Chương 42: Epilogue: A Past That Mustn’t Be Forgotten
"Oh, Masachika. Are you going somewhere?"
"Yeah, I'll be back soon."
"Be careful."
"I will."
Masachika waved good-bye to his grandmother as he left the house. He was visiting his
grandparents' place after the student council beach vacation was over, and today, he was out
on a mission.
"Let's do this!"
After pumping himself up a bit, he began his journey under the hot sun.
"…"
While he'd realized Alisa had feelings for him during his vacation, he didn't know how
strong those feelings were. They could be very faint or shallow to the point that Alisa herself
didn't even realize she was in love. Or maybe these feelings could be clearly defined in her
mind. And if it was the latter, did Alisa want to be more than just friends? Masachika had no
idea, but now that he knew how she felt, he could no longer continue acting like he didn't…
and if he was to pretend as if he hadn't noticed or something, he would still need to find out
how he felt. He needed to decide how he would reciprocate her affection.
Am I…in love with Alya?
He'd asked himself that question countless times ever since that day at the shrine. If he
had to choose between love or hate, then of course, he loved her. That was easy. There were
times that he even felt something similar to being in love. She made his heart race from time
to time. But…
I don't know…
…if you asked him if he was in love with her, he honestly didn't know— No. He didn't
actually want to know, and he knew why.
If I remember what it feels like to love again…
…then he would be reminded of that girl he'd fallen in love with so long ago. He would
remember how much he despised himself for ever forgetting her, and he would start doubting
his own heart. That was why he'd pretended not to notice. That was why he'd always run
away from confrontation.
But…I can't keep running any longer.
He had to face reality. He couldn't use that girl as an excuse to avoid falling in love
anymore. He had to say good-bye to his past love once and for all…and move on. There was
someone who loved him. And there was someone who'd given him courage.
"You can love again."
He tucked those words, said to him with that loving embrace, into his heart as he moved
forward—as he headed toward that park filled with the memories he'd shared with that little
girl from so long ago.
"…!"
The closer he got to the park and the more the familiar the path he took, the more it tore at
his heart, the disgust and sense of rejection only growing stronger. His legs felt unbelievably
heavy, though he was ready to face his past. Maybe I should head back. I can do this some
other time. The excuses popped into his head one after another. But even then, he continued
walking. Greasy sweat unrelated to the hot sun ran down his back while his guts twisted.
Still, he pushed forward. In the end, it took him over thirty minutes to make the ten-minute
walk to the park.
"…Here it is."
But his heart strangely felt at peace the moment he saw the entrance. It was like being
scared of the unknown and then learning what it actually was. The fear was gone. The sudden
relief even made Masachika himself feel somewhat deflated.
Maybe I was actually wasting my time all these years avoiding this place…?
Or perhaps it was merely because this wasn't the most memorable place to him. This
wasn't the playground area with all the fun equipment that he'd always met that little girl at.
That place was only a small portion of this massive park. That place of his memories was at
the opposite end of the park down this path.
"I guess I just have to take this step by step," he muttered to himself, but hidden behind
his lighthearted tone was a strong determination that fueled his next move forward. Families,
a man running, and many other people passed him by while he looked around and slowly
pushed forward down the path.
Oh, that's where we used to play frisbee.
The large open space, surrounded by clusters of trees, reawakened Masachika's
childhood memories. One after another, the memories came back to him as his eyes drifted.
I used to hide over there all the time when we played hide-and-seek… Oh, that roller
slide… We used to love that thing…
There was nothing special about any of it. Nothing more than childish games. But for
someone who grew up never knowing how to be or play like a kid, those days he'd spent with
her were always brilliantly shining in his mind. Her genuine praise. Her blue eyes gazing
straight into his. Those things made him feel like he had a place in the world. They'd warmed
his frozen heart after he was thrown into despair by his mother. He felt like he could do
anything for her.
This path… Yeah… This is where we got attacked by that dog…
He began to fondly remember his past, and it was strangely comforting. The days he'd
spent with her were still as beautiful and brilliant as ever…and it didn't tear at his heart.
He wasn't distressed by a sense of loss. And that was why he was relieved. But when he
suddenly saw the fountain in the playground area, he froze.
This is… This was the last time we…
It was at this moment that he finally realized…that the seal locking away his memories
had been broken.
"<Masaaachika.>"
"<Yeah?>"
After we had finished playing just like we always did, she called me by that
mispronounced name instead of my nickname for the first time in what felt like forever. I
turned around, wondering what it could be…and noticed that the always-cheerful little girl…
was wearing a gloomy expression for a change.
"________________"
Yes… She told me something. Something shocking. But not in Russian. She told me in
Japanese. I was petrified. I was in a trance, and by the time I came back to my senses, she
was gone. I thought it had to have been some sort of mistake; I was going to ask her about
it once more tomorrow, so I went to the park the next day, but she never came. I visited the
park numerous times after that day, but no matter how long I searched, I could never find her.
Maybe I'll run into her today?
I didn't see her today, either, but surely tomorrow…
It was an endless loop of faint hope that was always met with fruitless despair. It was
around the one-month mark when I finally came to a certain realization: I'm never going to
see her again.
