Chương 22: Chapter 22: "I want a perfect soul."
"Circe, I wish you hadn't said anything to Snape." Lupin said exasperatedly.
He took one end of a desk and Circe grabbed the other. They hoisted the last of the tables out of the way, clearing space in his classroom.
"So you're more irritated that I told Snape off than at the fact I found out you're a werewolf?" She said incredulously.
"Shh! The students will be here any minute!" Remus quietened her. "True. I admittedly would have liked to have told you myself when I was comfortable doing so but… Life's rich tapestry and all that." Remus added with a large roll of the eyes.
"Well what was I meant to do? Let him go on bullying you?" Circe asked with a cynical raise of her brow.
"We both know that Severus will just concentrate his efforts elsewhere."
"He better bloody not." Circe said shortly. "Otherwise he'll have me to answer to."
Lupin laughed, perching on the end of the last desk. "You know… I wish I had more people like you who had my back in the outside world. Perhaps I would have spent less nights on the streets then."
"You would always have been welcome in my flat in Edinburgh, Remus." She said, laying a hand on his shoulder.
"Couch surfing." He said despondently. "Did plenty of that too."
"With who?"
"Lily and James for a while. And, of course, with Sirius before he…" He trailed off as he saw the look of surprise on Circe's face.
"I thought Severus mentioned you and Black's name together!" She said with ripped delight.
Lupin groaned and walked to his desk to sort through some papers evasively.
"You knew him?" Circe asked, folding her arms.
"He was...My closest friend."
"So in that year that was you, Sirius, James, Lily-"
"And Peter Pettigrew."
"Him? Oh, I was going to say Severus."
"Severus despised us all."
"Because James and Sirius bullied him, I know. Why though?"
"I think it was apparent, especially to James that he had… Well… A bit of a crush on Lily."
Circe felt her face drain of colour. Her stomach lurched as she leapt up from the desk.
"Lily Potter?"
"And you know how Severus can be. He is difficult to work with now. Imagine what he was like as a petulant teenager squaring up against other petulant teenagers as we were."
"No, wait. Go back to what you said before. Severus liked Lily Potter?"
"Evans, she was then. I believe they grew up in the same town in the Midlands. Cokeworth, I think it was called."
Circe had to sit down again. She had grown up not far from Cokeworth herself. Her Dad still lived about forty minutes from it still. But what was worse was the revelation of exactly why Severus skirted around issues to do with the Potters, why talking about them made him agitated and awful to be around. Something within her also suspected that the sad, haunted look in Severus's eyes was connected to the late Lily Potter too. She didn't know why it shook her so much. But she felt like weeping. Like collapsing in on herself like a dying star.
Do you really think Severus never had another thought for anyone before you turned up here? God, do you even know that Severus thinks about you the way you think about him at all?
This felt different to the run-of-the-mill jealousy she'd felt before for other potential lovers. She didn't feel jealous. She felt sad. Frightened. Like Severus's past was this great, insurmountable mountain and she was a mere molehill beside it. The dead were often placed on a pedestal. The memory of them becomes so ingrained into your psyche that it almost becomes a wholly different entity to who they really were. She'd admittedly done the same with her mother, until now she couldn't really tell someone what Phoebe Rogers was like if they asked. Of course it had to be Lily Potter; the graceful, beautiful, saintly martyr who died bravely protecting her son from an evil tyrant.
How can I ever compete with her?
"Circe, are you alright?" Remus asked gently.
The massive old wardrobe that Remus had at the front of the classroom rattled, stopping Circe from answering him.
"What's in there?" She asked, trying to stop her legs from shaking.
"Boggart."
"Oh God." Circe said with a grimace. "Who for?"
"The Third Years. Harry's class."
"Is that a good idea?" She asked, giving Lupin a worried look.
"What do you mean?"
Circe opened her mouth to answer when the first of the students came shuffling into the classroom. She turned to leave.
"Professor Smith, why don't you stay? If you have a spare hour, that is." Remus called after her quickly.
"I… um. Alright." She took a seat at the back of the room whilst the students coalesced together in the classroom's center.
She saw Draco Malfoy enter with his arm in a crisp white sling and sneered at the boy's back. Hagrid had come in tears to her and Minerva's rooms after the incident with Buckbeak. They'd both sat him down in the conservatory with a strong Irish coffee, whipped up by Mcgonagall as Circe handed him tissues. Malfoy Senior was out for blood after the "maiming" of his son, Hagrid had told them. He'd also called some of his more senior friends in the Ministry to summon a hearing around the animal's future and Hagrid's teaching integrity for allowing students to be in the presence of a dangerous creature such as a Hippogriff. It was an "I told you so" moment that Circe wished she'd never had. Nor would she ever dream of saying such a thing to the Giant as she rubbed his back whilst he soaked tissue after tissue in their conservatory. From the rumours she'd heard around the school, Malfoy hadn't done as he'd been told and that's probably why he'd been clobbered.
