Chương 4: Chapter 4
"Crystal" Crystal turned around to see who was calling her name. She found Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger walking up to her.
"Yes?" She asked politely, although she really didn't like the two. They were constantly getting in the way of her time with Harry, her Siren side definitely didn't like being bothered when she was with her mate whilst her human side didn't enjoy them bothering her when she was spending time with her best friend.
"Where's Harry?" Hermione asked
"Why?" Crystal asked
"Just answer the question" Ron replied
"I'm meeting him in the common room, what's it to you?"
"Tell us where it is then" Ron smiled
"No, you know we're not supposed to tell other students where the common rooms are." Crystal refused
"But I want to talk to Harry!"
"Tough, you'll have to wait for him to be in class or in the hall" Crystal put her foot down
"You can't tell me what to do!"
"If I was telling you what to do then I would've had you shove your head down a toilet"
"You're being awfully rude" Hermione said
"Me?" Crystal couldn't believe the hypocrisy coming from the two Gryffindor's "Whatever, I'm going now"
"Where are you going?" Hermione asked
"Back to the common room" An irritated Crystal answered "I told you that already"
"Are you planning to spend more time with Harry?"
"No I just figured it'd be fun to go to the common room, ignore my boyfriend then go back out" Crystal said sarcastically
"Who's your boyfriend?" A confused Ron asked
"It's Harry you idiot" Crystal sighed
"You're too young to be boyfriend and girlfriend" Hermione objected
"Which is why we're not really doing much other than holding hands" Crystal replied "not that it's any of your business"
"You can't go out with Harry" Ron said "he should be going out with a Gryffindor"
"I'm sorry but I don't think Harry's into men" Crystal replied, Ron looked confused so Hermione had to explain what Crystal was replying and the boy's face reddened "besides, me and Harry are together, doesn't matter if you approve or not"
The pair were about to reply when they were cut off by the sound of wind, followed by a screeching sound then a crashing sound. All three looked to a nearby broom cupboard with broken doors, Harry popped right out of it ad dusted himself up.
"Sorry" He apologised "ran a bit too fast"
He walked up to Crystal, not even looking at the pair next to her. He kissed her on the cheek and took her hand in his.
"I thought we were meeting in the common room" Crystal said
"We were but I got bored, so after I burnt another copy of Hogwarts: A History" Harry said, taking great joy in Granger looking at him like he murdered a baby "so I thought I'd meet you and walk you about"
"Aw, that's so sweet" In response to Crystal Harry pulled out a sweet to give to her "that's not funny"
"Hmm, yes it is" Harry two turned and began walking away when Hermione Granger stopped them.
"Hey, stop" She said, the couple turned to look at her "you can't be boyfriend and girlfriend, you're too young"
"Granger, just because you will never be loved does not give you the right to interfere in my love life" Harry replied
"You can't talk to me like that!" Hermione stormed "You had better apologise to me!"
"Fine, sorry me" Harry grinned
"I'll tell Professor McGonagall" Hermione threatened
"How utterly terrifying" Harry said sarcastically
"You should show the teachers some more respect"
"You should learn how to use a comb" Harry replied "I'll help you" Harry aimed his wand at her and fired a spell, Hermione tried to dodge but was a bit late and the spell hit her hair.
At first it straightened, Hermione was glad about that even though she was still angry at Harry. She was about to tell him off when she noticed her hair had changed colour, she was now the horrified owner of the only second head of pink hair in the school.
The first being Nymphadora 'don't call me that or I'll hex you' Tonks, but the difference was Hermione's hair was about ten times brighter as it was glowing.
"What did you do to me?!" Hermione screamed
"I straightened your hair" Harry answered "unfortunately it occasionally has the side effect of turning your hair pink"
"Undo this now!" Hermione demanded
"Sure" Harry fired another spell at her, except this one hit her in the teeth. Harry resisted the urge to laugh as her front teeth grew long enough to be able to get past her chin. "Whoops, that wasn't supposed to happen" Harry lied "I'll go and get help"
He and Crystal then bolted away, leaving a furious pink haired and big toothed Hermione who had to walk all the way to the hospital wing. Unfortunately for her it was on the other side of the castle.
