Chương 30: The Aftermath
The familiar scent of hay acquainted itself with Holden's nose once more as he sat up. For a moment he rubbed his eyes and glanced around the room, haziness inhabiting his mind while he took in his surroundings. He was in the same barnyard the trio arrived in before the fight against the pig, although his clothes had changed. No longer were the fabrics stained with the all too familiar crimson mark, nor were they doused in the stench of rot. Now wearing a clean pair of jeans and a fresh purple shirt, Holden realized they were clothes he'd packed ahead of time.
Standing and stretching his limbs, he slowly moved forward and pushed against the wooden entrance, walking past while a soft creak announced itself with the door's opening. He shielded his eyes with his dirtied hands, squinting against the brightness of the outside momentarily before his vision adjusted.
As he got his bearing the world became clearer and he lowered his arms. Something about the environment felt different. A substantial shift in attitude surrounded him. While the sadness and loss still remained like an unwanted scab, it was more like a dug-up memory than anything else. A scar that closed only recently, and while it still stung, the pain would dull eventually. His eyes focused and allowed him further clarity of the world around him, and with it, he saw the animals of the fairground before him.
They walked the trails and ate all the herbage they could ever desire. Many of them were smaller and less developed than the ones Holden interacted with before, though it took him only a moment to figure out why. As the pig spawn no longer roamed the grounds like a cancer rotting the body from the inside, the children no longer had to survive in secrecy. Freely they bathed in the warm embrace of the sun, munching on greenery and curling at the feet of their parents. The food available for them greatly increased as Natasha used her ability to spread an abundance of nutritious flora. With her aid, what was once a land with sparse feeding zones became a bountiful harvest for those who roamed it.
In the center of the now bustling walkways were Pepper and Natasha. Natasha held a small yellow ball in the palm of her hand, her fingers curling around it as she debated with herself on what direction to throw. As moths to a flame, Pepper and many young cryptids circled her, their attention fully dedicated to the fetch toy in her hand.
Their eyes softened like melted butter, pleading with Natasha to let them give chase as though their lives depended on it. Pepper furiously wagged her tail and barked, the dog standing first and foremost among the captivated audience. Beside her was the baby goat Natasha comforted in the past, its elongated horns wiggling in the air with the fluidity of water, much to Holden's surprise.
Finally deciding where she wanted to guide the toy, Natasha wrapped a thin streak of grass around the ball, whipping the toy back a dozen feet behind her. When it stretched back as far as it could she flung it forward, propelling the ball hundreds of feet into the air. Before the dust could begin to settle the cryptids and Pepper had run off, their tongues dragging along outside their mouths as they galloped as fast as their legs would allow.
Holden's eye twitched ever so slightly as he watched Natasha. While her thoughts consisted of wondering which cryptid would get to the ball first, Holden began considering the events of the fight he'd been in. Although the memories of what happened were still fuzzy, he recalled how he lost control. His body began acting on its own, lashing out against anything that posed a threat to him.
Like an outsider looking in he had to see through the eyes of his body while it rampaged and slaughtered whatever it could get its hands on. His fingers twitched as he recalled how he heated his fists, smashing them against the wooden barrier Natasha constructed to protect herself and Jackson.
He took a small step towards her, hesitating ever so slightly as his breath caught in his throat. Before he could move further a hand gripped his arm. Holden turned to face Jackson, the tall man standing behind him and holding a scowl on his face.
"You're awake. I take it you feel more like yourself?"
"Something like that," Holden replied. His voice dropped to a whisper as he spoke, forcing the words out lest he choke on them.
"Do you remember anything this time?"
"Yeah, I do." Holden hung his head down, observing as his fingers fidgeted with each other. He quickly stopped and forced his hands into his pockets before looking Jackson in the eyes once more.
"What's with that look? We got what we came here for. The animals don't have to worry about their safety anymore. You shouldn't look so gloomy," Jackson sarcastically declared.
"Don't play coy," Holden muttered. "I'd rather you just be real than do... whatever the Hell this is."
Jackson released a deep sigh and sat down. Holden decided to join him, and together they watched for a while as Natasha continued to throw the yellow toy as it was brought back to her. Pepper seemed particularly good at retrieving it before the others, possessing excellent body control for her age.
"She's in her own world. No use in bothering her right now, she's at her happiest like this. Let her have this moment," Jackson said.
"Yeah, I suppose I owe her that much." Holden allowed the sound of scampering critters and joyous yips to settle in his ears, taking it in before refocusing on Jackson. "Seriously though, what's with you? Don't you have anything to say?"
"Natasha asked me not to blow up at you. Not that I planned on kicking your ass again for what you did, but... I'm trying to abide by Natasha's wishes. It's her mission, after all."
