Chương 58: 3 Days
"You do know that those are four words in the English language that, when strung together, are never a good thing," Allie told him.
"OK, how about I rephrase it? I really have something to talk about with you, Buttercup," he said.
"OK? I'm not sure I like the sound of that any better."
"You know how much I love you, right? I need you to understand exactly how much I love you."
"Of course, I know how much you love me, Cowboy," she said.
"I think your rules are absolutely spectacular, and I will follow them to the letter, but I can't right away."
He swallowed hard. The words were in there. He just had to open his mouth and let them fall out.
She sat up, gathered the sheet, and covered her chest. He already saw it in her face. She was scared.
"What do you mean you can't right away? I know I said they'll be in my vows, but I was hoping you would start now," she said.
"Allie, you are the most amazing, beautiful, charismatic, sexy, enchanted, intoxicating-"
"OK, Dean, this is not the SATs. Please tell me what's happening; you're starting to scare me, not that I don't love the compliments."
"Allie, I'm sorry."
"Sorry about what?"
"I've been reassigned," he stated.
"Like doing another case."
"You can say that."
"I've been reassigned and will be going to California."
"I'm sorry. I don't think I heard you correctly. I hope I'm going to California is German for I'm being transferred to Strongsville," she said.
"No. Allie, I wish it was. Unfortunately, it's English because I am going to California.
"I don't understand; are you being permanently transferred?"
"Thankfully, no. I am going on a UC op."
"You're not a UC agent. What kind of op. could they possibly need a forensic accountant?" she asked.
"Allie, you know how undercover works. I can't tell you anything; in fact, I can't contact you at all."
The pain in her face was absolutely heartbreaking to him.
"You can't have any contact with me?" she asked, her eyes becoming swollen with uncried tears. "I don't get it. What kind of an assignment needs an undercover accountant?"
"The kind that needs an undercover accountant who is 6 foot 6 and 260 pounds."
"Then start shrinking Dean. How long have you known about this?"
"I've known about it for a couple of weeks," he said.
"A COUPLE OF WEEKS!"
She scurried off him like a scared animal. "You're leaving for God knows how long and you've known for a couple of weeks, and you decided to tell me now?"
"I didn't know how to bring it up. I didn't know how to tell you."
"Well, you seem to be doing a rather good fucking job right now! For the love of God, we are supposed to get married in four months. FOUR MONTHS! We're supposed to be able to trust each other unequivocally. We are supposed to be able to talk to each other, especially about life-altering moments, and you didn't know how to tell me? How exactly is this supposed to work, Dean? How long will you be gone? Why can't someone else do it!"
"I don't know how long this will be, baby," he said.
"Oh, please don't you dare call me baby right now."
"I'm sorry, I don't know if it's going to be three months or six months or-"
"One year? Two years? she said.
"The only thing I know is I have to stay till the job is done."
"And what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Sit home and wait, not knowing what the hell is going on. If you're OK? If you're having to do something..."
Tears began to streak down her face.
"I will do my best not to do anything I know will hurt you," he said.
"You'll do your best? You'll do your best, right? I'm sure you will do your best as standard operating procedure for undercover allows. I know people who have been undercover, Dean. They had to sleep with someone else, start relationships, and do things they would never do morally. They have compromised their integrity. Not to mention, they have been gone for ungodly amounts of time. UC work is no joke. You can be sanctioned to do almost anything against your loyalty to the law."
Allie sat up on the side of the bed. "Dean. You know, Malibu and Ian were both murdered. Alex was ripped right out of my life. What if you get murdered and ripped out of my life?"
"Allie, please. You know that's not going to happen."
"No, I don't know, and neither do you. Do you think Malibu thought he would be shot in the throat? Do you think Ian knew an IED would blow him up? Oh. I can't go through this again. I'm not going through this again, no. Especially you. I can't lose you. Not you. I would rather die than lose you. Please don't do this to us."
Her voice cracked and shaken. She begged him, but she knew he could do nothing. She stood up, went to the closet, and gathered some clothes.
"Allie, where are you going?" he asked.
"I have to go. I can't be here right now."
"I'm not going to sell the house. You can move in here; you have Natalie and Makayla.
"I can always have Natalie and Makayla, but I want you. I'm supposed always to have you, too. I can't do this! I can't do this."
"Can't you at least try?" he asked.
"Trust me, you will be a better UC if you have no strings attached back in your real life. If you're not with me, then you'll have no guilt if you must do something that you know would hurt me. I know couples who divorced because their husbands were undercover."
Yeah, my assistant director, for instance.
