Chương 3: Chapter 3
Harry and Crystal rode around Hogwarts on top of the Cerberus that Harry had procured.
"This is amazing!" Crystal shouted as they rode past a group of frightened first years, she and Harry just barley heard one ask if giant three headed dogs are normal and if she could also ride one.
"You don't need to shout" Harry said calmly
"Sorry" She smiled sheepishly "just a bit of difficulty believing what's happening. You're crazy, do you know that?"
"Maybe I am" Harry shrugged "but all I really want is to be free. I want to be free and be me, I want to be allowed to have fun and live my life the way I want to. You should do it too"
"Do what?"
"Be yourself" Harry replied "forget what other people think, be yourself and join me in my mission."
"What mission is that?"
"Have complete and total fun and cause anarchy and chaos at the expense of jackasses" Harry replied
"Ha" She laughed "I'm in"
"Wow" Harry looked at her with wide eyes "you don't take much convincing"
"Hey, I'm siren bonded to you" She reminded him "I'm basically your slave now"
"True, but I am not treating you like one" Harry replied "you're my equal, my partner in crime, my friend. What do you say? Are you in?"
"Sure I ….wait…you're not drunk" She realised
"Never said I was" Harry pointed out "just said you could get similar effects to being drunk if you drink enough butterbeer. Loopholes, you need to learn to use them, they can be very helpful. So can misdirection and implication through words, use them right and you can get a lot of people to do a lot of things"
"Oh, teach me master" Crystal said with a dramatic bow
"Worry not my young apprentice" Harry grinned "I shall teach you the ways of chaos and mischief"
"To chaos" She cheered
"Chaos!" Harry laughed
Harry soon found himself being sent into the headmasters office, in his previous life he had never been here before his second year. But this time he had burst in the great hall with what was the guard for the stone and a dangerous beast so he could admit that he may have a reason for being called in.
He entered and found Dumbledore sitting behind his desk with Snape standing on Dumbledore's right and McGonagall on his left.
"What's new kitty cat?" Harry greeted McGonagall then turned to Snape without even waiting for her reaction "hello batman"
"Did you just call me batman?" Snape asked slowly with a dangerous edge in his voice
"Well, I would've called you Bruce Wayne but he was rich and handsome and you're…not" Harry sat down opposite Dumbledore
"Hello Harry" Dumbledore smiled, his eyes twinkling. Harry smiled back, even though he was resisting the urge to stab the old man in the eye "it's a pleasure to meet you"
"Understandable" Harry grinned. Dumbledore reached his hand closer to his bowl of lemon drops, Harry recognised this as the custom 'offering of the lemon drops' and cut Dumbledore off by taking the bowl. He ignored Dumbledore's shocked expression and tossed one of those sweets into his mouth. "Not bad" Harry complimented the sweets
"Now Harry, I've called you into my office for a reason"
"Yes, now I'm flattered Dumbledore but I am not interested in older people…..or men for that fact" Harry replied, taking great joy in the shocked expression of Dumbledore, the rage in Snape and the reddening McGonagall.
"Mr Potter, that is not why I had called you here" Dumbledore responded
"Good because I'm also not interested in people with beards and you fit into all three categories" Harry replied
"Quiet Potter!" Snape snapped
"Alright, I perfectly understand" Harry smiled at the potions master "you want me to be quiet, I will be quiet. Zip the lip, shut the mouth, silence the face and all that. I can do that, I'm sure I can do that and I know that you know that I can do that and I have to say that you're faith in me is very kind. And I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that so that makes your comment even more inspiring.
I'll be quiet, quiet as a mouse. Quieter than a mouse in fact, have you ever met a mouse? Noisy little creatures, always squeaking and running. Honestly, if it wasn't for Jerry, from Tom and Jerry, then I probably wouldn't like them at all. Tom and Jerry is one of my favourite cartoons, do you have a favourite cartoon or TV show? Is it Batman? I bet it's batman, please tell me that you have at least one projectile on you. Is it a Snapearang? I bet it's a Snapearang? Ooh, do you have a Snape mobile? You have to have a Snape mobile! Please tell me you have a Snape mobile and a theme song. I can hear it now.
'Na na na na na na Snape man! Na na na na na na Snape man! Snape man! Snape man! Snape man!'
Unless you prefer this over one, it's not quite as good but I rather like it.
Snark, snark snark. Snark snark snarky Snape! Snark snark, snark snark! Sna….rk, sna…rk, snark!"