"Are you for real? You can drop that, she's not paying attention to us right now. She's gonna be busy with her little game over there for a while. So, come on. Stop acting so unnaturally, it's not doing us any good. Just say it."
"Why, would me berating you make you feel better? Would it make you feel like you've made up for what you did? Like you could scrub it off your conscience more easily?"
Holden rolled his eyes and rested his chin on top of his hand. For a while he tapped his fingers against his cheek, chewing on what Jackson had said to him.
"I don't know about all that, but I do know that this isn't working. Call me crazy, but I'm not for this passive-aggressive bullshit. Stop walking on eggshells already, this isn't how you are. I should know."
"Saying it is self-indulgent. You already know what I think, don't you? There's no point like I said. I'm more interested in what you think." Jackson kept his vision ahead of him, not even acknowledging Holden with a sideways glance.
"Is she alright," Holden asked. He removed his hands from his pockets and sunk his nails into the soft soil underneath him. Drawing lines into the dirt seemed to distract him from the slight tightness in his chest. Even though Natasha seemed to be in good spirits, conflicting thoughts squirmed in the back of his mind. Thoughts he couldn't just casually dispose of.
"Yeah. She'll be fine. You didn't do any lasting damage to her. The parts of her body that are plant-based grow back without issue."
Silence imposed itself once more before Holden broke it again, pushing past the vicious lump that formed in his throat as he spoke.
"Did it... hurt her?"
"Yeah," Jackson replied with a slight nod of his head. "I'm not going to lie to you. There are rumors that hybrids like her with 'defections' don't feel pain like the rest of us. Any discomfort they might show a trick, something they do to manipulate others. None of that is true. They feel pain just like us. Even on the parts of their body that aren't quite human."
Holden shook his head, gazing up at the ocean-blue sky. He wiped a few strands of hair out of his way as a light breeze guided them in front of his eyes. His body shook, even if it were hardly noticeable, the cool air around him reminding him of how light his body felt as it fought against people he didn't wish to hurt.
"I didn't mean for it to go down that way."
"But it did go down that way. And it didn't have to," Jackson replied. "When you said you'd be selfish on your own time, I thought you'd at least live up to that on this mission."
"I meant it. It's not like I was trying to mess things up, you should know that. At the time I really thought I had the upper hand, that's all."
"Well, you didn't. We gave you a simple task given your lack of experience, and you decided to take matters into your own hands."
"I thought you weren't going to say things I already know," Holden retorted. His voice rose as he spoke to the man beside him, a half frown playing across his lips before retracting as quickly as it arrived.
"And I thought you weren't going to make excuses."
Holden chewed on the inner part of his lip, doing his best not to snap back against the criticism he faced.
"It's not an excuse. If you're wondering whether I regret what I did or if I'm embarrassed, the answer is of course I am. And it's not going to happen again. That kind of lapse in judgment, I mean."
Holden nudged Jackson's shoulder, gesturing to the man to meet him eye to eye. Finally, he did, acknowledging Holden with a subtle shift in his vision.
"I wasn't lying when I said I wanted to help you guys as well as the animals here. I thought I could handle my opponent, and I didn't want to unnecessarily burden you or Natasha with what I thought was my responsibility. I didn't come here just so I could be a liability and not pull my weight."
"Be that as it may, and as much as I can understand that mindset, you need to understand what we are as a unit. You've barely dipped your toes into this kind of life, but surely even you're aware that a single mistake can cost you everything."
Jackson decided upon his next words carefully, his lip quivering as if to continue only to stop while the words danced on the tip of his tongue. Only when he was sure of what he wanted to say did he finish, his accusational mannerisms giving way to a more neutral one.
"If you mean what you say, you'll realize you need to trust us. You'll have to believe that our survival and your survival are intertwined, and your actions impact more than just yourself."
"That's... weirdly insightful from someone like you," Holden said, taken aback by how mild Jackson sounded. "And also, kind of hypocritical. You didn't even trust me when you met me. Not that I expected you to. But here you are, talking to me about placing my faith in people."
"I acknowledged I was being too hostile. There was no guarantee you'd even stick around. I'd rather get rid of a problem comrade early on than cater to their comfort and have it backfire in the long term," Jackson answered. "And someone like me, huh," Jackson asked as he tilted his head. "I guess you have some idea of me in your head, much like I have an idea of you in mine. But you should be aware that the things you've experienced aren't unique to you. You're not the only person in the world who's felt responsible for others. Though I'd wager your brand of responsibility is on the immature side."
"Really now? You have no idea how the things you say sound to people, do you? Whatever, I'll bite. What the Hell is that supposed to mean?"
