Chương 11: Courage
GRACE
I never realized how much colder it was going from town back toward the mountain until now. Being in this dress is uncomfortable enough without the cool night air flowing in from the window. Kai had fallen asleep shortly after we left town and ever since I've been holding his hand, greatful for every moment he was in my life. I couldn't have kept going if I lost him too. Heck I can't even imagine a life without him in it. Today I broke a lot of my own moral rules. I fell in love, I raised my voice at my son, and I nearly lost a dear friend out of desire, and I allowed myself to get lost in the fear of others. Kai had stopped me from making even worse mistakes.
***
After Jane had left I stood in the road thinking about what she said. I knew that I couldn't take back what did this morning but I could brave up and stop pushing everyone away. I had decided that I wasn't going to push anymore. I was going to show her, tell her, learn everything about her. Starting tonight.
I ran down town to a large apartment complex. I ran up the stairs forcing every ounce of the energy I had left to push me up them. When I finally came to the door my knees buckled and collapsed. I hold my chest trying to catch my breath before I could gather the courage to knock. I take one final deep breath and knock on the door. After a few moments light eliminates through the windows and the sound of locks being fumbled with fills the silent night air. From the other side a deep voice speaks in a sassy tone.
"This had better be important or I will really hurt someo-" the door swings open and a beautiful diva stares down at me. She still had on her flawless makeup, and her pink faux fur coat. When she sees me her eyes widen and jaw drops. "Honey!! What are you doing down there girl?!" She bends down and helps me to my feet. "Girl I can not believe this! Look at the state you're in! How could you let this happen?!" She pulls me inside and sets me down on the plastic covered couch. The one bed, one bath apartment wasn't all that big. But she seemed to have a gift for taking small spaces and making them look bigger. The walls were eggshell white with small floral designs painted here and there and the kitchen to the right was only separated from the living room by a small island but it was furnished with all new and modern kitchen-wear. Gorgeous handmade dresses were scattered about on the coffee table and pieces of fabric were stacked on the other side of the couch.
"Ellie… I need your help…" I look up at her, unable to hide any emotions. I could feel the tears flow down to my cheeks. She looks at me and sighs. She comes over and sits down beside me patting my head.
"Hon. Tell me. Is it Kai?" I chuckle and shake my head. I told her everything that had happened since this morning. Ellie is the only person in this town that knows the whole story of my past, from the people I used to run with to King and his family, to Kai, to moving here. She knows everything and has never judged or tore at my mistakes.
Ellie sat quietly listening to every detail I threw at her. "So you see.. I want to make it up to her… but.." I sigh and lift my arms. "I'm no good at being…" she cut in.
"A woman?" She smiles as I laugh.
"Yeah! Being a woman." Ellie's eyes sparkle when she smiles.
"Well then we had better get started." She stands and holds out her hands to me. I take them and stand looking up at her. " Because Honey this is gonna take one extreme miracle." We both end up laughing. She guides me to her bedroom and gets to work.
Before I knew it I was completely changed from the wild woman in overalls, to a grade A classy woman in a slim fitting red dress. When I saw myself in the mirror I could hardly recognize the person standing in front of me. I looked to Ellie with tears in my eyes.
"Oh Ellie, thank you! It's perfect!" She smiles.
" I know Honey! And you had better not go crying on me! I put a lot of hard work into that face Doll, and I didn't use the waterproof mascara!" She puts her hands on her hips and walks into her bedroom humming Cher's Fernando. I grin and jump in and start singing.
" Can you hear the drums, Fernando?
I remember, long ago, another starry night like this
In the firelight, Fernando
You were humming to yourself and softly strumming your guitar
I could hear the distant drums, and sounds of bugle calls were coming from afar…"
Ellie's jaw drops then she smiles and takes my hand and twirls me around into her arms. I continued to sing, unable to stop grinning.
"They were closer now, Fernando
Every hour, every minute seemed to last eternally
I was so afraid, Fernando
We were young and full of life and none of us prepared to die
And I'm not ashamed to say the roar of guns and cannons almost made me cry…"
Ellie laughs and stares down at me as she joins me in the chorus, her voice, soothing and deep in contrast to my flowing high notes.
"There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, Fernando
They were shining there for you and me
For liberty, Fernando
Though we never thought that we could lose
There's no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, Fernando
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, Fernando!"
We laugh as we spin each other around the room. We eventually stumble onto the bed laughing and giggling and out of breath. She pats my arm.
"Girl! How come I don't know you could sing and dance like that?!" I chuckle shrugging my shoulders.