Shortly after that, I was taken from my new home with my grandparents and brought
back to the Suou household, where my father told me that he and my mother were getting a
divorce. I was instantly reminded of a conversation from long ago.
"Wow! He's so cool!"
When was that? I had to be in kindergarten when I saw a police officer and said that
to my father.
"Right? I actually used to want to be a police officer way back in the day," he'd replied.
"Why didn't you, then?" I'd innocently asked, as any kid would.
"Because I found something even more important than my dream." He'd grinned, but
there was a sadness somewhere in that smile. I didn't understand what he'd meant back then,
but soon after that, I learned that the Suous were a family of diplomats spanning multiple
generations, and my father had given up his dream to become one in order to get married.
I was touched. The "something" that was even more important than my father's dream was
my mother. He'd chosen the woman he loved over his dream. He's so cool. I can't believe
how cool Father is. I deeply respected my father from the bottom of my heart. And yet…
"I'm sorry, Masachika. Your mother and I are going to be living in different houses
from now on."
And yet after everything he sacrificed—after all his hard work—she betrayed him. Why
wasn't he— Why wasn't I rewarded for all my hard work?
"Okay."
I didn't have to understand. I didn't have to know why. Mother— My birth mother was
a pathetic excuse for a human being who stopped showing her husband and her child love.
That was all I needed to know.
"Then…I wish to— I'm going with you."
I didn't care anymore. Forget this. Everything was a waste of time. I did everything just
so she would look at me and praise me, and it was all for nothing. Pointless. Useless. Trash.
And if something was trash, then why not just throw it away? That mother, who stopped
acknowledging all my hard work and shunned me? In the trash. That grandfather, who still
forced me to continue working hard? Trash. This entire family, who made my father give up
on his dreams? I didn't need them anymore. All I needed were my father and my little sister,
Yuki. They were the only family I needed. As long as I had Dad and Yuki…
"I'm sorry, Masachika. I'm gonna stay here…"
But when I visited my sister'sroom,she sat up in her bed and quietly told me that without
hesitation. It was something I never even dreamed she would say. I was taken aback by her
unexpectedly strong determination.
"Are you worried about your asthma? Don't worry. It won't get worse even if we move
to a new house. If you need someone to take care of you, then we could just bring Ayano…"
Although confused, I was driven by my impatience to persuade her to come with me,
but she never nodded.
"Why?! There's nothing good here! You're better off without this family!"
I let my emotions get the best of me and shouted obscenities, mocking my mother and
grandfather.
"But Mother will be all alone if I leave…" Yuki smiled somewhat helplessly.
That was all it took. Those words. That expression. There was nothing else I could say.
I immediately understood the reality of the situation. My delicate, sickly little sister, who
I thought I always had to protect, was far more mature than I ever was. She had a will far
stronger than mine and more love in her heart than I could have ever dreamed of having.
I was suddenly embarrassed of myself. I realized how pathetic I was for insulting my own
family and losing my self-control. But the little pride I had as Masachika Suou wouldn't let
me admit it.
"Fine! Do whatever you want!"
And that was the last thing I said before leaving Yuki's room, even though I realized
deep down inside that I was only making things more embarrassing for myself.
She'll come around and apologize.
Yuki can't live without me.
I'll forgive her if she says she's sorry.
That was what my ego was telling me every day I didn't see her. When the day finally
came around to say good-bye, I looked at her standing by my mother's side, and that was
when I realized how much of a fool I was.
I was the one who decided to leave, and yet I felt like I was being abandoned. I didn't
feel any better. I felt empty when I left the Suou household. It was as if a cold breeze was
blowing through my empty heart. The entire time, Dad was apologizing to me as if this was
all his fault.
The days just idly went by for a while after that. I didn't have my grandfather's
expectations to meet, that girl who used to praise me so much was now gone, and I didn't
have extra lessons or extracurricular activities I had to do anymore. All I had was peace.
Too much of it. I didn't know what I should do or even what I wanted to do as the days
meaninglessly went by. When I was in my sixth year of elementary school and had to start
thinking which middle school I'd attend, I suddenly got the idea to try for Seiren Academy.
It was, in a way, my revenge. I was going to get into the school that my grandfather
wanted me to go to without any help from the Suou household. That would teach them.
That would show my grandfather and mother just how amazing I was. It would show them
that they lost an unparalleled successor to the family because of their stupidity. That twisted
motivation was why I belatedly began studying for the entrance exam…and ended up getting
in easily.
Heh. How'd ya like that? I got into the Seiren Academy and only had to study half a
year to do it. I'm amazing. I'm special. Those were the things my ego told me while I joined
the opening ceremony as if I were on top of the world. That is, until I saw the student who
scored the highest on their entrance exam give a speech.
"Good afternoon, everyone. My name is Yuki Suou, and I will be speaking on behalf of
all the new students."
