Chương 10: 10
"You mix the colors and I paint," I tell Tsitsi. Mixing colors is not as simple as it sounds, its an art itself. And I suck at it. I have realized I take minutes mixing and I struggle more doing it than the actual painting. Maybe that is why artists are weird, even the oils have weird color names-burnt umber?-seriously? I do not know how we left my window seat for the balcony, but now a few more blunts later, I am sitting on her lap, while she teaches me to paint. I will never think less of artist this is too much work. Layers, strokes. It is all making my head spin. But in a good way.
And my painting looks flat. Even though it is just a still life. I am painting a saucer! And I cannot even get that right. I wriggle my behind on Tsitsi's lap and she pinches me again.
"No, you have to mix them yourself. You are the artist,"she says. I slowly make another stroke on the canvas and sit back to see if it came out right. It doesn't even look like a saucer. I groan out loud and throw the brush at the canvas.
Tsitsi shakes with laughter.
"Patience baby. I started painting when I was eight,"she tells me.
"Wow. How did you survive childhood then?," I groan, snuggling into her. Her shirt smells of cheese but there is an underlying scent. I cannot tell what it is. It is just -her. And I love it. Her arms come around me. I can feel bad thoughts creeping up my mind and I quickly shake them away. I am laughing. I am covered in paint. I am sitting on her lap. I am high on weed.
I am happy.
And it is going to last. I don't need to complicate it.
I feel her fingers trace out the tattoo on the small of my back and I stifle a chuckle. That is one of my finest moments. My mother doesn't suspect I have that on my skin. A daffodil, so that my sister stays with me forever. She is slipping out of my mind, I cannot even conjure up her face.It was my first rebellion that they didn't get to know of.
Like Masimba.
No, no thinking of Masimba.
But it was my first step towards setting myself free. I feel my eyes closing.
"I am sleepy,"I mumble.
"Bedtime baby,"she whispers. She stands up with me in her arms and carries me back into the house.
********
"You are not planning to go out wearing that are you?,"Tsitsi shrieks, her eyes wide as she stares at me. She isn't doing makeup today, says she has spent enough time on a canvas already. It is a Thursday and I think...I think Tsitsi and I are an item now.
It hasn't been voiced out, I am not sure if it should. To be honest I am scared. What if I think we are in a relationship and we aren't? What if I am reading too much into this.
"Well,I am,"I lift my black pleated skirt and then let it fall to the ground again. I have on a black glittery bodytop that has long sleeves and a black glittery headwrap. My outfit falls right between conservative and pretty. They cover my hair perfectly well and are cute.
I had to go buy these clothes last minute when Tsitsi announces that we are going out. This is my evening wear and despite the look on Tsitsi's face I feel very beautiful. I lift my skirt again and twirl around earning myself an exasperated groan from Tsitsi.
She is looking like a whole meal in black pants and a navy tee-shirt. She wears the pants in this relationship. Ha!
I can be funny too.
"You are wearing church clothes Qhawe!,"she says it like she is complaining about me wearing something that threatens world health. I can't help laughing. I have been laughing more often this past week. And what do you know my mother has called a couple of times too. She doesn't say much but she has asked about school and that is progress.
What more. Father gave me his old Chev!
Well if that doesn't say good living I don't know what does.
"And I love how you love them,"my voice takes on a whiny tone out of it's own volition. It always works on Tsitsi. I am learning a lot about her. She quickly relents whenever I start whining. She loves surprising me with kisses every other second. She loves asking me to sneak out of class so we can grab burgers.
She loves slinking away from Summer so we can go kiss in the bathrooms. She lives for that.
I swear I feel different since meeting her.
"Babe,"she drops a kiss on my lips "The clothes are very beautiful but...,"she stops. I see a glint appear in her eyes and I know she is getting one of her crazy ideas. Whatever she has in mind this time. "Let's go,"she smiles
Just like that?
I thought she was going to complain about the clothes forever.
"You know after dinner we are going for one of my friends’ party, right?,"she asks casually as the elevator descends. My mouth hits the floor. What? I have never been to a party! And it's Thursday! This is one of those times I hate how spontaneous and carefree she is. Apparently her friends are like that, who starts weekending on a Thursday? I should be used to her random ways but partying on a Thursday? And telling me when we are already in the....
"Today is Thursday, Tsi," I say matteroffactly. We both have school tomorrow. And I have an assignment that is due tomorrow that I should start working on tonight. And I am not dressed the part.
She should've told me when she mentioned the church clothes. The glint in her eye....oh my what is this ? I can feel anger creeping up on me. This better be a prank.
"Great day to take my beautiful princess out," she taps my nonexistent ass as the elevator doors open.
"No,"my refusal is weak. Because I know as I walk besides her, trying to ignore her hand on the small of my back that we are going to that party. She will carry me there is she has to.
That's Tsitsi for you.
I sigh heavily.
"Yes baby, going to get you drunk today,"she laughs. I huff and toss the keys as her.
Chuckling, she opens the door for me. I inwardly swoon. She is making this very difficult but who am I, I am going to sulk all the way to wherever she is taking me.
I hope she didn't go out of her way to plan an extravagant dinner for me. I know she doesn't earn much from her 'hustles' which is code for 'oilpaintings sales and commissions' and I don't want her spending it all on me.
