Chương 12: Be or not be
I did not feel belonged to anything, everything I do and follow a behavior that I consider consonant , appropriate to the situation, this confuses me on who I really am, I am the childish person, lazy and selfish? Or a serious and petty person? Or the one that tries to make everyone laugh, even playing the jester, ridiculing herself? But of one thing I sure, I'm stupid.
Living a life of regrets, and being scared of the world, hiding herself behind a screen, believing that it will isolate me from all that mess. But the reality It's not like that, because, even if I want it or not, I'm part of the world and I have to LIVE with it, stop pretending that the person on the screen it's not ME. How I can believe others when myself is a FAKE. Could I find one day a place where I can freely show the "natural me" ?
But there's really a REAL ONE and a FAKE ONE ?
Didn't we always emulate others since we was born? Isn't the emotion we show all imitation of how they're should be expressed?
I really should stop thinking so much about useless things...even if I understand it, I can't control it anyway, I can't control myself, my emotions, my actions...nothing...then who is controlling me?
I like to think that sometime there's a little whimsical kid inside my brain that just mess with the various control keys and files...do I have to give up on his whims or isolate him as I have always done? But isn't she a part of me? My ES (or id)?
Maybe I should give the reins a little bit...Yeah...that's right...
What else do I have to lose if not my life now?
How much can this life of mine be worth in the infinite universe ... nothing ... in comparison, my life is just a moment, a temporary conglomeration of atoms that will rejoins the world to which it always belongs to. Life is too short to pass it to torment oneself.
I want to believe that the live have a meaning, that above us there's a intelligent being, I need to believe in it. Believe that what I do is part of a greater aim and through them we explain the world around us. Humans need that, so for this reason, regardless of place or culture, everyone believes in a "god", that could be Odin, Vishnu, Nüwa, Itzamnà, Archè(ἀρχή) ...Science...
I'm agnostic, I don't like selfless people, but I admire and respect them.
I'm still confused about my sexual orientation, I like to draw female bodies and faces, but the masculine ones do not displease me. And I often unconsciously think of myself as a man, I suppose it's because in the deep of my heart I wanted to born as a boy, because it looks easier...
I have a strong desire to be liked by others.
From now on I won't explain my gender and let others think of me as an androgynous being and I want explore this new world, find someone to love then find a place that I could call home and settle down. And I want to be a teacher, fulfilling the role of every living being...
...hand down my knowledge...
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Aaaand... the last bookmark has been completed.
All that remains to be done is to assemble everything together…
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