"Mr Potter!" McGonagall interrupted "that is enough, you will be quiet and I do not want to hear another word out of you! Do you understand?" Harry nodded
"Uh…good" Dumbledore said after a while "now Mr Potter, why do you think we've called you in here?" Harry remained silent "Mr Potter?"
"Speak you arrogant brat!" Snape commanded, Harry shook his head "What?! How dare you refuse to listen to me?!" Harry rolled his eyes and pointed at McGonagall
"What?" A confused McGonagall asked, Harry shook his head in annoyance and pointed at his mouth then back to McGonagall
"Ah, I believe that Mr Potter is implying that you said he was to remain quiet" Dumbledore guessed
"What nonsense is this?!" Snape growled
"Oh for Merlin's sake" McGonagall sighed "Mr Potter, you may speak"
"Oh thank god, being silent is so boring" Harry immediately replied
"Mr Potter, there are number of things I wish to discuss with you" Dumbledore said "the cerberus for example is one of them but the first is your behaviour during Professor McGonagall's class"
"About that" Harry said "I think it's very unprofessional of her to not teach her class"
"Unprofessional?!" McGonagall blurted out in a mix of surprise and anger "The only reason I was unable to teach was because I was locked in cage!"
"Why were you locked in a cage?" Harry asked, despite knowing the answer.
"You locked me in!" McGonagall snapped
"I don't remember that" Harry shook his head slightly "I did put Kitty in that cage"
"I was Kitty!"
"Psst" Harry leaned forward to Dumbledore "I think she may need a day or two off. She's losing her mind, she thinks that she's a cat"
"Mr Potter, Professor McGonagall is an animagus, that means she is capable of turning into a specific animal"
"Doesn't that make her more crazy?" Harry whispered, even though he knew that everyone could hear it "I mean, what kind of maniac decides to stop being human and grow fur and a tail? Plus, who would do it in a classroom? Isn't she essentially naked in her cat form? So isn't that indecent exposure?" McGonagall turned a shade of red never before seen outside of a Weasleys face.
"Enough of this nonsense!" Snape snapped "What about his behaviour in my class?! He disrespected me"
"I did not" Harry argued "I never said anything that was intentionally offensive"
"You brewed chocolate milkshake in my class!"
"No, I warmed it up" Harry replied "slight difference but I'm sure you can figure it out, besides you never said I couldn't"
"What are you on about?!" Snape demanded "Clearly you shouldn't have been 'warming' chocolate milkshake in my class! Any idiot could tell it's against the rules"
"Yes, well I'm not an idiot so that's probably why I didn't know" Harry winked at the raging professor "besides you never told us anything, you just came in the class and told us to make the potion. You didn't teach us the potions basics, potions safety or any of that. You just assumed we knew it and left us to our business. I presumed that because of your lack of care and effort, you wouldn't mind if I had some milk."
"Mr Potter, I'd advise you to keep your tone respectful " Dumbledore mildly told him off. Harry turned to Dumbledore
"Yeah, well I…..oh my god your beard is enormous!"
"Thank you Harry but I wanted to…"
"Why don't you shave? Or at least cut the bloody thing down a little?"
"Mr Potter, that is not important and I want to…."
"It's fake isn't it?" Harry pointed to the beard "It's a fake beard, isn't it?"
"Mr Potter, I assure you it is not a fake beard. Now I…"
"That's bullshit, it's definitely fake" Harry interrupted
"Language Mr Potter" McGonagall admonished him
"See here" Harry stood up and grabbed Dumbledore's beard, he then gave it a big pull, causing Dumbledore to move forward slightly and bang against the desk. Harry silently sent a spell to Dumbledore's chin to make it more sensitive "huh, must be stuck on real tight. Don't worry, I'll have it off" Harry pulled again
"Oooowww!" Dumbledore protested
"Did you use glue?" Harry asked before pulling on it again, he wrapped the beard around his hands and put his right foot against the desk and pulled. "Come on"
"Ow! Ow! Ow!" Dumbledore screamed
"Don't worry, I'll have it off soon" Harry said confidently
"Mr Potter! Let go!" Dumbledore screamed
"Potter! Get off of his beard!" Snape snapped and tried to pull the boy off
"No!" Harry screamed in protest "I nearly got it! I nearly have it! I'll show you!"
