Chương 10: The Funeral
NOTE: Arc 2 is the shortest I have planned, there will be 4 chapters in which it will be shown the aftermath of Marian's death. Gawain is beginning to plot, to plan his revolution, but he is also mourning his mother. In Arc 3 he will began his solo journey (just for a while, he will need followers to acomplish is goals).
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"Folks of Greenwood, we are here today to bid farewell to two of our beloved neighbors: Tobias and Marian. They were good people and now they rest in the Mother Above`s embrace. The Stranger took them too soon and now we must bid our farewells. Father Above, judge Tobias and Marian justly-"
It wasn't the Stranger who took them, they were killed. Gawain clenches his fists and digs his nails into his palms once more; in the last few days he has done it so often that he has opened crescent-shaped wounds on each palm and at this point the pain or flowing blood does not bother him.
The redhead looked at his mother's coffin, Bofur showed off his talent by carving a beautiful seven-pointed star and his mother's name on top of it. The carpenter worked tirelessly in recent days to make both coffins and despite the rush, the result was of very good quality, it shows the respect and affection that Bofur had for the deceased.
Not only him, the whole village has come to the funeral and has helped both families as much as they could. Some neighbors went to Shelton to bring Genna and Jenny, others offered them coins and food to help Gawain's family through the year since Aerys' entourage ate a good part of the food they had stored.
All these displays of generosity, sympathy and kindness were barely noticed by the redhead. Ever since Ralof brought him back from the neighboring village Gawain has been in a catatonic state: he barely utters a word, he ignores everyone and is lost in his mind all the time, he also didn't eat or drink anything unless Gertha or Ralof made him do it.
The adults sympathize with the boy's trauma and give him space but his brothers... Galahad is just beginning to understand the concept of death, as for the twins... Garth and Godric keep asking when mama will come home, they keep saying that they want to see her and play with her, that they miss her.
Gawain can hardly bear to be in the presence of his brothers, every time he sees them he feels as if someone has thrown salt and acid on an open wound; his whole body trembles with more emotions than he can process and he feels like throwing up. He wants to curl into a fetal position and sob uncontrollably, grief and sorrow are not the only emotions that led him to that state; there is also guilt.
He rationally knows it is not his fault, that what happened is the fault of those monsters, but the mind cannot reason with the heart. Gawain feels that in some way it is his fault that his mother was killed, that in some way he is to blame that his brothers no longer have a mother. And that guilt fills him with shame and fear, he can hardly look his brothers in the eye, let alone hear them talk about when mama will come home.
His aching heart and his rational mind have been in conflict ever since that devastating day:
`If I didn't exist...` Nothing would change, Aerys`s Tour was not influenced by anything I did.
`If I had freed myself from Ralof's grasp-` Then they would have killed me, possibly father and Ralof as well, and mother would have ended the same or worse.
`If I had shown my intelligence and-` And what? Being burned alive by some religious fanatic after being accused of witchcraft?
Gawain's internal conflict fills him with rage and impotence, because no matter how much he goes through all the "Ifs" nothing would change- Nothing he did caused the death of his mother and nothing he could have done would have avoided it.
Marian was a very beautiful woman, if not Aerys any knight or nobleman who saw her would have wanted her and she would have ended up in the same position, she might not have been killed but definitely raped.
Marian`s fate was sealed at the moment of her birth, because being born as a beautiful woman in this world is something that ensures that you are considered a trophy or prize if you are born into the nobility, if you are born into the peasantry or serfdom you are simply screwed.
Nobles and knights think of the smallfolk as inferior and defenseless beings, they think they can take anything from them without repercussions, being a material possession or-
`...`
The funeral ends and people start to go home, soon only Gawain and his family remain.
"We have to go back now, the twins have fallen asleep and Galahad can barely stand up." Gareth has the twins in his arms, he is looking at his eldest son but the redhead ignores him and he continues to stare into space.
"Gareth, take the children home." Ralof places a hand on his nephew's shoulder. "I will stay a while longer with Gawain."
Gareth hesitates for a moment, looking at his firstborn with sorrowful eyes before nodding and leaving. Galahad doesn't follow immediately, the black-haired boy walks towards his older brother.