Pity we're not still in the days when we considered beatings to be "character building". Circe thought rather cruelly.
Remus changed to his professorly persona and ushered the class closer to the wardrobe. Circe couldn't help but watch as he talked to the students, fascinated at how her friend's teaching style was so charismatic and confident. It was always interesting watching a friend teach; how their persona changed when students were in front of them, the tone of their voice, the little habits they fell in to like over-emoting with their hands or saying "okay?" too much. As Remus explained the creature that lay within the wardrobe, Circe was glad that she had him to distract her from thoughts of Lily and Severus. She wandered over to the back of the room and peered out into the corridor for any last-minute stragglers. She saw Hermione disappear into the classroom at the other end of the corridor and closed the door.
"So the first question we must ask ourselves is, what is a Boggart?" Remus asked the class.
"It's a shapeshifter. It will take the form of whatever frightens us the most." said a fememine voice from the crowd of students.
Circe blanched as she maneuvered herself to see the person who had just answered Lupin's question.
Hermione…?! But I thought I just saw… She turned back to the corridor and blinked. Perhaps it was another girl with bushy hair… She theorised, taking off her glasses and giving them a clean. Perhaps it was time she went to the opticians.
"Precisely. Couldn't have put it better myself." Lupin congratulated her.
He went on to explain how to repel the Boggart and the correct charm to use, before placing the students into a neat line. He leaned in close to Neville, whispering instructions into the boy's ear and Circe watched a flash of surprise pass over the boy's face.
"You want me to do what, sir?" Neville couldn't help but flick his eyes towards Circe and she blushed a little, remembering the rather compromising position he had found her and Severus in a few days ago.
"You heard me." Remus said grinning widely at the boy. "Professor… will you do us the honours?" he called over to Circe, waving a sleeve at his gramophone.
Circe snapped to attention and strode over to the vinyl player.
She cast a glance down to the old record and smiled.
The sly devil, he's got me playing jazz to them. She thought, pursing her lips together in defeat as she cast Lupin a tart look.
Lupin returned her glance with a smile and another gesture towards the vinyl. She sighed and turned back to the record, getting the turntable spinning and placing the needle on the record of Glen Miller's 'In the Mood'. Remus tapped his toes and bobbed slightly to the upbeat tune, and Circe tutted as she smirked irksomely at him.
"Ahh, wonderful choice Professor!" he said.
"Mmm, yes, my Nan loves this one…" she responded flatly.
As music filled the classroom, Remus strode over to the wardrobe and flung open the door. It seemed like everybody held their breaths as they waited for the Boggart to appear. Circe was taken completely aback when Severus emerged from the wardrobe, staring murderously at poor Neville. Longbottom whimpered and visibly flinched as Snape took each step closer to him.
"Neville, we're going to back away and let you take this one. Remember what I told you." Remus said reassuringly to him. Neville raised his wand in front of him, shaking slightly. "On the count of three. One- Two- Three!"
"Rrrrr-ridikulus!"
Snape reeled back as the spell hit home. In lieu of his traditional head to toe black attire, he was now wearing a beige lace dress, paired with a pendulously swinging red handbag and a great chapeau topped with a moth-eaten taxidermied vulture.
Circe was the first to burst out into laughter. She covered her mouth, but it was done. The whole room erupted into laughter and the Boggart shrank back from the noise.
Oh wow, now there's an image I won't be getting out of my head soon.
The children shuffled down the line in orderly fashion, each waiting for the Boggart to respond to them and each using the defensive spell Lupin had taught them. Parvati defeated her Mummy, Seamus took down his Banshee, Dean sent his severed hand scampering away and Ron was squaring up nicely to the gargantuan spider before him. Circe wandered over to Remus's side as the spider lolled hopelessly from side to side as it's legs disappeared thanks to Weasley's spell.
"You must have known Neville's Boggart would have been that!" she said accusationally, giving Lupin a playful punch on the arm.
"I had a suspicion." he said, glancing over to her. "I thought it both would have done us some good to see Severus in an… interesting situation."
They both laughed.
Then Harry moved to the front of the line and Circe's face fell.