"Potter, stop this foolishness and release him!" McGonagall commanded, also trying to pull off the boy
"Nearly there!" Harry insisted
"POTTER PLEASE STOP!" Dumbledore begged
"Come on! Maximum effort! Aaaaararrghhhhh!"
"YAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
Harry fell backwards and landed on his back, holding Dumbledore's beard or at least most of Dumbledore's beard in his hands. He looked up to see Dumbledore clutching his chin where he now only had a very small beard.
"Ah…." Harry said slowly and stood up "I may have been mistaken in my hypothesis regarding how real your beard was, but don't worry, I'll get you another one" Harry bolted out of the room before they could say anything.
"He's worse than James Potter" Snape breathed "he's actually worse than James Potter! How the hell is that possible?!"
"My beautiful beard" Albus cried
"Do not worry Albus, I'm sure that Snape could give you a regrowth potion for your hair"
"I need my beard! I look weird without it"
"You look weird full stop but I will go and make you that potion" Snape replied
"Hurry!" Dumbledore screamed before wincing at the pain.
Harry had arrived in defence class, just barely making it in time. He was right about Dumbledore wanting him to interact with Gryffindor's and Slytherin's as all the first years schedules had been changed. In Harry's lessons he was either with Gryffindor's or Slytherin's except in Defence where all the students had the class together.
"C…come in M….Mr P….Potter" Quirrell stuttered, the whole class looked at Harry
"Thanks Professor Riddle" Harry smiled, Quirrell felt a huge burning on the back of his head
"I b…beg y….your p…pardon?" Quirrell replied
"I said thanks Professor Quirrell" Harry replied, the burning died down for Quirrell and he turned around and made his way to the desk. Harry looked around for a seat
"Hey Harry" Ron called "come and sit here"
Naturally Harry ignored him until he laid his eyes on Crystal who smiled at him, Harry smiled back and made his way over and sat next to her.
"Hey beautiful" Harry greeted her
"I'm not that beautiful" She blushed
"Sure you're not" Harry said sarcastically
"W…wait here" Quirrell said "I w….will b…be back i….in a f…few m….minutes" Quirrell left the classroom
"Harry, mate" Ron walked up to Harry "why are you sitting with her? Come and sit with us"
"I'm fine here thank you" Harry replied, not even looking at the red head "so Crystal, did you miss me?"
"Why would you want to hang out with a Hufflepuff?" Ron said, Harry supposed that once Crystal grew and gained her allure Ron would be dropped jawed and glazed eyed as he usually was around nearly anything with an allure. So he really didn't want him around Crystal.
"It may have escaped your notice but he's a Hufflepuff" Crystal gestured to the Hufflepuff logo on Harry's robes
"Yeah but that's just because the stupid hat made a mistake" Ron snorted "everyone knows that Harry is a Gryffindor"
"I'm fine with Hufflepuff" Harry responded "the company is better" Harry winked at Crystal
"See Weasley" Draco drawled "even Potter knows better than to waste time with you" Draco walked up to Harry and extended his hand "as you can see Potter, some wizarding families are better than others. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort, I can help you there"
"Huh" Harry said, not really paying attention "sure" he grabbed Malfoy's hand and gave it a quick squeeze.
"Aaargh!" Draco screamed and let go, he dropped to his knees and clutched his hand "You've broken my hand!"
"No I haven't" Harry said, although now that he thought about it he had put in a bit more strength than he should have.
"Yes you have!" Draco shouted
"Alright fine, I'm sorry but it's not like it matters too much. I mean you've got a second hand for a reason"
"You'll pay for this Potter!" Malfoy growled as Crabbe and Goyle helped him up
"Fine" Harry sighed he reached into his pocket then took out a knut, he tossed it at Draco and it bounced off the blonde boys nose into Crabbe's hand "that should do you"
"That's not what I mean!" A red faced Malfoy growled "Crabbe! Goyle! Take me to the hospital wing!" The boys nodded and dragged their leader out of the classroom
"So" Harry turned to Crystal "did you miss me?"
"Oh Merlin" Crystal sighed with amusement "you can't help but cause trouble, can you?"
"Ah, you know me so well" Harry grinned at her
"Harry" Ron spoke "I'm sure if you asked the headmaster would put you in Gryffindor"
"Nah, I don't really want to go to Gryffindor"
"But your parents were in Gryffindor"
"My parents also had to study alongside Snape" Harry pointed out "needless to say I am not my parents because if I was then Snape wouldn't be alive right now"
"But you're the boy-who-lived!" Ron argued "You have to be in Gryffindor!"
