that time I need you, you only need to show yourself at that time even if only once to me at that time then I will never give up on this, Riksa," said Neil in a lower voice.
Neil then continued, "I don't want to be selfish about myself, I want you to be happy but please don't when I feel that my life will end at least until I can pretend to be happy for your happiness, Riksa."
"I can't keep playing games like this with you, where I've ruined my own future for everything I do now for you."
"I want you to be normal and forget me. You know I already feel like trash, before you can throw me, I want to run from your life. But no matter how far I run, my heart always finds you for me to keep coming back to."
Neil's hand went up to wipe Sain's face, but he pulled his hand back again. He just felt he never deserved to touch Sain. "I'm tired of loving you if you yourself in fact never appreciate this feeling."
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