Chương 23: All Right! Fine! I Will Take You! – Chapter 21
There are, fundamentally, two types of stalkers in anime. The first one is a girl who is obviously cute, though she may frequently be shown with bags under her eyes, a hunched posture, or some other sign of an unhealthy lifestyle that would obviously make someone with idol-grade looks a pariah in high school, because, obviously, her teenager classmates are all mature enough to look past a physique that wouldn't look out of place in a gravure magazine cover and judge her exclusively on the merits of her personality. Teenagers, after all, are widely renowned both for their deep insight into the character of others and for their clear decision-making skills that are never at all influenced by raging hormones demanding a chance at a teen pregnancy. Source: me.
Still, the poor stalker girl who has been shunned by her peers for years on end and thus has fixated her sights on the sole male student who ever deigned show her kindness (or, at the very least, indifference) will turn out to be a gag character whose deep trauma, inability to healthily show affection and socialize, and clear signs of suicidal ideation hijinks will never fail to make the audience chuckle. Because humans are bastards. Source: the internet.
I mean, there are also the cases where she turns out to be a yandere, but that is usually treated as wholesome, heartwarming romance. Especially if the heart in question ends up in the microwave.
So, that's the first type of stalker in anime: a moeified character-type who rarely wins the waifu wars, but that usually has quite a few devoted supporters among a fandom who find the idea of a girl obsessed enough with them to actually look in their direction once in a while refreshing enough that they don't care overly much about the downsides (such as, you know, actual physical danger).
Then there's the second type. The male one.
This stalker-type (who is vulnerable to both electric types and poison types, as long as the second ones use the move called 'pepper spray') will usually have a very limited, yet vital, role in the story. Namely, having the shit beaten out of him by the actual love interest of the stalked girl so that the hero can earn enough affection points to get the handholding CG, the depraved bastard.
So, it is pondering this clear example of unhealthy double standards in the anime industry that I wonder whether I should have tried crossdressing (with or without Totsuka's help, because it feels rude to assume) before I…
Damn it.
Does standing around the entrance to Haruno's college [really] count as stalking?
I mean, on the one hand, being at a place you know a girl will go to after she refuses to answer your calls or messages after your last kiss [does] sound like textbook stalking.
On the other hand, I'm doing this with the best of intentions! It's for her own good! I'm worried about her wellbeing! I swear I'm not guilty, mister policeman!
…
Also, the security guard is giving me some odd looks.
Oh! My phone's ringing! Excellent, now I've got an excuse to break eye contact with the one person whose job description probably involves beating up people who try to do what I'm trying to do.
['Are you still there?']
Ah, Iroha, how sweet of you to worry about me!
['Because she told us to meet up on Saturday, so aren't you worried about looking like a stalker just because you couldn't wait a couple of days?']
Ah, Iroha, how your keen insight on my mental weaknesses hurts me!
['I don't see why we need to wait when we know there's a problem we could do something about,'] I reply.
['How about because she asked us to wait?'
'… If I say I know better, will it come across as the kind of thing a controlling, borderline abusive boyfriend would say?'
'I mean, if you have to ask…']
Ouch.
['Are you with Shizu right now?'
'Ah! And now you're trying to control who I spend my time with! How despicable, Senpai!'
'You really want me to freak out, don't you?'
'Well, if I had to pick a reaction I want to get out of you…'
'Stop. The last thing I need is to make weird faces in public. The security guard is already looking at me like I got into the women-only passenger car while having my face dramatically shadowed.'
'We need to work on your ability to communicate with people outside of your weird, disturbing subculture.'
'Oh, I don't know, I seem to communicate quite well with you already…'
'Now who's the one who should stop it? What is it, Senpai, do I play along and keep the flirting going until you need to get into a toilet stall before you can walk upright again, or…'
'… Or. Definitely "or." Really, I can't afford to "react" to you, Iroha.'
'Oh, fine, I won't say a single lewd word more. But you owe me a special favor.']
I sigh in relief, wondering whether there's any safe answer I can give her after such a line. She was dangerously close to making me… 'react,' and I really shouldn't tempt fate by adding a last quip that—
There's a new message.
An image.