"Remus…" she said with alarm, pulling at his sleeve. "Remus, this is what I meant to tell you earlier. What will Harry's Boggart turn into?!"
He looked at her in confusion, but slowly realisation sparked behind his eyes. Remus's smile too fell away into a downcast frown and he looked from Harry to the morphing Boggart. Circe heard him gasp as he stepped forward. But it was too late, and floating ominously in the middle of the classroom was a Dementor. Circe felt her blood turn to ice as the glastly thing leered towards Remus and Harry. Even though it wasn't real, she still felt a cold chill gripping at her heart. Lupin stepped gallantly in between the demonic thing and Harry, and in a flash the Boggart changed into a silvery-white orb. Circe squinted at it and thought for a moment that it was a huge lightbulb or an orb, but she eventually came to the realisation that it was a moon. A full moon.
"Riddikulus! He shouted.
After a few moments, the Boggart was back in the wardrobe, pushed in finally by Neville again, giving Snape the what-for. The boy beamed from ear to ear, proud at his accomplishment, but Remus and Circe both wore faces of thunder. Lupin hastily concluded the lesson
"Well done everyone! Five points for everyone who tackled the Boggart, including Harry and Hermione."
"But I didn't do anything." Potter said, disappointment obvious in his voice.
"Well, always another day, eh? So, for homework please summarise the chapter on Boggarts in the textbook and hand in to me on Monday. That will be all."
The class shuffled out excitedly and Circe saw Harry linger for just a second too long as he watched Lupin carefully.
The poor boy must realise why Remus had to step in. She thought to herself.
Remus was evasively tidying through the papers on his desk again, refusing to look at Harry. Circe, however, could not take her eyes off him and she found herself wondering just how much like his mother he looked. The thought stabbed at her heart as she acknowledged it, watching Potter eventually leave, dragging his heels behind him.
"God, that was a close call." She said finally, walking to Remus's side.
"They saw…" he said in a low, pained voice. "They all saw the moon."
"They probably won't realise, Remus. I mean, it looked like a lightbulb to m-"
"They're kids, they aren't stupid Circe!" Lupin shouted, making her jump.
As he turned to her, she saw his eyes fill with tears. She had nothing for him.
Remus fled from the room and slammed open the classroom door. Circe did not call after him, letting him have his moment of grief. As the door collided with the wall, the Boggart gave another grumble of discontent from the wardrobe and Circe's attention snapped back to it. She walked up to the tall, sturdy piece of furniture slowly, laying a cautious hand on the handle.
What would I see…? What do I fear the most?
She cycled through a list of possibilities: her mother's walking corpse, her Dad dead, the Basilisk back to life and stalking her once more, the unsettling voice that tormented her dreams. As another loud rattle came from the inside, she pulled her hand back sharply with a gasp.
No… I can't. She thought as she backed away from the wardrobe hurriedly.
She was internally punishing her own cowardice as she walked out into the corridor. Something that a group of fourteen year olds could do, she couldn't. She was forced to come to a sudden halt as the class at the end of the corridor was let out and a stream of students came pouring into the space in front of her. She sighed exasperatedly and waited patiently for the students to finish coming out of the classroom when suddenly she froze up, her eyes almost popping out of her head. She watched, mouth agape as Hermione Granger came walking out of the classroom, her bookbag almost bursting at the seams and her arms carrying even more books.
What the flying fuck…?!
-----
"Minerva, you are possibly the poorest liar I have ever met." Circe said as she stood in the bathroom mirror, playing with her hair.
"I really don't know what you're talking about, dear." she replied with a purse of her lips, avoiding Circe's reflection as her eyes burned into the back of her head. Mcgonagall busied herself with sorting through a few of her clothes as Circe watched her with a suspicious squint.
"The Granger girl can't be in two places at once, and however she's doing it, you're covering for her!"
"Has there been a problem with her upkeep of work in your lessons?" Mcgonagall asked, placing her hands on her hips exasperatedly.
"No. She seems a bit frazzled and tired but-"
"Then I really can't disclose anything to you. I'm sorry Circe, but it's Ministry policy."
"Ministry? What's this got to do with the Ministry?" Circe asked, turning to face Minerva, her hair falling back down around her neck as she let go.
Minerva waved her wand and as she passed her fingers over her lips, they morphed into a zip knitting together. Circe groaned loudly and rolled her eyes, having garnered nothing useful from her friend. She turned back to the mirror and readjusted her lipstick.
