Chương 11: Chapter 10: Lily
All it took was one move from Sirius and Severus would cut off his bloody hand.
"Sirius! That's enough, no more fighting!" an alarmed girl's voice called out to him, it was Lily who had grown tired of looking sideways and doing nothing.
Sirius turned in surprise.
A swirl of red hair, sparkling emerald eyes, and a scowl appeared right behind him.
Lily Evans looked at him disapprovingly and made their disagreement in a fight quite clear.
Sirius finally lowered his wand and took a step back, but still glared hatefully at Snape.
While Severus could only sigh in disappointment, he was eager to teach him a lesson but as his Master used to say:
'One must learn tolerance and also begin to set an example. A Jedi is responsible for the consequences of his actions, so when faced with an opponent, never attack first. Only attack when it is absolutely necessary to do so and then your intention is not to kill but only to defend yourself or another. If he continues, you may adopt an attitude that shows him that it would be best to desist' Severus reminded Obi-Wan teachings.
"Leave it Padfoot, Snivellus isn't worth it, besides you're part of my family now," Potter told him when he saw Lily's expression, but he kept pointing his wand at Snape in case he did anything.
"Be thankful that we're in public. Don't expect it to always be the same," Sirius hissed threateningly before turning away from Severus completely.
"Be thankful...? I would have enjoyed seeing you try to do something," Severus said with a cold stare, he really wanted Sirius to do something so he could stand up for himself.
He had promised to change, so he couldn't be like before and attack first, he needed a good reason, but sadly that didn't happen.
And sadly resentment wasn't a good reason to attack him.
Vader spent too much time thinking about his mistakes to keep repeating them.
"What's wrong with you, Merlin, can't you see that you're not helping...!" started to say Lily in anger at his attitude, but she couldn't finish speaking because Severus intervened.
"Look, I don't give a damn what you think. If it weren't for the fact that a part of me still loves you, you wouldn't matter to me in the slightest. In fact, I think it's ridiculous that I could feel such things for a woman like you," Severus said with annoyance.
He hated feeling his heart pounding so hard for Lily, he really wanted this part of Snape's soul to leave him alone, his bloody obsession was throwing him off balance.
"Now I don't care if you like the idea or not. You'll just have to live with it... Oh and by the way, keep ignoring me, you've been doing it perfectly until now, it's quite annoying to feel my heart beating every time you talk to me or come near me so stay away from me, I have no interest in your company, now go to your group of friends..."
"...I've finished my business here. Oh, and nice to see you again after all," Severus said coldly and not wanting to bother waiting for a response from her.
He was tired of always being the one criticized and he was tired of feeling his body react to Lily Evans, it had to stop.
"Goodbye Lily, be happy" Severus finished and disappeared without giving Lily or the Potter gang time to say anything.
Severus immediately disappeared in front of all of them, he had learned about apparition a while ago.
He didn't have an apparition licence yet, this was only because he learned it on his own and before the age required to get a licence, but he didn't think anyone in the Ministry would cause him much trouble for that, especially now that there was a war going on in the British magical world.
Severus reappeared near a secluded spot in the Forbidden Forest.
This place used to be where Severus used to escape from Hogwarts to practice his magic or just be quiet.
It was like his second home, one where he could be apart from everyone, his parents, Dumbledore, Potter...
Severus decided to vent his anger, he pulled out his sword and began to train.
But he immediately realised that his control was very weak, his connection to the Force was almost nil.
And his sword training needed the Force and for that, he had no use for his wand.
Severus knew he had no other options, so he began to meditate to connect with the Force.
Immediately and automatically, the dark side of the Force, which seemed to have a strong connection with this body, intervened.
The dark side began to try to fill Severus' mind.
Everything bad that Severus went through began to come to him, his past as Anakin Skywalker and his biggest mistake as Darth Vader began to seep into him.
But luckily he as Darth Vader had spent too much time in the Force to think and reflect on everything that happened.
Vader was able to regret and understand many things, he no longer had any more grudges against himself as Darth Vader, he already had a goal in mind and those painful memories would not distract him from his goals.
That was how Severus managed to overcome the dark side's attempt to make him fall into darkness.
But the dark side did not give up and tried one last time, this time it was not with his memories and pains like Anakin or Vader, no, it was with those of the young Severus.
And the problem with these memories was that he had never thought much about them, he just kept them aside and now they were taking their toll on him.
The dark side took advantage of this to make him remember all the pain and all the things he still hadn't resolved like Snape, focusing on the biggest obsession of him... Lily Evans.
'And it had to be her again,' Severus cursed himself irritably.
Severus tried to calm himself and recover his composure, he had been through this before and he had to take control of his meditation.
'Lily has every bloody right to do what she wants and so do I' Severus said to himself.
'But even if I know that... it's not going to stop hurting and bothering me' Severus thought annoyed.
A part of him wanted to cry and let himself fall into darkness.
"Lily... her' Severus started to say between cuts and stumbling for a moment after remembering what had happened.
The memories and flashbacks of everything that happened came rushing back and he couldn't help but want to cry.
"Why...?" he whispered a question with his eyes burning with fresh tears.
Severus controlled his breathing and his thoughts, he had to succeed in meditation now or then it would only get harder and harder, he couldn't escape the situation.
Besides, he never escapes.