Knowing that it is a [very] bad idea, my finger hovers it before I lose the battle against my will (or my actual will wins the battle against the impostor sitting upon a fake throne—battles at the center of the mind are confusing). Well, basically, I press on the damn message.
On the screen of my phone, Iroha appears in a shot framed so she's only shown from below her eyes to about the middle of her belly. Her pink cardigan and white blouse are open, and her baby blue bra is loose enough the faintest pink at the edge of her areolas can be seen above the cups that are enticingly separated from flesh I know to be so soft my fingers feel like they are being drawn in at the lightest touch. Her clothed right arm is resting right between those same breasts, her pointer finger extended so it draws her bottom lip down, and her tongue extended to lick the very tip of it.
…
Exact words. When dealing with foxes and other creatures from folklore, it's important to remember any deals made will need to account for the exact phrasing. Asking for more wishes will just get you the suggestion box from the nearest restaurant.
Asking for a bigger cock also offers far too many horrific possibilities to consider.
And not even that can get me to avoid adopting Standard Adolescent Male Gait Number Two. You know why.
['Damn it, Iroha…'
'Tee-hee~']
Fuck. Of course she can pull that off; what else did I expect?
Also, I refuse to check whether the security guard has changed the way he looks at me after my lapse in judgment. It would be far too disturbing to see him surrounded by a petal shower and blooming roses. I'm sorry, Security-san, but this is not that genre. And if it was, Totsuka definitely has seniority.
Also, also, is that a woman with dark hair tinted purple at the tips?
"Oi, Haruno," I say, my voice barely loud enough to carry. Because, apparently, having graduated from my technical virginity doesn't mean I am suddenly able to speak out in public.
She turns to me, confirming the identity of the woman as the Elder Yukinoshita (not the 'elder,' that's her mother—Haruno qualifies for the capital letter). Then her eyes widen, and she clasps the strap of her bookbag.
Then she starts running.
[Of course.]
So, also of course, I start running after her.
And the security guard runs after me.
Everybody's running! How wonderful! See, people? We Japanese are a society that cares about health concerns and never wastes a chance to exercise and remain in good shape. The only ones that don't have a hentai tag devoted to them, and the description isn't very flattering.
['Are you sure this is the time to be quipping?']
It's how I deal with stress, Brain-chan, in case you hadn't noticed.
['Really? Because I think Iroha would've been quite happy with helping you deal with stress if you hadn't—']
Not the time!
"Hey! You! Stop!"
Wow. Such creative dialog. I can tell you're going to become a main character after this, Security-san. An audience favorite.
['Aren't you going to try to explain?']
If I keep running while he talks, I'm not the one wasting my breath.
['Oh? Are you that confident in your stamina?']
Shizu didn't have any complaints.
['Right. "Not the time," my non-corporeal ass.']
Look, I would love to compliment you on your non-corporeal ass to help you shore up your self-esteem problems, but Haruno just ducked down an alley, and I think I should pay attention.
Like, at this very moment, because she wasn't that far when she started running, and I am almost there, and—oh gods, it's an awful idea to chase Haruno down an alley after losing sight of her for even a second, isn't it?
['Whenever has that stopped you?']
Thank you, Brain-chan. I really needed to hear your heartfelt encouragement.
['I wasn't—']
Regretfully, I'll never know what it is that Brain-chan 'wasn't' because, just as I slam my foot down and pivot to get into the alley, Haruno's arm shoots out, grabs my wrist, and twists it in a way that ends up with me having my back pressed against the wall and she immobilizing my two arms.
Ah. How nostalgic.
"What is going on—?" the security guard, future audience favorite, starts to ask right as he enters the alley, only to quickly shut up when he's confronted with Haruno practicing her weird body control techniques on me.
Ah. A man smarter than I am, certainly.
"I have it under control," Haruno says, the first words I hear from her since… Well, since the last day she did this to me.
"Are… Are you sure, miss?" the man asks with evident reticence, his Japanese upbringing torn between doing his job to the letter and not sticking his nose in other people's private affairs that may or may not involve marital violence.
"Certain." And the tone should bother me, as cold and precise as it sounds, but the fact she hasn't met my eyes pisses me off quite a bit more.
"Ah. And you… sir?" Oi, what's with the hesitation on that 'sir?' Anything you want to say to my face, you punk?!
Oh, look at that; it seems my delinquent initiation is progressing along quite nicely.
