Chương 3: Always
Who am I? How did I get here? What God have I crossed to deserve such a fate? I never thought I would be experiencing such torture. Not to mention I walked into this situation willingly.
Whatever I have done I take it back. I will build a shrine to the Greeks/Romans/Egyptians/Norse/Hindu/Celts/Mayan hell even the Great Old Ones. Whoever I have offended I swear I shall make amends even if it takes me literally eons. Just take me away from this suffering.
"The next rebellion was led by Stogerd The Sliver Touched. His name was bestowed on him at the age of five when he tripped and fell in a vat of molten silver. He was surprisingly completely fine maybe by Magic's grace itself. He did have pieces of molten silver fused with his flesh. It gave him a measure of magical conductivity that not many of his kind had. He was one of the primary reasons that Goblins were forbidden wands. As he slew a rather large amount of magicals. This of course did not happen until 1657." The ghost's dull tone took any excitement out of learning about history. He just kept going on and on never pausing and never emoting. The subject itself was fine even slightly interesting but I can't retain any of it with him speaking. Not to mention this is the 5th year that we have talked about nothing but goblins. Maybe this class is the reason Potter is such an idiot? No, it can't be I can see the tosser sleeping right over there. Of course, no one cares as there are plenty of individuals sleeping.
You might be asking why so many people are taking History when it's optional if this is what they do. For free credit obviously, the History exam requires no actual skill with magic and Bins has been using the same test for the past 60 years. Now the real question is why was I taking this subject or better yet why Snape did. He clearly felt the same disdain I feel for the ghost.
Well, the answer to that is honestly the same as to why Potter was in this class. Lily. She has always been an overachiever and she wanted to throw herself into the magical world fully. So she insisted on taking this tortuous class no matter how much Snape tried to convince her it was a waste of time. He was right of course but even knowing that Lily was far too stubborn for her own good as she still insisted on attending this class every year. Snape being the good old loved obsessed idiot that he was, followed her.
She was probably the only reason he could stand these lessons previously. She never approved of chatting while the professor was speaking even if said professor was Bins. Just being in her presence was enough to make his day. So you can imagine why this was such an agonizing experience for me now.
Lily is obviously not sitting anywhere near me. Nor is she sitting that close to Potter as his blatantly sleeping would have pissed her off something fierce. So he tended to make himself rather scarce in this class. Which was a mistake on Potter's part as she clearly had something else on her mind. She was barely taking any notes. She was sitting three rows in front of me a rather deliberate action on her part as this way she did not have to look at me. Seeing her lost look when she saw the emotionless doll I became was promising.
Even now I can see her doing small actions that she was used to doing with Snape before flinching away from her seatmate. She would lean a little too close to check if her seatmate was listening. She would open her mouth to make a simple idle comment before snapping it shut sometimes. She would swat her friends before realizing she should probably hold back a bit and apologizing. She would. She would. She would. So many little actions that cause these bitter emotions to swirl like a whirlpool. Even as I am now she would always be at the forefront of my mind. She was like gravity something about her would always draw my gaze. Even if it hurt, I could not stop myself. I don't like this new found vulnerability. Still, there is something oh so intoxicating about it.
I wonder if I showed her this bitter shirl of emotions fully would she weep for me? If only for a moment would she care. Would she forget about her own pain and see her best friend once more? I can't stop thinking about what ifs. In actuality, I can't stop thinking about her. The thing is I don't think I will ever be capable of not thinking about her. Even with Snape's emotions locked in a vice grip I can't not feel for her. Or maybe it's just I don't want to not feel for her. Snape's magic has been incredibly obedient to me but what if I did not even know what I wanted?
I wonder if she is in a similar position. Do thoughts of me haunt her? Does her chest beat and break for me? Does she recall all these small moments that made my life? Does she fondly remember doing nothing and just being beside each other? Does she want to hold me? Probably not even if she is hurting I know she never felt the same way Snape felt for her. Which was probably healthy Snape felt far too much for her. I guess I'm kind of stuck feeling those things now.
If I lost her like Snape would have. I think I would make the same kind of vow. She will always have my heart and soul. Always. Isn't that a joke? A brand new soul born of two shattered individuals and it will forever be bound by a shade of those feelings. I don't think I would have it any other way. This is the problem. It's not Bin's monotone voice or his incessant chattering. It's not the boring subject that Snape has read a thousand times. No, it's being in her presence. The sight of her drives me mad. Her being is a hauntingly familiar melody that shoothes me and hurts me all the same. I long for her, I want to hold her tightly till daybreak. I would burn if it made her happy. If I stopped being this doll for a moment in her presence would she be terrified of the depths of my madness? Or would she see that same lonely boy she once loved?
When she was not near I thought I had a handle of myself. That turned out to be a lie that I firmly believed. If I felt like I was sinking in Snape's emotions before I can definitely say I am drowning in them now. Sadly for me, there is not a lifeguard in sight I'm stuck here drowning and I can't even muster the effort to struggle to breathe. I need to leave, it's not like Bins is going to care. I just can't be here or I might do something I'll regret.
I stand up quickly gathering my things in a hurry. I don't even notice the noise I make as I try to flee. That is until I look up. She is looking at me. Everyone but Bins is but only she matters. Maybe she turned around in curiosity, probably forgetting exactly who was behind her. As her gaze locks with mine I feel my knees go weak but it's irrelevant. My heart feels like it might rip through my chest and my guts feel like they're spilling but it's irrelevant. As her emerald eyes match mine I can feel the vicelock I have on my emotions slip for just a moment.
As my sorrow, pain, melancholy, love, obsession, and all the other emotions I can't even name surge. I can do nothing but stare as if locked in time. I can only imagine what she sees in that moment but it feels like an eternity before she flinches away and the spell breaks. I don't even bother gathering the rest of my things it's just some parchment and quills I can get new ones. I flee from this hell hole. I can feel my eye's stinging and I think tears are already spilling but I make it out of the classroom before anyone really sees. Not that I care it really sells the broken bird story but I never expected that story to be so god damn real. It was supposed to be a manipulation tactic but I have no handle on Snape's passion. I can't help but laugh at myself as I try to find an empty classroom so I can rest and collect myself. You won Snape, you can even cause me to lose control from the grave. Maybe you took offence at me trying to manipulate Lily but if you really want her you are going to have to follow my lead.
She would have never loved the prideful stoic Snape not the way you wanted to at least. I can promise you that. My heart feels like it is being ripped apart at that but I just laugh. You're not even sure if you deserve her love. You want but you're oh so afraid. Too afraid to take a step because what happens if she runs when you do? You always knew you were not what she wanted. I'm not even sure if I am talking to Snape or myself anymore. Isn't that a joke, there is no Snape just a fool who has the same doubts but wants all the same. Snape's emotions memories and decisions are not his anymore they are mine. I can't blame a specter of the past for these things. It is the way it is and I just have to accept it. I love Lily, I love her so much it hurts. I can't get her out of my mind and I would chase her till the ends of the world. I don't have any control here. All of my plans revolve around changing fate and the world for her. Only her. Always.
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