Severus waited until he caught his breath and settled his thoughts, but he was still sobbing slightly.
Finally, he recovered and resumed his meditation, his emotions reeling slightly but slowly regaining stability.
The pain was fading a little, the pain leaving him little by little.
There were several thoughts in his head at the moment, and not all of them were entirely his own.
"Yes, Lily went off with that Potter, but you don't need to be a snivelling about it!" were some of the words running through his head.
Maybe the thoughts were his own, but he knew it was his as-Vader that was telling him this, he knew it because his as-Snape still wanted to cry and scream.
That part of him as Snape wanted to lie down and cry over the loss of Lily, but these thoughts as Vader wouldn't let him...
Vader had logical, harsh, and hard thoughts that made him reconsider things, something he intended to do.
It was quite disturbing to know that a part of him just wanted to cry like the young man he was, but another part of him refused to be weak, refused to do something meaningless like crying, this part of him was yelling at him to do something about it, to be strong, to fight.
Yes... it was worrying, but Severus wasn't really worried about this, he had too many things on his mind to add another worry.
"Crying won't do me any good," Severus whispered to himself, chuckling slightly at the knowledge that he was being swayed by the memories of his Vader self.
But he hoped that doing so would help him, the memories of a man who had lived 23 years in a world at war and gone through so much had to have more validity than a 16-year-old who just wanted to cry and be consumed by the dark side.
Well... it should be noted that Darth Vader also made countless mistakes, but he was still much more trustworthy than the current 16-year-old Severus Snape.
For now, he would just trust that by doing what his Vader self would do, he could overcome this situation and succeed in his meditation.
So Severus suppressed his sadness and his anger.
'Well..., that was pathetic of me, losing my head like that when Lily didn't die or anything,' Severus complained internally.
But it was undeniable that when he remembered Lily, he felt as if a stake was being driven through his heart and he was slowly bleeding to death, all his feelings jumbled together, love, hope, despair, hate, resentment, fear, darkness, lots of darkness, lots of fear, all mixed together.
If it wasn't for the fact that he as Vader lost everything he loved, it would be impossible for him now to control all these feelings.
"If he wanted to start meditating and controlling the Force, he had to do something about his emotions or they would consume him.
He knew that his memories and feelings as Severus Snape began to invade his mind and that his body reacted automatically as before to each of these feelings.
And that bothered him.
'No matter that he was now a combination of Severus and Vader, the pain and despair remained the same as before, the pain did not change' Severus complained in his mind, he was now weak, not only did he have no control over the Force, his physique and everything about him was a mess.
But he could now better understand all these feelings he had.
He previously as Snape had not come to fully understand his mistakes, and pain and so he blamed only James Potter along with his group of bullies and also Lily for leaving him and going with Potter.
When he remembered Lily his heart pounded and at the same time contracted in pain, his breathing quickened, and at times he was short of breath, his body trembled, his eyes watered, his limbs twisted, and his being began to feel extremely lonely.
He felt cold, very cold accompanied by unbearable pain and that was how he began to be invaded again by the dark side, hatred, rage, pure anger, and a part of his being sought refuge in the dark side.
Darkness had always been the greatest ally that he as Snape had during his short and miserable life.
But now that he was Snape and Vader, he knew the consequences of the dark side and how one should not be manipulated by it, but that he should manipulate and use it.
That is why at this moment, with the minds of Darth Vader and Severus Snape being one, he knew he could deal with it.
He knew that the darkness wasn't everything and that he was just letting himself be led down a path of no return, a future like the one he as Vader had to suffer.
Even though a part of him still wanted to seek refuge in the darkness to alleviate the pain and all these feelings, he would not allow it, he knew very well what the future awaited him by doing so.
That was the path he took as Darth Vader and indirectly killed his beloved Padme, it was a path he would never take knowing where it would lead him.
'I may be angry and disappointed with many of Lily's attitudes, but I would never forgive myself if she dies because of me. So I will wish her the best in her life and get on with mine' Severus thought determinedly, that seemed to be the best thing for him.
Severus would rather suffer in hell than see Lily's corpse.
No doubt his bloody love for Lily Evans was pure and true, but little by little that love was turning into an unhealthy and toxic obsession for her and it was leading him down a path of endless pain.
Something that had already happened to him with Padme, only she had returned his love and he had failed her in every way, all because of his cursed obsession.
'Obi-Wan always said that Jedi were forbidden to have attachments or possessions'
'And on the other hand, compassion is essential in the life of a Jedi.'
'To me, compassion was unconditional love, and that is why the Jedi were encouraged to love'.
I failed to understand that unconditional love is not wanting something, but loving it.
'When you want something, you take it..., but when you love something, you take care of it and let it be' Severus thought.
He could now understand that he had to accept that love had to be mutual and if it wasn't, he had to let that person go and wish them the best, no matter how much it hurt.
The thought of Lily and Potter together might destroy him and anger him to the point of wanting to kill Potter.
'And it would be so easy to just eliminate him...' Severus thought for a few moments before shaking his head.
But he had to accept that it was Lily's decision, it's her life and if he really loves her, he'll have to let her do what she wants in her life.
"So close Potter..., for a few seconds I thought my first action would be to kill you and rid this world of your bloody presence," sighed Severus, he actually felt a little tempted by that idea.
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