"Everything's all right," I finally settle on. Though maybe the fact I don't even bother to look his way and keep searching for Haruno's eyes isn't that reassuring to the middle-aged man.
Silly Security-san, don't you know that being actually middle-aged automatically disqualifies you for any protagonist slot in most mangas? Even the grizzled, scarred veteran from the last war against the Demon Lord is usually in his early twenties.
Maybe anime characters just age faster? That would explain all those steamy romances with girls in middle school who have access to actual lingerie.
Also, Shizu, stop flaunting your superb lingerie taste. I have only so many brain cells to burn through.
['You're telling me…']
"All… All right then. If there's any trouble, just scream, miss."
"I'll be sure to do that," Haruno replies, her tone still cold.
Security-san hesitates for a while but ends up turning around and walking away. Because, of course, seeing the guy he thought was a stalker, and thus his ticket to earning protagonist points, being handled by the girl whose points he presumably wanted to earn is enough for him to drop the subject.
Despite what Haruno's doing being, you know, [technically] assault.
I think. Laws are weird. I mean, apparently, you can't even use your superpower to defend a schoolmate from an actual serial killer. Really, it's preposterous.
Also, said fight happened in an alley.
… Oi, Haruno, you aren't carrying any knives, are you? And you aren't prone to giving weird speeches about what being a real hero means, are you? I mean, you have an actual nose. A cute one.
… Stupid hormones.
"So, going to let me go any day now?"
"I don't know, are you going to keep chasing me if I do?" She still isn't meeting my eyes.
"Ah, so your solution to my following you when you didn't want to be anywhere near me is to grab me and not let go. Is this another one of your genius insights that I'm too baseline to get?"
Her fingers dig into my wrist. I'm sure there are pressure points in there or some other nonsense.
"You really need to learn when to shut up."
"You really need to learn when to have a normal talk."
And she laughs.
It's… not a nice laugh.
"That's so rich coming from [you."]
"Hey, it takes one to know one."
"Does it?" I am about to reply, but her grip tightens once more. She's still looking to the side, her eyes hidden beneath expensively cut bangs. "Do you really think we're at all alike, Hachiman?"
"Not at all, Haruno." And that isn't the answer she expects, because her grasp on me slackens
So I twist my arms and grab her own wrists.
This would've been a golden opportunity to reference the Saint Seya line about the same trick not working twice on me. But this is the third time.
Still, as I push the startled Yukinoshita scion against the wall in front of me, I need to suppress the grin fighting its way to my lips. Not because I don't want to brag, but because I'm not feeling particularly suicidal.
And looking at the girl I am pressing against the side of this alley, as her eyes finally meet mine…
Startled, open.
Hurt.
No. Any urge to brag vanishes.
"I'm not like you. I can't ever be." Her lips thin, and her eyes narrow. "But I am also not unlike you."
She pauses. Her mouth softens.
"You're so infuriating," she finally says.
"I really hope you don't think this is a world-shaking revelation."
"Smartass."
"Maddening woman."
"Impossible man."
"Siscon."
"Look who's talking."
And I laugh.
All right, it's more relieved than actually amused, but… It's a start.
Haruno doesn't join me, though the wry smile lets me know she more or less feels the same. I hope.
"So, planning on letting me go any time soon?"
"Depends. Are you going to run away?"
"I feel like, if I did and you tried to stop me, it wouldn't reflect very well on your character."
"I… I've been worried sick all day."
"I know. I've got a phone full of missed calls and messages that tell me as much."
"Then why—"
"Why won't you get the hint?" Her tone is back to that disaffected coldness, but her eyes…
I can see it. The same thing I caught a hint of as she left the rooftop, as she walked away from the person she obviously never stopped loving. The woman I love.
And… Just minutes before that, when she tried to goad Shizu into a fight she believed she could never lose, when she kissed me… I saw something else in her eyes, in the lavender that's so much warmer than her sister's ice blue, yet still so much frailer than I thought, because lavender's a flower, and they are as beautiful as transient and—
Damn it.
I lean down, and kiss Haruno.
It's… I don't know what it is. It's not the enthusiastic response I get from Iroha, nor the slowly awakening passion I get from Shizu as her reticence melts. It's not… No. It's Haruno.