She started putting her clothes on.
"You can't run away from this, Allie."
"I'm not. I'm walking away. GOD DAMN IT DEAN! I told you I don't fall in love because everyone I love leaves," she snapped.
"If I were a Marine and I was going off on deployment, would you call off our relationship?"
"This is not the same. First, there are ways to talk to somebody when you are on deployment. Do you know what else you have? Peace of mind that the person waiting for you is not home doing things they shouldn't! I really don't think that's fair for you to throw the word deployment at me." she said. "I was standing right next to the person I loved, and he was murdered right in front of me. I thought Ian was waiting for me, and I found out he fucked some girl to see what it was like with someone else before he asked me to marry him. You'll be standing two thousand miles away. The bureau's not going to tell me right away if someone kills you or you get hurt. Especially since I am not family. That's not how they work. And you can always cheat under the name of for the good of the case. I don't get it. How can they take you off a serial killer case and put you on assignment halfway across the world?"
"Curtis didn't tell you?" he asked.
"Tell me what?"
"The Bureau is taking over the case; they will have complete control. CPD will no longer be involved."
"What do you mean the Bureau is taking over my case?"
"It's not your case, Allie," he said. "They just feel that they have more manpower and better resources and..."
"And what? That we are moving too slowly? Well, the Bureau has been helping us this entire time so we're not the only ones that are moving slowly."
"Look, I know you're mad."
"No! No, no, no, no, NO! I am not mad. I am pissed. I am completely, totally, and utterly pissed. What about the wedding, Dean? You're leaving me behind to clean up this mess? What if you're going to be back, and everything's been canceled? What if I don't cancel and you're not back." She was crying now. No more trickling tears.
"I will be back as soon as I can. I promise," he said.
"You can't make that kind of promise. You've already broken one. Don't make another one you can't keep."
"That's not fair. I didn't ask for this. I will be back as soon as the case is done. I'll be on a plane before the ink is even dry on my reports."
"What kind of case is this!"
"It's the kind of case I am very sure will not be hashed out in a week," he said.
"I still don't understand you're not an undercover agent, you have no experience, and they're throwing you into a situation all the way across the country. You have never expressed any interest in being a UCA. You shouldn't be thrown into an assignment if you don't have extensive training."
"This is a particular set of circumstances. That's all I can say."
"What if it happens again? What if there's another particular set of circumstances? If it happened once, it could easily happen again. I'm not willing to do this. You can call it whatever you want: breaking up, splitting up, leaving each other, or calling it off. Whatever helps you sleep at night."
"I can't believe you said you would even consider splitting up. God, did you even want to get married?"
"Yes. I want to get married. I have a dress, a cake, a venue, and three hundred invitations, which have already been sent out. How am I going to tell three hundred people our wedding isn't going to happen? Send out an unvitation?""
"Then let's get married. Tonight. I can call Arthur and have him ready the Gulfstream, and we can be in Vegas by early morning. Bring your dress. They have cake there, and invitations are actually a smart idea. Explain that we couldn't wait. Come on, Buttercup, please."
"You don't understand you are going to come back and be a completely different person. Not my husband, who left. Like a method actor, you must immerse yourself completely to do good UC work. Do you know how many actors had to seek help because they dove so deep into their characters? Some actors had to go to rehab; others had to seek psychological help, and some actors never acted again. You will be one of those actors; if you're not a good one, you get made and killed." She threw her hands up. "Do you have a living will?"
"Oh my God, you are overreacting. I'm more afraid of you automatically returning to being a Bunk Bunny. I think there's more of a chance that you go back to your old ways than me changing. I've never changed before. I don't have ways to change from or revert to."
She looked horrified.
He at once regretted what he said. He just wanted to hurt her as much as he did.
"I cannot believe you just said that to me. I cannot believe you think I would turn on a dime and turn into... God, fuck you. Do you want me to be that person?" she asked, her voice going from angry to meek and weak. "Would it be easier for you if you knew that I was that person and that you wouldn't feel guilty no matter what you had to do? Dean, I hate to break it to you, but yes, you have old ways, and Cowboy, they are not going to fly unless you are going to work UC on a horse or cattle ranch. You won't even recognize yourself when you look at your reflection."
She started to put her shoes on.
"I love you," he said.
She stood up and wiped her face. "Even though you think I used to be a whore?"
He was lying there looking at her, trying to find the right words.
"No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you that or say those things. Of course, I don't want you to be that person again. I'm getting flustered and frustrated. Just stay and talk to me about this."
