Chương 5: Nut Controversy in Central Park
Squirrels in New York City were subjected to a horrible beginning to their October. A wild yet friendly Central Park resident, see attached photograph, Samuel C. Samuels Esquire can be seen reacting with anguish and despair after the news came out that all Central Park nuts, including those brought in by visitors, are now off limits to any and all animals, domesticated or wild.
A Change.org petition was started by Sherrie Snorkin (now known in the squirrel community as THE SS) seventeen days ago pleading for, "the conservation of the Central Park environment, the prevention of the degradation of the visual characteristics of Central Park, and the denial of disruption to the Central Park grounds."
After accumulating a mind-boggling seventeen million signatures, Mayor Bill de Blasio held a press conference at the main entrance of Central Park.
As he was perched at his pedestal surrounded by Wildlife Agents scanning the surroundings for any rogue rodents that may become filled with torment and lung at the ankles of New York's beloved Mayor, "The conservation of this monumental landmark we know and love is not only the responsibility of all of New York City's beloved residents, it is also going to be the responsibility of a new task force known as 'Central Park Wildlife Neutralizers'."
He confidently continued, "In the coming days, each and every nut will be inventoried and the data will be compiled into a database. Each Wednesday there will be a follow up inventory followed by a weekly Friday audit. The estimated costs of these new legislations is roughly nine hundred and seventy six thousand dollars per week but the environmental impact this will save the human inhabitants of New York City's Central Park is priceless."
We were lucky enough to catch up with Mr. Samuels Esquire immediately following Mayor de Blasio's statement. When asked his thoughts about this new legislation Mr. Samuels Esquire replied with a torrent of hatred with a dash of confusion, "Have these [freaking] people lost their mother [freaking] minds?! For [freak] sake, without nuts squirrels will have to rely on eating our [freaking] babies, [pooping] them out, and [freaking] eating them again!"
Editor Notes: Mr. Samuels Esquire's comments were edited due to his maliciously vulgar language. We try to provide a family friendly environment for our readers and take every step to ensure the integrity of our publication.
As of this writing, Mr. Samuels Esquire has been detained by the CPWN for making disparaging comments about government officials. His wife, Mrs. Lucille J. Samuels M.B.A., and their eighteen children, Lucy Samuels, Jane Samuels, Rebecca Samuels, Polly Samuels, Samuel A. Samuels Esquire, Samuel B. Samuels Esquire, Samuel C. Samuels Esquire II, Samuel D. Samuels Esquire, Samuel E. Samuels Esquire, Samuel F. Samuels Esquire, Samuel G. Samuels Esquire, Samuel H. Samuels Esquire, Samuel I. Samuels Esquire, Samuel J. Samuels Esquire, Samuel K. Samuels Esquire, Samuel L. Samuels Esquire, Samuel M. Samuels Esquire, and Jeff F. Samuels, were left dumbfounded and heartbroken at the recent detaining of their father and sole provider.
Samuel L. Samuels provided a brief heartfelt statement, "My daddy is a great daddy. He collects the most nuts, more than a normal squirrel could collect. He is the nut king around her. He can track nuts anywhere. He spreads his nuts to all the other squirrels. Nut to you, nut to that one, nut to her, if you're not careful he'll get a nut on you. He even talks to my mommy about nuts at night time when we're all asleep and they giggle and make funny noises…" Mrs. Lucille J. Samuels jumped in, flush faced and awkwardly smiled as she corralled young Samuel L. back into their tree home.
There will be more to come on this matter. Please let us know how you feel about this shocking legislation in the comments below.
Tình trạng nguồn điện hàng tuần
-- Xếp hạng
Quyền lực 
-- Đá
Quyền lực