How about I take her out to the Art Gallery. I can imagine her face by as she wows and wows at everything and explains what the pieces are and when they were made. I feel a smile playing on my lips but quickly wipe it off. I am supposed to be sulking.
I watch as she drives, her hands around the wheel. Every now and then she glances at me and smiles. She finds my sulking funny and all I can think of is how sexy and beautiful she is. The thoughts I am having from the passengers seat make me a hundred percent pervert. If only she knew.
"Want to know how you are looking at me?," She asks, smiling. I shake my head even though her eyes are on the road "Like you want to eat me,"she finishes off with a laugh.
Oh my. I look out of the window, my cheeks hot with embarrassment. I am not used to whatever it is we have. I know I am falling in love with her with every second that passes. I know that much.
But that doesn't make is easy to talk about ...sex with her. We haven't gotten down to it. She hasn't pushed or asked, which is giving me more and more time to be worried and anxious about it. Every time I think of how inexperienced I am and how likely I am to embarrass myself my stomach twists into knots. I need to take my time.
I don't even know how it is done!
"Don't you ever wish you had a sibling?," I ask her. I am not good at being evasive but she isn't the type to press on so she plays along.
"I used to, but when my father started acting up I was happy it's just me,"she says. Now look what I have done. I have made her think of her father. I ask her about where we are going. Just to change the topic. Thank heavens it works.
*******
Dinner is a traditional food restaurant. There is something endearing about this. About sitting in a round wooden table, smells that remind you of christmas in the village with cousins who think they fell from the sky. It feels like I have been pushed back in time, before my father kicked my grandmother’s vase and called her a heathen, then took me into his arms and told me we would not be seeing grandma again because she was dead. For a long time after that I believed being dead was having a broken vase, and a son who points a finger at you and calls you a heathen. Because you want to brew beer for your dead husband.
Is she still alive, my grandmother? I wonder what she looks like now. I imagine her greyhaired, maybe her back is now giving in and leaning towards the ground, getting ready to go back to the soil.
‘’You don’t like it?,’’Tsitsi’s voice breaks through my reverie. ‘’I have five other cool places in mind,’’she smiles, reaching for my hand. I return the smile.
‘’No, I love it. This is sooo,’’I search for the words ‘’Creative and thoughtful of you,’’I return the smile.
‘’I am an artist remember,’’she picks the menu. I do not have to. I know what I am having, pumpkin leaves with peanut butter and millet pap. My grandmother made the dish so beautifully it would fill up your chest too.
Our meals were close to what I was looking for. They didn’t return me back into my grandmother’s kitchen but it was this close. And maybe it was a stretch for me to look for my grandmother in a simple meal. She was a lot of things, folds and layers on top of each other, stories woven into her rugs. If I am to find her, it will take a lot more than peanut butter and millet pap.
Tsitsi ended up having the same, since I told her about my grandmother.
Of course we come from somewhere else before now. There is no way you appear at an underground gay club out if the blue.
We drove.
Yes, we did but before that. Before that there is something else.
It was very romantic and touching I wanted to cuddle with Tsitsi so bad but I couldn't.
For one, kissing in public is a crime in our country.
Public indecency they named it.
Two girls kissing a bigger crime than you can imagine. So Tsitsi and I had to sit there, our hands itching to touch each other as we pretended to be sisters.
Life in that moment was in a word-simple.
My life has taken on a certain degree of normalcy that I cannot shake off. I don't want to shake it off. At least not yet. I know Masimba or my parents will ruin it soon enough but for now it is mine. I have it in my hands. I wear black now. And hijabs. And glitters. And I kiss girls. And I laugh without my hand covering my mouth.
But right now in this moment I don't know what my life is.
We are at the party. A very gay party. And I don’t mean the happy gay. The first thing I notice about the house is the lighting.
It is off. Dimmed and mysterious. You can't see a lot.
It is not what I see though that scares me, I cannot see much from where I stand.
It is what I feel.
I am supposed to stick out like a sore thumb here, what with my dressing. But I don't. If anything I feel welcome. If anything I feel like I am among the people I am supposed to be among. I scan the room, I can make out gay couples kissing here and there.
But to me this place is not about all that. It is about what I would be confirming about myself if I let myself be in this place. I am not sure if I am ready to confirm it yet. I am not sure if I am done with my boring and suffocating life of white dresses and even whiter headwraps. I am not sure I want to go down this road with Tsitsi.
Feeling my confusion Tsitsi tugs at my hand. I look at her. There is a blue from the lighting in her eyes. But even in that blueness I can tell she is nervous.
To her this is the climax of our first night out together. This is the part of the night that she wonders what I am thinking. And because I know she deserves this I kiss her fully on the lips.
When I let go her eyes are lighter.
She leads me to the bar.
I don't know if we see her at the same time. But I certainly feel the very second Tsitsi recognizes her or at least realizes that I have seen her. By the bar, head thrown back as she laughs, a girl kissing her neck. The summer floating all around her.
It is Summer.
What is she doing here with the queers?.
I don't know how I know but I know she is Tsitsi's ex. And Tsitsi knows I have realized it. I don't know how I feel about it. I cannot tell. But the next words that come out of my mouth are "I want to get out of here,"
Quà tặng
-- Nhận quà Tình trạng nguồn điện hàng tuần
-- Xếp hạng
Quyền lực 
-- Đá
Quyền lực