It was my sister, who I'd left behind at the Suou household. Her posture was perfect, and
she spoke with such dignity. Seeing her healthy and all grown…finally made me realize that
I wasn't special. I was replaceable. What was really worthless— What was really trash…
was me. I always let my emotions get the best of me. I always let others decide what I should
do for me. I couldn't do anything without relying on others and searching for reasons within
them to do something. And worst of all, if I decided I was going to depend on someone for
something and they didn't react how I wanted them to, I got disappointed, even if I didn't
have any right to. And because of that, I couldn't love my own family, and I forced everything
onto my little sister, who I loved dearly.
But even then, that little sister wasso kind to her brother. She would only show her nerdy
side to him and act like her stupid, adorable self so that he wouldn't feel guilty. She would
never be embarrassed to show him love. Despite already bearing the important responsibility
of the entire Suou household as the successor, she still tried to protect their bond as a family.
She was mature with a big heart and a brilliantly glittering soul, and each time I saw that, I…
"Sigh…"
After taking a seat at the bench by the fountain, Masachika deeply exhaled and felt a
sharp pain in his chest. He felt awful. It started with remembering the last day he'd seen that
girl, and he just kept recalling one bad memory after another. He honestly felt sick.
"I want to die."
Whether he had feelings for Alisa or not wasn't the problem. It was cocky of him to
even think he was good enough for her. Him—a guy with nothing, only wandering aimlessly
waiting for someone to save him. What would he have to do to be good enough for her?
"…I'm such an idiot."
He'd never been in any position to consider if he had feelings for her, but he had been
surrounded by such amazing people with brilliant souls for so long that he'd started to feel
like he was one of them. But perhaps that was all in his head.
"…You're scum."
The self-abuse unconsciously slipped off his tongue. The old Masachika was an even
bigger scumbag than he had imagined. He'd always thought that it was completely his
mother's fault, but he was wrong. He knew that now. The one who broke that family was…
nobody other than himself.
While there were still plenty of things that he felt conflicted about, his mother had been
careful not to destroy their family. She was holding the last line of defense by not yelling
at his dad in front of them.
And yet Masachika alone broke that last line of defense. He made his resentment for his
mother no secret, and perhaps that was the last straw that led to his parents getting divorced,
because maybe she believed that she could no longer protect the bond holding the family
together any longer. The family was split in half after that, and it was Yuki who was still
desperately trying to protect that family bond that Masachika had shattered. It was his little
sister who loved her family more than anything else in the world, and she did it all with the
weight of becoming the successor to the Suou family on her shoulders.
"…!"
Masachika suddenly wanted to cry. His chest trembled while the welling tears were
burning the corners of his eyes. Was it because he felt spineless? Or perhaps it was his love
for his sister? Was it pity? He didn't know, but he clenched his teeth as he fought back the
tears. All he wanted to do now was tightly hold Yuki—her small, delicate body—in his arms
and hug her.
"Sigh…"
His sigh was mixed with countless emotions, but he stood up once more. He still hadn't
finished what he had come to do. He was here to visit all the places he'd spent with that
little girl from so long ago and say good-bye to his past love. However, he felt that this was
enough. He'd never be good enough for Alisa. In fact, he wasn't good enough for anyone.
He despised his family, and it destroyed them. He couldn't even protect his one and only
sister, who he loved more than anyone else in the entire world. He didn't deserve love that
he would get from forming a new family bond. Even if he did get that love…he wouldn't
be able to cherish it like he should.
"…Let's go home," he muttered to nobody but himself and began to walk. The summer
sunlight was so hot that it was burning his skin, and yet he couldn't feel a thing. He was
frozen inside. It was as if his organs had been removed and replaced with a cold clay. His
entire body weighed down on him like mud, and he felt disgusting.
Masachika began to walk mindlessly down the path until he eventually reached a fork
and stopped.
"…"
The path to his right was the park exit. The path to his left would take him to the most
memorable place he'd shared with that little girl: the open space filled with playground
equipment, and the spot they used to play together for hours on end. Masachika hesitated…
then faced the path to his left. Not even he knew exactly why. Perhaps he wanted to take one
last look at every area of the park so he would never have to go there again. Or maybe he had
given into the despair and turned to hurting himself, wanting to tear out his already aching
heart. Regardless, he pushed forward, lowering his heavy head and staring at the ground all
the way. Before long, the paved pathway became gravel, and when he slowly lifted his head,
there it was. The playground was much smaller than he remembered.
The sandbox was framed by green stones. Four red swings were lined up side by side.
A small fence stood behind it and in front of the road to prevent children from running into
traffic. He used to always hate weaving in between the small, staggered fence panels before
he could run over and see her. Masachika chuckled softly while recalling his past thoughts,
then looked to his left, where that dome filled with holes stood…and on top of it was…
"Huh…?"
…a familiar figure. Someone whom he had never expected to see—someone who wasn't
supposed to be there. His mind went blank. As he stood stock-still in mute amazement, the
person sitting and looking at the sky shifted her gaze toward him. And once she saw that it
was him, she stood up, placed her legs against the curved dome surface, and half slid off all
the way down. Once she hit the ground, she slowly approached him before stopping right
before his eyes. She smiled nostalgically…yet wistfully as well. Masachika was speechless.
And with countless emotions swelling in her heart, she told him:
"Long time no see—"
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