She doesn't melt into it, doesn't push back, doesn't affirm. She accepts me, almost daring me to advance as she remains there, taking my lips and—
[Ouch].
"You… bit me?"
There's a flash of rage over her eyes, and suddenly my right wrist hurts, and my face is pressed against the brown wall.
"And you're [surprised?"] her voice whispers to me from behind my left ear.
… All right, I'm going to count this particular technique as its own attack, so this is technically the first time it's worked against me, not the [fourth].
['Is this really the priority right now?']
The only one I can handle.
['Ah, right. Carry on, then.']
"Yes?" I finally ask.
"You really don't know me that much, do you?"
"I feel like this is the time where I should give you a speech about how much I actually do know you, but, well, I'm kinda preoccupied with the uncertainty about ever regaining proper use of my right hand, so…"
"Oh? This should be good."
Fuck.
Right, right, what do I know about—ah, screw it. This will never work if I plan for it.
"We both love the same woman," I begin, and her grasp slackens, but not that much. Just… enough not to hurt. "And we were alone before we met her. Different. Isolated."
"You are projecting."
"Establishing common ground. There's a difference."
"You do love your wordplay, don't you?"
"About as much as being able to scratch my nose by myself, so, if you would—"
"You just kissed me without my consent, Hikigaya. Be grateful I'm giving you the chance to talk yourself out of it."
"[You] kissed me without my consent. In front of my girlfriend. Whom you planned to steal."
"I—that's not—"
"And if that wasn't your plan, you wanted to share, so I don't see how [returning] your kiss is that—"
"I needed time to think!"
"You [wanted] time to [hurt] yourself!" And she lets go. And recoils.
So I twist back, grab her shoulders, and slam her against the wall.
Though maybe I shouldn't keep doing that. The neighbors are bound to complain.
"You wanted time to feel rejected, to agonize over everything that went wrong, everything you could've done differently. You wanted to feel sorry for yourself, alone, unwanted, a [mistake]. You wanted to be what you were before you discovered you could ever be something other than the sad, sorry, lonely—"
And she kisses me.
This time, she's demanding, consuming. Her tongue goes past my lips, tangling around mine, dragging me into her mouth, her hands grabbing my hair with enough force to make me flinch, her body pressed tight against mine, her leg hooked behind my thigh.
"You talk too much," she finally says, her face flushed and her breathing shallow.
"Maybe if you picked up the damn phone, I wouldn't—"
"You aren't earning any points with being so pushy, Hachiman."
"At least you're back to calling me that."
She stops. Looks at me.
I see nothing in her eyes, because she doesn't want me to.
"What do you actually want?"
And this time, it's my turn to pause and reflect while she seeks my eyes for any clue.
Because… I just don't know.
Shizu and Iroha tried to tell me, to force me to accept it, but I kept pushing, because I need to, I don't know, I just…
Yui kissing Yukino.
That was… Bitter. Letting go of them, knowing it was for the best, fighting for a happiness I knew I wouldn't be a part of, but…
I, I also…
"I want… I want the people I love to never be hurt."
The cold, efficient gaze breaks. And I see the familiar shape of a pain I know too well.
"… You really are dangerous, you know?"
"That's rich coming from you… Haruno."
We remain silent, just looking at one another. I don't know when I near her face, feeling the warm air from her breath rushing over my skin. I don't know when I close my eyes. I don't know who kisses who.
It's… different. There's no strength to it, no struggle, we just…
Like lazy waves washing over sand, effervescent surf fading away just right before it's renewed, the kiss goes from her to me, never demanding, just… Accepting. Just taking whatever the other is willing to offer.
I… My lips close over her tongue, suckling on it for a moment as she retreats, then gliding over her closed lips. Her mouth opens again, and I enter it, her tongue greeting me before pushing me out, all in slow motion, the movement reflected on our bodies, on her hands raising from my hips to my shoulder blades, her fingertips pressing along the edge of bone, something releasing I didn't know was in there.
I don't know who stops it, but her hands are still on my back and mine on her waist.
"So. You love me," she says. And there's the edge of her usual mocking tone, but I can tell it's frail, like an empty eggshell about to be crushed.
"I do."
She looks at me, the pain still there, even if pushed aside.