"I honestly didn't think I could even do it after this many years!" I turned to face Ellie. "I haven't sung since Kai was little." Ellie shakes her head and takes my hand.
"If you do that for her. Baby girl, you'll have her in your arms before you know it." I try to smile but the ache in my chest tears at my insides. I could feel this painful void of regret and emptiness growing everyday for years.
" Honey, you can't be afraid to move on. You of all people deserve to be happy." She smiles at me and stands to get her make-up remover wipes. She begins to work on her face. "Oh and grab those flowers by the door. They're your favorites and I bet Nicky would love them." I watched her take off her lashes and the thick layers of pale make-up to finally reveal her smooth chocolate skin.
"Thank you Ellie. I couldn't have done this without you." She turns to me, rolling her eyes and shaking her head.
"Oh I know Honey, but ya see she was already in there, hiding, all I did was bring her to the light. Now go get your girl! Quit wasting time here! And let me sleep Girl!" We laugh and I give her a hug.
"Thank you…"
When I went to pick up Kai from the library I realized that it was really late. I rushed there to find him asleep on the stairs to the main entrance of the library. He looked so peaceful. I honestly didn't want to wake him but I knew we needed to go home and I needed to apologise. I shook him softly, calling his name. His eyes finally began to open. He seemed a little confused.
"Kai, you know you shouldn't sleep on these stairs. It'll hurt your back." I smiled at him as he raised up. He looked at me one good time and his eyes became huge.
"Mom? Is that you?!" I laughed and crouched down beside him.
"Who else would it be? Silly-willy." I poked his side. He shook his head staring at me.
"H-how?? When?" I sighed.
"Ellie. She did my make up and lent me this dress. Do you like it? Or is it too much?" He tilted his head.
"No it looks good…" his eyes fell and narrowed in deep thought. "So you've been with Ellie this whole time?" I took a deep breath and shook my head.
"No… after what you said I knew that I was wrong… and so I met Jane and we talked and she gave me some advice… she told me not to give up. So I started thinking and…" I look at Kai. "You where right Kai I'm sorry for the way I've been acting… and I'm sorry if I made you worry… and I'm sorry I yelled at you… could you ever forgive me?" Kai looked over at me, a small smile formed on his face.
"You're my mom. How could I not?" I smiled and wrapped him in my arms.
"I love you so much." Kai returned my embrace with a chuckle.
"I love you too momma"
***
We pulled up to Nicky's bar and parked the ice truck back in it's spot. Kai stared around sleepily. "Isn't this place usually more busy at night?" I stared out at the empty lot nodding my head.
"The lights are on… but the open sign isn't…" a pit began to form in my stomach and my chest ached. Kai placed his hand on mine and kissed my cheek.
"You've got this mom. Just… be honest. Be yourself. And for once speak from your heart rather than your head. Okay?" He smiled sweetly at me before hugging me tightly. "I'm gonna go home. I would say I'd wait up for you but… I'm tired and I know you two have a lot to talk about and I doubt I could stay awake that long." We both laughed. I hugged him tight and kissed his head.
" Goodnight honey." Kai smiled and squeezed my hand.
"Good night mom…"
We got out of the truck. I watched as Kai walked toward the mountain. When he was out of my sight I turned and went up to the bar entrance. I took a deep breath to gather up my courage and knocked on the door.
At first no one answered so I tried again… and again… and again… and again. Nothing.
"Nicky?! I know you're there… look.. I'm sorry. There's so much to say, and I'm no good with words. But.. I want to be honest. Even if it's not the easiest thing for me to do. It's been so long since I've been able to trust or even allow myself to fall in love… and it's terrifying. Today when you told me how you felt.. I was so happy. More than you'll ever know. But then because of my past… I let my fear win out… Nicky I push everyone away… but… I…" the door swung open revealing the woman I've been daydreaming of for years. Nicky. Even though her hair was all matted and her eyes were red and swollen and she wore a lavender robe covered in fresh stains, she was still the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on.
"You what?! You want to play with my emotions?! You want to give it a shot?! Then break my heart when something better comes along?! What?! You what?!"
Even though her words hurt I couldn't careless all I wanted was to hold her. I stepped closer, took her in my arms, and pressed my lips against hers. She tasted sweet like Rocky Road ice cream, her go to, whenever she is upset, and she smelled like burning sage, what she does to calm her mind, and finally, salty, the flavor of tears, what everyone does when their heart gets broken.
My body burned as our kiss deepened and colors danced inside my head. Nicky pulled on my dress to guide our tangled locked lips inside the door.
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