"That's all Dumbledore's getting…." she said, placing the makeup back on the sink. "Calling a bloody Staff meeting at seven o'clock at night, what's he playing at!? What do we think it's about this year? Another arcane magical object needs protecting, or a new deadly, dangerous monster is stalking the school? Ooh! Or perhaps it's something to do with Black!"
"Oh, not a clue. Did you have plans?" Minerva asked, barely able to hide her smile under her green sleeve as she pretended to play dumb.
"Umm.. no. Not tonight." Circe said sheepishly.
It was her birthday today. So far she'd managed to squirrel away the cards and presents as Ziggy dropped them off at her window. No singerlers this year, thank God. She was glad that no attention was being directed toward her. But it was a Friday night, and birthday or not, she'd have preferred the evening to herself, rather than being called to a last minute Staff meeting in the evening.
"Leave your hair down. It's pretty like that." Minerva said gently, at her side in the mirror. She straightened up the celtic garnet brooch on her coat collar that she had gifted Circe on her first Christmas at Hogwarts.
"And where are you going, looking like that, Minerva?" Circe said with a smile. Mcgonagall had rather spruced herself up for the evening, wearing her best emerald green dress and hat. She even had a dash of rouge on her cheeks. "Am I going to have to start matching your efforts to look nice for Staff meetings?"
"Oh I'm… going down to the Three Broomsticks in the evening to meet with Rosmurta about underage drinking during the Hogsmeade trips."
"Minerva…. You're lying again." Circe said, eyeing up the older lady.
"Oh, come on." Mcgonagall tugged her forcefully by the arm and they were off to the Staff Room.
As the two women walked arm in arm down the quiet corridors, Minerva distracted Circe with Quidditch talk. The upcoming match against Gryffindor was fast approaching and Circe was feeling quietly confident, having coached the Ravenclaw team for just over a year now. They exchanged some friendly banter as they discussed some predictions for the match: who would get first goal, who was the player that had most improved, who would get a bludger to the chest first, who would catch the snitch. As they approached the two knights that guarded the Staff Room, Mcgonagall paused and turned to Circe, fussing over her curls and the position her brooch sat in again.
"Minerva, what are you doing?" Circe asked as she shrunk away from the woman's bony fingers. "Pedagogica magica." Circe spoke to the armor suits, a twinge of frustration in her voice.
"I … wanted to make sure you looked nice."
"Nice for a Staff meeting…?"
"I just want you to know that this was all Remus's idea…" Minerva said, pushing her forward.
"SURPRISE!" a cohort of voices shouted at Circe.
It took a second for her eyes to adjust to the gloom of the Staff Room, but there, standing as one cohort, was the entire Hogwarts staff in their party best, Remus at the front holding a birthday cake out to her. She squealed and almost jumped back, the fizzing party candles placed into the cake triggering a bit of a fight-or-flight response in her. But as realisation hit her, she laughed as her jaw almost hit the floor.
"Oh you arseholes..." she chuckled.
The staff laughed back.
------
Severus paced from one wall of his room to the other, his hands sweating and his mind ticking over his decision. Circe's birthday present sat propped up against his desk, huge and conspicuous and he chided himself again for buying it. He knew he'd purchased it in some foolhardy, vain attempt to try and outdo Lupin. He knew it was too much. He knew that it had been way too expensive, and yet he had bought it anyway. If he didn't go to the party then it would be a big fat waste. If he did, and Circe received her gift… well it still might not be enough to fix the rift between them.
"Do you really think you can buy your way back into her goodbooks, old man?" Severus muttered to himself, unable to stand still.
He kicked at the post of his bed and sat down on his mattress with a heavy slump. He placed his head in his hands and pulled frustratedly at his hair. His mind wandered back to the day when he had seen Circe laughing and joking with their colleagues on the way to the Three Broomsticks. He imagined it was much the same with her party, happening above on the surface. Her beautiful smile, her eyes radiating laughter and happiness as she talked with others. Her eyes…
God, she could never be a spy. Every perfect little thought or emotion she has is projected out in those wonderful eyes.
Nausea gripped him again as he acknowledged the asinine thoughts he was having. Here he was, sitting in his dark rooms like some covetous Tempest-esque monster, leering at a woman beyond his means. Shadows covered his face as his hair hung limply over his features. Why did this feel so hard? So difficult? He wished, now more than ever, that he could summon the mental energy for socialisation. At least make a good go at being extraverted for her sake. He had never been sociable, true, but there were times last year when he would have killed to have a moment with Circe.
"Will she even want me there?" he whispered to the air around him. "I doubt it. Conversation and charisma-vacuum, that I am."