Holden's attention briefly drifted to Natasha and her posse, curious as to why the noise they were making began to die down.
Both her and her cryptid friends grew tired of playing fetch, so they all sat down in a circle and - as far as Holden could tell - spoke to each other. Natasha produced a bundle of flowers and thin vine segments and crafted crowns for the creatures around her, placing them atop their heads with utmost care.
"Your kind of responsibility is the one that tells you to act first and think second. You may think you've thought things through, but you haven't actually. If you're not weighing all your options, how can you possibly make an informed decision? Wondering how you can resolve a conflict is where your thought process begins and ends. The advantages the people around you can offer are neat, but don't factor into the equation all that much."
"And you're saying that's the kind of thought process that puts good people in harm's way, aren't you?"
Holden huffed and watched Pepper raise her hand to shake Natasha's. In return, the girl clapped her hands together and fed the dog a small treat. Pepper wagged her tail with nothing short of pure satisfaction and ate the biscuit before sitting next to the baby goat, affectionately licking its head. Holden was astounded by just how well the two connected, especially given the grave circumstances the Cryptid was in all its life.
"It's not what I'm saying. You saw it for yourself."
Holden didn't react to that. He did flinch, however, as Jackson lightly tapped his shoulder. In his hand he held an apple, and he motioned for Holden to take it. So, Holden obliged. He grabbed ahold of the red fruit and sank his teeth in, savoring the taste as best he could. Truth be told he was hungry, and having something to eat took the edge of hunger and stress off him, if only a little.
"You can be honest," Holden began. "Does she want to talk to me? If I wanted to mention our fight, do you think she'd be receptive? You know her better than me after all."
"No," Jackson replied. "But not because she holds it against you. Actually, not holding it against you is exactly why she's not interested in discussing it."
"How can she not? If I really did hurt her-"
"Because she understands better than anyone what it's like. To be hated or feared or treated with disgust over something that's a part of her. It's not something she wants others to experience, and that includes you. Even if it's your fault it happened, even if you hurt her. She knows you didn't mean it. And she expects you won't do it again."
Holden listened intently, realizing as he did that the pit in his stomach began to wane away. His hands calmed and his breath slowed, and though the sting of guilt pricked away at his mind, he couldn't deny he was feeling a bit more at ease.
"But she isn't a doormat to be walked over, Holden. Regardless of how I'd react if you treated her as such, she isn't stupid enough not to realize when she's being used. Mishandle the opportunity she's given you, and she won't hesitate to put you in your place," Jackson added.
"I don't plan on it. I'll stay in control; I know failure isn't an option."
"Talk is cheap. We'll see. Miss Melony and Natasha think highly of you. I want to as well."
Holden's nose scrunched up and his sights darted towards Jackson, a glint of surprise captured in his eyes.
"What you do from here on out will determine a lot. Both for your own path, and ours. As I said, your actions affect more than just yourself. Both for the better and worse. Here on the fairground, your episode still led to these cryptids being freed. No matter how many ways you fucked up, in the end, these animals are ultimately concerned with the well-being of themselves and their children. They have you to thank for their safety, in part."
"Jesus, you said you were going to go about this as Natasha would want you to, but I didn't think you'd commit this hard," said Holden. He waved his hand dismissively as he disregarded what he was told. "I don't deserve credit for this. Had you and Natasha not been here, things would have turned out for the worse. They really have the two of you to thank, not me. But it does feel good, knowing they're going to be okay."
"You learn from this experience and saving those in need will become a lot easier. Your ability could go a long way in our efforts, Holden. I can see that even in spite of my issues with your conduct. Natasha told me your power was amazing right after we knocked you out. At the time I wanted to deny it and reprimand you for how stupid your choice was. Now, though, I realize she was right. It makes sense that Melony saw potential in you. Some of the things you were doing back there, they shouldn't have even been possible."
"I know," Holden replied, a blend of uncertainty and unease fastened within his voice. He remembered his body defying the ritual he'd enacted, a feat that should have killed him.
Through the way he responded, Jackson could tell Holden didn't know how he did it. Not wanting to press the issue, he shelved it away to return to when they had further information.
"We've still got a while before we've got to go to the circus," Jackson mentioned. It'll be time to rest and discuss what we're getting ourselves into. When we go, it won't just be a few animals who need our help. They'll have hybrids there. Innocent people who think their lives are over. For them, we may be their last chance at having a decent life. Think you can handle that?"
Holden's reaction was quick and snappy. Before he could register what he was about to say the words already spilled from his lips. It was an instinctual reaction to what he felt was an obvious question.
"Yeah, I can handle that. I'll be ready."
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