Chương 12: Fake Fake Priest

[March 7th (lol) POV]

This trailblazing mission is a mess…

We apparently lost Aster… if that giant mushroom cloud means anything…

Stelle had finished all the "Pom-Pom" puffs she brought and started to sulk on the ground, forcing Dan Heng and I to drag her because she wouldn't move. She's like a small child sometimes, yet she's somehow smart other times? It's weird…

"..."

Oh geez, is there anything even around here? We have been walking for hours and have not seen anything besides Aster's "explosive" entrance.

'Is there a civilization really here in this frozen wasteland?'

Anyway, along the way, we found a snow pile that was almost shivering? It was making a teeth-clattering noise that grew as we approached it. I didn't know what to really do with the moving pile of snow, but it seemed Dan Heng had a great idea. He walked up to it and just speared it…

'I hope Aster's hit-first philosophy didn't rub off on him…'

A naked man popped out of the snow pile like some jack in a box as Dan Hung apparently hit his "delicate place." 0_0

As if enough didn't happen today with meeting our new crew members and the events at the space station…

Well apparently there was a civilization on Jarillo-VI as this man named "Sampo Koski" was a local. He said he came from some place called Belobog and was on his way for "errands" before getting all his clothes blasted away.

While normally that would be odd, I guess Aster loses his clothes often, too? Every time I saw him, he was wearing a different outfit. I heard that even Herta stole his clothes while I was asleep…

'Those genius society members sure are something…'

Anyway, for the second time today, Dan Heng had to sacrifice his clothes…This time, it was for this naked stranger he stabbed in his…' things.'

Poor Dan Heng… I don't know how many of the same outfits he has, but I can't see him having many more after this.

The coat looked pretty small on this guy, but that was the only thing we had, and I was not gonna let Stelle sacrifice her coat for this…exhibitionist.

This Sampo guy…I don't trust him, but he's our only guide, and navigating through this snowy land without one does not seem like a good idea.

'I just hope this trailblazing expedition has no more surprises…'

[Some place close to the impact zone of Aster, 3rd Person POV]

Somewhere in a snowy forest a few miles out from the impact of the disaster was a lone figure. This figure was garbed in an entirely black outfit that would not look out of place on a clergyman. He was trudging through the thick snow on a forested path, walking away from the site of the fallen "star."

Yes, this man was Aster, now entirely donning the fake priest cosplay as he trudged through the snow.

'I didn't realize that this outfit gave a set bonus… a one percent charisma enhancement has to mean something, right? I am already so cool that it's gotta be a big increase…' Aster thought as he held the cross necklace in his hand. 'I hate the gacha…but a true gamer wears whatever gives better stats.'

There was no sound except for the wind and Aster's soft footsteps through the snow as he walked through the knockoff Hoth planet.

Just as the silence seemed to settle, a battalion of soldiers shattered the tranquility with their relentless march toward the direction of the explosion. Unbeknownst to them, this was also the direction Aster was approaching.

Aster took note of the group as well as the 5-star status of its leader before a wide grin appeared on his face. He quickly put his mask on. "This will be fun…"

These men dressed in blue motif uniforms marched quickly towards the source of the giant "mushroom." They came across a strange-looking man in weird black apparel who was wearing a strange white mask with an almost inhuman grin along the way. It did not look like an outfit someone would wear in Belobog, let alone in a snow-covered forest.

Alerted by the strange figure approaching them, the soldiers readied themselves for the potential threat. The blonde captain of the Silvermane guards extended his left arm outward to command the soldiers to stop their actions.

"Halt!" the captain said with authority. "I am Gepard Landau! Captain of the Silvermane Guards! By order of the Supreme Gaurdian Cocolia Rand! Identify yourself and state your intentions!" He ordered while stomping his giant guitar case onto the ground.

"Hehehe…" Aster began chuckling before spreading his arms out. "Rejoice̷̛̖͖̤̠͎̲̺̥̤̠͓̓͌́̂̿̊́̈̒̒͝͝!" he said as his mask almost ominously glowed gold. "I am but a simple priest. Here to spread the word of RNGesus! For he is the one true god! The great equalizer under gacha!" Aster stated.