He stared down at the green carpet on the floor, beneath his shoes. Unable to think straight, unable to stop wringing his hands as they ceased to sweat. He looked up to his desk and saw the present leaning against the table again, the mere sight of it sending a stab of pain through his guts. His eyes wandered over to the picture of Eileen Prince he kept on the desk's surface. Old, black and white, a formal portrait with her hands folded neatly in her lap. It was a muggle photograph as his father would never have permitted a wizarding picture in his house. It was the only thing of hers that had arrived for him after her death at Spinner's End. Severus inhaled deeply, as he stared at his mother's likeness. She looked back at him with a fierce intensity, not unlike some of the looks Circe had given him of late, and a shiver passed through him as he spotted the similarity hidden there. Eileen Prince glared at her son with a look of hard reproachfulness. He could almost hear her voice in his head….
Get up there right now, young man. Find your spine!
He rose from the bed and grabbed the present.
Wrapped up as it was, it was difficult to carry. Severus had to hold it in both hands, stopping occasionally to reaffirm his sliding grip on it as his palms were still moist.
Oh God, what am I doing…. He lamented to himself as he stood outside the Staff Room.
He could hear the music from the party and the raised voices of his colleagues in high spirits already. The beat boomed dully through the walls and it seemed as if it was an echo of Severus's own skittish heart.
"Pedagogica magica." he spoke, a glimmer of uncertainty present in his voice.
He walked through into the Staff Room, the celebration in full swing. The music hit his ears at full blast.
"When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry…"
Someone had dimmed the lights and a series of flashing colourful party lights were bouncing off the walls. Severus looked around the room, at all of his colleagues in animated conversation, laughing, drinking, some dancing. Sybill Trelawney looked like she was doing her best Stevie Nicks impression as she spun around in a circle solitarily, keeping time to the music. Severus raised a judgemental brow at her as he moved inside the room, managing to avoid the attention of most. He looked around for Circe, but couldn't find her yet. So he opted to move towards her pile of presents and slip his contribution into their midst before anybody noticed it was from him. It was by far the biggest of the bunch…
"You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special."
"WEEEEE LIKE TO DRINK WITH CIRCEEEEEE…!"
The chant made Severus jump and he looked towards the kitchenette.
"CAUSE CIRCE IS OUR MATE! AND WHEN WE DRINK WITH CIRCEEEEE SHE GETS IT DOWN IN EIGHT...SEVEN...SIX….FIVE..."
He followed the chant and there Circe was, trying to get a tray of firewhiskey shots inside her as quick as she could, egged on by a few of their colleagues. She put away her third shot and grimaced.
"No more… no more…" she laughed as Rolanda gave her a firm pat on the back.
"Ahh, ye wuss! I put awae five... Ye cannae drink like a true Scot!" Minerva said, pointing at her on wobbly feet, her accent noticeably stronger under the effects of the alcohol.
Remus, looking also a bit befuddled and ruddy from drink, passed Circe her mojito back to her, grinning widely at her display. Circe took a cautious sip of the cocktail, trying to cleanse her mouth out from the burning whiskey still lingering on her tongue. They talked to one another, their words lost in the sway of the music, but Severus could not look away from them, no matter how much it pained him to do so. The sight of Remus put him on edge again, especially as he stood at Circe's side with such ease and comfort, making her laugh, bringing out the shine of her eyes and the glow of her skin. Severus suddenly felt like an impostor.
She doesn't even know I'm here…. What the hell am I doing? I don't belong here.
He suddenly felt voyeuristic again. Watching her in this moment of happiness. The monstrous Caliban lusting and longing for Miranda from his sea cave. He wanted to use his legs, to walk over to her and break out of his introspective self-hatred. But he just couldn't. He couldn't bear to watch her smile fall even a little bit, as surely it would when he surprised her and joined the conversation. He'd rather remove himself from the party before he spoilt an ounce of her happiness. The room suddenly felt small, the music too loud, he too tall and too imposing. Perhaps he just didn't belong around joy and kind people. It felt as if the room was rejecting him. Like Circe was rejecting him with what and who she was. He was a black blob of balsamic vinegar in a golden tray of olive oil. He knew it wasn't her fault that he felt like this, but it still caused his heart to ache.
"My child, my child!" Trelawney called from behind him. The woman came barging past Snape, charging at Circe with a mad look in her eye. "Let me read the leaves for you!" she said, accosting Circe and gesturing to her mojito.
"It's mint leaves, Sybill, not tea!" she said, giggling.