Later that day Harry and Crystal were walking alongside Nymphadora Tonks, who was currently in seventh year. They were walking and talking when Harry noticed Ron Weasley was walking behind them, he was getting closer and closer.
Harry cursed his luck, he didn't have anything planned for the red headed idiot yet. Then an idea struck him, he looked at Tonks who was currently looking away and talking to Crystal. Harry rubbed his throat, adjusting his voice.
He waited until his timing was right, he waited until Ron had just caught up with them. Ron placed his hand on Harry's shoulder and looked like he was about to say something when Harry initiated his plan.
"NYMPO-DORA!" Harry said in Ron's voice and followed by slapping Tonks on the ass. Tonks yelped and looked back where she saw Harry, standing as still as a statue with an outraged look on his face and pointing at Ron Weasley who was looking at the general area of her arse. "TWAS HIM!" Harry exclaimed in his own voice.
"Hmm" Ron looked up at Harry "what'd you say?"
Unfortunately for Ron he didn't get to hear Harry's response as Tonks had chosen that moment to hex him. Which was why Ron found himself waking up in the hospital wing with boils and spots on his face, silver hair and wearing a Slytherin uniform.
He also didn't know that the boils were the only thing the that Tonks was responsible for, when she hexed him he fell and banged his head on the floor. The rest was just because Harry was bored, he took a couple of pictures and that was how Ron found himself walking into breakfast the next day and being surrounded by pictures of him looking like an ugly Slytherin.
That was one of the few times in history that Ron had chosen not to have breakfast.
Harry and Crystal found themselves in another potions class, the door opened wildly and Harry resisted the urge to groan. It appeared that Snape hadn't learnt that Harry was the only one allowed to be dramatic in this school.
Fortunately Harry had prepared for such an event, once Snape had entered he activated one of the traps Harry had laid. They were designed to be activated on a certain persons magical signature, in this case Snapes.
Snape had barley taken a step when he began sliding towards the front against his own will, he looked down and to his surprise the floor was covered in a green slime of some sort. The second trap occurred when Snape had reached just past the front desk, the trap caused nearly all of Snape's clothes to disappear.
Nearly all, Snape still had his underwear, even Harry wasn't cruel enough to subject the class to a fully nude Snape. Although looking at the man's pale and hideous body he realised that he already gone too far, he himself was resisting the urge to look away from the man's hideous body.
He didn't look at Snape because he thought Snape was attractive, more because he wanted to see what would happen next. Hopefully the humour of the situation would outweigh the disgust factor.
Snape had ended up sliding right up to his desk, where the corner of the desk had made a rather unfortunate greeting to Snape's junior Snape. Snape let out a rather amusing sound as he doubled over in pain, Malfoy had jumped up out of his desk and ran over to help the professor.
Harry, who had had enough of Malfoy's kiss ass act, decided that now would be an appropriate time to pull out a camera. Fortunately he was able to get one without a flash, it was expensive but the silent photos would be worth it.
Snape had taken a few steps away from the desk when Harry sent a tripping hex at Malfoy's feet, Malfoy tripped and crashed headfirst into Snape's rear. Snape was pushed forward and tipped as well, hitting his head off the desk.
The two landed with Malfoy's face in Snape's rear, Malfoys eyes widened as he realised what was going on he quickly tried to get up. Harry sent a stinging hex, he had curved it in mid-air so it would hit Malfoy from behind.
Malfoy had just gotten to his knees when the stinging hex hit his hand, causing it move forward where it unintentionally slapped Snape on the ass. Causing Snape to move forward and bounce his head off the table again.