"Priest? RNGesus? Stop fooling around and identify yourself!" The captain rebutted while his men tensed their hands on their weapons, clearly unsettled by the strange man. "You are coming from the fallen star and are a potential threat."

'Fallen star? Heh…I suppose they aren't wrong…' Aster couldn't help but chuckle. This only made the guards more tense as a strange madman was just chuckling while being interrogated.

"...There is just one thing you are wrong about, however…" Aster stated ominously

"And what would that be?..." Gepard tightened his grip on the guitar case.

"I'm not a potential threat…" Aster stated before pulling a black bag that seemed to be twitching out of his cloak, vibrating from pressure.

"I am THE THREAT!" He said while lobbing the black sack at the group of guards.

"GET DOWN!" Gepard screamed to his troops, but it was too late…

One of the less intelligent guards had been unfortunate to catch the bag thrown by Aster.

Holding it dumbfounded, the guard tried to throw it away, but fate had other plans…

"Kyle! NO!" A guard screamed.

The bag, twitching unstably, expanded outward and exploded, covering the guards in its payload of…

"..."

Mapo Tofu?

The guards stood there stunned, unharmed, as the guard who had caught the bag was coated in super hot and spicy Mapo tofu. This unfortunate soul was left standing there dumbfounded as he suddenly started to scream.

"AHHHHHH! ITS IN MY EYES!" He yelled as he ran around, trying to find something to wash his eyes.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Meanwhile, Aster had other plans as he was on his knees, cackling while slamming his fist into the dirt. He laughed like a maniac as he saw the looks on their faces as if they were about to die.

"Do you like that?! Enjoy the taste of all my gacha tears! HAHAHA!" He said, getting up and holding his forehead with his hand like a typical anime villain.

"That's what happens when you overfill a void bag!" The sounds of dinging and laughter from the audience echoed throughout the forest.

'There we go! Another line in the checklist said! Ok, fun's over for now…'

The guards stared at him, shocked, as the madman laughed before finally settling down.

"..."

"Heh…That felt therapeutic…"

"..."

"Ok, Arrest me!"

"..."

"Eh?" A guard exclaimed, stunned at the sudden statement, while in the background, Kyle was rolling around in the snow screaming and painting the snow in red tofu sauce.

"What?" Aster said while shrugging. "I heard you say Cocolia, and my gacha game sense tells me they are hot." He then sticks his arms out as if ready to be cuffed.

"Come on! Arrest me! I won't bite…" Aster said as a guard hesitantly approached him. He gulped as he thought he saw a red glint in the strange man's eyes. They cuffed him with some reluctance, as this man was clearly unhinged.

The guards hesitantly regained their bearings and split off into two teams. One was to escort this madman back to Belobog, and the other group, along with their captain, went to check out the landing zone of the "fallen star."

However, Aster had a deep grin underneath his mask as they dragged him away.

'Nice! I get free directions back to civilization and maybe see hot anime women!' he thought as the guards picked him up by each limb and lifted him. 'Hopefully, this place will keep me entertained…' Aster thought as his personal Aeon sugar daddy kept sending him gacha cash with a series of dings from his earlier actions.

The guards carrying the madman would look around, trying to find the source of the dings, resulting in them frisking the faker fake priest but to no avail. Aster carried nothing on him except for his fake priest cosplay and the mask on his face.

While the six men surrounding Aster were removing his clothes, Aster only had one thought in his mind…

'I wonder how my disciple is doing…'

A/N: I took 10 psychic damage writing this scene, but I must stay true to the grind

[Astral Trio POV]

"AchoOO!" A raccoon girl sneezed as she was getting dragged by her hood through the snow by an annoyed, disheveled Dan Heng, who was missing half the clothes he descended down to the planet with.

"Are you done acting like a child?..."Dan Heng said as he followed the almost naked, flamboyant man who was wearing part of his outfit.

"No…Aster is gone…and I'm out of Pom-Pom Puffs…" Stelle said while still being dragged from behind as her eyes glazed over while looking at the ground.

"Sigh…Look, we can get you more desserts or something once we get to this, "Belobog." OK?" March said while she kept an eye on the suspicious naked man leading the way and bragging about his ability not to leave footprints on the snow.