"Ahh semantics!" the Divination Professor said with a casual wave of her hand.
Circe rolled her eyes at Remus and he snorted, almost sending his own drink spewing out of his nose. She knocked back the rest of the cocktail and handed it over to Trelawney. As she waited for the woman to make her summations, peering deeply into her glass, Circe thought she saw the flurry of a black cloak in the darkness.
Was… was that….?
She scanned the room, but her Byronic colleague was nowhere to be seen. Her heart sank and she let her brave face slip for the briefest of moments. Remus gave her a nudge and gave her a quizzical thumbs up, asking if she was okay. She nodded silently as Lupin moved to fetch her another drink. Perhaps she expected too much of Severus to think that he would be here. But she still would have forsworn everyone else in this room to have had him here. Lay down their arms for a night. Just for her birthday...
-----
It was 3 am and the party was winding down. Remus and Circe both sat on the grass outside the Staff Room in the middle of the quad her and her friends used to sit in when she was young. They both lay on their backs, staring up into the clear night sky. The stars were spinning above her in velvety blackness as she tried to sober up in the coldness of the night air. Circe took a drag of the cigarette they were sharing and passed it back to Remus. She could see Rolanda and Pomona slow-dancing with one another through the frosted glass as the party lights illuminated their silhouettes. She'd have to fish Minerva out of the armchair she'd passed out in before she took them both off to bed…
"Your turn." Remus said, his hot breath clouding in front of him as he gave her a nudge. It was a little slurred but still merry.
"Uhh.. truth."
"Alright. How long have you had feelings for Severus?"
"I... Wh-...Remus!" she said in alarm, colouring deep red.
He laughed heartily at her side and took a drag. Circe sighed and looked back up at the stars. It was pointless to lie to him and the whiskey in her belly lowered her inhibitions and smothered the sense of alarm at revealing her innermost desires.
"For about a year and a half." She grumbled.
"Knew it."
"You did not. It was a fluke guess."
"I did. All you've done all evening is wait for him to turn up. I thought your eyes would roll out of your head with the amount of times you looked towards the Staff Room door. I could practically smell the pining coming off you."
"Mean. Mean and rude." Circe said jovially.
"How much… do you like him?" Remus asked, barely able to keep the smile from his voice.
"Uh, no! That's two questions!" she said, prevaricating him. "And I'm not nearly drunk enough to force myself to go down that route." she said, rubbing at the bridge of her nose.
She had never been the crying, emotional type of drunk and she wasn't about to start now… She'd spent the whole evening building up an emotional wall around her and Severus and if Remus removed a stone of that now he'd be wiping away her mascara into the dawn.
"It's your turn."
"Pfft, truth."
"What's the situation with you and Black?" Circe asked a little too enthusiastically.
"I told you he was my best friend-"
Oh come on, Remus. I can smell the pining coming off you! And I'm not even a werewolf! How evasive you are whenever anyone talks about him…I mean, you said that you lived with him for Christ sake."
"Fine, fine, fine…" Remus sucked in his breath and groaned in discomfort. "We were close. Very close in school. He... and James... went to great pains so he could be with me when I transformed. To look out for me. To have my back when no one else would. He was my family when I had no one... " Remus trailed off, unable to continue.
Circe sat up and looked at her friend, far away in a memory as he stared up into the sky. A single tear ran down the side of his face.
"You loved him."
He looked to her with surprise in his eyes and sat up too. He stared at the cigarette in his hand, let out a long breath and nodded.
"My… my life fell apart quite soon after his arrest. After it was published what had happened to Peter…. What he did to Peter."
Circe took the cigarette from him and listened. This seemed like something Remus had been aching to say for a very long time indeed.
"But what really destroyed me is what he did to James and Lily. For a long time I didn't believe it… I couldn't believe it. I couldn't understand why he'd betray them both to Voldemort. Him and James were like brothers. Thick as thieves. He adored Harry. Sirius was brash, hot headed, impetuous, but he would never do something like that…"
"And now? What do you believe now?"
"I don't know. I have to believe what I'm told, don't I? What the Ministry court said. What the Prophet published. Isn't it a type of madness to refute what is black and white in front of you? If he's hell bent on coming back here, to Hogwarts, like we've been hearing…"
"Do you think he's here for you?" Circe asked, her eyes growing wide.
"Circe…" Lupin grumbled.
"Sorry… sorry." She raised her hands defensively.
How awful it must be for him. Circe thought. The scars from that betrayal must run very deep indeed.