"What does that even mean?" she asks. And that's proof enough that Haruno Yukinoshita understands me better than most.
"I don't know."
And she laughs.
***
We both are leaning on the wall, our shoulders touching.
"I can't believe you pulled all that off just to end it with that wishy-washy line."
"I can't believe you even needed to ask."
She pauses, her fingers twitching in a way that makes me think she wants to reach for a cigarette.
"I didn't. Not really."
I look up at the patch of sky I can see between the tightly packed houses, already dark with the beginning of winter's early night, like I want to see purple whorls of smoke drifting up before fading away.
"I know."
We let the moment pass.
"It's all Shizu's fault," she says.
"Obviously," I agree automatically.
"I mean, where does she get off, seducing her students left and right?"
"With her ridiculous white coat flaring out dramatically in the wind."
"And her sharp clothes, like she's dressing up for a mafioso dress rehearsal."
"And that stupid sports car—how does she even afford that?"
"I have absolutely no clue." She shakes her head. "Oh, and the way she always manages to walk like she's getting into the right position for a backlit shot!"
"Right! Purple smoke trailing from her hand, highlighting every gesture? Come on! That [has] to be on purpose!"
"And then she goes and gets whatever trash ramen is nearer instead of going for a classy Italian!"
"And gets drunk till she's helpless and babbling!"
"And starts spouting that 'genuine' thing!"
We pause after she says that. And we nod.
"All her fault. We are completely blameless in this whole mess," I say. Haruno nods. Again.
For emphasis, I guess.
That's how blameless we both are.
The silence this time is a bit less strained because, as ridiculous as it sounds, we both fell in love with the same woman for pretty much the same reasons, and… Well, if movies have taught me anything, that makes us either sworn enemies or brothers in all but blood.
Komachi must never know.
"So, what was your actual plan when you came here?" she ends up asking, more curious than inquisitive.
And I sigh. Because I don't think she's ready for the answer.
"I had no plan."
"… What?" See? The poor girl looks like Yui has just told her how she plans to mind break her little sister.
Note to self: keep an eye on Yukinoshita and any signs of heart-shaped pupils she may display.
"It's… been brought to my attention that I see people as problems to be solved—"
"Which you already knew."
"Which I already knew. But… You aren't a problem. I think the problem may be all the people in your life who have seen you as that, as something to be fixed, to be—"
"Stop. Don't go there."
"Sorry… What I mean to say is that I… I care about you. I don't quite know how, nor—screw that, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I just… I just wanted to talk to you, to the girl I love, no matter in which way."
And she ruffles my hair.
"You are adorable," she says.
"And you're insufferable," I say as I try to get my hair back in order.
She leans back against the wall, looking at the same patch of naked sky I was looking at a moment ago.
"And you love me just like that."
So I rest my shoulders against the same wall, feeling her warmth along my right arm, and let myself relax as my eyes drift up.
"Yes. Yes, I do."
The purple-lined clouds drift by.
We remain still.
And, for just a moment more, we hesitate to depart.
==================
This work is a repost of my second oldest fic on QQ (https://forum.questionablequesting.com/threads/all-right-fine-ill-take-you-oregairu.15676/), where it can be found up to date except for the latest two chapters that are currently only available on on Patreon (https://www.patreon.com/Agrippa?fan_landing=true)—as an added perk, both those sites have italicized and bolded text. I'll be posting the chapters here twice weekly, on Wednesday and Friday, until we're caught up. Unless something drastic happens, it will be updated at a daily rate until it catches up to the currently written 84 chapters (or my brain is consumed by the overwhelming amounts of snark, whichever happens first).
Speaking of Italics, this story's original format relied on conveying Brain-chan's intrusions into Hachiman's inner monologue through the use of italics. I'm using square brackets ([]) to portray that same effect, but the work is more than 300k words at the moment, so I have to resort to the use of macros to make that light edit and the process may not be perfect. My apologies in advance
Also, I'd like to thank my credited supporters on Patreon: aj0413, Niklarus, Tinkerware, Varosch, and Xalgeon. If you feel like maybe giving me a hand and help me keep writing snarky, maladjusted teenagers and their cake buffets, consider joining them or buying one of my books on https://www.amazon.com/stores/Terry-Lavere/author/B0BL7LSX2S. Thank you for reading!
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