Chương 41: Let me share your burden
Kaneki: why did you ask?
Natsuki Mizutani asked Kaneki if he was in pain and Kaneki responded by saying "yes".
Natsuki: because i am worried.
Kaneki: why are you worried.
Natsuki: you said there were multiple times you thought of taking your life right? I'm worried that one day you'd do that and leave me behind.
Natsuki said it while showing tears.
Kaneki: ... don't cry I'm sorry for making you worried.
Kaneki apologized with a troubled face.
Kaneki: I'm sorry for being a burden to you.
Natsuki: what? no you're not!
Kaneki: the reason I'm in pain is because I was lonely and... because i always think I'm a burden to everyone even my own friends and family.
Kaneki started to tell Natsuki why he is in pain.
Kaneki: I'll tell you this Natsuki when I was estranged by those 3 i looked back at my past and I had a conclusion why they estranged me. "oh it must be because I was a burden to them" that's what I thought to myself and you know i always thought of myself as a burden.
Natsuki:...
Kaneki: back when mom died i always trained with Sword-san and i always ignored my dad even though he was concerned about me and i always think he hates me for killing mom.
Natsuki:!!! but you're not the one who killed her!
Kaneki: by disobeying her in some way I killed her.
Natsuki: but-
Kaneki: and you know i always think why did those 4 decided to be my friends? is it because they felt bad for me? or were they curious about me.
Natsuki: maybe it's because you were nice to them.
Kaneki: no that's not the case. Sachi and my other childhood friend only met me by accident when I was at the forest and they got lost and my other "sister" just thought of as her brother for some reason and my childhood best friend, i originally wanted to use her work to find the demon knight relics.
Natsuki:...
Kaneki: I have never done anything good for them yet they decided to be my friends i didn't understand. and honestly they may think they understand me but they don't because I have a heavy burden that they should not see.
Natsuki: burden?
Kaneki: yeah, in my search for more Power I earned many but I also lost many... everyday I feel guilty for all the horrible acts of violence and i always think that one day i might turn into something horrible that's why I always thought of ending myself but those 4 happen to be there so...
Natsuki: so?
Kaneki: i decided that once I'm done training with all my sensei's and if the trees doesn't grow i would stop my search for power and just watch those 4 because even without mom at least I have those 4 but they aren't here anymore... but they aren't here anymore I don't know what to do now but to suffer because of all the sins i committed.
Natsuki: you can stop now. when you were talking about all that your colors were being tainted with more sadness. I don't want to see the only person I call a friend suffer.
Kaneki: you're too nice Natsuki. but if you've known my sins you would definitely be afraid of me. you know I'm always curious why of all people why did you choose me? is it only because of my color?
Natsuki: no. it's not only because of your colors but because I knew you were in pain on the first day of school when you appeared I saw your colors but i couldn't believe it at first but i always knew you were in pain.
Kaneki: you knew?
Natsuki: yes, so please let me share your burden so even if it's a little you could feel less pain.
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