Circe knew Severus had done some terrible things, but killed people? Betrayed a former friend and ally? That must be a pain that outshines even the most vicious of his transformations. She finally understood what Myron had said to her that night outside the Dirty Duck about the mate that's been pulled away from his girlfriend for the first time. The fact that Remus missed Sirius was in every fall of his foot, every syllable he uttered, every faraway glance out to the mountains. How she wished she could shoulder some of his pain for him. She knew enough of Remus's nature to know that he would blame himself for what happened all those years ago, taking responsibility for the tragedy when there was none to lay at his door. People had told him all his life that he was evil, after all. Wrong. Dangerous. She could only imagine the voluminous venom Remus must have received when the wizarding community found out he'd lived with Black at the time of the Potter's deaths. She knew she'd broken the spell that had lulled Remus into talking openly on Sirius and her shoulders deflated.
"Your turn. Truth or Dare?"
"I think we stopped doing dares about forty minutes ago."
Circe laughed. "So why not just ask what we want to ask?"
Remus went quiet. Staring into Circe's face for a moment. "Do you think werewolves are… can ever be worthy of someone's love?"
"Oh, Remus…" Circe breathed, her eyes clouding with sympathetic tears. "You don't really believe that, do you?"
She lay a hand on his face and turned him gently to her.
"Everybody I have ever trusted… everyone I have ever loved… They're now either dead or lost to me, Circe. That can't just be coincidence." Remus uttered, his eyes growing glassy.
Circe was lost for words. She wanted to scream at him, shout into his face until he understood that he was precious, special, worthy.
She leaned in and lay a chaste kiss on his lips.
Lupin was quiet for a while, smiling sadly at Circe. Circe blinked back at him, still processing what had just happened.
Both of them went quiet for a few moments, silently thinking.
"And how was that?" he asked lightly, his mood seeming to bounce back somewhat. Back to the level-headed, stoic Remus she knew.
"You know in….Back to the Future..?" she said slowly.
"'It's like I'm kissing my brother'." he quoted, huffing at her with a small grin.
He understood. There had been nothing there in that kiss. In fact, it had almost felt wrong. She had done it as a desperate attempt to make Remus feel loved, but Circe feared it had only confused the poor chap further.
"Sorry." she said sheepishly.
"No, don't be. You were only trying to cheer me up. I'm actually rather glad that you don't..." He paused for a moment, fumbling for the right words. "Because I don't either."
Despite the awkwardness of it, Circe felt a weight lift off her shoulders. She was glad that she'd resolved her relationship with at least one of her male colleagues.
"Friends, always?" she asked.
"Friends." he said with a smile.
They both sat back and stared up at the stars for a contented, quiet moment.
Maybe it's a good thing Severus didn't come this evening... Circe thought to herself.
"Well, you and I shall be the 'pine' siblings." Remus said suddenly. When Circe gave him a look of confusion, he elaborated. "It seems that both of us rather have our romantic attentions allotted elsewehere. So, we shall be stinking of woody, fresh unrequited love until our final days." He gave her a nudge on the shoulder which almost sent her topping back over into the grass.
"You're always so chipper." Circe said sarcastically as she lit another cigarette.
"Come on, there must be some burning, shameful question that you have that will lay you bare too." Remus sighed.
Circe knew what she wanted to ask. It had sat on her lips ever since the day in Lupin's classroom with the Boggart. Itching to be spoken aloud. But thinking of it even now made the jealous bile rise up in her throat and she swallowed hard. She breathed in deep, sucking the cold air into her lungs in the hopes that she would freeze into an unharmable ice queen. It did little to calm her nerves before she took the plunge…
"Tell me what Lily Evans was like."
Remus smiled at her, as if he'd known that that was what she'd been aching to ask.
"She was… uncommonly kind. Wonderfully clever. Fiercely loyal. Like Sirius, she was there for me at a time when no one else was. And… she was like you."
Circe blanched, her head snapping towards Lupin. "What? Why?"
"She had a way of seeing the beauty in others even, and perhaps most especially, when that person couldn't see it in themselves." He finished with a warm wink of his eye.
Had it been what she'd wanted to hear or not? She couldn't decide. And had Lupin been referring to Severus or himself? That she couldn't figure out either. All she knew is that Lily Evans was still this angelic, exceptional, infallible person and she was just she. Unspecial and unremarkable, no matter what Remus did to try and pacify her.
"I think I would have felt better if you'd told me she was a monster." Circe grumbled.
"I can't be anything less than completely honest to her memory, Circe."