Harry put his camera away as Malfoy jerked away, 'poor choice of words' Harry thought. The class watched amused at the horrified look of Malfoy who had jumped as far away from the potions professor as he could while also being utterly horrified at the pale body of Snape. Honestly, did the man ever go out in the sun?
"Is he alright?" Hermione asked
"Who cares?" Harry replied, he was glad to see that most people agreed with him.
"Ten points from Gryffindor" Snape groaned, Harry wondered if the man had forgot that Harry was in Hufflepuff "Hufflepuff as well" Ah, apparently he hadn't.
"Oh, son of a bitch" Harry cursed
"Language" Hermione scolded
"English" Harry replied
"You know what I meant"
"How do you know?" Harry asked
"It's obvious" Hermione answered
"Yeah well a long time ago it was obvious that the earth was flat and a couple of years ago it was obvious that witches and wizards don't exist" Harry countered
"That's ridiculous"
"No, that's a fact" Harry smirked "that's right, I can say smart words too. Listen to this, 'molecules'."
"Ten more points from Hufflepuff" Snape groaned and stood up.
"Ah" Harry looked at Snape "the eyes move and the mouth opens but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn't he sir?"
"Quiet Potter, you arrogant brat. Just like your father!" Harry was getting a bit annoyed at the greasy haired man.
Snape took a step forward, unfortunately his underwear was rather lose and Snape junior slipped out. Harry, who was coming with ways to make Snape pay, noticed that at the same time as the rest of the class. His anger and rage had fallen away and allowed his anger and horror to take over.
"AHHHHHHHH! MY RAGE HAS BLINDED ME!" Harry fell on to the ground and covered his eyes, a few people other people doing the same. Crystal had vomited into her cauldron.
Harry wandlessly shot a blind banishing charm, after hearing the sound of something land behind Snape's desk he bravely dared to open his eyes. Fortunately Snape was now behind the desk and out of sight, Harry pulled his wand out and aimed it up high.
"You'll thank me for this! OBLIVATE!" Harry shouted and a light burst around the entire room, Harry wiped the memory of Snape's horrifying reveal from everyone, including himself.
Harry was left with an unexplained desire to get rid of Snape, he was a bit confused when his body suddenly shuddered. He realised that he could probably find the answer in his back up memory bank that he had in his mind, but he realised that it probably wouldn't be a good idea to look for the answer.
The next day Draco Malfoy had swaggered in at breakfast, he had entered and his heart stopped. The walls were covered with pictures, the enchanted ceiling sky was replaced with a single big version of the picture.
The picture was a moving image, as were all magical photos, of Draco and Professor Snape. It started with Draco's face on Snape's rear and ended with Draco slapping Snape's behind and then it started again.
The teachers were trying to get rid of the pictures on the wall and the ceiling but they weren't having much luck, even Dumbledore who was trying to fix the ceiling was unsuccessful.
Dumbledore had tried once more when the ceiling responded by shooting a bolt of lightning at the headmaster, much like a cartoon the headmaster was left with a burnt beard and hair along with damaged clothes. The best part was when the Elder wand had turned into a pile of dust and ash.
Dumbledore's eyes widened and his heart broke when he saw the most powerful wand ever to exist get burn, it was now completely and utterly useless.
Draco watched in horror as everyone began to look at the picture that was shown on the ceiling and on the walls of the great hall. People looked at him, some laughed and others looked disgusted, mostly the second one.
Snape chose that moment to walk in, he saw everyone turn and look at him. He looked around when he saw the pictures, a rage filled his body and he looked around until he found Potter smiling at him with an innocent face. The peace and serenity of that morning was shattered by the bellow of a wild animal.
"POOOOTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEERRRRR!" Snape, the animal in question had bellowed
"YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS?!" Harry bellowed in response
"QUIET YOU INFERENAL BRAT!" Snape stormed and stomped his way over to Harry.