"Gawain," Galahad tugs at his older brother's sleeve. "Let 's go home." His tone is weak and somewhat hoarse from how much he cried.
The redhead feels something catch in his throat and his whole body stiffens like a tree trunk.
"Galahad, go with your father. I have something to discuss with your brother." Ralof smiles kindly at the boy and he hesitates before letting go of Gawain's sleeve.
Galahad wraps his arms around his brother's waist before leaving, Gawain does not return the hug but becomes even more rigid. Even after his brother let's go and walks away, his body remains rigid as a statue.
`... I`m sorry Galahad.`
Gawain stays there until nightfall, Ralof stays by his side throughout the afternoon and when the sun goes down he takes the child in his arms and carries him home. The redhead fainted in the arms of his uncle, because his body was exhausted after spending a whole day on his feet and it's not like he had slept much in recent days.
***
"U- uncle Tobias wa- was there to pick up some barrels of beer." Balor says between sobs.
Gawain was sitting on a rock looking out over the river with unfocused eyes. Balor saw him and approached him, the bard began to speak to him but Gawain did not even acknowledge his presence.
"He stayed to chat with an old friend when the prince and his men arrived." Balor continues with his story. "Uncle Tobias saw that they had Marian imprisoned and tried to help her, some knight said something and a fight broke out. The other customers ran away so they don't know what exactly happened but when the prince's entourage left Uncle Tobias and Marian were dead."
The bard wipes his eyes and looks at the redhead who continues to stare at the river with an unfocused gaze.
"Gawain! Are you listening to me?!" He yelled at him, annoyed. "I'm telling you how they died and you won't even listen to me!"
Gawain continues to ignore him and the bard loses his patience. Balor grabs Gawain by the shoulder and turns him around so that he looks into his eyes.
When the bard meets Gawain's eyes he takes two steps back in shock. Those blue eyes that used to shine brightly are now dark and gloomy, almost black and have a look in them that scares Balor to the core.
"They died, that's all." Gawain's words are soft but devoid of all emotion, almost as if he is dead.
"W- what's wrong with you?" Balor swallows and clenches his fists. "What's wrong with you?!" After yelling at him again, the bard runs away seeing that he won't get any response.
Gawain watches him run away without changing his expression and looks back at the river.
`What is wrong with this world?`
***
At dusk Gertha comes and takes him by the hand to her house, she forces him to eat and after bandaging his hands she puts him to bed, all while Gawain barely looks at her.
Since that day the redhead can't stand the sight of his home, every time he sees the yard he sees those men taking his mother away, so he is staying with Ralof and Gertha. For that reason and to avoid his father and brothers.
The sight of his brothers fills him with regret, guilt and shame, but the sight of his father fills him with anger.
`...` Rationally he knows that his father is another victim, that Gareth was as powerless and defenseless before those monsters as him and his mother, but the anger he feels is anything but rational.
The heart does not listen to reason, no matter how rational you are, you cannot control what you feel. So Gawain prefers to keep his distance from his father since he knows that if he sees Gareth he will snap at him, and his father is suffering enough already.
`What can an ant do against a wolf? Nothing, but a million ants... Why don't the ants rebel against the cruelty of the wolf? What stops them? Fear? Is it better to live in fear or die bravely?
Gawain looks at the ceiling of the second bedroom in Ralof and Gertha's house. He absentmindedly counts the cracks in a beam while confused and erratic thoughts torment him.
`The ant is afraid, but it is not afraid of dying, after all, dying is not as scary as the death of our loved ones. The ant is afraid that the wolf will crush his family, so he bows his head and suffers in silence.`
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NOTE: Please leave a review if you are enjoying the story.
Also there are advanced chapter in my p@ tre on if you are interested.
p a t r e o n. com /EdenofKovir
This Arc is a bit difficult to write, it will be a short one about Gawain`s grief and his decisions.
I think that feeling guilty when you're in mourning is something quite common, you feel helpless and enraged, you feel that if you had done something different maybe... That maybe torments you and eats you inside like a vermin.
Gawain feels that unreasonable guilt, especially when he sees his brothers who keep asking about their mother.
The metaphor of the ant refers to his father, to the smallfolk in general and to a certain part to him (is a bit of foreshadowing)
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