"Weasley, the only things I have to do are breath, eat, sleep and wear clothes. Everything else is just optional" Harry replied
"I don't see why you don't want to be in Gryffindor" Hermione granger said from her position on the desk in front of Harry, she turned around to face him "the headmaster was in Gryffindor"
"Yes but the headmaster also wears the most horrible clothes I have ever seen" Harry pointed out "and it's worse when he's standing next to Snape who is always dressed in black with black along with black plus a side order of black and occasionally he adds black to it"
"You shouldn't disrespect the professors" Hermione told him off
"Who should I disrespect then?" Harry asked innocently
"Nobody, you shouldn't disrespect anyone."
"Well that's not fun" Harry replied
"What does that matter?" Hermione demanded
"Life is not worth living without fun" Harry replied "I mean I'd much rather enjoy myself than spend an afternoon reading and doing homework"
"Homework is important!" Hermione argued
"Still boring" Harry shrugged
"You need to study if you want to pass your exams!"
"Yeah but I don't need to study now because the only exams that matter are the end of year ones and those are at the end of the year so I have a lot of time until then to do whatever I want"
Hermione was cut off by Quirrell who re-entered the classroom, Harry spent the rest of the day answering all questions that the teachers asked before Hermione could for no reason other than to annoy her and to his delight it worked.
Hermione was constantly glaring at him the whole day, while fun at first it was starting to get boring. Harry figured that if she enjoyed looking like that so much than he'd help her out. He wandlessly cast a spell which froze her face like that.
A bonus for Harry was when he remembered that their next class was potions, Hermione had intentionally glared at Harry all the way to their class. When she got into class she tried to stop but to her horror she couldn't.
"Granger" Snape spat "why are you looking at me like that? Five points from Gryffindor" Hermione looked at him with horror which couldn't show on her face which was still glaring at the professor "I said stop it, five more points from Gryffindor."
This continued for a little while and Gryffindor ended up losing fifty points in total before Snape left her alone. The Gryffindor's glared at Hermione for losing so many points, their glares increased when Hermione had glared back at them.
A few weeks later, Quirrell did his whole faint act and claimed that there was a troll. The headmaster had sent everyone to the common rooms and then made his way out with all the teachers to find the troll.
They were out for a few minutes when they found it, not quite believing what they saw when they did. They were surprised to find the troll sitting on the ground, whilst holding a massive teacup. They also found Harry and Crystal sitting next to it with their own teacups.
"This is the life" Harry said, as he drank some tea from his cup.
"Oh, definitely" Crystal agreed, doing the same "wouldn't you agree?" The troll grunted in response
"Well, this was nice but it's time for you to go now" Harry said, the troll made a whining noise "hey, none of that. Off you go, back into the forbidden forest"
The troll let out a sigh and stood up, it's tea in one hand and it used it's other hand to pick up its club. It turned and walked away
"Bye" Crystal shouted
"See ya later" Harry added
"Mr Potter" Dumbledore said, Harry turned to the teachers
"Oh, hello" Harry smiled "oh look your beard has grown back, or do you actually have a fake beard this time?"
"I assure you that it is real" Dumbledore took a step back just in case "now would you kindly tell me what has happened?"
"Me and the lovely girl besides me were having tea when the troll came, we invited it to join us and it did. Then we enjoyed ourselves and I had just sent the troll away"
"But…but it's a troll" McGonagall said "it should have killed you!"
"Sorry if I disappointed you" Harry shrugged
"How on earth did you get it to sit down and have tea with you?"
"I asked it if it wanted to sit down and have tea with me" Harry replied
"Stop telling lies Potter" Snape commanded
"It's true sir" Crystal spoke in Harry's defence "Harry really did just ask it to sit down and have some tea"
"Do any of you want some tea?" Harry offered
"No we do not want tea!" Snape growled
"Alright, alright. Keep your wig on" Harry said as he and Crystal stood up "shall we my love?" He extended a hand
"We shall" She incline her head and took it and the two disappeared
"I thought you couldn't apparate in Hogwarts!" McGonagall exclaimed
"You can't" Dumbledore narrowed his eyes
"Awfully sorry" Harry popped back in "I forgot my lemon drops" Harry smiled as he picked up a packet of lemon drops and winked at the teachers and popped away again.
"Hold on" Dumbledore said "those were my lemon drops!"
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