"I know. And that's why I trust you, Remus. Even when I need to hear things I don't especially want to hear." she said, rising to her feet.
Lupin stood too and he lay a hand on her shoulder.
"Happy Birthday, Circe."
Circe flinched at the birthday wishes, but nevertheless she reached out and hugged Lupin and he squeezed her tight. "Thank you."
They both walked back inside the Staff Room where a few lingerers still kept the party going. Remus excused himself and set off to his bed. Circe was left sat by herself, near her present pile. She felt morose, rolling around Lupin's summation of Lily in her head.
Of course she was kind, of course she was compassionate, of course she was the loveliest person to ever walk the earth… Circe thought bitterly as green eyed envy wriggled away in her stomach.
How can I ever compete with her… she thought again.
She lay a hand on the biggest present of the bunch and began half-heartedly opening it. In her hazy, half-drunk state she didn't register what it was until it was completely free of wrapping paper and she froze. A guitar case.
"Wha-? Who…?" she muttered, laying it on the floor and opening the lid cautiously.
She gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. It was a Martin LX1 acoustic guitar, in a beautiful dark cherry wood. The same model as the guitar Kurt Cobain played live. Fourteen perfect frets, beautifully rounded, lightweight and small for travelling ease. She stroked it reverently, in complete shock.
These are… five hundred pounds. At least! Who gave me this? She thought.
A neat little blue envelope rested on top of the strings in answer to her question. She picked it up and tore it open, her hands shaking in anticipation.
"Dear Circe,
I thought long and hard about what you might want for your Birthday. And I couldn't think of anything else that would belong in your hands more.
Please accept this as a gift of apology, sincerity and the promise of auspiciousness.
I know you despise it when people say this but... Happy Birthday.
From,
Aunt Bessie."
"Oh, from a relative is it?" Sybill Trelawney said at Circe's shoulder. She jumped in alarm at the closeness of the woman's voice to her ear.
"What?"
"From your Aunt, is it not?" she pointed towards the card. "How odd, I thought your leaves foretold of a meaningful gift from a… romantic love, not a familial love."
"Umm… yeah. My Aunt." She closed the case lid hurriedly and rebuckled the clasps. "Excuse me Sybill." she mumbled, picking up the case by the handle and running away from the party.
-----
Dawn was creeping through the windows of Remus's classroom as Circe sat on one of the spare desks. The guitar played beautifully and she'd worn away her fingers into red, stinging pads as she'd played aimlessly. Hours drifting by, soundtracked only by the gentle pluck of the strings. Her hands had a way of playing the songs she felt, without her knowing. Her mind was somewhere else as she stared at the rapidly encroaching beam of sunlight on the classroom floor. Yet her fingers played and her throat hummed.
"I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
So fucking special
I wish I was special."
Circe came to a halt and she placed the guitar on the floor. She sniffed and wiped her face, unsure of when she'd started crying. She saw her reflection in the laqueur of the instrument: dark, shadowed and hollow-looking, and by God she felt it. She theorised that she'd have to give it back to Severus. She couldn't accept such an expensive gift. But why had he done it? As some show of his promise to do better, as he'd said in his card? Or was there another reason? Something hidden in the subtext that seemed too obvious to be true? Before she had been content and comfortable in her anger with Severus, after the Dementor's attack and after their tête-à-tête in the Potions storage room. Now she wasn't sure what she felt, other than the queasy feeling of fear.
She knew why she'd come to Lupin's classroom, instead of going to her own, or back to her and Minerva's rooms. Perhaps she'd even waited for daylight to give her a dram of artificial courage. She'd been trying to summon up her bravery all night. She needed to see…
The Boggart rattled in the wardrobe in front of her.
Circe rose to her feet slowly and pulled her wand from her pocket. She drew in a shaky breath and routed her feet firmly to the ground.
She pointed it at the wardrobe, trying desperately to stop her hand from shaking.
"Alohomora." she said nervously, and the door swung open achingly slowly.
The hinges creaked in the cavernous silence of the room. The only sound to accompany Circe's short, nervous breaths.
A delicate hand curled around the door.
Soon it was followed by a pale, beautiful face framed by a shock of long auburn red hair.
The woman stood before Circe; tall, beautiful and elegant. Looking at her with eyes of staunch, cold fastidiousness. She didn't need to say anything to know that she viewed Circe as her inferior; summing her up in a single glance and finding her startlingly lacking, the corner of her mouth twinging callously. She had Harry's eyes...
Circe gazed back at her miserably and sighed, whispering to the Boggart...
"Hello Lily."
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