"Rape alarm!" Harry pulled out a whistle and used it, it didn't really deter Snape who came over and grabbed Harry by the collar.
He lifted Harry into the air, his rage increased when he saw Harry grin at him, he couldn't believe that the infernal brat was grinning at him. The son of his worst enemy was daring to grin at him, he'd show him! He was going to give the boy so many detentions that his grandchildren would be scrubbing cauldrons in their final year just to help complete the detentions he had given their grandfather.
Snape would also raise a heir for the sole purpose of replacing him at Hogwarts and giving the Potters more detentions, then his heir would do the same with their heir. Yes it'd be a damn dynasty!
"Uh Professor" Harry said in a quiet voice
"What?!" Snape snapped
"I brought the wrong whistle"
"Why should I care about your blasted whistle?!"
"Because this isn't my rape alarm whistle"
"Oh Snivellus" A voice called and Snape's eyes widened, this time in shock.
"It's my dog whistle" Harry smirked
His face paled as he recognised who it was he turned, letting go of Harry when he saw the owner of the voice standing in the doorway of the great hall. Snape was hit with a stunner, and the whole hall looked terrified.
"Finally!" Harry shouted cheerfully and ran down to the doorway where he jumped at the man in the hallway. The man picked him up, Harry wrapped his arms around the man's neck and his legs around the man's body and hugged him tightly.
Everyone was more surprised when the mass murderer Sirius Black returned the hug, Dumbledore and the other teachers got to their feet and pulled their wands out. They made their way over to the two.
"By the way" Sirius whispered to Harry "are you responsible for those pictures?"
"I will deny it in front of everyone else but yes I am" Harry whispered back
"I've never been so proud of another being that was not your father…..or me" Sirius said and gently put Harry down.
"Sirius Black!" Dumbledore succeeded in ruining the moment "Step away from young Harry!"
"Very well" Sirius took a step back "Harry, take a step towards Sirius"
"Hmm, you're the boss." Harry shrugged and took a step closer to Sirius "Oi Crystal" Harry called "come over here and meet my godfather"
"Mr Potter, that is the insane criminal Sirius Black" Dumbledore informed Harry, obviously with the idea that his words would separate Harry from Sirius "he betrayed your parents"
"Hmm, no I didn't" Sirius shook his head
"Hmm, no he didn't" Harry shook his head "It was Pettigrew, he's been caught and taken to trial. In fact I'm sure you'll read about it all tomorrow"
Harry thought it was laughably easy to sneak into the common room and nab Pettigrew then anonymously send him to the DMLE. Of course the hard part was to make sure that Fudge and Dumbledore didn't interfere.
Fudge was neutralised by a simple prank letter which caused him to turn into a weasel, by coincidence, it was sent on the exact day of the trial. Fortunately Amelia Bones wasn't stupid enough to broadcast the fact that Sirius Black was getting a trial, otherwise many people would have tried to stop him.
Dumbledore was a lot easier to neutralise, seeing as he didn't have to do any work. He just told Hedwig to prevent the other owls from giving Dumbledore letters. It may sound stupid to some but Hedwig was both and smart and vicious enough to both understand him and obey him.
Although Harry had to put his foot down when he saw her try and flirt with one owl, she was too young to date. Even then Harry wouldn't let the other owl touch Hedwig until he was guaranteed they'd be back before evening.
Needless to say, Harry had a bit of a weird relationship with his owl.
"It's true Dumbledore, if you don't believe me then here's a copy for you" Sirius smiled and handed him written proof from Amelia Bones "it'll be in the prophet tomorrow. I am free, free as a…."
"Free prisoner?" Harry offered
"Uh….yeah, that'll do until I can think of something better. Oh, and I want to place charges against Snape for indecent exposure and attempting to harm a student"
"Now, surely that is not necessary" Dumbledore said "Snape is a good teacher and…"
"Dumbledore" Harry cut him off "Snape may know his potions but he has the teaching ability of a cluster of drunk colour blind hedgehogs in a brown paper bag. He has the social skills of a vampire that's been forced to work in child care. He has less friends than I had when I was a baby, he's more hated than dragon pox and he's about as fun as diarrhoea on a hot day, a one legged man has a better chance of winning an arse kicking contest than Snape has of teaching anything useful.