"Oh, now you want to talk? OK, how about this: You go to Kent and tell him you can't do this. Tell him whatever excuse will get you out of it. Tell him I'm dying. It's not a lie because I do feel like I am dying inside right now," she said.
"It's not up to Kent; it's up to the assistant director, and everything's already gone through Washington. The VP signed off on it. I can't say no. This is my job."
"And I am going to be your wife. Fuck your job! Fuck your assistant director, fuck the VP, and fuck this stupid op."
She slowly slid Gram's ring from her finger and gently placed it on the nightstand.
"No, Allie, don't. Put that ring back on. Please. I've never wanted to hurt you, but don't do this," he said, starting to cry.
"I'm sorry, Cowboy, I can't. As far as you being a Marine and being deployed, I guess I couldn't. That's why I never asked anybody to. Ken was different. He was already there. I didn't have to wait for him, and he didn't have to wait for me. I sometimes think that if he never died, I would have never met you-"
"Well, we have met. So, tell me, who would you have chosen between the two of us? Who would you really want to marry?"
"How can you ask me that? How can you sit there and ask me that!" she said.
"How? Alexsandra, I have always felt like I am playing a secondary role to a dead man. It's like he's right here. He's always hanging around."
"That's absurd. Why would you even say something like that?"
"It might be absurd, but it's exactly how I feel. I will never live up to him. I will never be him."
"I never asked you to be him!" she said.
"Good because I never could be him. You will never love me like you loved him."
"Why would I? I know that you are not him. I love you like I love you! It's a different kind of love with you."
"The kind you can let go of, apparently," Dean mumbled.
"When do you leave? You haven't told me when you're going to leave," she said.
"I leave in three days."
"Three days? You leave in three days? You're just telling me this now! Oh, this keeps getting better and better. Why did you wait so long?"
"Because I knew exactly how this would go down, and guess what, this is exactly how I thought it would go down. You were going to jump on the fact that I am abandoning you and that you can't lose another person who you love in your life, and it was just going to be a shit show," he said.
"Well, I guess you do know me pretty well, huh? At least we both got laid one last time. No wonder you tried so hard to make this night perfect the dinner, karaoke, and flowers. Congratulations, Cowboy, you gave me the perfect night with the most horrible ending."
She went to walk out the door.
"Allie, baby, please don't do this," he begged.
"I told you don't call me baby. Look on the bright side. This way, you can find someone to give you an actual baby."
"Don't! Don't say that! You know I love you whether you can have children or not!"
"I can't see you again. I can't see you before you leave, and I can't see you when you get back. At least I don't have to worry about drunk texting or resisting the urge to call you. If something happens to you, can you at least ask Mike to give me a heads-up? That I would at least like to know," she said.
"This is not what I want."
"I guess neither of us is getting what we want, huh? I want you to stay. You don't want me to leave. So, let's chalk it up to irreconcilable differences."
He exited the bed, wrapped the sheet around his waist, and walked over to her. He tried to pull her close to him, but she resisted. He looked at her, and now he could clearly see the absolute devastation in her eyes on her tear-stained face.
Deep down, he knew this was how it would play out, even though he prayed that he would be able to keep her despite the situation.
"I love you. I will always love you. It's been fun, hasn't it? Tell your family I love them, and I would have been honored to have your parents become my parents and to have Natalie be my little sister. Don't forget that you have given me years' worth of joy. I hope when you think of me, you smile. I'll leave the keys in the bowl. Just make sure you remember to lock the door. Goodbye, Cowboy," she said.
She turned and stepped out of the room; her voice quivered when she said goodbye. He gently grabbed her by the arm and pulled her into him. This time, she didn't resist.
"Please don't go," he whispered. "I'll come back to you. Me, Dean, I will come back to you. I promise," he begged.
He bent down and kissed her gently.
She broke the kiss and patted him on the chest. "Take care of yourself; you're too pretty to die."
"I'll come back to you, Buttercup. Just let me back in, Alexsandra Grace," he pleaded.
She couldn't help herself; she kissed him. She took it all in. She wanted to remember this feeling. He held her closely, tightly.
"God, I love you. I will always love you."
She turned around and quickly descended the steps, and within seconds, he heard the garage door slam. He just stood there for a long time, and her intoxicating scent hung in the air.
"Why did this have to happen? I could have had it all. Actually, I did."
He hung his head and sat down on the bed. He took Gram's ring into his hand. He held it tight in his fist and brought it up to his head. He pressed his fist against his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to hold back the tears. It didn't help. They came anyway. He lay down and took her pillow in his arms. He buried his face in it. It smelled like her. He continued to cry until he fell asleep.
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