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this planet?..."

******

[Accessing Database]

[Welcome Admin "Overworked Underpaid"]

[Asters Bat Log]

[Bat-9000 | Codename "The BFB"]

Description:

"...Stay away from me..."- Aster

Bat-9000 is a strange entry into the bat logs, as with most of these, you can at least see some kind of resemblance to a standard baseball bat. Whether it's through the usage of "blunt" damage or the fact that it is somewhat shaped like a bat, most bats on the log share some traits except for a small few. This bat is one of those, as Aster does not use it as a "bat" per se and instead uses it to "clean" up anything he deems a monstrosity.

Bat-9000 made its first appearance after Aster had gone into his goth neighbor's home for the regular grocery run. This trip, however, was far from ordinary. Aster didn't return for six months, a disappearance that raised alarm bells at the foundation. The circumstances behind his vanishing were anything but normal.

Aster's 'goth' neighbor, Leylin "Goetia" Blackwood, is more than just goth. He's a unique case, deserving his own classification. The bat logs, however, only contain Aster's bats. Leylin's story, therefore, will be found elsewhere. In brief, Mr. Blackwood is considered a threat to humanity on par with Aphos Oda. He's retired now, trying out suburban life, which apparently includes dark rituals involving sacrifices and demonic pacts.

Shortly before Aster's reappearance, a giant green laser had destroyed the planet Mars from an unknown location. The destruction of Mars resulted in global panic, as much of the population was left in awe, and mass panic occurred. It took the foundation extensive efforts to hide the fact that there ever was a planet called Mars, and mass population-wide amnestic and information editing had to be undergone. A week later, a large red portal appeared in Mr. Blackwood's front yard, and with it came Aster. Aster was decked out in a strange armor set and strapped to the teeth in weaponry as he exited that portal. One of these weapons was Bat-9000, deemed by Aster as "the BFB" and was stated to be a souvenir from hell. Whether these statements are true is another mystery. However, no one was willing to challenge his claims.

The lab guys devised a new gacha game to keep Aster entertained and prevent him from causing more (Redacted) disasters. His boredom has been a significant issue in the past year, leading to the development of gacha games becoming a substantial part of the budget. Maintaining surveillance on Aster and keeping him in one place is crucial, and the gacha games have proven to be the most effective method so far, as traditional methods have had little to no effect on neutralizing his activity.

To relax Aster and keep him occupied after his 'adventure to hell,' the team released a new game called Genshin Impact. They made sure to introduce the game to Aster, designing it to be as tedious as possible without raising suspicion. This way, they hoped Aster would stay in one spot for longer and rely on his 'stimulus checks' to avoid causing issues.

Bat-9000 is a technological marvel. It appears to be a form of gun that fires a concentrated beam of force. While this is not particularly extraordinary in the context of the story, its origins and the 'ten-thousand' version that supposedly destroyed Mars are shrouded in mystery.

Bat-9000 fires a peculiar beam of green energy. This beam contains massive destructive power, capable of melting all materials found on Earth. Aster uses it because he wants to 'look cool' and avoid getting too close to his targets. What these targets might be is unknown, but it's expected that Bat-9000 will be used for something he considers a major threat.

Edit: 4/24/2024

Bat-9000 has made another appearance, this time after Aster used it inside his own home. The bat's use destroyed the entire front of Aster's home and left a giant hole in the International Space Station. The reason behind the usage is still unconfirmed; however, agents were able to ascertain that Aster had faced a monstrosity that required quick and deadly force.

******

Is Aster becoming more unhinged?

Has he always been this way?

Could there be an outside influence on his character?

Will I ever win a 50/50? Find out after this episode of Gambler's Fallacy…

******

Hello Everyone! I'm sure everyone knows, but this and the Fate story were my first attempts at writing a story, and I'm glad everyone enjoys my writing. I intend to catch up to the Loufu before stopping to let the Penacony story finish. This is in the distant future and for all I know, Penacony will be done by the time I reach it. If not, however, I will work on another story to let the game expand the lore.

I honestly did not expect to get this far into the chapters, and I am having a surprising amount of fun with them.

Let me know if you have any ideas or suggestions for improvement! Once again, thank you for reading!