Chương 19: Chapter 19- Rika – Masking My Pain (VOLUME 1)

*~*Rika's POV*~*

After Reagan stopped following me, I hid in the woods from him until nearly midnight. I knew that he wasn't following me, and that he wasn't going to come after me. Still, I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to ride back with him. I just wanted to be alone. I needed to have some time away from him, not that I had been around him all that long in the first place.

I needed to clear my head. If I didn't get a hold of my emotions, then things would just get worse and worse for me. And between Reagan and myself. I just wish that I knew what to do. It might even get worse with everyone else as well. If my life didn't get better, it could literally destroy my family.

I ended up walking home in the dead of night. It was quiet and peaceful with no one to talk to me, bother me, or to ask me why I hadn't told anyone about my problem. When I got into the city, things were almost dead on the outskirts, but I could hear the sounds of people in the distance. There were still places that were open and busy even at this time on a Monday night.

I didn't rush, there was no need to. So, that meant that I didn't get to the lobby of my building until almost one in the morning. I had taken my time so that I could try to calm myself down, it didn't really work. My mood, and my emotional state, hadn't improved at all. If anything, I might have been feeling slightly worse.

The first thing that happened after I walked into the lobby was that Leticia, one of the evening door watchers, called out to me worriedly.

"Miss Gray, are you feeling alright? You do not look so well." She was looking at my face which was probably red and puffy.

"I am fine. I just had a fight with my brother about something. It's nothing to worry about."

"Are you sure?" She seemed to be really worried about the way that I was looking. I had to be even worse off than I thought that I was.

"Yes, I am sure. Thank you for your concern." I told her with a forced smile while I headed toward the elevator.

"Alright. Well, you have a good night, Miss." I nodded but didn't say another word. I needed to get home, take another shower, and then get some sleep.

I almost scared myself when I looked into the mirror. My eyes were red and swollen, but my face was pale. I looked like some sort of ghost, one that had suffered a lot. It was horrible, and there was nothing at all that I could do about it.

I showered quickly then got a washcloth filled with ice. I needed it to take the swelling away in my eyes. Yes, it would go away on its own, but it was mildly uncomfortable, and I wanted to make it easier for me to sleep at the moment. With luck, it would all be better by the morning.

When I woke up in the morning, I followed my usual routine. And, thankfully, there was little puffiness in my eyes, and that went away after I had a coffee that helped to wake me up. At least no one would know what happened last night. No one except Reagan and Leticia. They had witnessed parts of the meltdown that I had had the night before. It had been so bad that it was nearly nuclear. If I had been near a village when it had happened, I might have caused an evacuation. Thankfully, it was just us two and no one else.

At least, I thought that there was no one else that would have known what had happened. The first thing that I heard was someone yelling my name from across the lobby.

"Rika!?" The now familiar male voice sounded upset.

"Good morning, Andre." I stopped in front of him as he walked over toward me. "How are you this morning?"

"That is what I am wanting to ask you. Leticia told me about last night. Are you alright?" His eyes were searching my face and saw no trace of the redness and puffiness.

"I'm fine. I just had a fight with my brother while we were out. I was upset, but all is fine now."

"You had Leticia worried. And from what I heard, it was for good reason. She said that you looked miserable last night."

"I am fine, really." I gave him my most convincing smile and then had a sudden idea. While I was with him the other night, I was able to forget about what was happening. Maybe I would be able to do it again. Maybe I could hide what I was feeling if I was around other people. I know that was just going back to the way that things were with my family, but this just felt different to me. "Hey, Andre, do you want to go out again this weekend?" I hoped that I didn't sound too desperate or stupid as I asked him.

"Really?" He brightened instantly.

"Yeah." I nodded. "I think that it would be really nice to get out again. There are more places that you wanted to show me, right?"

"Yeah, there are a lot more. I have learned a lot about this city, and I'd like to share that information with you."

"That would be nice. Do you want to meet back here at six on Friday?"

"Make it seven, I need to get ready after work."

"Alright, sounds like a plan."

The moment that I left the lobby and headed toward the garage, I felt the despair coming from my soul again. There was nothing in life that could make the pain go away for more than a few moments at a time. I hoped that with Andre as a distraction, it would be easier to mask my pain.

When I got to the university, I saw Reagan. He was there before me and the others. I think that he wanted to talk to me face to face, but he didn't want to seem too aggressive with it.

"Morning." I smiled at him, trying to make him drop it all. "You're here early."

"Yeah, well, I had a feeling that you wouldn't talk to me if I wasn't." He looked almost as heartbroken now as he had last night. Why was it so important to him? Why was he so worried about me and my pain? Yeah, we were family, but why did he have to act like this? "Are you OK, Rika? You were really upset last night."

"I am fine now. Can't you tell?"

"I can see that you look OK, but I can tell that you're not feeling OK."

"I really hate this connection between us." I sighed and let the mask slip a little. "I never feel these things from you."

"I don't ever feel like that." He countered. "Why are you just masking things with a pretty smile? Why won't you talk to someone?"

"It won't help, Reagan. There is no need for me to talk to someone. I will deal with it. I am taking care of things. I..I have just been having a..a hard time. That is all." I was honest with him, to an extent. I just really didn't want to go into detail.

"I know that you are depressed right now, Rika, but things aren't all bad. I promise you, there are reasons to be happy and to look forward to the next day."

"I hope so." I sighed and leaned against his side. He was a comforting brother, at least there was that. And I truly did love him for it.

"Come talk to me when you need to, sis. OK? I don't like that you are so upset. It hurts me that you are hurting this bad."

"If things get to the point where I absolutely need to talk to someone, then I will come to you first, alright?" I agreed to that much at least. "Until then, please just let me handle things on my own. I will work on getting better, I promise."

"Alright." He put his arm around me and hugged me tightly. "But I am still going to be keeping an eye on you. I know that you don't like it, but as your brother, I can't help it. I need to take care of you as much as I can."

"We're twins, Reagan, you're not my older brother."

"Oh yes, I am." He laughed at me. "I am older by twenty-four minutes, but we have different birthdays, so I am a day older than you. That is what matters." He was laughing and grinning the entire time, and it was enough to make me stop feeling so hopeless at the moment.

If only things could stay this way. If only I would be able to be happy for real, and to stay happy. That is what would be best for me, and for everyone else. In time. It was just going to take some time for me, that was all.

I just needed to keep holding it all together. Duct tape, prayer, and hope, that was all that I could use to keep myself from falling apart. The cracks in my foundation were fine, as long as I didn't crumble and fall apart completely. I just needed to hold it together until I figured everything out.

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