He's not smart enough to be a smartass which is why he is just a regular ass, he looks at children like a pervert would look at his sister. It's rather disturbing the amount of staring he does. My left toenail is more qualified to teach potions, my right testicle is twice as professional and attractive and the only thing that smells as bad as him is my fat muggle uncles left armpit after a day out in the scorching weather of England on a Tuesday.
To call him human is to call him one of us and I'd rather blood adopt a gerbil and marry a rabies infested dog on a drunk day out in Turkmenistan whilst wearing a pretty pink dress and second hand designer earrings than admit to being the same species as that overgrown man bat. To call him a teacher is an insult to the people who work in this school and to let him near students is the worst possible thing anyone has done since that time when the high chief of all Vikings ordered all of his warriors battle helmets with the horns on the inside. He looks, moves and dresses like a bat yet doesn't know who Adam West is and that's just fucking unacceptable.
He has the breath of two trolls who have just realised that oral sex is fun and plan to do it until they either run out of energy or the daddy troll catches them. A dementor wouldn't kiss him out of fear of the other dementors making fun of him for being the one responsible for kissing Snape. He'd give a werewolf indigestion and probably kill the whole thing off and I'm positively sure that Voldemort carved Snape's dark mark with a ten foot pole and an extended pencil just so he didn't have to go near the twat.
The best thing to do for all of us is to take him, put him in a shower with shampoo then ship him off to a Madagascar and toss him into a cave so he can be reunited with his family. Then, if we really wanted to find a use for him, we could perform sacrificial rituals using him and his flying brethren. To sum up, he's ugly and nobody likes him and just get rid of him already. Except for Malfoy but judging by the pictures I have to assume that that's for an entirely different reason than Snape's teaching skills, or lack thereof."
The entire hall fell into silence. Nobody spoke, nobody moved, but everyone looked at Harry. Some with surprise, others with awe and some with disbelief. Harry had set a record for dropping the most jaws in Hogwarts history, Dumbledore and McGonagall were too stunned to actually punish him for his words. Crystal slowly leaned in from his side.
"That was very...descriptive" She whispered
"Thank you" Harry grinned "made it up on the spot, believe it or not"
"I've never been so proud of anyone in my entire life!" Sirius said with awe in his voice
"Surely you must be exaggerating" Dumbledore eventually spoke, having regained the use of his mouth
"No I am not, and don't call me 'Surely'" Harry replied
"Mr Potter, Snape is willing to improve. Just say the word and I will make sure that Snape can improve, I'm positive the results would make you happy"
"I doubt that Snape could ever make anyone happy" Sirius scoffed
"I don't know, he's resignation and suicide would be great" Harry said just as Crystal made her way over "oh Sirius, meet my girlfriend and love of my life, Crystal, Crystal meet my godfather. Sirius Black, framed mass murderer, marauder and tied holder of the record for most detentions with my dad."
"It's a pleasure to meet you" Crystal greeted Sirius
"Wow, Harry you're in your first year and you've already got a bird?" Sirius said with amazement "Your dad took years just to get your mum to agree to go on a date"
"Yeah well, some are just better than others" Harry grinned and threw a wink at Crystal
"Is it too late to back out?" Crystal joked
"Way too late" Harry replied
"Now Harry, how about you go and walk me around Hogwarts?" Sirius suggested "I haven't seen the old place in ages"
"Brilliant idea" Harry grabbed Crystal's hand and began leading her and Sirius away "let me tell you about this one time I rode a cerberus"
The three exited the hall, leaving an open mouthed school and a furious headmaster.
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